Briar, that sounds like a great plan, the rehab route. What a great foundation you're giving yourself.
Danielle, your post just plain made my night.
None, what made your night? The fact that I'm going to finally kick this thing?
Or that I finally got my crazy a** over to a shrink???
LOL
Or that I finally got my crazy a** over to a shrink???
LOL
You said "I've decided that today would be the last day that I would be working on my recovery halfway." That made my night. You sound really determined. And I believe you.
As for the psychiatrist, we could probably all benefit. lol
As for the psychiatrist, we could probably all benefit. lol
When I quit in Sept, I quit 100%.... I had a bottle of 200 pills lying around and didn't want them at all.... I think knowing that they were there and that I COULD take them if things got too bad just made my withdrawal easier, because each time I would feel pains, I would think "Ok, this isn't THAT bad...."
But after dental surgery and getting back on them, I keep making excuse after excuse.... I get my husband to take the pills to work w/him, but then I get them from friends.... I admitted to my shrink today that I manipulate people and that was the first time I've ever done that....but I didn't want to have another doctor that would just give me whatever I wanted...
I'm 100lbs... I've abused my liver so much already.... and I know that most of my depression, anxiety, etc is based on these pills. I told my husband tonight that my world has revolved around these pills for soooo long - when I take them, I get worried about my liver or I feel guilty, I constantly check the clock to see when it's time to take more, I'm always worried that I'll be somewhere without them.... It consumes your life....
I just don't want to be a victim any more.... I don't want to have this thing that controls me any more.....
At least I won't be the first model to get sick from drugs in her pictures... LOL....except mine will be from NOT taking them, which probably doesn't happen often...
But after dental surgery and getting back on them, I keep making excuse after excuse.... I get my husband to take the pills to work w/him, but then I get them from friends.... I admitted to my shrink today that I manipulate people and that was the first time I've ever done that....but I didn't want to have another doctor that would just give me whatever I wanted...
I'm 100lbs... I've abused my liver so much already.... and I know that most of my depression, anxiety, etc is based on these pills. I told my husband tonight that my world has revolved around these pills for soooo long - when I take them, I get worried about my liver or I feel guilty, I constantly check the clock to see when it's time to take more, I'm always worried that I'll be somewhere without them.... It consumes your life....
I just don't want to be a victim any more.... I don't want to have this thing that controls me any more.....
At least I won't be the first model to get sick from drugs in her pictures... LOL....except mine will be from NOT taking them, which probably doesn't happen often...
You're right, it's insidious as hell. Keep talking, and talking, and talking -- to your husband, psychiatrist, here, meetings, wherever -- telling on your disease, bringing it out into the light of day. There was a book I remember reading many years ago, "Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me." That kind of applies to my thinking around the pain pills -- I'd been rationalizing, excusing, justifying, hiding, and manipulating for so long, it became my reality. Second nature. Automatic. Last June, I remember admitting to my counselor that I really didn't understand the phrase "Be true to thyself." So needless to say, it will take a while to change this addict's thinking and behavior patterns.....
Dear Danielle,
Your post made my night too. I know its only been three days, but like I said before, the guilt is overwhelming. They're acting fine, but my heart is broken about it and I don't ever want you to feel that way.
So you take your beautiful little self to the shoot tomorrow and knock 'em out! If your half as beautiful as you are on the outside as you are on the inside, you gotta be a real doll!!
Love,
Roseanne
Your post made my night too. I know its only been three days, but like I said before, the guilt is overwhelming. They're acting fine, but my heart is broken about it and I don't ever want you to feel that way.
So you take your beautiful little self to the shoot tomorrow and knock 'em out! If your half as beautiful as you are on the outside as you are on the inside, you gotta be a real doll!!
Love,
Roseanne
Briar, definately go the rehab route if you can afford it and have good backup at home. I did. They make you comfortable but also beat your bottom if you know what I mean. It helped me a lot.
Briar, thanks so much for the complement..... As most of you can probably relate, I don't FEEL beautiful at all any more. Yesterday, the counselor asked why I seemed so uncomfortable when my husband was telling me all of the things he loved about me and I said, "Because I don't deserve it." And I DON'T deserve his love and compassion, but thank God it's there.... I got addicted to pills, knowing how anti-drug he is, I hide things from him, lie to him, I had an affair with a 26yr old..... He has every right to just turn around and walk out that door.
But, thankfully, he's not going to. When the shrink asked him what did he like about me (because, as you all know, I always say that even though he loves me, I don't think he LIKES me), he said my intelligence, my mothering skills, the way that I dream, and what I look like on the outside. This made me start crying because I've question my mothering skills (because of the pills).... and I am SUCH a dreamer.... I make decisions based on my heart.... and he has said so many times "You are not living in reality; you're living in lala land."
Yesterday, he finally admitted that he gets so aggravated when I get in "dream" mode because he CAN'T think like that.... he's jealous that I can see the good in people, that I think there's nothing I can't do, that I think with my heart.... He's so by-the-book and logical and I am so spontaneous....
Wish me luck today.... This is my first photo shoot since my addiction and I'm scared of what I'll look like in print (the "heroin chic" look went out in the 90's... LOL)..... My son is going with me today and will probably get to do a few test shots, so I'll have some cool pictures to send to all of you later.
Briar, how are you feeling today? Have you thought more about what you're going to do? I need to start AA, but I'm soooooo scared of doing that... I know after the first meeting, I'll be fine...... I just have to MAKE myself do this..... Have you decided about rehab? Therapy? How's the pain?
But, thankfully, he's not going to. When the shrink asked him what did he like about me (because, as you all know, I always say that even though he loves me, I don't think he LIKES me), he said my intelligence, my mothering skills, the way that I dream, and what I look like on the outside. This made me start crying because I've question my mothering skills (because of the pills).... and I am SUCH a dreamer.... I make decisions based on my heart.... and he has said so many times "You are not living in reality; you're living in lala land."
Yesterday, he finally admitted that he gets so aggravated when I get in "dream" mode because he CAN'T think like that.... he's jealous that I can see the good in people, that I think there's nothing I can't do, that I think with my heart.... He's so by-the-book and logical and I am so spontaneous....
Wish me luck today.... This is my first photo shoot since my addiction and I'm scared of what I'll look like in print (the "heroin chic" look went out in the 90's... LOL)..... My son is going with me today and will probably get to do a few test shots, so I'll have some cool pictures to send to all of you later.
Briar, how are you feeling today? Have you thought more about what you're going to do? I need to start AA, but I'm soooooo scared of doing that... I know after the first meeting, I'll be fine...... I just have to MAKE myself do this..... Have you decided about rehab? Therapy? How's the pain?
Good luck with the photo-shoot -- look forward to hearing how it goes. You're right about the first meeting sometimes being the hardest, but I think you'll find it's well worth it. Your husband sounds like a good man...probably has pretty good judgment too, whether you think you "deserve" it or not (!). M.
Just wanted to hi to none and see how you are...mj
None, I'm sure you look at your wife and think "What did I do to deserve this?" It would have been much easier if my husband would have yelled or screamed or hit me.... it's hard when he's so supportive of me because then I can't justify anything that I do. I'm left naked and vulnerable......
Went from 3pm yesterday to 7am this morning before I had to take any pills.... Going to try to go the rest of the day without any.....
None, sent you an email....
Went from 3pm yesterday to 7am this morning before I had to take any pills.... Going to try to go the rest of the day without any.....
None, sent you an email....
Danielle I just wanted to say good job keep up the effort I'm sure youll feel alot better best wishes...mj
MJ -- I'm doing pretty well. How about yourself? I've got to go out for the afternoon, but I'll check back later.
Thanks, MJ.... I really, really couldn't do this without the support from all of you... I know that sounds like such a codependent thing to say, but it's true. I need this site.
I'm doing well sticking with my lower doses somedays are harder than others but I know I can do this.I'm not so sure of starting the lexapro.The Dr ordered it but I want to do some careful reasearch before I start it.Take care....mj
roe,
I am happy that you have made the rehab decision... I know it will be tough but you are worth it.... Thank you for taking what I said with such a good heart... I love you and I only want what is best for you and to see you suceed...as I do with all those on here...
Please try not to beat yourself up any longer... this is a setback yes but it could be something that you look back on later and thank God for as a true turnign point... This could have be a real tragedy but it is nothing that can not be fixed with a little time a work...
as for your question about the 'bone'... I really have no idea... unless they did do CPR and during the chest compressions this bone was forced to 'give' and now it is just sore... that would be my only guess...
Let all this guilt and questions go... let someone else drive the bus..
Love ya.. teresa
I am happy that you have made the rehab decision... I know it will be tough but you are worth it.... Thank you for taking what I said with such a good heart... I love you and I only want what is best for you and to see you suceed...as I do with all those on here...
Please try not to beat yourself up any longer... this is a setback yes but it could be something that you look back on later and thank God for as a true turnign point... This could have be a real tragedy but it is nothing that can not be fixed with a little time a work...
as for your question about the 'bone'... I really have no idea... unless they did do CPR and during the chest compressions this bone was forced to 'give' and now it is just sore... that would be my only guess...
Let all this guilt and questions go... let someone else drive the bus..
Love ya.. teresa
Teresa, im not one to be givin advise here,, but i thought that what you said was wonderful!!! the whole "bus" thing is right.
Your a great friend. Keep up all the help. I know that alot of people listen to you. I know for one that i have listened to you alot in the past.
Your friend, Christina
P.S.. Oh, ya, MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family this holiday.
Your a great friend. Keep up all the help. I know that alot of people listen to you. I know for one that i have listened to you alot in the past.
Your friend, Christina
P.S.. Oh, ya, MERRY CHRISTMAS to you and your family this holiday.
Yes, she is a great friend. She's on my list of a few of the people I want to meet one day.
If you read my post under Moderators look quick, please Friend, don't take it as offensive. It was late at night and I just thought it was cute how nervous you got and I have a dry, and at times sick sense of humor, which sometimes is misunderstood, so if you read that, I was just kidding you ok? Love, Roe
If you read my post under Moderators look quick, please Friend, don't take it as offensive. It was late at night and I just thought it was cute how nervous you got and I have a dry, and at times sick sense of humor, which sometimes is misunderstood, so if you read that, I was just kidding you ok? Love, Roe
This is my first post on this board, but I have been reading the board for a few days as I have decided that it is time to end my addiction. I have, on and off, for over a year, been taking anywhere from 0 (for a few weeks at a time) to 17 10/300 mg pills per day. It is so easy to just get pills upon pills with the internet that what started out as a simple medical solution became this addiction. And the 17 pills wouldnt even get me high! They would just keep me from being no high. I too have kids, a five year old and a two year old. I know that I will never see their senior proms, college graduations or weddings unless I stop. And by stop, I mean stop for good, not just a few weeks.
I have spent the past year rationalizing, lying, probably breaking the law, causing myself untold physical harm, and all for no real benefit. Yet my wife, kids, so-workers are all totally unaware, and I would like them to stay that way. That is why I came here looking for an outlet and support. Nobody close to me knows about my problem (Well, not NOBODY, the Fed-Ex guy is convinced I am a sex freak with shipments of Viagra arriving at my office weekly) I know am able to beat this.
I went from 17 pills on Thursday, to 6 on Friday and Saturday to 3 Sunday and 2 today. I will taper with 1 pill for the next 4 days and then I will be done with them and I am going on vacation for a week where I will have no access to the pills or any ability to re-order. The tapering is working and I do not feel that bad, though I have been unable to focus at work, and I have been a bit of a grump. I have been taking a valium at night to help me sleep and ease the anxiety and cramps, but I dont have the same kind of problem with that and can take it medicinally. I dont take, nor do I crave, more.
Like I said, I have gone a few weeks before, and I have felt lousy. Tired, unfocused, headache (like now), moody and exhausted, yet unable to sleep. From what I have read, this is all pretty normal. So thats it.
I posed this in two places because I want to say hi and tell you all how much I respect you and appreciate what you are all going through. The support and kindness and understating found here is admirable, and I want to tank you all. But I really want to thank Briar and send some good thoughts and thanks her way because she helped me see what could have been. Her sharing that experience taught me, and I would bet many others, who read it but did not post.
So, Briar, while nobody should have to go through what you have, please let the guilt go. Your child is now more happy than ever to be with you, and vice-versa. you have helped and taught your child, and countless others. Your experience helped a lot of people (including me, my wife, my kids) and I for one thank you.
JR
I have spent the past year rationalizing, lying, probably breaking the law, causing myself untold physical harm, and all for no real benefit. Yet my wife, kids, so-workers are all totally unaware, and I would like them to stay that way. That is why I came here looking for an outlet and support. Nobody close to me knows about my problem (Well, not NOBODY, the Fed-Ex guy is convinced I am a sex freak with shipments of Viagra arriving at my office weekly) I know am able to beat this.
I went from 17 pills on Thursday, to 6 on Friday and Saturday to 3 Sunday and 2 today. I will taper with 1 pill for the next 4 days and then I will be done with them and I am going on vacation for a week where I will have no access to the pills or any ability to re-order. The tapering is working and I do not feel that bad, though I have been unable to focus at work, and I have been a bit of a grump. I have been taking a valium at night to help me sleep and ease the anxiety and cramps, but I dont have the same kind of problem with that and can take it medicinally. I dont take, nor do I crave, more.
Like I said, I have gone a few weeks before, and I have felt lousy. Tired, unfocused, headache (like now), moody and exhausted, yet unable to sleep. From what I have read, this is all pretty normal. So thats it.
I posed this in two places because I want to say hi and tell you all how much I respect you and appreciate what you are all going through. The support and kindness and understating found here is admirable, and I want to tank you all. But I really want to thank Briar and send some good thoughts and thanks her way because she helped me see what could have been. Her sharing that experience taught me, and I would bet many others, who read it but did not post.
So, Briar, while nobody should have to go through what you have, please let the guilt go. Your child is now more happy than ever to be with you, and vice-versa. you have helped and taught your child, and countless others. Your experience helped a lot of people (including me, my wife, my kids) and I for one thank you.
JR
