Good morning ..
I had been going through a very troubling time over the last week and I thought that I would post it here as it truly speaks to the powerfulness, the patience, and the resilence (sp) of this disease as well as the powerlessness that we the recovering addict alone really has against it...
Let me say for the record, had it not been for my friends in NA, the tools I learned in rehab, and my non-using friends (one in particular) I would not still be sitting here posting to you today still clean and sober with 4+ years...
Most of you dont know that for the last year or so I have taken up the hobby of playing billiards... I play in tournaments and just for fun with friends.. I love it.. I am not all that competitive unless some MAN challenges me then look out...lol.. anyway.. for the most part it is all good .. some times the tournaments take me to sticky places but they are in my area where my friends are and they know my history or in the alternative I always take someone with me... I have never had an interest in alcohol but I have a healthy fear of it also.. so I make sure I am surrounded by friends as a safely net so to speak... well last week I went to a tournament in city where I used to live but I havent really been there for about 4 years and in a place I hadnt been to ... well no one could go with me but my ego was in full swing and I thought like most would have ...'well I have all this time and I can handle it...ect'... so I went alone... All would have been fine except for one thing.. my old sponsor ... well the first temporary one I got out of rehab was there and she was using... not our DOC but something else.. something old that hasnt been around for a long time or so I thought and she was singing its praises... she said it had given her a new outlook on life and on and on... she just wouldnt shut up... I tried to talk to her.. but nothing doin.... it ended up that she said for me to think about triing it and call her in a few days... well she kept going outside and coming back in... I was so destracted that I just had to quit right in the middle of the finals in the middle of my game... I knew if I didnt leave right then,,,,,,, so I just left... not a word to anyone...
Well the wheels were turning and the switch was flipped.... my mind just wouldnt quit... I kept thinking about it... I looked it up on the net... I rationalized that it wasnt my DOC so it wasnt really using... all kinds or bullsh**.... I just knew I was in deep shi**.
Well something finally said.. from deep inside... you got to really fight this or you will lose all you have gained... so I went to my home group meeting... I called my sponsor... I talked my a** off... I journaled about it... I talked to my friend whose not an addict but whose wife was...(she died about 1 month ago) I must say that for the most part my friends handled me in exactly the right way.. some were tough ... some were not so tough...
But this story brings up a few good lessons....
1. Time is not the only indicator of recovery... you still have to be vigilent...this is a cunning enemy...
2. You got to have tools and know that you have to use them....
3. You can not do this alone... if I hadnt had NA and friends .. I know as I sit here I would be using right now... or worse .....
4. When those thoughts come the more time you let them occupy space in your head the closer you come... I spent way too much time trying to figure out why I was having sooo much trouble with this craving instead of just having it and letting it go... by trying to over analyse it I was just keeping it around...
5. I now know first hand how people have 10-20-even 30 years clean relapse.... I now have seen first hand how that can happen....
The decision to use of not was intirely up to me... and I had to work through that myself but not alone... that is the difference and it is important to make that distinction. My friend was so scared for me and when I told him that the worst was over and that I had made my decision ..he was as relived as I was and we both cried.. I realized right then that my using really did matter to others.. I never really got that until just then... It made me feel good...
I have really learned something from this experience....
Hope this made sense.... and hope it will help others...
You have to make a daily conscience thought that you are powerless, you can not use anything, and examine any reservation you might have developed...
God bless us all..
Teresa
You are so brave !!
I for one am very proud of you.
They say once you are an addict always an addict, I believe it.
That's why we should try are hardest not to be in that knida of situations.
You where honest with your friends and you were honest here :-)
Sending lots of love your way ~
I for one am very proud of you.
They say once you are an addict always an addict, I believe it.
That's why we should try are hardest not to be in that knida of situations.
You where honest with your friends and you were honest here :-)
Sending lots of love your way ~
Thanks Teresa! You carry the message so well!
Jim
Jim
Hey Theresa, you still on? Come say hi. Love, Kat
kat am am here.. will be here for a while.. come in when you can...
teresa
teresa
Hey Theresa, MSN is screwy today. I can't get into my own chat. Want to meet me in the new place? Love, Kat
Teresa, thanks for that honest post -- experience is the best teacher (for me at least), and by sharing that experience you sure helped me. I am so glad you didn't succumb to temptation. Boy did the stars align against you that night! . . .pool hall, old sponsor using and telling you its ok, "marginal" drug...... And boy am I curious what that "old" substance was that hasn't been around for a long time. lol M.
LOL M, that curiousity hit me too.
I love playing pool, I'm not good enough to be in any tournaments. I haven't even played in a very long time. Except for on my sons little pool table. lol.
Teresa, that was a good share. How strange it must of been to see your old sponsor out like that. It's true though, can happen to anybody.
Have a great day everyone.
I love playing pool, I'm not good enough to be in any tournaments. I haven't even played in a very long time. Except for on my sons little pool table. lol.
Teresa, that was a good share. How strange it must of been to see your old sponsor out like that. It's true though, can happen to anybody.
Have a great day everyone.
i'm so proud of you. it does take alot to fight the urges. you are a very strong women and i'm glad you used your tools to fight this. hope today goes well for you, many prayers.
love raerae
love raerae
none and liz
the drug was mescline.... I was under the impression that it was an old drug... i didnt ask any questions about it... i spent too much time there anyway....
I gave alot of thought in posting that experience for various reasons but no one is above or immune to this sort of thing...
Please everyone get a plan and know what you are going to do if you are ever hit with a bad situation or craving....
God Bless
Teresa
the drug was mescline.... I was under the impression that it was an old drug... i didnt ask any questions about it... i spent too much time there anyway....
I gave alot of thought in posting that experience for various reasons but no one is above or immune to this sort of thing...
Please everyone get a plan and know what you are going to do if you are ever hit with a bad situation or craving....
God Bless
Teresa
teresa, way to go, and thank you for posting the honesty. The disease will always be there. It does push ups while it is resting.
What was she using? Sounds like coke...
Kerry
What was she using? Sounds like coke...
Kerry
Ooh, I used mescline a few times in my past. That is some heavy duty stuff. I wonder how she thinks life is better on it? Guess it's like all addicts though, no matter what it was we thought life was better. Fell for the lie.
But it's true, That must be an old drug, I haven't heard about it in 20 years.
But it's true, That must be an old drug, I haven't heard about it in 20 years.
I remember going into the cow fields in Hana to look for mushrooms..if that is the same thing, as a registered druggie, I think it is...lol.
I will admit I still have cravings everytime I go there.
That altered my perception, and boy did I laugh.
You get them out of cow sh** and eat them. What was I thinking????
kerry
I will admit I still have cravings everytime I go there.
That altered my perception, and boy did I laugh.
You get them out of cow sh** and eat them. What was I thinking????
kerry
poster's flash back has ended--post has been deleted.
