I just wanted to do an into type post. I know I've been posting alot here, but no one really knows my story.
Bear with me - this may be long - but maybe it will help someone else see where I'm coming from when I respond to posts.
I met my fiance when we were 21, we're 35 now. He drank, alot, but I didn't read too much into it. I mean, I was 21 and raised in a very strict Christian home, so I was kinda rebelling against everything and it is normal for 21 year olds to drink alot. We partied, had fun. I hadn't ever really done drugs aside from smoke pot which I still don't think is THAT terrible though I don't smoke that because I have kids now. Anyways, he drank alot, didn't really do drugs. Occasionally a few friends did cocaine, I tried a few times, and honestly liked it too much and could see it being an issue if I continued so I stopped.
J (fiance') and I dated on/off for years, he was always in trouble when drinking. I swear, he would call me at 3am to pick him up or his friends called me when he got in a fight and got injured. It was a craziness that I wasn't used to. I worked 8 to 5, had a normal job, a normal life, my family and friends didn't drink/do drugs, so this was a new world. I wanted to protect him, I saw something special in him so I always went to his rescue.
About a year or so into things, he got arrested for drunk driving. His friend and him stole a car from his friend's dad's car dealership and J was driving drunk, crashed into someone, kept going then crashed the car, left his friend in the car in a ditch and was found in someone's back yard - naked.... he went to prison for that one, 2 to 10 years. He got out in 14 months. While he was gone, I still was there - wrote, visited, sent money. He got home and went back to drinking. Only this time his mom wouldn't tolerate it and kicked him out. He went to live with his alcoholic dad who literally was living in a mobile home parked in someone's yard - yanno home on wheels, the one you drive and travel with, not live in. I still stayed - his life turned into being drunk 24/7 with his dad and step mom. It was nuts. Eventually his dad and step-mom got a house, cool. I was still there for him. The house was craziness, drinking nonstop, destruction, fighting. His dad and him had a twisted relationship that often turned violent.
I remember cops were called one night while his dad and him fought. I talked to the cops, promised to get J out of there and move on. However, the next week I took him to his PO and he dropped dirty and his PO had the report on the incident with his dad. He violated parole and was facing 10 years. His PO went easy and recommended a parole violators program, he went away for 90 days. During the time before he violated, I dealt with drunken fights, he was violent towards me, and even attempted suicide when I tried to leave - he stabbed himself in the neck, 1/4 inch from his juggular. It was a living hell.
So, he comes home from his parole violator program and we moved in together. He quit drinking and things were good. He got 2 jobs, I was working a good job and all was good for us. We had somehow made it through and had a normal life. It was good. No complaints. We eventually bought a house together, had a child, and our life was so good. We were both working, could afford anything we wanted, our child was amazing, we were so happy.
I got pregnant with baby #2 and while pregnant found out that he was taking pills. He promised to quit, it was a screw up, and he'd stop. So, I was naive and believed him. Only to find out when our baby was a year old, when I had a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old that he was using and it was bad. He quit his job because he wanted to get clean and the people at work were supplying pills. I was unemployed at this point, had lost my job. But he promised he'd take 2 weeks, get sober, and then he'd go back to work.
That never happened. When withdrawal got too hard, he begged me to let him buy 20 pills and dose him so he could withdraw comfortably. I agreed, he stole the pills, took them all, and then repeated again. He came home drunk one night, he was violent, I had to call the cops to leave after he lunged at me to get my purse which had his pills in it - all while I had our baby in my arms and the older baby was sleeping in that room. I left, he took every over the counter pill he could take, texted me, I rushed off to check on him (kids were with grandma) and when I got home he was so out of it and sick, had to go get his stomach pumped, go to the psych ward for a week after days in ICU. It was THAT bad.
He came home, went back to the same ol' crap. Only this time his mom went out of town, so he went there and trashed her house. I walked in to what appeared to be the scene of a murder, not knowing where he was or if he were alive. Found him covered in blood (a cut hand from smashing out her cabinet), vomit everywhere, blood all over the walls, her bed, her carpet. I had to call his sister to come help, and that destroyed his relationship with his mom. It's never been the same.
After that, he decided to get help. He went and got on suboxone. The program here, well, it is stupid, they prescribe 30 days of suboxone film and let you take it home. You can get high on it, so lies, secrets, and he used 30 days of suboxone in 1 week. Huge fail. Then he went to rehab, a one week detox, well, that didn't go well. If he refused suboxone, they wouldn't do anything for him but let him detox there and suffer. So, he walked out after two days. Lovely huh?
Throughout all of this, our finances were awful. Mind you I was unemployed, I was getting $800/month for unemployment. How could I work if he wasn't able to take care of the kids? His mom had helped financially but after he trashed her house, she cut him off. So, we were screwed.
Finally, I got a job and told him, it was now or never, I couldn't get help from the state with daycare with him here and I HAD to work, I was offered a job with a good company here that was full time, what we needed. So, he tried withdrawal on his own while I was at work, but that didn't go good again. He finally decided to go on methadone.
Over 4 years later, that hell is just a memory. He's now withdrawn from the methadone and has been off of it for 36 or 37 days now. He's on zoloft for anxiety and depression and his doctor prescribed ativan. I have to say, no matter how long it's been, he is still an addict and still wants a quick fix with everything. He still, when sick wants an easy fix - medicine to work NOW and he doesn't understand, that's not how life works. He has to fight hard every single day to keep himself in check.... and it is hard. Even when he got his ativan, he took too much day 1 and was so sick, it helped him realize, crap, I can't do that anymore. I can't take 5 mg of ativan like I used to because my body can't handle it.
It's ALWAYS going to be a battle. Only now, I realize it's a battle that affects us, yes, but it is not MY battle. It is NOT my addiction to manage. I have 2 boys (special needs - one with autism, one with ADHD) that I have to take care of. I can't take care of him and manage his addiction, that's up to him. Now, he's taking steps to stay clean and I'm proud of him for that, but I will never forget what life was like. I won't ever allow myself or our kids to go through that again. First sign of drug or alcohol abuse, I will leave with my kids because they can't be subjected to that life, they can't go through that.
So when I say, leave, go, run... it's because I've been there. I have enabled, I have believed the lies, and been naive to what was really going on. It's because I've lived through a hell no one should ever have to endure. I won't go back there. J will never be recovered, his addiction will always be there. He will always have to go to his therapist and work through issues and keep himself on a good path so he can stay clean. He has chose not to do AA or NA meetings and that's OK, therapy is what works better for him, but as long as he's working on himself and doing what he needs to to stay clean, I'll be here. I won't accept relapses, because when he feels he wants to use, I expect him to confide in me, a friend, or his therapist and work through it and learn coping skills to get through. A relapse can be deadly for him and can destroy our lives.
I will always have a fear that when things are too good, they are about to fall apart. I can't help that. But honesty between us has helped, we've developed rules for us - lies aren't OK, if you're feeling sad/mad/depressed you talk to each other, no secrets, secrets destroy and we want to set a good example for our kids of a loving relationship because neither of us had great examples of that growing up.
I can't be sure I've made the best choices when it comes to J's addiction... I know I've enabled in the past and I intend to not do that again. Our life hasn't been easy and honestly, I'm aware that things don't always work out good for most people. But if my experience can help anyone, if I can help anyone with advice or insight from where I've been, then I'm all for it.
Sorry this is so long... just wanted to take a minute to share my story so if someone sees me posting around here, they'll know where I'm coming from ;)
Hi there,
I'm sorry for what has happened to you but I'm glad that J is recovering and choosing a better life for himself. My bf started using Subs heavily since February. He has an appointment to help wean him off of them. I try talking to him so I can get a better perspective of what he is going through and he just shuts me out. He just tells me it will be over soon. I know he's just saying it to quiet me and I let it be because I know nothing is truly certain. It hurts me that I can't help him and I wanted to know if you had any advice. I gave him a month to straighten up but I need to know what to do in that month. How can I get him to realize I'm here for him? I tried to ask what makes him want to do this and he doesn't want to talk to me which would be fine if he was talking to someone else about it (like a counselor) but he isn't.
I'm sorry for what has happened to you but I'm glad that J is recovering and choosing a better life for himself. My bf started using Subs heavily since February. He has an appointment to help wean him off of them. I try talking to him so I can get a better perspective of what he is going through and he just shuts me out. He just tells me it will be over soon. I know he's just saying it to quiet me and I let it be because I know nothing is truly certain. It hurts me that I can't help him and I wanted to know if you had any advice. I gave him a month to straighten up but I need to know what to do in that month. How can I get him to realize I'm here for him? I tried to ask what makes him want to do this and he doesn't want to talk to me which would be fine if he was talking to someone else about it (like a counselor) but he isn't.
