My 31 year old son is a heroin addict and uses meth as well. Due to my divorce from his father he didn't live with me during his teen years but I was aware that he smoked pot. We were close when his wife was pregnant with my grandson when he was in his 20's. About 5 years ago he was involved in a fight and was stabbed in the liver. He was given pain pills and went down the slippery slope of addiction until he finally ended up addicted to heroin. At that point he began distancing himself from his family and trying to hide his addiction. He has never stolen from me, called me from jail or asked me for help. In February of 2013 he finally reached out to my mom and she paid for his rehab but he wasn't honest with the counselors about the true extent of his addiction so naturally treatment didn't work. He has continued to go downhill. This past May I moved across the country and have only heard from him once even though I have called him (he never answers) and texted him repeatedly. I do have somewhat limited contact with his wife as she enables him by trying to hide how bad things are. Yesterday I got a call from my son's mother-in-law who told me she believes he is close to death. His mouth is all infected, his legs are swollen and he is covered in sores. I am of course heartbroken and it makes it so much difficult being all the way across the country. I know I should take care of me (I'm going to start going to a 12 step group) but I'm terrified of losing my son. My heart is broken.
Hi,
So sorry for your son. It sounds like he does need immediate medical attention.......Also, it may also mean that he hit the bottom and may take the recovery process more seriously this time around.
Best of luck.
So sorry for your son. It sounds like he does need immediate medical attention.......Also, it may also mean that he hit the bottom and may take the recovery process more seriously this time around.
Best of luck.
Unfortunately I don't think him being sick will make any difference. He's had to go the ER in the past for infections and they just give him antibiotics and he's out. He was arrested in August with cocaine and is going to court and may be facing jail time. I hear all of this second hand as he doesn't communicate with me. I also just found out that he keeps nodding off when he's driving and has had several accidents. His wife has threatened to leave him several times but now my grandson is saying he's scared to ride with daddy. Maybe if his wife does actually leave he will hit rock bottom but I just don't think he has the strength or will to climb out of the hole he's in.
I hope she does leave or at least not allow the kid in the car. Save the grandson.
Absolutely. This has taken enough toll on everyone. My daughter-in-law's first responsibility at this point needs to be to protect her child.
I am so very sorry. I am sure you have understood how very little you can actually do for no matter how near or far you are. It must be gut wrenching for you. And though nothing can brace you for what lies ahead, but I do hope that you find yourself as much support as you can possibly get. Again, no matter were you are. God bless you, and him, and his wife and son.
Thanks for the kind words. In some ways it is easier being so far away because his addiction doesn't effect my day to day life but in other ways it is much harder. I keep thinking that if he became even more ill I might not be able to make it to see him again in time. It's also difficult because he doesn't communicate with me. I think in some ways he's trying to protect me by trying to convince himself I don't know anything. The only time I really confronted him was when we were in the hospital when my dad was dying. We were all sitting with my father and had been there for hours. My son started looking really ill and finally had to run out of the room to throw up. I point blank asked him if he was drug sick several times and he flat out denied it and said he had a stomach bug. I don't know what's harder, having an addict who calls all the time or one who never does. I've had it both ways (my oldest daughter also struggles with addiction) but at least she called once in a while so I could hear her voice.
Sometimes you want to shake the crap out of them and tell them "Look what the hell you are doing to yourself and who else you are affecting." But even if you do, the drugs are more important. The end result for an addict is jails, institutions, death or recovery.
Those times I had no contact with my daughter I prayed that her God would take care of her. It helped a lot. I also had to pray for my sanity. As a married adult it must be hard on you knowing he has an enabling wife.
Maybe call your DIL and tell her if things don't change soon, he will die. If not the drugs, from the infections, heart problems and there will be no veins to give him those much needed antibiotics.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Those times I had no contact with my daughter I prayed that her God would take care of her. It helped a lot. I also had to pray for my sanity. As a married adult it must be hard on you knowing he has an enabling wife.
Maybe call your DIL and tell her if things don't change soon, he will die. If not the drugs, from the infections, heart problems and there will be no veins to give him those much needed antibiotics.
You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Dear FlBeachLvr, I feel for you it must be heart wrenching for you,I have one addicted son....I couldn't imagine two....It is really hard to say this but unfortunately there is a time in our lives that our children mature and become adults.We can advise them if they choose to ask or listen...but as adults their actions are their choices...we may not like them but that's the truth of the matter.It is frustrating because the health system ties our hands and basically society does because at 18 they are legally adults.Therefore we have no say in their medical care the doctors will state patient doctor confidentiality.In the course of over 10 years I have done just about everything I could to halt my sons addiction....Rehabs many counseling watching over him moving to a new state...I hate to admit defeat but I cannot stop my son from this destructive nature...He is currently incarated. ..but I know upon release the trend will continue...how do I know ...because he is 29 has a rap sheet to choke a horse has nothing nada left his last wonderful drug buddies tossed his clothes out...He lost his drivers license for 5 years...but as much as it devastes me I am powerless...as you are...Your daughter in law will never make things better by candy coating....why should he change why would he bother his actions and behavior are being excepted...she must move out she can't fix him but she must look out for her son. ..personally it's drastic measure but I would call child protective services and see immediately if I could get temporary custody of my grandchild. ..He is not in a stable safe home...His father is a addict a mother that's an enabler...maybe that might be a first step...it might give them a wake up call......Second are you aware of the baker act laws...educate yourself ...You can have your son found a danger to himself and others ...they will put him in a 72 hour hold and during that hold they might be able to get him into a state run program or rehab. ...Your daughter in law must be spoken to...You must state to her you know exactly what is going on...she is not addicted but she is effected and infected with addiction....I think the best step would be in gaining custody of your grandchild he deserves to be in a much better envoirment start with him....it might be the first piece of the puzzle in changing the whole situation. ...one other thing you might not like but if you want to save your son...You said he's involved in the court system and possibly facing jail time...You call the police and tell them he is using ....You must turn him in...drastic oh yeah but as much as a mother we don't want to see our sons in jail....at least we know when they are behind bars they cannot use the herion or drug of choice and we pray by placing them in the system the Bull may be stopped long enough to maybe consider changing their path....as parents and family members we must stop looking over around and above the addiction. We must force ourselves to act in whatever fashion we must be strong be firm and not allow our love to make us weak....if you love your son as you say you do and your heartbroken and afraid of losing him I gave you a few ideas....it is now up to you...Make the call to cps then call the police ....turn your worry into strength and you might gain some power over the situation. ..get your daughter in laws mom onboard....she calls and tells you information I'm sure she'd be in agreement. ..
I am told this over and over by my therapist. I didn't cause it and I cant change it. My therapist lost her son to addiction. My therapist tells me that I have completed my job as mothering a "child" he is now an adult. He is going to make his own choices until we turn blue in the face wit advice. They don't want our advice. So don't feel guilty because there is nothing that you can do. We let them drain the lives out of us as they drain the lives out of themselves....of course we do. But we have to try and let go and put it in Gods hands. I am not religious (hugely) but he is Gods child now...and it is out of your hands. That MIL shouldn't have called you...and the wife shouldn't call you. They are living their lives. If your son doesn't call you than we really have no business knowing what is going on in his life. Now you have to live with this awful picture of your son suffering and you have probably seen him in worst condition than he is in now. He may pull thru and he may not but there is nothing I can do. I use "I" because I have to remind myself this about MY son daily. Someone mentioned an article that is on this site. Its under "Most Popular Topics" on the left. "Let me Fall by myself". I think you and I should read that article. And we have to stop feeling pain and guilt for something we did not cause and something we don't have the power to fix. Cause God knows if we COULD...WE WOULD ALREADY
