You Guys Ready? This Is Priceless!

I haven't felt good today so I moped around here almost all day. I didn't feel great yesterday so I moped around here all day. I finally made myself go out and mow the lawn and pull some weeds in my garden. As I was mowing I got to thinkin'. (I do my best thinking out in my yard.) I've been clear of Oxycontin for 6 days. I wasn't able to do it on my own before but now I have the Suboxone. I've been saying my health is worth fighting for, that I have a whole life ahead of me without drugs, and that soon I'll be normal. Well, you know what I mean! Anyway...What have I been doing the past 6 days to fight for my health, to start my new life, to work toward being "normal"? Absolutely NOTHING. That's what. Some argue that Suboxone is just a replacement for opioids. Well, the way I'm going, I'll be a prime example for that arguement! I have 3 more weeks on the Suboxone and in that time, I may not feel great but at least I'm not laying in a corner of an alley detoxing. I'm not in jail. I'm not putting myself in dangerous or illegal positions to get my drugs. I have this time that I can really begin focusing on my drug free life and I'm sitting here obsessing about the fact that the Suboxone isn't making me feel fabulous like everyone said it would. SO WHAT! The way I'm going, I'm going to finish my 4 week Suboxone therapy, not be any further ahead than I am right this very minute and I'm going to find something to make me feel better. Anybody's guess as to what that might be?! You can all say it...Callie you're a DORK!
You all might get tired of seeing my posts here, I know I'm too analytical at times, and yes obsessive and I'm sorry. But for right now, this is the only place I can come to help keep me straight and to figure things out. My responses to others aren't simply to (hopefully) help them but it reinforces everything I know about this journey and helps me remember it. I hope you all can put up with me and I truly hope my ramblings help someone else avoid the pitfalls that my addicted little brain is trying to push me into!

I'm going to shut up now but before I do...

What's the best thing you can do when you find yourself in a hole?

STOP DIGGING!!
Callie,

I'm glad you're here. You know, you sound a lot like me. Except you're doing better because you're actually getting off sub in a short amount of time. I've been stuck on 4mgs a day for about 6 mo. now, but I am doing so well in just about every aspect of my life, I've been off oxy for 10 mo.
I wouldn't be able to have the type of job I have if I was still using and getting high. I would be too wrapped up in my buzz, and then have to take more, and then worry about them all the time. I would NOT be able to do my job, something I love to do and am GOOD at.

I also would NOT be able to take my daughter to the park, and pool, and to visit her grandparents, cause I would not ever want to go anywhere.
Sub has helped a lot, and I also go to two diff. therapists. lol.

You inspire me. Also talked to a dear friend just yesterday and he was on my a** to begin dropping my dose. (jeff) ;)

Thanks for sharing your story. I hope to hear more.

Stacey
Hey Stacy,

How come you're on 4mgs. so long? Is it because you don't feel ready or is that your Doc's plan for you? It's my doc's plan for being on 4 weeks but at the end of 4 weeks if I'm not doing well that plan will change. I'm glad you got something from my post. Even though I know what I need to do, it's very hard to get motivated to do it. So many things are changing in my life right now it's hard to focus. My mother passed away just 3 weeks ago. For most people that would be a sad event, they'd grieve and they'd move on. Well, my mom lived with me for the last 5 years of her life. I quit working because she became bedridden and I was her sole caregiver. I was paid through the state to take care of her so I lost my mom and I lost my job. There are many other events that have taken place in my life in the last 5 years that I shoved into the darkness in order to concentrate on my mom and now...I'm dealing with recovery, my mother's death and trying to build my business back up. On top of all that, all the crap that's happened in those 5 years is now coming up front and center to be reckoned with and I'm alone here. I don't know when it happened but I seem to be very intimidated by being around a lot of people. I know hiding my addiction plays a part in that and I was isolated here because of my mom but I think it has a lot to do with losing self confidence as well. I'm getting older, I'm not where I want to be professionally, physically, or emotionally. So you can maybe see why coming here is such a comfort. I'll have to step out of my comfort zone at some point, I know that but for now, I'll hope everyone here can be patient with my shenanigans. Hope you're having a good night. Write back if you feel like it!

~Callie~
Hey Callie,

No, when I started the sub, I wanted to do a quick taper. My doctor said I would need to be on it atleast 6 mo. before we think about weaning.
I don't have a great sub doctor. she's kinda nuts, and if I didn't know better I'd be in huge trouble. She started both me and my husband off at 32mg a day. I never have taken over 10mg a day.
I went from 10 to 8 to 6 and now at 4 where I'm just STUCK!

One reason my doctor wants me to stay on it is it's my pain med. I have 3 herniated discs in my lower back that I got when I was T-boned back in 04'. Sometimes Aleve and stuff like that just won't touch it.

I'm sorry about your mother. I winced when I read that part. Only 3 weeks? You have so much on your plate. I'll be praying for you. What was wrong with your mom if you don't mind me asking?
What type of job do you want for yourself? What state/country do you live? I'm a nosey one, that's for sure!

Have a great Sunday. See ya around.
Stacey
Morning Ladies,


Top of the day to you both! Stacey...I just wanted to let you know that I completely understand that feeling of "stuck" at 4mgs. I am convinced that it is about 80% mental and the rest genuine physical. I was at 4mgs for the longest time.

Maybe you are going to be on the sub for a while because of your herniated disks....I never had real pain issues so for me it may have been easier as well. Anyway, I think that if you have to remain on sub long term...so be it. I know as do you the freedom and life that we got back when we stopped the madness and began sub treatment. Is it your ultimate goal to be off? Just wondering...not that it matters one bit. Some put way to much emphasis on being "off". When your life has improved considerably with the quality of our relationships and daily living on the upswing...it just doesn't matter.

Here is what I did and maybe it could be helpful to you. I got so used to my "dose" in the morning so I really tried to get away from that. Try to take your dose as late as possible in the day. Its a bit tricky for the first few days because I think we are so conditioned to getting that "boost" in the morning. I often wondered if someone were to switch my sub with a placebo if I would notice. Sub has a very long half life so the effects are there for a long time...for me I think my morning aches and pains had more to do with my age :-) than the medicine. Anyway taking it later in the day became easier and I actually started dosing later and later....by the time I was 2mgs....I literally was taking it late in the afternoon.

Just a suggestion....its good that we have this place to toss around ideas about our experience with addiction!

I am happy to see you grooving right along...that is just fantastic! How is that baby girl of yours? She must be getting so big now! Have a super day!

Hey Stacey!

Thanks for your post. You're like me! Not nosey....just CURIOUS!! My mom had so many things...her heart, diabetes, lung disease, parkinsons, manic depression. Ultimately, she fell again and broke her leg for the second time in 4 years. Her health was so bad and had been declining before this last fall that she just couldn't tolerate it. She had so many things that could have been fixed by med procedures or surgery but because of her heart and lungs, no one would put her under anesthesia for any kind of procedure. She never took her conditions seriously and never took care of herself to begin with, she was suicidal many times in her life and she's never been a fighter. She was ready to die. A long time ago. Now she's out of her pain and I'm well on my way to getting out of mine. The difference between me and my mom is that, no matter how many times I fall or screw up, I'll never give up trying to make my life (and the lives of people around me) better.

I'm 49, I live in Washington State. I've had different careers. In my younger years, I did mostly office work, from clerical to banking to insurance claims adjuster. I've always had a passion for children and I was lucky enough to work with special needs kids for about 7 years, both in the private sector and in the public school system. Sad to say, I couldn't handle the politics in the public school system and couldn't make a living at working in the private sector without a formal education. At that time, I was married to a successful business owner and when I quit working for the schools, we decided that I could take a break from working, be a stay at home mom. My husband's business took a nose dive and I found myself back in the work force. I didn't like office work, never had and things had changed so that now, I needed to have a 2 year degree to continue working in the schools. I didn't have time to earn a degree so I did the only other thing I knew at the time. I started my own business as a housekeeper. I've been doing it ever since but now, I'm branching out into the field of Professional Organizer and staging homes for the real estate market. I love what I do and now that my mom doesn't need me anymore, I'm free to pursue that. Oh! I forgot. I left my husband 5 years ago. That's how my mom ended up living with me. She needed help and I was on my own so, that was that. Outside of messing with drugs and alcohol as a teen and young adult, substance abuse wasn't a problem til I was 36. Seems I remember having a cocktail over dinner with my new husband and the next day I woke up an alcoholic. I went into treatment at the age of 42 and was sober for 2 years when, one day, I took a pain pill for pain in my back. I've not lived a day in 5 years without narcotics in my blood. My father and all of his 7 children are or have been addicted to various substances in their lifetime. I defy anyone to tell me that addiction isn't hereditary...genetic...a disease. So there you have my story. I have 2 of the most fabulous children on the face of the earth but I'll save them for another day. Tell me about you...if you'd like.

~Callie~