Hello
Never posted before, reading through threads is strengthening, this started as a reply but expanded to explain a bit about my situation and what I've learned.
I'm 26, smoking for 10+ years, wanted not to for most of it but my adoration for weed remains unwavering.
A large part of my problem is the entanglement of my addiction with depression, having regularly taken weed (and other drugs, but not for 5+ years) from a young age to avoid dealing with issues upon issues and so on. I have been fighting the depression for the past few years, anti-depressants where part of the trigger for uncontrollable addiction and generally made my life a lot worse, more recently I'm looking for better ways to improve my life.
Problem?
I am currently unable to be awake more than hour or two without smoking, cannot do anything but keep myself washed and fed (just about), and am on the road to failing another year of my degree. I have dissolved all my relations, partly because of my inability to deal with social situations or make and keep plans due to addiction, also because of the energy required to not seem depressed and the guilt associated with being oneself. I could go on but i think you get the idea, the wider impact on my life is substantial.
Last summer I landed an internship for a big engineering company in London, the job I told myself I always wanted, and it was incredible. I didn't smoke for first 6weeks, and I was so busy I didn't really mind, I was having dreams again, and crazy amazing vivid dreams, my brain was becoming alive, my eating and hunger improved along with other physicalitys. But before long the depression became rampant, I started to shut down, everything I did was forced and on my days off I could do nothing. At least with weed I could take control, make myself forget about enough to be able to deal with something. I started smoking again and when the summer was over I returned to university and ramped up the intake.
WEED IS ADDICTIVE!
When I stop I go through withdrawal. I believe that to a point we can metabolise enough stored away in fat cells to wean off it naturally, also our bodies have a system which produces our own cannabinoids and we do make use of the substances. (People experience this effect when they stop smoking and for a few days have periods of feeling stoned again, often brought on by exercise or something.) But with high levels of use this only marginally helps. Migraine and headaches, stomach cramps, profuse sweating, joint ache and more can be regular for first week or more. Proper consumption and exercise helps but can also be a task so make a plan and keep it simple.
Addiction is cognitive dissonance, I know it makes no sense. MJ is my best friend and worst enemy, she saves my life every day then stops me from living it. Being stoned all the time jumbles the inner-monologue and stops one from creating 'space' in the mind, be it imaginary or memory based. It used to allow for memories to be used as feelings, which is magical but then it all goes away, memories forgotten and disassociated.
This is my disappearing act!
And this is the problem, with the loss of relations and social contact and the loss of memories, one loses oneself, and I feel like a different person is living each moment. This may seem abstract, but its like going to bed convinced I'm not going to smoke and waking up convinced of the opposite, eventually you go to bed thinking f*** it who knows what the guy tomorrow will want to do so why tell myself anything at all, this is my every moment and every decision.
Wake up and do something!
So there's some pretty legit techniques that help with this stuff, activities involving both sides of the brain are very good, walking is the best, after a relatively short period the brain is able to deal with all sorts of stuff. More vigorous exercise has the added benefit of fat burning and release endorphins which can help return the bodys chemical balance. Otherwise any activity which has you thinking about how to do something and doing it simultaneously helps to rewire those addictive neural pathways.
Sometimes I'd sketch, I'm go awful at it but it totally makes me not think about not being stoned and gives all sorts of psychological benefits. Play music, whether you already know an instrument or not if theres something around make some noise on it and think how its working, the right music shop will have all sorts of random cheap instruments. Restoration/repair project, get a thing (a motor, electronics, models/figures etc.) and try to repair it if its broken, or take it apart and figure out how to put it back together if not.
Computer games is another thing which promotes bi-hemispheric brain activity and is being looked at to treat PTSD, but its important to be careful as this compounds other issues associated with weed addiction.
These things along with stopping weed should allow me to re-establish my psychological self. I am also intending to maintain a meditation routine to strengthen my ability to process thoughts and redevelop a mental space.
I want to quit (most of the time) - Where do I go from here?
At the moment I am struggling to develop a support system. I'm in UK, and although I respect the NHS and feel lucky to have it, they seem incapable of understanding and providing for depression and weed addiction. My GP gave me a leaflet with a phone number on it which I promptly lost, which is just the most recent in my failures to follow through with my own treatment. But thats one of the biggest symptoms, the inability to complete or see anything through (as I hope I have explained). What does drive me is an empathy for others, which is why Ive distanced myself from those who cared about me as it was unbearable that I was making people sad. But I feel like if I can start to make some new connections I can regain confidence, start to make and keep plans and become a person.
For me writing this is therapy in itself, if it may help or encourage someone great, but I'm also interested to know what people think about any part of this and for any additional advice, particularly with regards to reconnecting with the world and establishing the confidence and motivation to stick it through.
Hello Tom:
You sound like a garden variety addict/alcoholic to me.
I suggest you find out where/when your local NA and AA groups have their "open meeting"
http://ukna.org/
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
At "open meetings" the general public is welcome to attend and you will not be asked any questions. There are speakers at the meetings and you will hear your story told repeatedly.
-YOU WILL WONDER HOW THOSE SPEAKERS FOUND OUT SO MUCH ABOUT YOU !!-
You can also click on some great AA/NA/GA etc speakers here:
http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php
See if you can identify.
All the best.
Bob R
You sound like a garden variety addict/alcoholic to me.
I suggest you find out where/when your local NA and AA groups have their "open meeting"
http://ukna.org/
http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/
At "open meetings" the general public is welcome to attend and you will not be asked any questions. There are speakers at the meetings and you will hear your story told repeatedly.
-YOU WILL WONDER HOW THOSE SPEAKERS FOUND OUT SO MUCH ABOUT YOU !!-
You can also click on some great AA/NA/GA etc speakers here:
http://www.xa-speakers.org/pafiledb.php
See if you can identify.
All the best.
Bob R
