i am in an extremely abusive relationship and i can't seem to walk away...i have suffered indignities both physically and verbally that are escalating both in the nature of their violence and frequency
Concerned neighbors have called the police but upon their arrival i refused to press charges as my bf always assured me that i would pay the price afterwards heavily if i did.....there were times when he would even pick up the phone and goad me into calling the police but i was too scared to take him up on his offer and i could never make it to the front door to escape either...
I have been choked slapped...have had heavy objects thrown at me and my possessions toppled to the floor and when i plead and cry for him to just leave it seems to just anger him more and will intensify his cruelty and follow me from room to room until it is time for him to catch his bus
When he humiliates me in public it is more than i can bear and will follow me for blocks cursing throwing things at me and i wil get on the bus shaking and sobbing....ashamed of the bus driver seeing me that way...
Nothing i do or say is right and everything is interpreted as a slight or a threat and his latest thing is accusing me of cheating on him with my next door neighbor whom i am not attracted to at all and just go over there to listen to his sob stories about his ex wife or talk as my bf won't let me finish a sentence or he will finish it for me and will even scold me about the screwed up way i hand the bus driver my bus pass and dollar with the wrong hands.....
Now i am in the dog house again and he hasn't called for 2 weeks and i lay on the floor sobbing and wait for the phone to ring and wonder what i did wrong and i must really be screwed up for him to hold me in such contempt and would sell my soul to the devil just to have him love me again
My family and counselor have tried to impress upon me the probability of his actually killing me as he has a long history of incarceration and drug abuse and i never really take any of that seriously.....how could someone who tells me he loves me want to take my life though he never goes anywhere without a knife in his pocket and why has he abandoned me again ????
I know i must be addicted to the abuse on some level as i know logically and morally it is unethical......but when you have been brainwashed for years being told that you are worthless stupid ugly you get the feeling that no one will else want you and i better cling to this man so i won't have to face being alone as he is a God and could be with alot of other women but he has chosen to stay with me and i guess i must take the bad with the good..
i know he wouldn't treat other women this way.....it has to be me
Battered
Let me tell you something - this man is controlling you - get yourself out of there and fast - believe you me he will eventually go to far i have seen this many times before - Are there no facilites where you can run to - like battered wives etc - where they will keep him from you - if not - Leave all behind get yourself on a bus and head out of their as quickly as you can. He is controlling everything - he is making your feel worthless and you are better than that - you will end up hating yourself if he constantly criticizes everything you do and how you look - your councellors are right - have you no family you can turn to - have you no-one near who will help you - please for your own sanity and for the sake of your life move away - this man is dangerous.
I know you may love him but that may be the attraction for you that he treats you this way - maybe you already feel worthless and that no-one will ever love your again - trust me when i say this there are many good men about go and find one who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. I dont think you said you had children - have you - come back and let me know and i will see what other ideas i can come up with for you.
Look i am no expert i am not a phycologist Doctor or whatever - but i am 46 years old - and know about abusive relationships - I had to walk from one myself i had two children - i left everything behind - house, clothes everything and ran. I started all over again (he died through his addiction) He did the same to me when he was drunk - and said he would kill me if i ever left him and took the children - i did it - and i am still alive and have a new house and two lovely children - I would never ever have another man who i thought would be abusive or treat me like a dog - i would rather live on my own first - and have done so for many years now (although i have gone out with other men - but i have never met the one that i feel is right for me).
I hope this helps you and i feel sorry that i cannot help you - if i lived near you i would be the first to get you help. Come back and talk if you need any more help and im sure there will be many others here who will advise you also
Lots of love and Hugs - Take care of yourself
Let me tell you something - this man is controlling you - get yourself out of there and fast - believe you me he will eventually go to far i have seen this many times before - Are there no facilites where you can run to - like battered wives etc - where they will keep him from you - if not - Leave all behind get yourself on a bus and head out of their as quickly as you can. He is controlling everything - he is making your feel worthless and you are better than that - you will end up hating yourself if he constantly criticizes everything you do and how you look - your councellors are right - have you no family you can turn to - have you no-one near who will help you - please for your own sanity and for the sake of your life move away - this man is dangerous.
I know you may love him but that may be the attraction for you that he treats you this way - maybe you already feel worthless and that no-one will ever love your again - trust me when i say this there are many good men about go and find one who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve. I dont think you said you had children - have you - come back and let me know and i will see what other ideas i can come up with for you.
Look i am no expert i am not a phycologist Doctor or whatever - but i am 46 years old - and know about abusive relationships - I had to walk from one myself i had two children - i left everything behind - house, clothes everything and ran. I started all over again (he died through his addiction) He did the same to me when he was drunk - and said he would kill me if i ever left him and took the children - i did it - and i am still alive and have a new house and two lovely children - I would never ever have another man who i thought would be abusive or treat me like a dog - i would rather live on my own first - and have done so for many years now (although i have gone out with other men - but i have never met the one that i feel is right for me).
I hope this helps you and i feel sorry that i cannot help you - if i lived near you i would be the first to get you help. Come back and talk if you need any more help and im sure there will be many others here who will advise you also
Lots of love and Hugs - Take care of yourself
Just like what outof said, there is no reason for you to stay with this man. Your odds of getting killed by him is more if you choose to stay with him. You don;t deserve to be treated this way. Don;t be scared that nobody will love you anymore as that is not true. He tells you all this things so that you will lose your self esteem and so that you'll be totally dependent on him. You don't deserve this...nobody has the right to treat you this way especially this person that you are not related to or did not give you life. Think about it, you will never be happy with this guy. You should love yourself before loving somebody else. I hope that God will enlighten your mind and bring you the courage to leave this man. I'll pray for you. Take care!
Of course he would treat the next woman this way. This is his personality. Drugs or no drugs this is extreme. I hope you come back and read this. I had a guy like this before (minus the drugs and the knife and he wasnt even as bad) either way he was controlling and abusive, nuts. My now addict boyfriend ( I can pick them) is not like this. anyway,. this other guy has gone from relationship to relationship and hs been the same. he has gotten two girls pregnant and both of them had him give up his parental rights and did not get child support just to keep their children away from him. These people are abusers. they cant help it. he sounds like a freak. what in gods name are you doing? I am sure he hs called you by now. Make yourself leave him - move and change your phone number. it is easier if you decide - get a restraining order - hide and leave him. Make yourself not look back. dont blame yourself, these people turn on you to control y ou.
Hi, I have been involed with an abusive man for six years. The hardest thing to do is leave and stay away from him. I have been called everything under the sun and had a gun held to my head. Not to mention the other terrible things that he did to control and abuse me. Sounds like he has brought you down to the level that I was at. You have lost yourself and you feel like you can't possibly be loved by anyone else. No I don't think you are addicted to abuse; I felt like I was but it turns out that abuse was the only way that he showed any emotion for me and I would take anything that I could get. If you have ever listen to anyone, listen to me. You have to stay away from this man. He can only bring you lower than he already has. Yes, the people who are telling you that he will kill you, they are very right. It is a very scary feeling to think you are going to die and I wouldn't want anyone to feel the way that I did. If you can find yourself again you will be just fine without him. I figured out how to love myself again and it's like I have a fresh new start in life. Learn to love you. You are a person and you deserve to be treated with respect.
Peaceful,
Thank-you for your insight.....actually i have been posting on other sites dealing with my bf's drug addiction but it has been brought home to me by many of the replies that i am minimizing the fact that with or without drugs my bf is very abusive and that i am extremely co-dependent and that he has negatively brainwashed me over the years to believe that i am indeed the crazy one and who else would want me and having had problems with low self esteem before i met him i really fed into his theories about me and even though we don't live together i am still subject to the long arms of his control but i am trying to stay strong this time....about 5 weeks ago he accused me of cheating on him and unlike times before i resisted the temptation to either write to him or call and then about 2 weeks ago i started getting these round the clock no message left calls and i knew they were from him and then just this week he calls to say he is moving to a new address and that he knows i am with my new man and all this garbage and i still wouldn't pick up the phone and i could hear he was getting angry and suddenly the all day phone calls have stopped..
Where i get stuck is that i feel that there is something intrinsically wrong with me and that he would never treat another woman this way and i think he is cheating on me actually so i wish he would leave me alone and let her clean up his messes.....i really don't think he would come over to my place and try to hurt me physically....i think he doesn't really care anymore about me but it just makes him mad that i won't go running back to him.....i dunno i just feel so empty and blue and feel used and yes my self esteem is zero..
thanx for listening
Thank-you for your insight.....actually i have been posting on other sites dealing with my bf's drug addiction but it has been brought home to me by many of the replies that i am minimizing the fact that with or without drugs my bf is very abusive and that i am extremely co-dependent and that he has negatively brainwashed me over the years to believe that i am indeed the crazy one and who else would want me and having had problems with low self esteem before i met him i really fed into his theories about me and even though we don't live together i am still subject to the long arms of his control but i am trying to stay strong this time....about 5 weeks ago he accused me of cheating on him and unlike times before i resisted the temptation to either write to him or call and then about 2 weeks ago i started getting these round the clock no message left calls and i knew they were from him and then just this week he calls to say he is moving to a new address and that he knows i am with my new man and all this garbage and i still wouldn't pick up the phone and i could hear he was getting angry and suddenly the all day phone calls have stopped..
Where i get stuck is that i feel that there is something intrinsically wrong with me and that he would never treat another woman this way and i think he is cheating on me actually so i wish he would leave me alone and let her clean up his messes.....i really don't think he would come over to my place and try to hurt me physically....i think he doesn't really care anymore about me but it just makes him mad that i won't go running back to him.....i dunno i just feel so empty and blue and feel used and yes my self esteem is zero..
thanx for listening
battered,
You are not alone.
I was in a 4 yr relationship and I also cried and cried when he said he would call, did not call............long, long story. Very weird. I was addicted to something in there emotionally. I did not like myself much either to accept this treatment.
You are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be treated with respect. Simple respect. And you deserve peace. I was on a rollercoaster for a long time with this guy.
LOVE yourself. Take care of yourself. I am here for you. I have three kids and need to go for now..... and am sorry I am not explaining more but I can later.
How are you doing??????
Hugs
Hang in there
You are not alone.
I was in a 4 yr relationship and I also cried and cried when he said he would call, did not call............long, long story. Very weird. I was addicted to something in there emotionally. I did not like myself much either to accept this treatment.
You are a worthwhile person. You deserve to be treated with respect. Simple respect. And you deserve peace. I was on a rollercoaster for a long time with this guy.
LOVE yourself. Take care of yourself. I am here for you. I have three kids and need to go for now..... and am sorry I am not explaining more but I can later.
How are you doing??????
Hugs
Hang in there
Dear Guest,
Doing a bit better....but with setbacks as with any addiction but not major wipe outs anymore as i am getting wiser and more fed up....found out it is really the abuser who has the problem with low self-esteem and fears abandonment. That love you/don't love you waffling on their part is a way of maintaining control and tantalizing our emotional neediness for whatever drug-like satisfaction we think they are providing for us. Thank you for showing that you care by responding to my thread. Sounds like you know what i am going through.
battered but getting better
Doing a bit better....but with setbacks as with any addiction but not major wipe outs anymore as i am getting wiser and more fed up....found out it is really the abuser who has the problem with low self-esteem and fears abandonment. That love you/don't love you waffling on their part is a way of maintaining control and tantalizing our emotional neediness for whatever drug-like satisfaction we think they are providing for us. Thank you for showing that you care by responding to my thread. Sounds like you know what i am going through.
battered but getting better
I am a worthless piece of s**t who time after time will let my ex back into my life just when i am getting a little stronger but very lonely and it always backfires on me. I can't take it anymore and just wished i owned a gun so i could put it into my mouth and pull the trigger. Everything i say and do is wrong and i know one day my ex is going to kill me. I think on some level i want him to do it as i am too chicken s**t to do it myself and i just want my suffering to stop. I am not a bad person and i don't deserve to be treated this way but i have become so brainwashed into thinking i am such a loser that i am starting to believe that i did do something to deserve this abuse.
He always will periodically disappear saying he wants nothing more to do with me only to resurface again never apologizing or acknowledging the emotional and physical damage he did to me when he left. What does he want from me? If i am this stupid unattractive person then why does he keep coming back? Why doesn't he find another woman who will better be his ideal mate?
Sorry to sound like such a whipped dog and earn everybody's disrespect on this recovery board but i am so lost and afraid.
battered
He always will periodically disappear saying he wants nothing more to do with me only to resurface again never apologizing or acknowledging the emotional and physical damage he did to me when he left. What does he want from me? If i am this stupid unattractive person then why does he keep coming back? Why doesn't he find another woman who will better be his ideal mate?
Sorry to sound like such a whipped dog and earn everybody's disrespect on this recovery board but i am so lost and afraid.
battered
Battered,
I too was in a very serious domestic relationship I was beaten to the stage where I was knocked out at first it just emotional abuse then the slaps then the pushing in the end I was worried I was going to be carried out in a black bag to the morg. My children didnt need to see that. In your relationship the most important thing that matter to your b/f is his using the voilence is a seperate issue. Once a man hits you and emotionally abuses you it never stops unless ofcourse he seeks help and does it forhimself. As children we are brought up to be a certain way. I also took it because I had seen it as a child my parents being drunk all the time my father being taken out by police and when it happen to me I thought that oh well it will change next time but the next time never came it went from bad to worse. You should go and get some councilling and get off the floor and stop crying over him because let me tell you something he is not crying over you.
Your very lucky you didnt get into the drug part of things because if you had off you wouldnt be speaking to us today there are a lot of good people here with a lot of good advice. Take what you can. A good thing to do is keep a journal of everything you are feeling at the moment. Because in time its good to look back and see how much you have grown.
Forget the bloke for now concentrate on building up your inner self, cry beat a pillow and talk to the big guy up stairs he is just waiting for you to ask him and he will be there without a second ask.
Here for ya
Rhonda
I too was in a very serious domestic relationship I was beaten to the stage where I was knocked out at first it just emotional abuse then the slaps then the pushing in the end I was worried I was going to be carried out in a black bag to the morg. My children didnt need to see that. In your relationship the most important thing that matter to your b/f is his using the voilence is a seperate issue. Once a man hits you and emotionally abuses you it never stops unless ofcourse he seeks help and does it forhimself. As children we are brought up to be a certain way. I also took it because I had seen it as a child my parents being drunk all the time my father being taken out by police and when it happen to me I thought that oh well it will change next time but the next time never came it went from bad to worse. You should go and get some councilling and get off the floor and stop crying over him because let me tell you something he is not crying over you.
Your very lucky you didnt get into the drug part of things because if you had off you wouldnt be speaking to us today there are a lot of good people here with a lot of good advice. Take what you can. A good thing to do is keep a journal of everything you are feeling at the moment. Because in time its good to look back and see how much you have grown.
Forget the bloke for now concentrate on building up your inner self, cry beat a pillow and talk to the big guy up stairs he is just waiting for you to ask him and he will be there without a second ask.
Here for ya
Rhonda
We are only all human, after all. You will die one day, and, so will he. Love, compassion, growth, these are goals to strive for. When your lover hurts you, he hurts. So he expresses his own fear, his own expression of fear, pain, negativity, self-loathing, imbalance, etc., on you, BUT.. in reality...IT REALLY HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU!. To him, you are nothing but some existing THING for him to take his frustration out on. But you know that you ARE a PERSON! You're FEELINGS, and not only that, you're SOUL! Are you just some figment on his life, some THING that occupies his selfishly perceived reality? No, friend. You exist and therefore deserve integrity and reverence as a mere organism, and also, especially, as a human being, a conscious being with feelings, history, LIFE. Let him go and look into yourself; you find it to be very true. Perhaps you are afraid; remember, your soul IS there and it protects you! Don't be angry, but see the situation for what it is. In a grander scheme of things, you may even laugh at the ridiculousness of such surmountable drama. In actuality, you may find it entirely, laughably absurd that you've been caught in this cylce. Love and light call you, so answer!. You're free, you're light!. Laugh! Shake this off, see him for what he is, see it for what it is. Grow. Make a personal commitment to YOURSELF to seek YOUR potential and realize your OWN dreams. Love yourself and focus on compassion instead of tolerance, you are strong, you grow, you heal. Love is the word, and it IS real! ...where is his? Break this cycle of abuse. Let go, be an example of independent perseverance without resentment. Be strong, LOVE YOU! This gives you power, this heals you, this sets you free to fulfill your magnificent being's magnitude in its blink of an eye called LIFE! I know you hurt, so put it into perspective! With the cycle broken, you evolve to a higher understanding of love and existence. Resign yourself as a whipping post, or let go and be you, beautiful, glorious, God-given YOU friend! I await your radiance and thoughts to you. The cycle of abuse is broken, let wings lift both up. Peace and love to you,
cordelia
ps- your case IS extreme, yet my heart knows you persevere
cordelia
ps- your case IS extreme, yet my heart knows you persevere
Thank you Rhonda and Cordelia for your support and wisdom based upon your own personal experience in dealing with an abusive significant other. As i am not too boned up on the whys and how comes of domestic abuse aside from being a seasoned victim of the abuse itself i would like to ask you a question.
If i am such an imperfect moronic poor excuse for a partner much less a woman why does my ex repeatedly reappear on the scene after a certain amount of time has elapsed since the last incident in question?
I have read up on the cycles of abuse and with him there is no making up period nor does he ever acknowledge or apologize for even the physical abuse he has perpetrated upon me.Why doesn't he just find some other wide-eyed naive, adoring, unaware new woman to prey upon and leave me be?
I fear that i have only two options opened to me right now to break the cycle. Either he disappears for good or he becomes so enraged that he finishes me off forever. I feel like i am writing about someone else here as the 'me' from before i met him would never have put up with his bulls**t and if he were doing that to my sister i would have flayed him alive.
What has happened to me? I am so ashamed of myself
battered
If i am such an imperfect moronic poor excuse for a partner much less a woman why does my ex repeatedly reappear on the scene after a certain amount of time has elapsed since the last incident in question?
I have read up on the cycles of abuse and with him there is no making up period nor does he ever acknowledge or apologize for even the physical abuse he has perpetrated upon me.Why doesn't he just find some other wide-eyed naive, adoring, unaware new woman to prey upon and leave me be?
I fear that i have only two options opened to me right now to break the cycle. Either he disappears for good or he becomes so enraged that he finishes me off forever. I feel like i am writing about someone else here as the 'me' from before i met him would never have put up with his bulls**t and if he were doing that to my sister i would have flayed him alive.
What has happened to me? I am so ashamed of myself
battered
it is common for victims of abuse to feel that they 'deserve' the abuse. if you work with yourself, you will let go of him. it hurts me so much to hear of your situation, but again, i stress to you, things are ok. everything is ok. you are alive! let go of this person who expresses his fear and insecurity through abuse. if its not you its someone else? maybe, but by loving yourself and being strong, you can be a shining example for him, and, in helping yourself, help him. what is it, sweetie. why can't you leave? if truly you are a masochist, than ask yourself...why? i myself am going through a difficult seperation. my husband was emotionally abusive and distant, pot-addict, physically threatening...i myself, was molested by my own father as a child, i myself, have felt the worthlessness of despair, BUT I PULLED MYSELF OUT OF IT THROUGH LOVE! LOVING ME! the best any of us can do for others, besides support and understanding, is to move ourselves forward. please trust me. why are you afraid? you will persevere, and this, my friend, all of this, as you say, bulls***, will be like a dream that enlightened you to become yourself, strong, vibrant, alive.
Why can't i leave him Cordelia when we don't even reside together anymore? Because according to therapists family members and friends he is a worthless evil abusive manipulative sociopathic loser and for someone like him to reject me makes me feel less than beetle dung. I feel so alone afraid and unloveable that i am convinced no one else could love me. Yet when i am with him i inwardly seethe with indignant contempt for him and i resent that i have to keep myself in check as not to incite him to riot. As with any addiction i forget how bad things can get when the drug/he is at hand and that death is always a possiblity for indulging in someone so toxic and deleterious to my life.
How do i attain that wonderful self love you talk about Cordelia? I didn't love myself before i met him and certainly do not now. He is just my dead father in another man's body whom i thought i buried and forgot. I cannot believe i was attracted to a living extension of my deceased father whose abusive auspicies i was glad to get away from when he died.
Thank you for thinking of me Cordelia
battered
How do i attain that wonderful self love you talk about Cordelia? I didn't love myself before i met him and certainly do not now. He is just my dead father in another man's body whom i thought i buried and forgot. I cannot believe i was attracted to a living extension of my deceased father whose abusive auspicies i was glad to get away from when he died.
Thank you for thinking of me Cordelia
battered
start doing things you like. do yoga. meditate. eat right. read inspirational books. do you have pain? wirte it out, act, paint, even cook or do crafts. the most creative people have tortured souls. that is how they survive, dear. they express themselves outwardly. BE BRAVE! your drag expresses himself through pain, bullying, contempt because he hurts and lacks the evolutionary skills of love. you express yourself by-proxy. his treatment of you gives you the thrill like a drug addict finding a vein. the cycle is complimentary. like i have always said, let them that judge feel the first stone. however, i feel love from you, you speak of your father, who knows what he's done? but i feel love from you. please...nurture yourself! be the child of light and love that YOU deserve to be BY RIGHT! have fun!!!
I mean...
i drink too much sometimes. i hook up with losers sometimes. i am not perfect either. It happens. make a collage, play the piano, put on some tunes and dance! we are so very temporal. resign yourself to your disease and him, or be a shining example; for me, for you, your family, everyone. my love to you and, remember, it is ok to be sensitive, darling. it makes us beautiful and real.
I mean...
i drink too much sometimes. i hook up with losers sometimes. i am not perfect either. It happens. make a collage, play the piano, put on some tunes and dance! we are so very temporal. resign yourself to your disease and him, or be a shining example; for me, for you, your family, everyone. my love to you and, remember, it is ok to be sensitive, darling. it makes us beautiful and real.
" is ok to be sensitive, darling. it makes us beautiful and real. "
Dear Guest,
Yet sensitivity makes us vulnerable and uncertain which draws the abuser to us as a python to the quivering hare and he strikes stuns and devours us whole only to slowly digest and dissolves us with his corrosive secretions.
How can one imagine that underneath it all according to what i have read about abusers and why they abuse they are in fact the petrified quivering rabbit filled with self loathing and self doubt. According to the 'books' the abuser inside is the direct reflection of the one he is abusing.
Man i wish i could be that tough and insensitive and never get hurt or stepped on. I am the one that suffers while my ex just keeps on trucking and is loved by all.
It ain't supposed to be this way
battered
Dear Guest,
Yet sensitivity makes us vulnerable and uncertain which draws the abuser to us as a python to the quivering hare and he strikes stuns and devours us whole only to slowly digest and dissolves us with his corrosive secretions.
How can one imagine that underneath it all according to what i have read about abusers and why they abuse they are in fact the petrified quivering rabbit filled with self loathing and self doubt. According to the 'books' the abuser inside is the direct reflection of the one he is abusing.
Man i wish i could be that tough and insensitive and never get hurt or stepped on. I am the one that suffers while my ex just keeps on trucking and is loved by all.
It ain't supposed to be this way
battered
