Accepting Powerlessness

Families / Partners of Addicts
1
Last night, for the first time in twenty-five months, I went to sleep knowing that my son was safe and with people who would not hurt him or contribute to his continued use of drugs. It's been a very long road that has taken my wife and me through 15 years of desperation, gut-wrenching fear, anger, hope, compassion and, finally, acceptance. When we started on this path, we, like so many other parents we've met along the way, were convinced that we could tackle this problem like any other challenge we'd faced in our lives. In a 12-step group for the families and friends of drug addicts, we heard that we had no control over our son's addiction. We were disinclined to admit that. As parents of an adolescent, it seemed that an admission of powerlessness was the equivalent of surrender, an abandonment of our son to the scourge of drug addiction. He was, after all, still a minor, living under our roof, and, at least putatively, complying with our rules. As his addiction took hold, however, we came to learn just how powerless and ineffective we were. We sent him to treatment centers (three), psychologists and psychiatrists. He had outbreaks of sobriety, followed by longer periods of being lost. A recent three-year long interval of success was followed by a two-year-long struggle. He finally came to the realization that he had had enough and that he could not have a relationship with drugs that did not take him down a path to chaos, privation, indigence and depravity. Last night, he checked himself into a detox and treatment facility. His fourth, but the first where it was his choice, his decision. For that reason, we have greater hope than we've had before. He chose the facility, he prepared diligently, as diligently as he could in his impaired state, and he willingly, purposefully, walked through the door, placing himself in the hands of professionals who may be able to help him get back on track.
We look at our powerlessness differently now. We understand that an admission of powerlessness does not mean capitulation. It is, rather, recognition that we cannot be attached to the outcome or to the means to achieve it. We cant give up in anger and defeat. We recognize our limitations. We can help, appropriately, but we must be dispassionate about the result. Ultimately, we must accept the fact that the only person who has the ability to overcome the addition is the addict. He had to be ready. He had to be willing. He had to want sobriety and be willing to do whatever it takes to get it. We finally stepped back and let our son make his decision about the use of drugs. Last night, we watched him take a step weve wanted him to take for the last two years. As I said before, we have more hope than weve had before because he did it on his own. He says he really wants it, and were convinced that thats what it takes.
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Hi Stan, Thank you for writing this. This gives me hope that one day maybe my daughter will do the same as your son. I wish your son success and your family much happiness. This is encouraging to read and I think I'll copy it so that on days when I have no hope I can read this and know that there is a light at the end of some of our tunnels. Thank you. God bless. Mary.
3
Stan thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. Acceptance is hard earned. It took me 10 years to get to that place with my son and to finally let go of the outcome of his choices. It is always a day at a time process with me. I too attend 12 step meetings. They were my turning point in recovery from my enabling codependency. I pray for my son daily, I reach out to him in love, but the outcome of his life choices are between him and his. HP. We never know what our loved ones turning point will be or when. I wholeheartedly hope that your son has turned that corner and will never find it necessary to look back again. All of the very best!
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stan- thank you for sharing. you said so much truth in a short amount of space. So sorry your son relapsed after 3 years clean. I have heard that can be common. even when our kids are clean and we can sleep at night, we still have that slight worry in the background. They must have that worry too. For us too, it is one day at a time. every clean week, month, year are good ones. every clean day is another chance. get up, dust off, and try again.

my husband and I found NA to be helpful and a year ago when my son was living at a rehab/sober living home, the councilors were able to talk to us a few times on the phone. Their support and advice about Not Enabling helped us to stay on track..... and then, I found this support group - perfect to vent and exchange stories in the hopes of learning from or helping others.

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A little over 8 months ago, my son took his first step to another period of sobriety, and we expressed hope that, since he initiated it, it might signal a true desire to be sober. Much has happened over the intervening months. He came out of detox, decided on a half-way house that he wanted to enter and did what he had to do to get in. He went to meetings, did what he was required to do, got a job, moved into his own apartment, got a dog, faced prosecution for possession and criminal trespass and now has 3 felonies to his credit, started a new Smart Recovery meeting at the half-way house, is attending drug court, intensive outpatient and doing his mandated community service. He's making arrangements to re-enroll in college and finish some last requirements on getting his degree. He's had serious challenges and some low points, but through it all he has maintained his commitment to sobriety and turning his life around. Because of that commitment, we have assisted him financially, something we have sworn we would not do again. Never say never. He's working as hard as we've ever seen him work, and we have made a commitment to his commitment. We don't know what will happen tomorrow or if anything untoward has happened since we last spoke with him this afternoon. We've been down this path so many times before, we know better than to assume that there will be a straight and narrow sober path ahead. But, for now, he's doing everything he knows to do to be and remain sober. In the face of a truly senseless judicial outcome which is emblematic of the way our system approaches addiction, he has maintained a positive attitude and thinkgs that, in light of how the system works, he was treated fairly. It's a dramatic change, and, we hope, a lasting one. It appears that he may be growing up at the ripe old age of 31. We still cringe when we get the phone call reporting the unfairness of the workplace or the difficulty of making ends meet. All we can do is listen and let him know that we have confidence in his ability to figure all of this out. He continues to prove us right, and we are very, very grateful for that.
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Stan,

Thank you for sharing this positive news!! I am so happy for you and your son. Yes, we all know to hold lightly to this time, with the realization things may not continue positive, but enjoy having him present, nonetheless. One day at a time and enjoy the day when it is a good day. Keeping you all in my thoughts. I really do appreciate your sharing so much.
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stan--

I am still waiting for my son to grow up and find his way and freedom from his nemesis "drugs"!
So glad your son is finally on the right path and praying he will continue down that path!
I know how hard it is to have hopes that you are afraid of having smashed once again, but hope is all we have and I cling to it!

Keep us posted--Lori
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stan - ty for sharing! my son has been working, living near home, still dabbling in something, started to see a dr for treatment a few weeks ago, laid off from his job for the winter, but has an interview next week. but he does not like the field he is in, so yea he has interview, boo It is in the same field. yea he is seeing dr and taking medication, boo his cash still disappears rapidly.... says he is not drinking alcohol or taking pills. maybe $ is going to the gf... somethings are still a mystery. my cell phone has been quiet for 3 days, I hold on to the good moments, hope for the best, try to put myself first. he has been in addiction for many years, it will take more than a few weeks to get all the kinks out. my urge is to take his pay check and buy him some sox....but I don't. I know he has to do it. I know it will be a good day when he buys himself a bag of sox. and shoes the ones he is wearing are falling apart - really - the sole is flapping off... I know I cant do it for him - whether it is his sole or his soul. I think when he buys himself sox and shoes it will show that he feels worthy enough to give something good to himself.

Happy to hear your son is making changes for himself.