I take xanax, recommended both by my phsycian and psychatrist. They dont view it as alright to take it, they view it as necessary. For the benefit of my mind, social skills, and the biggest reason, diagnosed anxiety disorder. I didnt ask for it, I never even seeked it. They recommended it, prescribed it, and I have been doing well on it. And they know i'm recovering from vicodin. They know the drill.
Next month, instead of bi-weekly visitis, my psychiatrist and I are doing monthly visits. The physician she recommended, when I went for a physical(where opiates were disclosed, and discovered) concluded I had an anxiety disorder. I used to stammer in front of clients(even with the vicodin), I had trouble concentrating on my business and the people who work for me. The xanax worked. They told me it was a possiblility I can take it short term, but I'm not one of those people. I fiancee, who is a family therapist with a graduate degree in psychology knows im on xanax, and she said I have dramatically changed for the best. There was a short time I thought I had parkinson's 5 years ago. (lots of moving around and hands shaking.) But it turned out I had an anxieity disorder, and my only regret was not seeing a psychiatrist before starting the vicodin.
But now it has been 2 weeks since I touched an opiate of any kind, and some indivdidual tells me he'll give me the ok when I'm off xanax and my weekend enjoyment of Bailey's. Plus I have been to a meeting.
2 weeks ago tonight I l flushed 400+ pills down the toilet
11 days ago I was on my couch, and could barely get up. I had to take some time off of work. My legs hurt so bad I wanted to chop them off. I kept the phone near me in case and was scared to death of getting a seizure from vicodin withdrawal. I had no appetite and could barely walk to the kitchen. I forced myself to drink bottle after bottle of water. I found soymilk as another way to get nutriients into my body. I forced vitamins down my throat. I told my dealer to f*** off and have not heard from him since.
Fast forward today, I played softball and we won because of a double I hit. Ihad a banana/blueburry smoothie to celebrate, came home..had a mochachino when i got home to work on some stuff, (with breaks to post here) and now I'm going to watch the sopranos.
I gave up vicodin to take control of my life and get it back. I feel better today than any high I have ever gotten. Especially after that meeting.
I'm sorry, but I dont need any one individual's "ok" because my 2 medical professionials agreed that, as of right now anyway, xanax is a necessity, not an option. Or if I had a bailey's mint or 2 on a saturday. Thats the life I had before vicodin, and its part of the life I have after it.
2 weeks ago(well it was about 1am or so) I flushed 400 yellow pills down the toilet, and threw out every single poppy pod I had. I experienced pain, recovery(from pain), friends(from here and the meeting) and I feel amazing. So today I celebrate my accomplishment. I look forward to day 15 tomorrow, and each day after that.
"Every day sober is a celebration" - it was hanging on the meeting wall. Right now I will celebrate with a piece of caramel chocolate cake that we picked up at the bakery today, and a glass of Vanalla soy Milk.
And to the person who's approval I think I need, yes continue to offer advice. And as I always have(a novice, I know) I have always said seek advice from a medical professional. Someone could just quit xanax and sieze, based on one person's advice.
I apologize about venting here, but I had a great day today, and despite the nor easter we are having here, looking forward to day 15 tomorrow. Take care and God Bless. - Chris
| QUOTE |
| I'm sorry, but I dont need any one individual's "ok" because my 2 medical professionials agreed that, as of right now anyway, xanax is a necessity, not an option. Or if I had a bailey's mint or 2 on a saturday. Thats the life I had before vicodin, and its part of the life I have after it. |
Chris,medical professional approved a lot of drugs I was eating.Maybe at some juncture giving them so much power in your life won't be necessary.
I also undersatnd you not wanting to give up alcohol.When I went into the program I thought I could selectively give up the drugs that I only was abusing at that time . It doesn't work like that for an addict.It's not the drugs anyway.It's all about the reasons why you abused in the first place.
I'm not writing this to start a debate.You will do what you want to and call it what you want to.I did.
From your story I can come to the conclusion that you are an addict.There was nothing normal in it.You were abusing opiates to escape life.If those are not around,you will eventually pick something else.
Going to one meeting is not enough.I would keep going back,get a sponsor and start working the twelve steps.That's where the real life changes will occur.Once that happens,you won't need Xanax,Bailys or anything else.
I had reached a point in my life where not only was I humbled but I was finally willing to listen to others.I didn't have the answers.Maybe you're not there yet.It's o.k.
I didn't get it the first 100 times.It takes what it takes.
Good Luck
Chris,
First of all I want to say a big congratulations on 2 weeks. I am on day 18 so I am right there with you. It feels great doesn't it? I'm not here to say I don't think your clean time counts or not, I certainly don't have enough time or experience to give my opinion on that. However, I just wanted to tell you about my experience with xanax. I never really even knew what xanax was until I went into rehab. I was coming off a fairly low amount of pain pills and my pyschiatrist, who knew me long before I was addicted to pills, out me on 3mg a day of xanax. It never occurred to me to question that. I definitly have anxiety disorder and that is part of why I started abusing pain pills. So over the past 3 years I took my xanax. I didn't even take 3mg a day. Mostly I would take 1mg or 2mg a day. I became physically dependent on it and had to quit. It made my w/d this time soooo much harder. I'm still not over it, but I am feeling better. All I'm saying is be very careful with the xanax. It sounds like you're doing so good. I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds, I just wanted to share with you.
Shelly
First of all I want to say a big congratulations on 2 weeks. I am on day 18 so I am right there with you. It feels great doesn't it? I'm not here to say I don't think your clean time counts or not, I certainly don't have enough time or experience to give my opinion on that. However, I just wanted to tell you about my experience with xanax. I never really even knew what xanax was until I went into rehab. I was coming off a fairly low amount of pain pills and my pyschiatrist, who knew me long before I was addicted to pills, out me on 3mg a day of xanax. It never occurred to me to question that. I definitly have anxiety disorder and that is part of why I started abusing pain pills. So over the past 3 years I took my xanax. I didn't even take 3mg a day. Mostly I would take 1mg or 2mg a day. I became physically dependent on it and had to quit. It made my w/d this time soooo much harder. I'm still not over it, but I am feeling better. All I'm saying is be very careful with the xanax. It sounds like you're doing so good. I hope I'm not over stepping my bounds, I just wanted to share with you.
Shelly
Chris, you seem smart enough to know as this juncture, what works and what doesn't. Never stop learning or listening.... stay the course. Anyone who can toss that amount of pills needs to be commended.
You are not the only person on this board that talks of using medications. So don't feel badly about that.
Some people on here are trying to be helpful, just take what you need and leave the rest. Listen, learn, but live your life as you deem fit. Not what someone else deems fit for you.
You may want to ask your doctor if you do need to be on a benzo would a long acting one be better for you. Or as SP pointed out there are AD that may help as well. Print out information you have seen on this board and elsewhere and have them give you feedback on what you have learned.
Become very informed and educated about all meds that you take. Be proactive. Know the risks, sometimes they out way the benefits, so look at other options.
You are not the only person on this board that talks of using medications. So don't feel badly about that.
Some people on here are trying to be helpful, just take what you need and leave the rest. Listen, learn, but live your life as you deem fit. Not what someone else deems fit for you.
You may want to ask your doctor if you do need to be on a benzo would a long acting one be better for you. Or as SP pointed out there are AD that may help as well. Print out information you have seen on this board and elsewhere and have them give you feedback on what you have learned.
Become very informed and educated about all meds that you take. Be proactive. Know the risks, sometimes they out way the benefits, so look at other options.
chris
i have suffered with panic anxiety order for YEARS, it has robbed 40 some yrs of my life. i presently am in a state of bad anxiety as we speak, believe me, i can relate.
sure i have done all the benzo's as well and they do help you relax in the begining, then tolerance builds up as it does with any drug, our bodies seem to know when its "tired" of that dosage and then it sends clues to want more.
i am in no way trying to give you a hard time about what i am about to say next but chris LISTEN!! these people are right in what they are posting back to you, they are giving you the answers but our disease of addiction is defending and denying! i was there too chris feeling like you feel defending what i thought was right until the pain got so bad i will do ANYTHING! so i listened to the people who have been there before me and listen to answers. i need their s.o.s! i ending up in a hospital room connected to a morphine pump, numbing myself and escaping the world, last week i lay in a emergency room headed down death's path and i was deemed a hopeless addict/nutcase as i was in a full blown panic/anxiety attack for which "normies" don't understand.
i have been clean from vicodin for 9 mos, went thru those awful wd's too so i can totally relate to your symptoms. i am doing remarkably well this time, i attend NA, have a sponsor, work the steps just as was suggested to you and it works if you work it!
this past Christmas and New years eve was truly a trigger for me, holiday stress and memories of how i was high during the hoiday deorating the tree etc triggered my need to want to use. but i ignored the cravings,as has been stated here before THEY DO PASS if you wait it out. man i wanted to use so bad and on new years eve i wanted my annual glass of champagne to celebrate the new year, alcohol is not my doc at all so i only consumed alcohol on new years eve or an occasional party or a nice restaurant, 2 drinks were always my limit as anymore will send me vomiting all night and i was like who wants that?
so i tried to bargain with my sponsor, come on i told her one is not gonna hurt, i wanted to do one alcohol and one drug. not an opiate for which i lost it once i got hooked on that.
she was like NO! DONT DO IT! I was moaning why??? because it will put your mindset back into addictive thinking, i thought about it, true my brain has had a chance to heal, it doesnt think about how am i gonna get more and when can i take the next one etc. and i decided to forego it and glad that i did, i have worked WAY TOO HARD and SUFFERED way too much to get where i am today and that 2 hour buzz is not worth months of sobriety. so chris there is another way to handle all yoursymptoms of anxiety that prevent you from doing your job and such. there are even classes, tapes, cd's, mediation, yoga and most importantly is breathing techniques to stop an anxiety attack dead in its tracks! as addicts we want that easy fix, just take a pill! am i right? you know that i am.
i am trying so hard to stay clean that if you read other posts of mine you will read about a terrible endoscopy i endured because i thought i was protecting my recovery.
another thing when i look at the picture of you cute fiance i feel so bad if she were to find out you were not honest with her, chris i know how emmotional women are when it comes to their man. i think she might be devastated, more so as time goes on and you enter marriage that you were not open with her about addiction, that is not a small something to just "not mention" it is huge and could play havoc on your upcoming marriage.i know if it were me i would be upset as follows:
1. he lied to me
2. he didnt feel he could trust me by telling me
3. can i trust him now?
4. it changes how i feel about him now.
5. why didnt he share that with me why? i cant believe he flushed all those pills and had all those pills in his possesion and i didnt even know!!!!
just some food for thought chris...
my marriage WAS so important to me and i have remained honest and faithful and kept my marriage bed clean for 27 yrs. but i wish i could say the same for my spouse but i cant.
now i am left hurt, older, in so much pain and its bad enough i am struggling with my disease of addiction and diabetes and digestive problems and now i have to find a strategy to leave my home and get out of this abuse!
one day at a time julie one problem at a time.
you wouldnt believe how people attacked me verbally in rehab for issues i am still struggling with to believe.
i do want to commend you on a job well done of detoxing yourself and having such a positive attitude about it, i was so miserable during detox i was like a grizzly bear!
remember this slogan as the others you will hear in the NA program: honesty, openmindedness and willingness! so many times i have wantedo fib about drugs in my recovery, i had to FORCE myself to be honest and guess what? you get a reward mentally when you are honest, with ever reward i get i collect all them mentally and its so good to fill my head with something good instead of all the darkness i have/had in my head.
i think i need to take a break from the forum as i have substituted one addiction for the other, when i my kids remind me, mom! get off the computer! i 'm like in the hugest denial about it, i say it's recovery, it's a good thing! but this good thing has me distracted from other things that need to be done.
i love to come here, i miss it if i am gone for more than i day, then i worry i wont be caught up with all the posts.... i have to put it in a better perspective. lol!
hang in there Chris! just for today! peace and God bless you ! jewels
i have suffered with panic anxiety order for YEARS, it has robbed 40 some yrs of my life. i presently am in a state of bad anxiety as we speak, believe me, i can relate.
sure i have done all the benzo's as well and they do help you relax in the begining, then tolerance builds up as it does with any drug, our bodies seem to know when its "tired" of that dosage and then it sends clues to want more.
i am in no way trying to give you a hard time about what i am about to say next but chris LISTEN!! these people are right in what they are posting back to you, they are giving you the answers but our disease of addiction is defending and denying! i was there too chris feeling like you feel defending what i thought was right until the pain got so bad i will do ANYTHING! so i listened to the people who have been there before me and listen to answers. i need their s.o.s! i ending up in a hospital room connected to a morphine pump, numbing myself and escaping the world, last week i lay in a emergency room headed down death's path and i was deemed a hopeless addict/nutcase as i was in a full blown panic/anxiety attack for which "normies" don't understand.
i have been clean from vicodin for 9 mos, went thru those awful wd's too so i can totally relate to your symptoms. i am doing remarkably well this time, i attend NA, have a sponsor, work the steps just as was suggested to you and it works if you work it!
this past Christmas and New years eve was truly a trigger for me, holiday stress and memories of how i was high during the hoiday deorating the tree etc triggered my need to want to use. but i ignored the cravings,as has been stated here before THEY DO PASS if you wait it out. man i wanted to use so bad and on new years eve i wanted my annual glass of champagne to celebrate the new year, alcohol is not my doc at all so i only consumed alcohol on new years eve or an occasional party or a nice restaurant, 2 drinks were always my limit as anymore will send me vomiting all night and i was like who wants that?
so i tried to bargain with my sponsor, come on i told her one is not gonna hurt, i wanted to do one alcohol and one drug. not an opiate for which i lost it once i got hooked on that.
she was like NO! DONT DO IT! I was moaning why??? because it will put your mindset back into addictive thinking, i thought about it, true my brain has had a chance to heal, it doesnt think about how am i gonna get more and when can i take the next one etc. and i decided to forego it and glad that i did, i have worked WAY TOO HARD and SUFFERED way too much to get where i am today and that 2 hour buzz is not worth months of sobriety. so chris there is another way to handle all yoursymptoms of anxiety that prevent you from doing your job and such. there are even classes, tapes, cd's, mediation, yoga and most importantly is breathing techniques to stop an anxiety attack dead in its tracks! as addicts we want that easy fix, just take a pill! am i right? you know that i am.
i am trying so hard to stay clean that if you read other posts of mine you will read about a terrible endoscopy i endured because i thought i was protecting my recovery.
another thing when i look at the picture of you cute fiance i feel so bad if she were to find out you were not honest with her, chris i know how emmotional women are when it comes to their man. i think she might be devastated, more so as time goes on and you enter marriage that you were not open with her about addiction, that is not a small something to just "not mention" it is huge and could play havoc on your upcoming marriage.i know if it were me i would be upset as follows:
1. he lied to me
2. he didnt feel he could trust me by telling me
3. can i trust him now?
4. it changes how i feel about him now.
5. why didnt he share that with me why? i cant believe he flushed all those pills and had all those pills in his possesion and i didnt even know!!!!
just some food for thought chris...
my marriage WAS so important to me and i have remained honest and faithful and kept my marriage bed clean for 27 yrs. but i wish i could say the same for my spouse but i cant.
now i am left hurt, older, in so much pain and its bad enough i am struggling with my disease of addiction and diabetes and digestive problems and now i have to find a strategy to leave my home and get out of this abuse!
one day at a time julie one problem at a time.
you wouldnt believe how people attacked me verbally in rehab for issues i am still struggling with to believe.
i do want to commend you on a job well done of detoxing yourself and having such a positive attitude about it, i was so miserable during detox i was like a grizzly bear!
remember this slogan as the others you will hear in the NA program: honesty, openmindedness and willingness! so many times i have wantedo fib about drugs in my recovery, i had to FORCE myself to be honest and guess what? you get a reward mentally when you are honest, with ever reward i get i collect all them mentally and its so good to fill my head with something good instead of all the darkness i have/had in my head.
i think i need to take a break from the forum as i have substituted one addiction for the other, when i my kids remind me, mom! get off the computer! i 'm like in the hugest denial about it, i say it's recovery, it's a good thing! but this good thing has me distracted from other things that need to be done.
i love to come here, i miss it if i am gone for more than i day, then i worry i wont be caught up with all the posts.... i have to put it in a better perspective. lol!
hang in there Chris! just for today! peace and God bless you ! jewels
Chris...you flushed 400 pills? I am in awe. That took a tremendous amount of gumption. I'm proud of you. I agree with what Tim said, my drs also thought that I "needed" pain meds. They also knew how much I was taking and didn't think it was a problem. In fact, they continued to prescribe them to me after I got out of treatment. I know, huh? It was nuts. Sometimes Dr's don't know what's best, they just know that there's better living through chemistry and I'm here to tell you there's not. It's how they've been trained. Prescribe drugs, get kickbacks. I like being completely drug and alcohol free, but that's just me. Of course, some people have to take meds like that and I'm not saying you don't. I'm just saying that maybe it would be a good idea to talk to them about other alternatives. Mood changing, mood enhancing drugs aren't for you anymore. Us addicts don't get that luxurery anymore. When's the next meeting? I thought I read somewhere that it was tomorrow? Have a good night!
bump for chris
Bump for me? I',m honored... - Chris
