I have a 21 year old son who is addicted to pot and internet poker. We have been advised by some to kick him out. He has depression, and we are afraid he might harm himself, so are reluctant to do so. He is also somewhat niave about the world. Has being kicked out worked for anyone? He is extremely unpleasant to live with when he needs his pot. Should we kick him out but help him find a safe place? What happens when he calls to ask to come home? I am asking here instead of the parent's forum because I would love the veiwpoint of past and current addicts. Thanks for any advise!
A Desperate Mom
I left home on my own at age 17. I found a job and got a small apartment. I was in school, and my parents helped me with tuition and books, but I was on my own in all other respects. It certainly helped me and my life actually improved when I left home. However, it would be another 17 years before I would bottom out and let go of my addiction to weed.
There is little you can do to force another person to quit smoking weed or otherwise acting out his addictions. If you look into some of the literature on co-dependency, you will learn about the concept of enabling addiction. When you facillitate an environment where an addict can comfortably and safely act out on his addictions, you actually reinforce the addictive behaviour.
Also, understand that addicts learn to be extremely manipulative in pursuit of thier addiction. They will push any button, pull any string to continue a comfortable using gig. Much of Al-Anon is about learning to not be the patsy of the addict.
The push from childhood to adulthood is a difficult one. Many children prefer the relative comfort and safety of life with mom and dad. My problem here (and I am not a parent, I confess) is that I do not see the benefit of these kinds or arrangments for either the parents or the child.
If he is of legal age and able bodied such that he can work, why would you want to put up with such unpleasantness?
Good luck.
August
There is little you can do to force another person to quit smoking weed or otherwise acting out his addictions. If you look into some of the literature on co-dependency, you will learn about the concept of enabling addiction. When you facillitate an environment where an addict can comfortably and safely act out on his addictions, you actually reinforce the addictive behaviour.
Also, understand that addicts learn to be extremely manipulative in pursuit of thier addiction. They will push any button, pull any string to continue a comfortable using gig. Much of Al-Anon is about learning to not be the patsy of the addict.
The push from childhood to adulthood is a difficult one. Many children prefer the relative comfort and safety of life with mom and dad. My problem here (and I am not a parent, I confess) is that I do not see the benefit of these kinds or arrangments for either the parents or the child.
If he is of legal age and able bodied such that he can work, why would you want to put up with such unpleasantness?
Good luck.
August
Thanks so much for your reply. Any input is really helpful, as we are struggling with how much craziness to put up with. I don't know if he is capable of working right now. His addiction has really taken a toll on him--he just had to drop out of college. I guess we need to kick him out, but we are afraid that he will harm himself. But, if it is the only way to get through to him I guess maybe that is what we will have to do. I was wondering if that would really help or would just be another push over the edge for him. Right now he is a very non-functioning addict, and my husband and I are disagreeing on what is the correct action to take. It is helpful to hear from others who have been through this.
Thanks!
Desperate Mom
Thanks!
Desperate Mom
Dear Mom,
my parents have 6 kids and each of us has put them through our own kind of hell.
They have tried EVERYTHING to try and make my younger brother quit drugs.
Everything EXCEPT kicking him out. They scream, and yell and push and fight all to no avail. It is the same with me although they don't feel I am so bad because I still function and work and live. My little brother however does not work and he is only 22 and very able bodied. My parents gave him alittle apartment and he just stays up there and rots. I have heard rumors that he is having gay sex just to get high. He has no ambition and is very suicidal as well. Whether or not you kick him out is all in what you believe you can live with. You have to accept the fact that no matter what you choose it will be hard to get him off of drugs. Some people make it through and others don't. If you kick him out I would be prepared for the fact that he might die. It is completely possible and you have to be ready for that. Now don't run scared because the truth also is that he could die in his own bedroom of a substance that he took before he came home. If you want to watch his war with drugs then let him stay home, if you can't bear to see it then make him leave.
I have always come down on my parents about not making him work or about kicking him out but mom says she'd rather know hes drugged up but alive.
I think if it were my son I would revoke all privelges like money and car and leaving the house period until you know for sure that he has been clean for a few days. You have to run your own little detox on him. Then you can reason with him once hes sober and take him to get a job..now you can't send him off to get a job because that won't work...you have to take him yourself. then on his first day you have to drop him off and watch him walk inside. Soon he will get into the swing of things at work and it won't be scary to think of working anymore. I swear it is scary to think of getting a job when your a kid. So I would watch him like a hawk and take him to and from work be absolutely sure hes not sneaking out and then when he has a month clean test him with a home kit. If its clean then I would give him alittle freedom but I would tell him if you have any suspicion of drug use he will be tested right then. Let him know that your not giving up on him and he is worth the effort it takes to get him clean. Take his check from him and just depost it into the bank.tell him when he is clean it will be there for him to spend on his new apartment and life. If he refuses tell him he can leave. He might leave for the night then come back all messed up and pass out. So then you sneak in his room and remove his keys and ID and things like that. He doesn't need it right now.Let him know that once you make this drug use an ingrained habit it can take 20 yrs to finally quit. Let him know that in that time he could have become a doctor or raised a child.
You could also drag his azz down to NA and let him see all the messed up people down there. Take him to a drug rehab clinic and let him see what they go through. There are all kinds of things you can do before you have to show tough love but let him know thats where hes headed if he doesn't work with you. Hope I made alittle sense.
Me
my parents have 6 kids and each of us has put them through our own kind of hell.
They have tried EVERYTHING to try and make my younger brother quit drugs.
Everything EXCEPT kicking him out. They scream, and yell and push and fight all to no avail. It is the same with me although they don't feel I am so bad because I still function and work and live. My little brother however does not work and he is only 22 and very able bodied. My parents gave him alittle apartment and he just stays up there and rots. I have heard rumors that he is having gay sex just to get high. He has no ambition and is very suicidal as well. Whether or not you kick him out is all in what you believe you can live with. You have to accept the fact that no matter what you choose it will be hard to get him off of drugs. Some people make it through and others don't. If you kick him out I would be prepared for the fact that he might die. It is completely possible and you have to be ready for that. Now don't run scared because the truth also is that he could die in his own bedroom of a substance that he took before he came home. If you want to watch his war with drugs then let him stay home, if you can't bear to see it then make him leave.
I have always come down on my parents about not making him work or about kicking him out but mom says she'd rather know hes drugged up but alive.
I think if it were my son I would revoke all privelges like money and car and leaving the house period until you know for sure that he has been clean for a few days. You have to run your own little detox on him. Then you can reason with him once hes sober and take him to get a job..now you can't send him off to get a job because that won't work...you have to take him yourself. then on his first day you have to drop him off and watch him walk inside. Soon he will get into the swing of things at work and it won't be scary to think of working anymore. I swear it is scary to think of getting a job when your a kid. So I would watch him like a hawk and take him to and from work be absolutely sure hes not sneaking out and then when he has a month clean test him with a home kit. If its clean then I would give him alittle freedom but I would tell him if you have any suspicion of drug use he will be tested right then. Let him know that your not giving up on him and he is worth the effort it takes to get him clean. Take his check from him and just depost it into the bank.tell him when he is clean it will be there for him to spend on his new apartment and life. If he refuses tell him he can leave. He might leave for the night then come back all messed up and pass out. So then you sneak in his room and remove his keys and ID and things like that. He doesn't need it right now.Let him know that once you make this drug use an ingrained habit it can take 20 yrs to finally quit. Let him know that in that time he could have become a doctor or raised a child.
You could also drag his azz down to NA and let him see all the messed up people down there. Take him to a drug rehab clinic and let him see what they go through. There are all kinds of things you can do before you have to show tough love but let him know thats where hes headed if he doesn't work with you. Hope I made alittle sense.
Me
desperate mother, there are several parents currently posting on the Families/Partners of addicts board of this website who have addicted young adults in their families and who are dealing with the same issues and questions that you and your husband are facing.
i would invite you to post your question there. i would never be one to dismiss any advice that augustwest offers, he's a pro at addiction recovery. but you might receive more "taffic" and responses there.
i personally have been where you find yourselves -- with all the same questions.
help and answers are available to you.
i would invite you to post your question there. i would never be one to dismiss any advice that augustwest offers, he's a pro at addiction recovery. but you might receive more "taffic" and responses there.
i personally have been where you find yourselves -- with all the same questions.
help and answers are available to you.
Bob, I would naturally defer all issues relating to family to you. As an addict, I am better at creating family discord than solving it.
August
August
I am an addict also my little brother. Our family was overly obbessive about trying to "control" our drug use. My Mother she is the co-dependent type we could scam manipulate her for money. My father on the other hand (parents do not live together) always saying i will not help you till you hit rock bottom. that is such a joke everytime i relapse i hit another bottom. i prayed that my family would kick me out (just so that i could use and do what i wanted to) If it wasn't for my Mom sticking by me i would be dead. already been to jail and institions death is left for me. I thank my higher power everyday for my Mom. I really don't know what message i am trying to say. I am just letting you know from a different side.Your family life might not be like mine. all of us are the same but yet we are sooo very different.
I did also post my message on the other board, but I wanted to get the perspective of other Marijuana addicts as to whether getting kicked out did or would work with them. It is an awful position for a parent as your instinct is to protect your child. I know my nephew got kicked out and he ended up making a mess of things. But at the same time, there is only so much a parent can take. Thanks for any advise.
Desperate Mom
Desperate Mom
