I had 4 days comin into today. The longest sober streak for, jeeze, i dont even know how long, maybe couple years. Today was a great day. I have gotten more things done in these last 4 sober days than i have in 2 months. I went and saw my grandfather today, whom i used to see twice a week before my last horrible binge. We are really close and share so many commonalities it is scary. He is 87 and getting frail, so i absolutely relish every minute i have with him, which has made the last 2 months all the more guilt-ridden, because i pissed away at least 40 visits with my grandfather.
Anyways, the thing with me and my grandfather is literature/poetry. We used to trade poems for revision back when i wasnt so drunk. Today, he suggested we co-author a book of poems, independently printed of course (we are not poet laureates)...We are going to peddle it once it is published to local bookstores that will have it. I dont know, this is just the most amazing thing, it is just the coolest to be honest. I mean, who gets to have that kind of relationship with their grandfather?
I drank tonight, i dont even know why...i went to a meeting. Just stupid, and at the same time the best thing for me...Really getting to the point where drinking is so close to disgusting that its getting harder to drink..i know that is a trite and such, but Im really disapointed in myself tonight, but i have a daily repreive, and i just have to start over..
I have been firm in the belief that i accepted the 1st step..i havnt. I had 4 days sober, then i remember thinking earlier today- If I can go 4 days without drinking, then I'm not an alcoholic.... that was the seed that festered into more complex excuses, and by 9pm, it crested over the levee so to speak...Tonight has proven more to me than than being jailed or hospitalized...thanks for listening...
Dodsworth
Hey there Dodsworth. I am glad to know you went 4 days without drinking. Don't beat yourself up over your drinking tonight. Just pick yourself up and continue on.One defeat does not mean a final defeat. There are many battles before a war is won. You are trying and I give you an A for that. You are making progress which is great. Have faith in yourself for someday you will conquer this thing. We all have wondered at some point if we are true alcoholics or not especially after we stop drinking for a while. You have to try and remember that this is the disease talking to you. It's a disease that tells us we dont have one. you did great with the 4 days ,now tell yourself that this time you are gonna beat your record and do more than 4 . Everytime you take a drink you are giving YOUR power over to alcohol. You are worth more than that. Are you willing to let a bottle of liquid run your life,steal your show ,kill your spirit and destroy your body.? Thats the insanity of what we do tho because we are willing to let all that happen to us just so we can stay drunk. Try your best to break free from this monster because if not, it will own you and will dwell in your mind and body and will leave you only upon your death. The solution is a simple one but one that requires courage and strength and willpower.. All we have to do to be free is not take that FIRST drink. This can be done one day at a time,one hour at a time. whatever it takes all we have to do is NOT take that first drink. I think it is great that you visited your grandfather and that you plan on writing a book of poetry. I love reading and I would love to have a book of your poems. I bet they will be just wonderful. Next time you feel like reaching for a drink. reach instead for pen and paper and put your feelings on paper in a poem for your book. You never know ,might be the poem that will make you famous. Good luck Dodsworth and take care and I wish you all the best. and I am so glad to see you post again. (((((( ))))))
Dods,
Sounds like you are finally getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. Good luck to you.
Sounds like you are finally getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. Good luck to you.
If I can go 4 days without drinking, then I'm not an alcoholic....
I had to laugh at that one. I used to tell myself that all the time. I was a binge drinker so I didn't drink every day but when I drank look out. I never knew what I was going to do or where I was going to end up. I would drink on weekends even when I didn't want to and never knew why. I would do something extremely stupid while drinking beer so I would switch to wine thinking that would help. One time drinking gin I tried to kick a cop in his hoohas so my solution was to not drink gin. I never once entertained the thought that it might be alcohol, period. The Big Book tells us if we think we are not alcoholic to try having just 2 drinks a night and see how long that works. I guess non alkies can have just 2 and stop. I wouldn't know. I never could.
Keep going to meetings and keep trying to not drink one day at a time. That's all we all have is just today. When the time comes for you to stop, you will. Just keep trying.
I had to laugh at that one. I used to tell myself that all the time. I was a binge drinker so I didn't drink every day but when I drank look out. I never knew what I was going to do or where I was going to end up. I would drink on weekends even when I didn't want to and never knew why. I would do something extremely stupid while drinking beer so I would switch to wine thinking that would help. One time drinking gin I tried to kick a cop in his hoohas so my solution was to not drink gin. I never once entertained the thought that it might be alcohol, period. The Big Book tells us if we think we are not alcoholic to try having just 2 drinks a night and see how long that works. I guess non alkies can have just 2 and stop. I wouldn't know. I never could.
Keep going to meetings and keep trying to not drink one day at a time. That's all we all have is just today. When the time comes for you to stop, you will. Just keep trying.
Kat! Effing hilarious! I threw up on tequila, so THAT was out. Broke out in handcuffs when Jack Daniels came to town so THAT was out. Had HORRID headaches on white wine, so THAT was out. Various types of beer, etc., were off limits 'cause they made me sick...
| QUOTE |
| "I didn't always have problems when I was drinking, but whenever there WERE 'issues,' it seems there was alcohol involved..." Anon |
Dodsworth...I concur...sounds like you are starting to get sick and tired of getting sick and tired. I remember finding myself AGAIN laying in bed on a January night pondering how come I let a substance have such control over me. I was so sick and tired of being controlled by a damn liquid! So I'd go a few days and then drink again with the end result always being the same...I hated myself and wanted to stop the spin cycle...round and round, squeezing out my life force, my spirit, my HP, my desire to live. So I came back on this site, told on myself about still drinking, and now I just don't pick up the first drink.
Ironically, night before last I posted that I haven't entertained the thought of drinking in quite awhile. My HP sure keeps me humble. Yesterday was the first day in awhile that the notion of a beer stayed in my head for a few minutes. I was walking at the park when I felt like I needed and sure wanted to be completely numb (via alcohol). I continued walking and beating myself up and then I saw a little boy...gosh, even typing it now brings back the tears. A blonde little boy walking with a mini-walker (like the ones the elderly use) and his legs tied in a fashion to keep them angeled correctly and he was crying. He looked up at me.I could feel his pain, his frustration. I was suddenly consumed by such sorrow for this child followed by a bit more clarity and much gratitude..I have the ability to walk and without assistance. Seeing this child brought things in perspective. A beer didn't sound too good afterwards.
My thoughts are with you, Dodsworth.
Ironically, night before last I posted that I haven't entertained the thought of drinking in quite awhile. My HP sure keeps me humble. Yesterday was the first day in awhile that the notion of a beer stayed in my head for a few minutes. I was walking at the park when I felt like I needed and sure wanted to be completely numb (via alcohol). I continued walking and beating myself up and then I saw a little boy...gosh, even typing it now brings back the tears. A blonde little boy walking with a mini-walker (like the ones the elderly use) and his legs tied in a fashion to keep them angeled correctly and he was crying. He looked up at me.I could feel his pain, his frustration. I was suddenly consumed by such sorrow for this child followed by a bit more clarity and much gratitude..I have the ability to walk and without assistance. Seeing this child brought things in perspective. A beer didn't sound too good afterwards.
My thoughts are with you, Dodsworth.
I lost track how many times I'd make it through most the day without drinking and then I'd cave. Looking back I can see all the bits and pieces of progress I'd made. Sober for few days, then it would be ten days, then 20, then back to just a few days, or no days. Then I'd start again towards recovery. There were so many times I drank for no apparent reason too. It just happened. Then I'd tell myself I made it all day, why start now. It has worked. Along with other things. You just have to not drink one day at a time. A huge turning point for me. This and many other things can work for you too. As they have for millions of others.
Cookster wrote one time, that when you start looking for more ways to stay sober, instead of being drunk, is when it starts to become effective and lasting. Someone else said when the pain of being drunk is more painful then the pain of getting sober is, a person will be more willing to work towards recovery.
Step one was the hardest for me. I didn't want to admit defeat. The problem with not being able to surrender and admit defeat was it could have been my last stop. I still at almost 7 months sober find that it tries to wiggle it's way back into my head at times. I now want sobriety more than the booze. I've learned skills in various places to help me learn to live life on life's terms. Not only am I a happier person, my mind is working a whole lot better. I can now see most of the time the difference in my abilities. I still sometimes at the beginning of meetings feel uncomfortable. It quickly dissipates. I'm such a loner. Although we come from different back grounds. A people who'd not normally mix in many cases, we have this one thing in common. Helping each other to stay sober just for today.
I've cried over my Grandma's grave, my Nana. I'm happy my Grandpa didn't see me the way I was. I missed my Grandma's 90th birthday, because I was to drunk to go. I hope for you and your Grandpa many happy times together. I hope you will continue your recovery journey and the two of you will write a book of poems together. It is not to late Dodsworth. You can do this! Let the desire of who your meant to be, become stronger than who you really aren't.
I'm happy to see a post from you. You are welcomed and wanted.
God Bless You
Cookster wrote one time, that when you start looking for more ways to stay sober, instead of being drunk, is when it starts to become effective and lasting. Someone else said when the pain of being drunk is more painful then the pain of getting sober is, a person will be more willing to work towards recovery.
Step one was the hardest for me. I didn't want to admit defeat. The problem with not being able to surrender and admit defeat was it could have been my last stop. I still at almost 7 months sober find that it tries to wiggle it's way back into my head at times. I now want sobriety more than the booze. I've learned skills in various places to help me learn to live life on life's terms. Not only am I a happier person, my mind is working a whole lot better. I can now see most of the time the difference in my abilities. I still sometimes at the beginning of meetings feel uncomfortable. It quickly dissipates. I'm such a loner. Although we come from different back grounds. A people who'd not normally mix in many cases, we have this one thing in common. Helping each other to stay sober just for today.
I've cried over my Grandma's grave, my Nana. I'm happy my Grandpa didn't see me the way I was. I missed my Grandma's 90th birthday, because I was to drunk to go. I hope for you and your Grandpa many happy times together. I hope you will continue your recovery journey and the two of you will write a book of poems together. It is not to late Dodsworth. You can do this! Let the desire of who your meant to be, become stronger than who you really aren't.
I'm happy to see a post from you. You are welcomed and wanted.
God Bless You
pirate- thank you...I'll send you a copy when it's made ;)
12stepper- ha, i know, that is the twisted thinking that comes with being an alcoholic: I'm not a drunk because......Thanks for reading and posting
12stepper- ha, i know, that is the twisted thinking that comes with being an alcoholic: I'm not a drunk because......Thanks for reading and posting
zipper- Poor kid! Yeah, I am sooo fortunate for soo many reasons (other than being stupid/alcoholic)...nice to have perspective. TY
lookinup- Even in those 4 short sober days (they felt long tho), I had glimpses of who i used to be, especially visiting with gramps. I feverishly want to be who i can, not who i have chosen to be of late. TY
Dodsworth
lookinup- Even in those 4 short sober days (they felt long tho), I had glimpses of who i used to be, especially visiting with gramps. I feverishly want to be who i can, not who i have chosen to be of late. TY
Dodsworth
Good job Adam on the 4 days....I too remember getting on and off the merry-go-round so many times and like Chris shared, I came to a jumping off point and I wanted more than anything to stay sober, not just get sober, but stay sober and I finally asked my HP, God for help to stay sober and I was open and willing enough to see the path he opened up for me.....
Keep going back, let others help you and just be honest and you are well on your way. Thanks for sharing, you've helped me today and I am grateful that you had those few days of clarity.....
xoxo
Stacey
Keep going back, let others help you and just be honest and you are well on your way. Thanks for sharing, you've helped me today and I am grateful that you had those few days of clarity.....
xoxo
Stacey
Thanks 24Gordon..
Gidday Dodsworth
Youre Granpa is a pretty clever man and his 87 years of poetry material will be awesome, combine that with the poetry of an addict and you both are on a winner and the four days is a taste of things to come ...one day at a time.
Meetings in a sense are a lot like poetry as it is about getting what is in the head out and heard and sometimes this makes sense to everyone and other times only the speaker knows the true meaning, as long as whatever is hidden is aired the healing is immense....good on youre Grandad
light and love Zac
Youre Granpa is a pretty clever man and his 87 years of poetry material will be awesome, combine that with the poetry of an addict and you both are on a winner and the four days is a taste of things to come ...one day at a time.
Meetings in a sense are a lot like poetry as it is about getting what is in the head out and heard and sometimes this makes sense to everyone and other times only the speaker knows the true meaning, as long as whatever is hidden is aired the healing is immense....good on youre Grandad
light and love Zac
zac- I like the simile with poetry and meetings! Yeah, gramps is certainly wise and it comes through in his work.
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
Hey Dodsworth I wish you a good day,I wish you smiles and laughter,I wish you sunshine and peace. I wish you a Sober weekend. (((( ))))
Hey pirate! Thanks..you too! I'm gonna write all weekend to occupy my crazy head ;)
Dodsworth
Dodsworth
hey dodsworth.writing is a great way to express our feelings and release our emotions. Sure beats getting wasted lol. Have fun ! ((((( )))))
