Yesterday's Pain, Turning Poison To Vitamins

The horrors and pain of our past (I guess I'll say mine instead of our because I think this is true with everyone, I can't be sure)
have always been pushing their way to my concious mind, and subconsciously affecting (effecting?) me throughout my life.

When using it was easy to deal with painfull memories as they pored through my awareness. I simply medicated them away, or through euphoric glasses would look at them, juggle them around a bit and then pretty much do what I wanted with them (distort them to be better or worse or make excuses or temporarily vanish them- whatever whim I wanted.)

What quickly became apparant to me, when I first quit using, was how angry I was. Also, things I hadn't remembered or thought about for years kept surfacing. Many seemed stupid and childish and I could't believe how these little things were even bothering me.

Speaking out at places such as NA was an important help. It provided ventilation & relief from some of the anger. But eventually I have learned to realize that I have to come to grips with issues. When long lost memories become fully restored in you conscious mind it is for a reason. Ultimately I think it is harmful for me to just try and blow it off and get over it.

Obviously, to continuously get caught up in the past and spend time obsessively dealing with it is not healthy. Gradually, I have been getting better with facing and dealing with painful past issues.

I think we all know it is harmfull to hold strong resentments toward people. (This is even more true when dealing with people I love, like my parents or brothers) At the same time, to try to simply forgive them (even if you trully want to) and quikly have it resolved and go away just does not work. So I have been learning to learn to honestly forgive involves work and really facing the truth and recognizeing what it is you are forgiving. I also had to learn then many of the wrongs done can not be justified or reasoned away or excused. Some can be understood and some cant.

I have been recently been thinking about the idea that the negative effects the past pain has caused can now somehow be turned into a source of positive & strength. I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of a broken bone: I have heard then many times, when it heals properly, it is stronger then it was before.

I think closer to the point would be RELAPSE AND RECOVERY. There is that NA saying that "Relapse is an unnecessary part of recovery." Relapsing is not a good thing in any way. It is a terrible thing that often turns into a MUCH WORSE ADDICTION then a person ever had. At a minimum the continued relapse will usually quickly turn to the same usage as before recovery. In any event the most likely results of the return to addiction will be the same: DEATH, INSTITUTIONALIZATION, OR RECOVERY.

Obviously, the only good choice is recovery. As you now grow in recovery, your relapse will become a part of it and you gain new insights and become a stonger and wiser person because of your relapse. (TO RE-STATE THE OBVIOUS, NA wisely uses the important word 'UNNECESSARY'------IT ONLY BECOMES PART of recovery when you get back in recovery & there is no way anyone needs relapse as part of their recovery experience. Obviously, if u dont get back into recovery then the relapse becomes a major step toward your destruction)

Anyway, just as someone could gain from having relapsed, I am thinking we can ultimately not just get healed from our past miserys, but somehow come to the point with them where they will make us stronger. I know that ( at least in some cases- ) this seems impossible & it is enough to have it healed. But this is something I ,,am going to try to figure out.
Thanks for sharing that Harry..I'm sure alot of us will agree.
I recently did this little exercise, it was really constructive.

They call it.

I wish it would have turned out different.

You take a situation in your past that did not turn out well. A Relationship, A Job, A dream. Anything.

Then you look at.

1. What role did I play in having the undesirable outcome occur. What actions did I take, Not take, What feelings did I allow to control the outcome. How did I respond to the failure or loss. How did this event shape me, What is the truth.
Is the dream dead, Can I NOW have what I wanted then.

(you can add whatever else might come up)


2. What role do I perceive the other people, person, institution play? What do I feel as I think about that. How have I responded to this perception.

(you can add whatever else might come up)


And finally If that situation comes up NOW, what am I gonna do?


Peace
Browndog~

Hi my name is Valarie. I can't remember if I've ever posted to you before. I'm an addict/alkie.

Would you mind if I copy this onto the booze board? Some good brain food in this and I'd love to share it over there. I also think it translates well for any addiction and a lot of things you stated in your post gave me pause.

Let me know if it's okay.

Have a great day! :-)

This thread pertains to the Fourth Step and in particular resentments.
RESENTMENTS

We have resentments when we re-feel old feelings,when we are unable to let go,when we cannot forgive of forget something that has upset us.We list our resentments in the Fourth step for a number of reasons.First,doing so will help let go of old anger that is affecting our lives today.Second,exploring our resentments will help us identify the ways in which we set ourselves up to be dissapointed in others,especially when our expectations were too high.Finally,making a list of our resentments will reveal patterns that kept us trapped in a cycle of anger, self-pity,or both.

My biggest resentment? When I finished doing a fourth step I just realized I would be doing it the rest of my life.I can't even begin to tell you the dissapointment I had over that one.

I know when I had finished,I looked at my sponsor and said "Well I'm glad that's over,I won't have to deal with that again".He just looked at me with that smirk and said"Think again my man.You're just getting started"

The steps are a blueprint and an in no way a finite exercise that we can boast "Oh yeah,I've done that step".

The good news is that now we have a pretty good ideal just how f***ed up our thinking has evolved.In the past I could easily blow off any indiscretion or harm someone else had caused.I though that "not feeling" was such an incredible way to live.In fact I wished the whole world could be supplied with opiates.It was the nectar of the Gods.

Fast forward to today.Yea,the resentments still pop up.I get to look at them with a clear head.I can honestly say the anger meter is significantly lower.I even have the courage,with God's help,to pretty much take care of them rather fast.The latest one which I've already gone into on a different thread,was the client who was sucking the life out of me.I took care of it in a timely fashion but still was a little crude.I'm better but far from healed.We both we're uncomfortable but it it did end up good.I gave her a big hug,apolgized for my part and did not expect anything back from her.Suprisingly,I did get a genuine apology the next day.The end result.........we will probably be friends for a long time.

The discussion the other day about families and being gay brought up some old stuff but anger wasn't one of them.It kind of surprised me too.I spent a long time on my 4th step about that and that is the result.

The steps are something I will be doing my whole life.It's the only way I will ever be living with some peace.Some people have found other ways and I applaud them.It's just a timeless fact that"drinking and using drugs were only a symptom of our disease." Living life on life's terms is the remedy and this addict had no clue how to do that.
Hey Now,

Accepting the Process.

I think that was the benefit of my first 4th step I now had a Process. This is knda how it goes., I feel some relief, which is then replaced by pain, which is then replaced by isolation.

Which is then replaced by me getting better, which is then replaced by me f***ing making a mess of s***, which is then replaced by me amending the behavior.
Which is then replaced by me accepting my self just a little bit more. Which is then replaced by me giving even more of the day to day to God.

Eventually, I hope to wake up, give it all to God, walk buoyantly through the day helping my fellow man and then retiring at the end of the day exhausted from the service.

I am not there yet.... I still get bogged down by my emotional insecurities and earthly pleasures, I am however aware of it.

Have a great weekend...

Go Outside and Play.
THANK YOU! This is an important part of recovery looking back and learning how to deal with the past. It has been the hardest thing for me to do. To forgive others and to learn to FORGIVE MYSELF. But I believe it is the most crucial part of any addicts recovery. If we do not deal with these issues they will end up eating us alive again and most will end up relapsing. Your post was very important to me, because this is what I am learning to do now. Thank You again.
Hey Now,

A very critical part in my learning how to deal with, well me. Came a while ago. It was borne out of desperation, finding some way to treat the unease I was finding myself in. Not a chronic spiritual condition but I was having flare-ups.

I was re-reading the 12 and 12 (AA version)

In the Fourth Step Chapter on page 52

It Lists the Most Common Symptoms of Emotional Insecurity.

Worry, Anger, Self Pity and Depression.

Well, they were my symptoms

So I now had a Name for what ailed me.

Emotional Insecurity.

It goes on and gives instruction on how to Inventory this area.

It suggest careful consideration of relationships that bring us continuous or reoccurring trouble.

There are some great questions to ask yourself.

At the end of the day it boiled down to this for me.

My instincts were threatened.

My perceptions born out of my addict mind made me think. The end is coming
This will run out. I will be alone, and if I am alone I will die. I can not handle life by myself. I never learned..

This Insecurity festered in every area, It did not matter what the situation the fear was real, as were the feelings.

Once I had a name for what ailed me, Once I saw the mire it stuck me in. I could address it.

IT WAS A LIE.

My whole personality was built on a lie.

The truth is.

I AM NOT ALONE. I NEVER WAS. I NEVER WILL BE. THERE IS A POWER GREATER THAN ME. THAT LOVES ME. UNCONDITIONALLY.

Yeah page 52 is a great place to get unstuck.

Peace
Valerie, Thank you for the great compliment. I am blushing almost. Of course you can copy. It is an honer.

If I ever say anything here that someone thinks is helpful they are more then wellcome to use it.

My hope is always what probably all of ours are - if we can help make a persons life good or better or whatever, it is more valuable to us then gold. It is a total blessing to ourselves to be able to offer something useful.

Thank you for making my day quite a bit better.
Tim, Deadhead, I finally got a chance to really read what you guys said and it is some good stuff.

Something I was somehow reminded of by Deadheads posts is this: I have for a long long time tried to be pretty honest with myself (even when using.) I accept responsiblility and blame pretty easily but Ihave recently come to be aware of a tendency I have to try to make excuses for drugs and some of the problems they caused me.

Why, I'm not sure. Maybe it means facing just how wrong I was. What I am trying to say is that if I failed at something or didn't accomplish something or neglected something, or something bad happened I have been unwilling to admit the role drugs had in it. I could accept it was my fault, or realistically & honestly blame the actions of others, but I was (and maybe still am sometimes) unwilling to admit that my drug use entered into the equation or was even a major factor. (and all this time I thought I was perfect)
Hey Now,

Great Thread Browndog.

I know exactly what you mean. About the role drug use played in the formation of Joe the Person.

Just how destructive they really were.

Just what role did they play in not only my failures, but my successes.

I spent sometime reflecting on this, this morning.

And I to find the line between it was the drugs, and it was me a blurry one.

I know that some of my character defects like.

Lying, Stealing, and Cheating, Anger and Fear and Self Hatred were present before the onset of drug use. And I started using regularly at 13.

I also Know that

I had a Great Imagination, True Loyalty, Unblemished Love, Sense of Humor, Deep Compassion and Bright eyed Hope and Enthusiasm for Life.

I can tell this, THE DRUGS slowly diminished and eventually depleted my assets. As I began relying on my Defects to carry the day.

That I think is the Joy of Being Clean. It is the triumphant return of my Positive Attributes coupled with a Successful way to treat my Defects.

Now all I have to do is Get the f*** out of the way and allow God to work in my life.

For I have discovered this fact. God fixes me, I just get the privilege of sharing about it.

Peace
I had to get away from just the drugs just being the problem.They were only a symptom.A lot of my 4th step dealt with things that had nothing to do with drugs.Some of my behavior sober was deploarable and my reaction to outside reactions.

I will never be finished with this step until I die because as long as I'm human,I will continue to act out.I didn't lose my personality and unfortunately I still make mistakes in which amends are called for.
Though I strongly support people going to NA/AA & I am convinced it works & is the best thing out there----I go to meetings occasionally & (anyway at thiss point & this might sound lame) its not me 100%.

BUt there is so much wisdom & insight. Tim, you have been bringing up step 4 regularly &it seems to completely apply. I'm gonna dig up my NA book & check it out.

Well gotta ge an hour snooze before work, take care.


DeadH--I'm gonna ponder ur words re about the gradual destruction of ur good qualities by drugs. I tried very hard not to let that happen. I have to think about it cause it was always still me and unacceptable to me to be immoral--but still,did i slip some--im not sure.
QUOTE
its not me 100%.
.....Nor I.I see people who do make it 100% of their life and I think that goes against the basic teachings.It's a tool to help incorporate us into the real world.If we do nothing but spend all day at an AA club,making endless meetings and becoming prophets,then we've basially made it a cult.

There is a fine line here.

I just met a guy I was working for the other day that had a substantial amount of sobriety through AA and I shared I was also in the program and we proceeded to have a mini meeting.It was really cool.He rarely goes anymore but still does but he's enjoying life.He's not only a retired surfer,but fishes and goes sailing.His grandson is also in the program and is instrumental in starting a youth program for students at the University of Houston.Just by talking to this guy I could tell that I want what he has.He seems to be at peace.

I do believe that in order to stay sober you have to give it away.It's like playing it forward.I know lots of members who have double digit sobriety who rarely go to meetings anymore but they still incorporate the teachings in their lives.

But you do need those who have been sober a long time to be mainstays of the group cohesion.Without them,there wouldn't be much stability.You just have to determine where you fit in all this.I still make 3-4 a week but there may come a time where going that much may not be required.I don't have a prophet type mentality so I seriously doubt that will be my role.