Where do i begin...well, it all started back when I was about 15 years old. I looked up to my brother, striving to be as great as him. He was an inspiration to me, being a wonderful athlet, one of the smartest in his class, and an all round great guy. Then I found out who he truely is...
I believe I was in the tenth grade when I first saw it. It shocked me greatly, to see my brother doing what he said he never would. Smoking Pot. I remember us both at a party (he was 17 at the time), and I saw him smoking it with his friends. I didn't know what to think, the fact that my brother, the boy I had looked up to was doing something so stupid. I knew from then that things would not be the same ever again. he was getting in with what he thought the "cool" crowd; which ultimatly leads to him getting kicked out of college and losing his full air force scholarship.
So his last high school year came to a close...unfortunantely he was caught with drug paraphenalia. I figured this would snap him back into order, but I was wrong. He enjoyed his summer smoking pot, and drinking on occasion. then in August he went off to school.
5 months passed and it was now winter. His first time back from college since he had left. Needless to say, he'd grown very independent and developed a bad temper. He mistreated my mother and father, only caring about himself. I knew this was a reflection of the drugs he'd been using for the past 5 months at school. While feeling concerned for him, I felt as though I would be able to help. I spent many nights talking to him about how stupid drugs are. His reply every time was "i'm just having a little fun, besides....I have to quite by the end of the of the winter break anyway." I was being fed empty promises. The end of the break rolled around, and guess what.....He hadn't stopped. So he went back to school for another couple months.
Spring break came about, and by this time I was begining to feel heart broken for him. he was drinking a lot more, and smoking on a daily basis. Our long nights of debated conversation continued, ultimately every conversation lead to him telling me about how he must quite smoking by the end of this break...my patience began to wear thin. I stayed strong however, knowing that getting mad was not the answer to solving this riddle. I began to wonder what would become of my big brother.
He returned to college for another couple months, and then back home for summer vacation. His complexion began to deiminish. He no longer had the sparkle that made him stand out. He began to look like just another pot head. Cigarettes became an addiction for him, and so did chewing tobacco. I knew that this path he had choosen would lead to trouble, and I was right. So as I had tried many times before, I tried to talk it out of him. but talking to my brother was about like talking to a brick wall. His attitude had even changed, he was paranoid of everything. He would constantly ask me if the family had a secret they were keeping from him, such as he was going to die, or that he is adopted. I began to worry even more. Stupidity then began to get the best of him, I found out that summer that he had done other drugs such as mushrooms. I knew that his addiction with marijuana and cigarettes was moving him to worse drugs. He began making horrible decisions, he drove drunk a few times that summer. But what really broke my heart was when I found out that he had Snorted cocaine with some "budies"(those are some real buddies i'll say). I confronted him about it one night when my father and I had to go pick him up for a party that he had become intoxicated at. His reply to me was "I had never tried it,and I want to try everything once." At this point I could have bursed into tears. what was to say he wouldn't do acid next, or heroine. I knew the ride was only begining, and I wanted off.
So summer once again ended and he went back to school. I continued with my studies as I was in my last semester of high school.one night when returning from my job. My parents asked me to come speak with them. I was worried, I knew something had happened by the tone of their voices. they sat me down and began telling me that my brother had been arrested. He got drunk one night and was picking fights with people entering his dorm room. The police were called on him and he tried to fight the police. He was quickly hand cuffed and taken to jail for the night. Upon being searched, 3 bags of marijuana were found on him. He was placed in a cell with another man whom he didn't get along with and fought. after this he was evicted from residence housing, and suspended from school for at least a semester. His scholarship was lost, and he was now living at home.
You would think that after getting arrested and put in jail, losing a scholarship, and getting suspended form school would be enough to get someone to stop using illegal substances. But I guess not in his case. I talk to my brother, and it seems as though he doesn't even care about what happened. He is very distant, and sits in his room all day. I feel as though I am starting to lose hope. Anger is building up inside of me at his lack of motivation to change. I feel as though my family is not able to help him, and I fear for the worst....
So tonight I am writing to ask for help. I fear for my parents and him. He threw a temper tantrum tonight. My mother took 2 joints she had found on his bed, and when she wouldn't give them to him; He became violent. He smashed some glasses, and punched our stove. He shattered the glass on the stove and it is now not able to be used. I don't fear physically for my family, but i fear for all of the emotional drain he is putting on my parents, they don't desearve it...
I don't know if he should be sent away to a drug abuse clinic, or what should be done. Any replies, comments, or questions are greatly appreciated.....
Thankyou,
Nick
Boy Nick I sure wish I had a brother Like you around when I was young
Nick am so sorry to hear of the awful situation your family finds itself in. As you now know, addiction is a disease that hurts all in its path. Your brother needs to decide for himself that he needs and wants help, until then there is not a lot you can do.
You and your family should not tolerate his bad behaviour, your mother was right to take his joints. There must be consequences for his actions, even if it means ultimately that he is thrown out of home.
There is an organisation that can help you and your parents. It is Nar Anon (for families of drug addicts) and Al Anon (for families of alcoholics). There are more Al Anon meetings around than Nar Anon, and you can go to Al ANon for the drug issues too. They will help you understand your brothers disease and how to help him, and yourselves.
I am a member of both of these fellowships and they have been lifesaving in my case.
I wish you all the best, if you ever want to talk my email is
rightontrackinoz@hotmail.com
Best wishes
Sean
You and your family should not tolerate his bad behaviour, your mother was right to take his joints. There must be consequences for his actions, even if it means ultimately that he is thrown out of home.
There is an organisation that can help you and your parents. It is Nar Anon (for families of drug addicts) and Al Anon (for families of alcoholics). There are more Al Anon meetings around than Nar Anon, and you can go to Al ANon for the drug issues too. They will help you understand your brothers disease and how to help him, and yourselves.
I am a member of both of these fellowships and they have been lifesaving in my case.
I wish you all the best, if you ever want to talk my email is
rightontrackinoz@hotmail.com
Best wishes
Sean
Nick,
First I have to say that you are doing a wonderful job at handling all this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart to go with it. GOOD FOR YOU!! It takes a strong person not to get sucked into all the things your brother did especially watching your idol go that route. Some little brothers just follow right in line and you did not. That means EVERYTHING!! I commend you on holding fast to your beliefs regardless of what path your beloved bro took.
Now I have alot of experience with this issue as 2 of my five brothers are hard core drug addicts. I have had to completely wash my hands of them but my mom still holds out hope for them and supports them in any way she can. PLEASE tell your parents that they absolutely should not enable him by fulfilling all his needs. It is such a sad sight to see my brothers 28 and 22 not working, just sitting around in an apartment they don't pay for. They let in any riffraff off the street just so they can do drugs and its gotten so they don't even care what it is now. Anything they will take anything. My younger bro has even had gay sex just to smoke some crack. It has all gotten so out of hand I just can't believe it! Anyway I'm sorry I hope I haven't scared you but it sounds like your bro absolutely needs an intervention. Hiding is a big thing that druggies love to do, so if all the people he knows and loves confront him together and let him know that everyone knows that he is using and that he needs help and that no one will give up on him till he is in rehab. I am telling you from the bottom of my soul that no amount of talking alone will help him. He is in a cycle and the only way it can be broken is for him to sober up for awhile so you can appeal to the real person inside. Not the drugs, because thats all your talking to now. I beg my mom to send my brothers to rehab or at least kick em out and make things alittle harder for them but she won't she says she would rather know they have a full stomache and warm bed. She doesn't want them to die she says. Too me they already have died. No spark, No ambition, No life. Its so sad.
You still have hope of turning things around for your brother but you have to get him sober and from what it sounds like, thats only going to happen in a good facility because its so hard to stop once you've started.
I know you will do whats best and I pray that your family knows what a wonderful person you've turned out to be. Good luck in your future and I will be keeping you all in my prayers.
Me
First I have to say that you are doing a wonderful job at handling all this. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and a good heart to go with it. GOOD FOR YOU!! It takes a strong person not to get sucked into all the things your brother did especially watching your idol go that route. Some little brothers just follow right in line and you did not. That means EVERYTHING!! I commend you on holding fast to your beliefs regardless of what path your beloved bro took.
Now I have alot of experience with this issue as 2 of my five brothers are hard core drug addicts. I have had to completely wash my hands of them but my mom still holds out hope for them and supports them in any way she can. PLEASE tell your parents that they absolutely should not enable him by fulfilling all his needs. It is such a sad sight to see my brothers 28 and 22 not working, just sitting around in an apartment they don't pay for. They let in any riffraff off the street just so they can do drugs and its gotten so they don't even care what it is now. Anything they will take anything. My younger bro has even had gay sex just to smoke some crack. It has all gotten so out of hand I just can't believe it! Anyway I'm sorry I hope I haven't scared you but it sounds like your bro absolutely needs an intervention. Hiding is a big thing that druggies love to do, so if all the people he knows and loves confront him together and let him know that everyone knows that he is using and that he needs help and that no one will give up on him till he is in rehab. I am telling you from the bottom of my soul that no amount of talking alone will help him. He is in a cycle and the only way it can be broken is for him to sober up for awhile so you can appeal to the real person inside. Not the drugs, because thats all your talking to now. I beg my mom to send my brothers to rehab or at least kick em out and make things alittle harder for them but she won't she says she would rather know they have a full stomache and warm bed. She doesn't want them to die she says. Too me they already have died. No spark, No ambition, No life. Its so sad.
You still have hope of turning things around for your brother but you have to get him sober and from what it sounds like, thats only going to happen in a good facility because its so hard to stop once you've started.
I know you will do whats best and I pray that your family knows what a wonderful person you've turned out to be. Good luck in your future and I will be keeping you all in my prayers.
Me
Nick, you are a very articulate young man and express yourself very well in writing. Thanks for sharing your story and asking for help. You have taken a very courageous first step -- many families try to hide these issues and hope they will go away or that they will resolve themselves or become manageable.
This is probably going to be hard to understand -- I'm not sure I understand it, but attempting to reason with an addict/alcholic while they are actively using just doesn't work. The substance they are using does the thinking and the talking for them.
One shot at this point is to get your brother detoxed so the substances are out of his system --- then he and the other family members can somewhat rationally and squarely face the denial that has set in. There is a lot to that one word denial. Search the web and get more information on it. May take weeks or months to break through the denail, it is so strong, and totally inhibits progress.
From my experience, his living back at home is a mistake. I tried that with an alcoholic son. Physical acts of violence should not be tolerated in the home under any circumstances. Talking to an alcoholic/addict while he is under the influence is a totally worthless exercise. Accepting lies is not the way to live. Hiding money and car keys, etc. also does not work and is sick. Provoking them while they are under the influence is downright dangereous.
Many times jail, car wrecks, job losses, school dismissals, mishaps and problems with negative consequences are blessings in disguise. Accept them as such. Don't get in a hurry, these things take time.
Keep writing here. And listening. You will learn a lot and pick up a lot of info from other people's experiences.
Be careful of your expectations. Don't set yourself up for failure.
By the way, my kid brother was an alcoholic, herion addict and a cafeteria addict -- injested everything and anything he could get his hands on. I have a good idea of how you are feeling.
This is probably going to be hard to understand -- I'm not sure I understand it, but attempting to reason with an addict/alcholic while they are actively using just doesn't work. The substance they are using does the thinking and the talking for them.
One shot at this point is to get your brother detoxed so the substances are out of his system --- then he and the other family members can somewhat rationally and squarely face the denial that has set in. There is a lot to that one word denial. Search the web and get more information on it. May take weeks or months to break through the denail, it is so strong, and totally inhibits progress.
From my experience, his living back at home is a mistake. I tried that with an alcoholic son. Physical acts of violence should not be tolerated in the home under any circumstances. Talking to an alcoholic/addict while he is under the influence is a totally worthless exercise. Accepting lies is not the way to live. Hiding money and car keys, etc. also does not work and is sick. Provoking them while they are under the influence is downright dangereous.
Many times jail, car wrecks, job losses, school dismissals, mishaps and problems with negative consequences are blessings in disguise. Accept them as such. Don't get in a hurry, these things take time.
Keep writing here. And listening. You will learn a lot and pick up a lot of info from other people's experiences.
Be careful of your expectations. Don't set yourself up for failure.
By the way, my kid brother was an alcoholic, herion addict and a cafeteria addict -- injested everything and anything he could get his hands on. I have a good idea of how you are feeling.
I honestly believe you 'guys' are doing a great job giving thoughtful and kind ideas for those in in need of help. It appears my main problem is the fear of lung damage and possible arrest and humiliation, some of the latter may already be in place. Valid reasons to give up indeed if offset by feeling of injust tyranny of those culturally opposed my illegal happiness. You may know that I am intexoicated by my writing style and your comments that someone under the influence cannot be influenced by straight thinking as very true. Maybe I am denying the ugly reality my life is and is becoming but this has been through 20 years of marriage + 2 great young kids and steady career. How much better can life be? So many addictions so little time.
I appreciate everyone's replies very much. They are all very useful and i will take into consideration all of the options available to myself.
Even though only a day has passed since i placed my story in this message board, i find myself in a delima with my parents. It seems as though they are being to leniant upon my brother. After the incident with him breaking my stove they were angry. However, they quickly regained there composure with him. Blinded confidence in his choices were re-instilled within a 24 hour period. My parents show to have bad judgement at times, and it somewhat infuriates me. Last night, my parents let him go out with some buddies. Even after i told them that he was going to go smoke pot. They chose to ignore my accusations against him. so i feel as though the problem may not be totally with him, but my parents inability to recognize the truth....that he will lie and do whatever it takes just to smoke pot and get "messed-up."
So any comments on how to persuade my parents to be tougher on him are appreciated. I will write back within a day or so....
Thankyou,
Nick
Even though only a day has passed since i placed my story in this message board, i find myself in a delima with my parents. It seems as though they are being to leniant upon my brother. After the incident with him breaking my stove they were angry. However, they quickly regained there composure with him. Blinded confidence in his choices were re-instilled within a 24 hour period. My parents show to have bad judgement at times, and it somewhat infuriates me. Last night, my parents let him go out with some buddies. Even after i told them that he was going to go smoke pot. They chose to ignore my accusations against him. so i feel as though the problem may not be totally with him, but my parents inability to recognize the truth....that he will lie and do whatever it takes just to smoke pot and get "messed-up."
So any comments on how to persuade my parents to be tougher on him are appreciated. I will write back within a day or so....
Thankyou,
Nick
Nick again congratulations on your level-headed and compassionate approach.
In addiction terms, you parents are we call "enablers". They make it easier for him to use and to act badly. They are not creating the tension for change that your brother needs.
There is a saying that he will chnage when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Your parents *should* be making things more painful for him if he uses/acts badly.
How do you get them to see.. I am not sure. You can tell them what I have just said that these messages come from families of loved ones who have been where your brother is, and have found answers.
Al Anon is there to teach your parents about addiction and what tools they need to deal with your brother. You could go to a meweting and tell them you are, show them the way.
Nar Anon is for families of addicts
Al Anon for families of alcoholics. There are more AL Anon (Alateen for you) meetings around so u can go to one of them if you need to.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm
I am happy to chat with you if you have msn messenger, my chat/email is freethepanchenlama@hotmail.com
Best wishes to you :)
Sean
In addiction terms, you parents are we call "enablers". They make it easier for him to use and to act badly. They are not creating the tension for change that your brother needs.
There is a saying that he will chnage when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go. Your parents *should* be making things more painful for him if he uses/acts badly.
How do you get them to see.. I am not sure. You can tell them what I have just said that these messages come from families of loved ones who have been where your brother is, and have found answers.
Al Anon is there to teach your parents about addiction and what tools they need to deal with your brother. You could go to a meweting and tell them you are, show them the way.
Nar Anon is for families of addicts
Al Anon for families of alcoholics. There are more AL Anon (Alateen for you) meetings around so u can go to one of them if you need to.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
http://www.naranonmi.org/meetings_worldwide.htm
I am happy to chat with you if you have msn messenger, my chat/email is freethepanchenlama@hotmail.com
Best wishes to you :)
Sean
Thankyou sean, i appreciate your help in the predicament i find myself in. This message board seems to be giving me much advice as to how i should conduct myself.
I believed it best time to stop being the silent objector agianst my brother tonight. After coming home from martial arts class tonight i told him straight up...."Thomas, i don't like the way you are treating mom and dad. They are giving you a nice place to live, a warm bed, food, and all of the essentials you need. You don't need to be treating them like s*** (pardon my language, i was rather angry), not after all they are doing for you and trying to help you..." After telling him this, his reply was...."oh, and whose going to stop me...YOU." to be honest with you, i try to conduct myself with as much compassion and love as possible...I am a buddhist....but i feel as though he makes me a bad person. He causes me to get angry, and i don't like it. I feel that if he were to get help, i too would benefit.
As far as my parents are concerned. I told them about how i "went off on him." They were angry with what i had done. My parents wish to deal with him their way, but frankly i don't think it is working. I told my mother that she has way to much confidence in him, he is a drug user...and the drugs are talking for him. She was angry at this remark and any useful knowledge i had given her quickly subsided.
I have told my parents that there have been other families with the same delima. Yet they still choose to conduct this issue in their own way. They believe these "other families" to have been in a worse spot then we are. I feel as though i may not be getting through to my parents....
I suppose all of the help you have given me is a sufficient start for recovery. The only problem i find now is getting my parents and brother to start. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated...
Thankyou,
Nick
I believed it best time to stop being the silent objector agianst my brother tonight. After coming home from martial arts class tonight i told him straight up...."Thomas, i don't like the way you are treating mom and dad. They are giving you a nice place to live, a warm bed, food, and all of the essentials you need. You don't need to be treating them like s*** (pardon my language, i was rather angry), not after all they are doing for you and trying to help you..." After telling him this, his reply was...."oh, and whose going to stop me...YOU." to be honest with you, i try to conduct myself with as much compassion and love as possible...I am a buddhist....but i feel as though he makes me a bad person. He causes me to get angry, and i don't like it. I feel that if he were to get help, i too would benefit.
As far as my parents are concerned. I told them about how i "went off on him." They were angry with what i had done. My parents wish to deal with him their way, but frankly i don't think it is working. I told my mother that she has way to much confidence in him, he is a drug user...and the drugs are talking for him. She was angry at this remark and any useful knowledge i had given her quickly subsided.
I have told my parents that there have been other families with the same delima. Yet they still choose to conduct this issue in their own way. They believe these "other families" to have been in a worse spot then we are. I feel as though i may not be getting through to my parents....
I suppose all of the help you have given me is a sufficient start for recovery. The only problem i find now is getting my parents and brother to start. Any comments would be GREATLY appreciated...
Thankyou,
Nick
Nick, it is obvious that you are no longer in denial regarding your brother's addiction.
How about going to the website for Narcotics Anonymous. There you will find a free, printable pamphlets that asks a series of questions designed to make one think about their drug use. Off it both to your brother, in the morning when he is fresh, and to your parents (or one of your parents). Might start breaking through some of the denial. Understand that your brother will protect his addiction at all costs and your parents, at this point, will do anything to protect him.
How about going to the website for Narcotics Anonymous. There you will find a free, printable pamphlets that asks a series of questions designed to make one think about their drug use. Off it both to your brother, in the morning when he is fresh, and to your parents (or one of your parents). Might start breaking through some of the denial. Understand that your brother will protect his addiction at all costs and your parents, at this point, will do anything to protect him.
Nick, I understand your problem and I have been there. Btw, I am also a buddhist so remember to love your brother but practice non-attachment.. this will helpo you avoid anger and other negative thoughts.
For what is is worth I think you did the right thing.
My advice for you is to start attending Nar Anon Meetings. There is literature at those meetings that can help your parents.
I am happy to talk with you any time
Best wishes
Sean
For what is is worth I think you did the right thing.
My advice for you is to start attending Nar Anon Meetings. There is literature at those meetings that can help your parents.
I am happy to talk with you any time
Best wishes
Sean
Thankyou Sean...
I suppose i have recently been to wound up in his whole addiction to realize that it is his life. And while it is his life, i should only intervene to an extent. Getting him help should be a priority, but i can only show him the path; It is he who must walk it. In the mean time, i suppose it would be best if i deal with him using as much compassion as possible. Tolerating his antics, and only getting involved when necessary...eventually, hopefully he will find strength within himself to cease the use of these mind clouding substances.
I visited the website, and told my parents about it. They have yet to act upon my advice, but i hope that they will take a step within a day or so to helping him. once again, i appreciate your help...it is proving to be very beneficial in ways reguarding Thomas, my parents, and myself....
Thankyou,
Nick
I suppose i have recently been to wound up in his whole addiction to realize that it is his life. And while it is his life, i should only intervene to an extent. Getting him help should be a priority, but i can only show him the path; It is he who must walk it. In the mean time, i suppose it would be best if i deal with him using as much compassion as possible. Tolerating his antics, and only getting involved when necessary...eventually, hopefully he will find strength within himself to cease the use of these mind clouding substances.
I visited the website, and told my parents about it. They have yet to act upon my advice, but i hope that they will take a step within a day or so to helping him. once again, i appreciate your help...it is proving to be very beneficial in ways reguarding Thomas, my parents, and myself....
Thankyou,
Nick
