Wish Me Luck

Hi everyone,
I've been kinda down lately because of money. I feel inadequate because I haven't really worked (except for babysitting) since before Nicky was born. At that time, Ken was making really good money and so was I. We decided that I should quit and stay home and raise the kids since we were in a position to do so. So, thats what I did. I quit my advertising sales job and we lived on what Ken made. I felt fortunate because we were able to do that.
Now, 17 years later, I don't really have any skills to speak of. I've been looking for a job, thought about going to school to become an MA or medical transcriptionist, I don't know.
Anyway, yesterday after doing the bills and getting depressed, I emailed almost every business in the Queen creek chamber of commerce because I didn't even know how to start a resume, its been so long.
This morning when I woke up there was an email from the publisher of the Johnson Ranch (community we live in) Hot Spot, a bi-weekly paper, and she said she was very interested in talking to me and wants to get together around the 18th of this month because she'll be out of town and has deadlines, etc.
I am so excited. I really pray I get this job.
NOW, I really have some soul searching to do about the pills. I can't be running out, taking more than I should, etc. because I know for a fact that that will screw up the job. I have to be honest with myself. I have no problem being honest with others, but I do when it comes to myself.
The times in the past when I've tried to quit, after getting through the w/d's, I can't seem to get it together, I think about my family I lost and get sad. I think about what if I lose a kid, I think all kinds of things, its gotten to the point that I don't think I can live without them and it doesn't seem like I even get high anymore.
I don't know what to do. I want to quit, but I don't want to hurt (physically), but I also know, that once I'm off of them, the pain isn't as bad as when I'm on them, sounds wierd but its true.
If I'm going to do this, I have to do it and do it fast. I want to live a productive life, I want to contribute to society and do good for myself, my family, friends and people I work with and for. I have good intentions, but I don't know if I can quit. If I burn my bridges, what if the pain gets so bad that I can't function? Thats happened before. There have been times that I have quit (usually I don't come on the board at those times because I don't talk to anyone) and end up going back to them for one or two reasons, either my knees and ankle hurt so bad that I can't stand it, or I just get so introverted, I don't care about much, I don't eat, I don't return calls, I don't come on here, I don't socialize, and I plain a** don't care. When I'm like that I'm not a good mom. When I'm like that, I would just as soon be by myself all the time and talk to no one and thats not me.
I guess I'm so far into this damned addiction that I don't really see a way out.
Wow, this is the first time I've cried in a long time. You guys are the only ones (including my own family) that I can be 100% honest with and I don't know what to do. Love........................................Roe

Better end this post, so people don't start calling me Becky. (just kidding sweetie).
Hey Sweetie:

I'll be prayng for you. You can do it - I keep saying if I can do it -anyone can -
I thought I would die still taking those pills.
Good luck and let us know your progress.
Do you have the time for the Bupernorphine/Sub? Ask your Doctor.
I don't think e'one believes that I did it in 5 days but I really did. I have no desire for Lortabs.

Good luck again, Love, Becky
Roe.....You descibed me to a tee. That's exactly how i am when I was off the pills. As I've said the longest I went was 5 1/2 months and still had no energy nor any desire to leave my bedroom.

We are having finacial difficulties as well and my husband wants me to go back to work. i just don't think i can go back to teaching, but have skills for nothing else. I can't get a job until I get clean. I guess I'm putting all my eggs in one basket on this sub treatment. I truly pray it works for me and that i don't have to be on it for a really long time.

I am praying for you and i know you can find the right path. I have no answers for you, but i can offer my friendship. if you ever want to talk off the board my email address is rhondamferrell@yahoo.com

I'm here anytime if you feel like talking more bout it. Hang in there!
Beck,
Do you think it is the sub for five days that makes you not want the lortab? Or is it the desire to quit? If I did the excact same thing you did, got the dr. to put me in the hospital for five days and give it to me, will I get the same results?
Hey Roe..up for a phone call tomorrow?


You can do this honey. You're bright, beautiful and willing. You can do anything you put your mind too.

Sub isn't always the answer and I'm getting a little tired of people saying that first off when people are looking for advice. It would not help your pain. When you have your surgeries, you'll have no more pain and then you'll be ready to come off of the opiates. We'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

Call me tomorrow when you can.

Love you, Lisa
Rhonda,
I'm going to email ya tonight. Your are a sweetie. Offering me your friendship means alot, you got mine too. I hope we can meet someday. What do you guys grow? You said something about a crop. Just curious. Ken grew up on a farm, and when we first moved to WI, we had a garden that was about 1/2 an acre. It was huge and alot of work.
I hate the way pills consume my life, you don't really realize it until something else comes up, everytime something comes up, its like pills are the first thing I think about. I wish I was an alcoholic or a pothead instead. But I don't mean to underestimate those addictions either, for me tho, they would be easier to quit.
Thank you for being here, I hope you always are. I love ya...... Roe.... and I will email you.
We grow tomatoes, watermelons, and cantaloupes. Also, we have chicken layer houses.

Please do email me. I think we have a lot in common and maybe could help each other. You were the first person to welcome to this board and i'll never forget how welcome you made me feel. Love ya....rhonda and looking foward to your email
Briar,

I can totally relate to how you feel. I also quit my job after my daughter was born, that was 11 years ago. I want to go back to work to feel more productive and interactive with the world. I don't really have any advice but I wish you luck and will be praying for you.

Shelly
Thanks guys,
Rhonda, I emailed you a short one just to make sure you got it, I had a few problems and didn't want to make a long one till I'm sure it went thru, so let me know if it did.

Lisa, absoloutely am up for a call tomorrow, call me whenver you want I'll take the boys to school and be home by 8am my time. Don't know the difference, right now its 3pm. I can tell you anything. Your the best. I love you too, alot.
You always make me feel good and you always know what to say. I'm just really confused and maybe together we can try to put things into perspective, heh? Talk to ya tomorrow. Love ya,,,,,,,,,,,,Roe xoxoxox
Oh Rhonda,
I love tomatoes, watermelons and cantaloupes. They're my favorites, especially home grown. I like to take an ice cream scooper and scoop balls out of the watermelon and canteloupe. yummmmmmmm.
And we used to grow the beefsteak tomatoes, during blt season. I used to just wash them sometimes, salt them and eat them over the sink. So good.
What are chicked layer houses? Is it for eggs? I have a thing about chickens.
When I was a kid we lived in El Salvador for a few years, my dad was a geologist and he had a project and moved us down there. Anyways, we lived like kings down there on the company's dime. We had maids and they used to raise and kill our food themselves.
There was a big yard and me and my brother were not allowed to go on the other side of the wall (thats where the maids butchered the chickens and stuff), anyways, I went over there (curious) I was about 9, and as I went over there, one of the maids just finished beheading a chicken, and I started running towards her because I was afraid and grossed out. Rhonda, I swear to God that this chicken was chasing me without its head! It ran and ran, so did I. Every time I'd take a turn, so did the headless chicken and I freaked. The thing must have run after me for a minute or two. It obviously was just coincidence, but it really seemed like it was running after me! To this day, I'm afraid of chickens. Isn't that wierd?
My dad used to give me dyed baby chicks, blue, yellow, pink, purple and gave them to me to play with. You know how cute baby chickens are. Anyway, when they weren't around anymore, he used to tell me that when they grow up, they go away and marry other chickens and when they have babies, they will come back and see me, sure enough, about 6 months later, I'd get another twenty or so. In actuality, they'd buy them, raise them, and we'd eat them. He'd have them dyed just to make me happy.
Its funny now, but at the time I was so scared.....
Roe i got your email. Sent a short one back for now. Let me know if you get b/c i've had a little trouble with my email. Talk to ya later! Love, Rhonda
Roe,

The new job sounds exciting. I'm sure you will be hired. Just think, a new beginning.

Suboxone isn't for everyone. Suboxone isn't a cure. You don't take it for a few days, stop and your addiction is over. Addiction is a life threatening disease and there is no cure. To quote Kee Kee, "you don't just take suboxone and sit there". You must learn all you can about your disease join a therapy group, AA/NA, get any and all the support you can. If you don't understand your disease when you stop taking suboxone you will relapse so fast you won't know what hit you.

I too am concerned that people may think suboxone is a "quick fix" when it isn't.

I took suboxone with the help of a great addiction specialist. I quit more times than I can count and always failed. I finally asked for help and got more help than I ever dreamed of. Suboxone helped me, I can even say it saved my life. Suboxone gave me the time to stop chasing pills and to concentrate on my recovery.

Start making phone calls. Call your local hospital detox unit. Call some "hot lines". Just talking about it helps so much. See what help is available that you feel comfortable with and I don't mean just asking about suboxone. Quitting isnt easy and there are a lot of people out there who will help you. I know how hard that first call is to make but you can do it.

I am really excited about that job, it sounds like a blast.

Catherine



Roe, good for you for wanting to move on. The otherside is much better. Your kids are old enough now that working will not be a problem with you gone.

I think you should try sub. You said that you feel sad and depressed when you quit...that is because you have seriously altered your brain chemistry. Sub will help keep that depression and apathy away while you get the help you need to learn to stay clean.

I had bad back issues, and sub helped me with the pain. I know for sure I would have given up without the sub and gone back to pain meds. Please give it a shot.

Cowgirl, you wrote: Sub isn't always the answer and I'm getting a little tired of people saying that first off when people are looking for advice. It would not help your pain.

How do you know? Have you taken sub? For pain? Do you know what it is like to live in pain?? I think you used to just to abuse pain meds, not take them for pain. Living in constant pain is very different, and unless you have been there, how can you give such advice?

Maybe there are some that will benefit from sub. No, it isn't for everyone. But this is a life or death disease, and being on sub is a whole hell of a lot less damamging that being on oxy.

Good luck, Roe.
Lisa??HUGH it will not help with the pain? How would you know this? i managed to have throat and nasal surgery and used 8 mg of suboxone instead of oxy or morphine. I understand the 12 steps Lisa just like you. Just because I have ?out grown them? I know if I really get in my f mood I will run to a meeting. I just do not get that way anymore. Anyway Lisa I never could understand how anybody can advise someone about pain when they do not live in it daily. When you suffer daily with pain mentally you get so depressed you will do anything to get out of pain. Oxycodone always helps for a week a month but sooner or later the pills make the pain worse. depression kicks in and its adios to LIFE. That's my experience.

How did I get better? I surrendered and stopped self medicating. I had my second Hip done and relapsed cause I did not change anything. No exercise ate poorly bad ATTITUDE POOR ME--well I fixed it all by using suboxone.

The key to Suboxone is it does change your brain chemistry. Its proven. The stuff works. I get pissed when people trash the drug. While you take suboxone your able to thing rationally. You listen to the doctor . You go to your meetings. You go therapy. You feel better about yourself. Start eating correctly. Exercise. WOW all of a sudden your a different person and its 6 month chip time. By then your so proud you want 9 months and then a year.

Because your On Sub you can go back to work. Your memory improves cause you start to sleep better and your eating correctly. BLA BLA BLA you all get it I would think. Its SIMPLE but addicts make everything so difficult. Its our disease.

Hence KEEP IT SIMPLE

JMHO but it was my 6 month chip and being asked to share on my one yr at smithers in 1989 were awesome memories I will never forget. AA IMO is mandatory for any addict to really have a shot of staying sober. But AA is not a life sentence. Were all different and this is just my opinion. My experience.

I would love to know the % of people with horror stories who used suboxone went to therapy meetings and made all the necessary lifestyle changes.

PAIN SUCKS ROSE butOxy or any opiate? Your screwed..

Rose if you want to get off the Only 12 step meeting is a cog on the wheel. we spoke a long time ago about the wheel of recovery the way I see it.. I am glad your back. I suggested suboxone to you. Your knee how is it. I suggested a knee replacement. You cannot get off the pain meds until you fix your body. You cant go on suboxone until you fix your body. I am not sure what surgeries you need but do them all. Do not make mY MISTAKES.Doctors are there to help us people with chronic diseases. The minute i become my own doctor you might as well shoot my ARSE.

I earned this the hard way I procrastinated with my hip replacement and became a oxy abuser. I remember sharing my story with you.

Suboxone is a 8-10 month stint with an addiction specialist.

If you want to talk e-mail me your # I will call you. My voice is burnt for the day but will get to you tomorrow.

Feel good Roe--Love --Jeff
BY THE WAY GOOD LUCK
Roe.....that was the funniest story bout the headless chicken!! Yes, our chickens are egg layers. We sell the eggs to the company we are contracted to . They take those eggs to hatch not sell to eat. We have 3 houses with bout 11,000 chickens in each house that produce somewhere round 11,000 eggs a day. I am scared of chickens too. When I go in the houses and walk down the middles all 11,000 chickens are following you with those beedie eyes. It's freaky!!! It's crazy to be scared of what you have to keep alive and what makes our money.

And ((((((((((((((((((aw)))))))))))))))))))))) on the dyed baby chicks. I've seen em dyed but never had any. My kids and I did hatch our own batch of eggs in an incubator one time just to see if we could do it. It was soooo cool. I'm thinkin bout doing it again soon b/c it was much fun and the kids got a big kick out of it! It's been bout 4 or 5 years since we did that.