Our son is now 26 years old and we have been fighting the demon of drugs and drink for over 12 years now. Together my husband and myself are strong, but that was not always the case. We are tired, sad, confused, lost, frustrated, angry and feel totally helpless. Our son lives alone in a flat that he used to pay the mortgage on when he worked (and he did work hard) before he lost his job. He had a partner and has 2 small children whom we and he do not see any more. He is on benefits and at present spends it all on drugs and then rings up dad and I for money to buy food. We dont give him any and then he rings us crying down the phone saying he is starving to death. He has nothing in his flat as he has sold everything except his bed. We tell him we love him but we just get abuse and swearing or lies lies lies. We pay his mortgage as dad will not see him without a roof over his head. We cant have him living with us as we have tried it before and he stole our things and sold them and he phyically abused us. We went to Al-anon and it was helpful. We wont give him food or money as that means we are enabling him to continue his habit (and I know paying his mortgage is too). His nan refuses to stop feeding him or giving him odd bags of food so this has caused a rift between me and my mother. What dad and I are doing (we hope) is trying to make him choose between food or drugs. I dont know if we are right but we are at the end of our tether. We appear to the outside world like we are coping but it is killing us inside. No one wants to see their child in this situation it is enough to send the sanest of people mad. I pray to God every night but either he is a joke or not interested. What else can I do except watch him slowly kill himself and at the same time leave dad and I hollow and helpless
Good luck to you. I am going through something similar with my daughter. It hurts so much to have to say no to her. I am praying she will stay strong & fight her demons
Our son is now 26 years old and we have been fighting the demon of drugs and drink for over 12 years now.
It's not your fight to fight. It's his. You've done this for 12 years and nothing has changed. Maybe you should change and stop paying his mortgage? Let him face the consequences of his own bad choices. If he's homeless, or even the threat of being homeless, maybe he'll wise up.
I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry. No parent should have to watch their child slowly killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. But we can't fix them. Only they can do that when they're ready.
It's not your fight to fight. It's his. You've done this for 12 years and nothing has changed. Maybe you should change and stop paying his mortgage? Let him face the consequences of his own bad choices. If he's homeless, or even the threat of being homeless, maybe he'll wise up.
I know what you're going through and I'm so sorry. No parent should have to watch their child slowly killing themselves with drugs and alcohol. But we can't fix them. Only they can do that when they're ready.
Hi, my daughter has been an addict for about 16 yrs.like your son she had it all. she had a good job, a car, a bought house, a fiance, and a daughter. She has nothing now. I have had her daughter my granddaughter now since she was 3yrs old. We refused to pay her mortgage and let the house go into foreclosure she still lived there 7 years later no one threw her and BF out! I don't get it?? Her ex fiance was on drugs too so now he is an alcoholic and all are on the methadone program, although why I don't know because she is doing crack/cocaine shooting it not snorting it, very dangerous! The last car she had she just totaled it into a tree 2 weeks ago. That one lasted her 1 year. She is 33 and that was her 5th car, they all ended up smashed! She also has 2 OUI's that she has to appear in court for soon and also she has been a bully too! Their all like clones. I feel for you and know what your going through my husband and I are going through the same and for 16 yrs years now! When you read the posts on here it may help you see what you should do and how you are still helping him stay on drugs as long as he has somewhere to stay that's his or yours. I let my daughter stay here 1 night a week but I,m going to stop that if she doesn't follow through by going into rehab. It's like living in a nightmare isn't it? All we can do is hope for better days. If hope was a dollar I'd be a millionaire! Take care. I hope things get better for you. M.
I suggest you get back to Al-Anon and work the program. Trust God.
Addict/alcoholics leave a trail of pain and anguish that effects millions.
NA/AA will help him when he's had enough.
Al-Anon will help you if you work it.
All the best.
Bob R
Addict/alcoholics leave a trail of pain and anguish that effects millions.
NA/AA will help him when he's had enough.
Al-Anon will help you if you work it.
All the best.
Bob R
Once again I would have to say that the best quote I've read on this Forum is...
"The best gift a parent of an addict can give their child is the gift of desperation"
Your paying the mortgage is hardly giving the gift of desperation.
After 12 years I'll bet your continuing to enable her in ways you never imagined.
Are you staying in touch by phone/text? Why are you doing that...for her or for yourself?
And couldn't that be thought of as emotional enabling? Meaning giving her hope that there is always someone there for her?
And where has that gotten you and her?
Yes, I know it's cold to cut her off completely...unless you're up for another 12 years of agony.
"The best gift a parent of an addict can give their child is the gift of desperation"
Your paying the mortgage is hardly giving the gift of desperation.
After 12 years I'll bet your continuing to enable her in ways you never imagined.
Are you staying in touch by phone/text? Why are you doing that...for her or for yourself?
And couldn't that be thought of as emotional enabling? Meaning giving her hope that there is always someone there for her?
And where has that gotten you and her?
Yes, I know it's cold to cut her off completely...unless you're up for another 12 years of agony.
Our son is 29 and has been an addict for about 15 years. We, just like others on here, enabled until just this past year. He lived with someone else for awhile and then spent several months on the streets, then lived in someone's basement until she kicked him out. It was really tough to see him homeless and sleeping in some woods close to my work. I agree with Rich though, one of the best things I've read on here was about giving your child the gift of desperation. They have to hurt so bad that they are ready to grab the hand of recovery that's been there all along. It's all their choice and in turn they have to deal with the consequences (or rewards) of their choices. It hurts because we love them but I believe it's absolutely necessary. Our son finally went to detox last week. It's short term and we still have to see if they find him an inpatient rehab to go to but it's the first step in him making the choice for recovery. It may not work but I'm crossing my fingers. Every day, it will be his choice to use or not use, to work a program or quit a program. It's in his hands. I hope you can have the strength to let your son deal with his own stuff. God bless you.
So sad to read what you all go through, certainly feel your pain.
