DESCRIPTION OF BOUNDARIES
RIGID
Physical:
Stuff body posture
Stoic
Uncomfortable being touched
Avoids touching or showing affection to others
Avoids physical closeness
Does not react or under-reacts
Stone face
Very predictable behavior
Emotional:
Appears insensitive to the feelings of others
Appears aloof and disinterested
Does not show feelings
Does not talk about feelings
Seems emotionally numb
Attempts to met needs and wants by themselves
Has difficulty asking for or accepting help from others
Does not react or under-reacts emotionally
Has difficulty giving or receiving from others
NO BOUNDARIES
Physical:
Does not like being alone
Touches others without asking
Allows others to touch him/her even when it is uncomfortable or inappropriate
Is not aware of own need for privacy
Imposes on the privacy of others
Allows physical space to be invaded
Over-reacts to the feelings and behavior of others
Personalizes
Behavior is influenced by others
Is unpredictable.
Emotional:
Feels everything
Feels the feelings of others
Cannot contain feelings
Over-discloses, tells too much
Is dependent on others for emotional well-being
Gets too close too fast
Feels like a victim
Experiences prolonged resentments
Is overwhelmed and preoccupied with others
Says yes when he/she wants to say no
Feels responsible for the feelings of others
Identity tied to being in an intimate relationship
Overcompensates
Expects others to meet needs
Gives too much
Takes too much
Unable to respect the rights of others
PARTIAL BOUNDARIES
Physical:
May have extremes in need for physical space
Shows characteristics of fluctuation in boundaries
May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile boundaries in others
Emotional:
Has mood swings
Is indirect
Example: Shares feelings about marriage with mother rather than with husband. Is emotionally inconsistent. May have rigid or healthy boundaries in some circumstances and fragile boundaries particularly in intimate relationships.
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Physical:
Makes physical boundary clear to others
Respects and is sensitive to the needs and rights of others
Is able to negotiate and compromise
Asks permission before touching others
Emotional:
Shares feelings appropriately and directly
Is assertive
Is interdependent
Identifies choices
Is able to make mistakes without damage without damage to self-esteem
Has an internal sense of personal identity
Can allow differentness in others
Tolerates and accepts differences of opinion without altering their own
Is sensitive to feelings of others (empathetic)
OTHER SIGNS OF UNHEALTY BOUNDARIES
Sexual:
Having sex when you do not want to
Falling in love at first sight
Intimate sharing on first meeting
Using sex as a reward or punishment
Inability to distinguish between love and sex
Manipulating another person through sex
Feeling a need to always be in a sexual relationship
Attaching self-esteem to sexual attraction
Forcing sex on someone who does not want it
Sexual abuse
Physical:
Touching others without asking
Physical intimidation
Not allowing others privacy
Not protecting your own need for privacy
Physical abuse
[B]Emotional:[B]
Verbal abuse
Making threats
Assuming I know what someone else feels
Assuming others know what I feel
Expecting others to know my needs and meet them
Assuming to know the needs of others
Insisting others to tell us how they feel
Not respecting the rights of others
Intolerance to differences in opinion
Dependence on others for my sense of well-being
Inability to ask for help
Personalizing
Need for constant reassurance from others
Going against personal values and morals to please others
Unclear about preferences
Accepting gifts that I dont want
Making material gifts the measure of anothers caring
Over giving
Frequent advice-giving with expectation that others follow it
I fit more in the "no boundaries" category than any of them.... Guess I need to work on that..... lol
the following is a piece written by melody beattie (reprinted with permission) regarding family buttons. this coupled with a whole lot of therapy, working the steps, and not using really helped me to establish some healthy boundaries in my life - a life that had run rampant and boundary free for quite some time.
i hope this helps someone who may be reading this see what an important issue boundaries play in our recovery and self discovery.
hugs all around -
sammy
______
Family Buttons
"I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to
start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to.- Anonymous"
Who knows better how to push our buttons then family members?
Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering,
relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological
tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we
change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.
Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. We can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We
can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive.
We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect
for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know
that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
i hope this helps someone who may be reading this see what an important issue boundaries play in our recovery and self discovery.
hugs all around -
sammy
______
Family Buttons
"I was thirty-five years old the first time I spoke up my mother and refused to buy into her games and manipulation. I was terribly frightened and almost couldn't believe I was doing this. I found I didn't have to be mean. I didn't have to
start an argument. But I could say what I wanted and needed to say to take care of myself. I learned I could love and honor myself, and still care about my mother - the way I wanted to - not the way she wanted me to.- Anonymous"
Who knows better how to push our buttons then family members?
Who, besides family members, do we give such power?
No matter how long we or our family members have been recovering,
relationships with family members can be provocative.
One telephone conversation can put us in an emotional and psychological
tailspin that lasts for hours or days.
Sometimes, it get worse when we begin recovery because we become even more aware of our reactions and our discomfort. That's uncomfortable, but good. It is by beginning this process of awareness and acceptance that we
change, grow, and heal.
The process of detaching in love from family members can take years. So can the process of learning how to react in a more effective way. We cannot control what they do or try to do, but we can gain some sense of control over how we choose to react.
Stop trying to make them act or treat us any differently. Unhook from their system by refusing to try to change or influence them.
Their patterns, particularly their patterns with us, are their issues. How we react, or allow these patterns to influence us, is our issue. We can love our family and still refuse their efforts to manipulate, control, or produce guilt in us.
We can take care of ourselves with family members without feeling guilty. We
can learn to be assertive with family members without being aggressive.
We can set the boundaries we need and want to set with family members without being disloyal to the family. We can learn to love our family without forfeiting love and respect
for ourselves.
Today, help me start practicing self-care with family members. Help me know
that I do not have to allow their issues to control my life, my day, or my feelings. Help me know it's okay to have all my feelings about family members, without guilt or shame.
dearest danni -
i'm of the belief that we do not come to recovery brimming with all the answers to our problems and willingness we need to find the solution to those problems. recovery is a process - not an event.
when i first viewed this list there were many of the points made in the "no boundaries" part that i fit into also. i'm so grateful that i surrounded myself with people who taught me to be patient with myself and listen and learn. a difficult task for me who thought i knew so much! *wink, wink*
when the time came, (and it's always on God's time, not mine), i slowly began to take the risk of asserting what i had learned about boundaries. i'm still learning danni and sometimes have to dig deep for the courage to do so.
if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do. i so appreciate reading your quest for a new freedom from addiction. you deserve to live a life that is happy, joyous and free. keep writing, my friend, it's a journey and know that we trudge with you.
namaste'
sammy
i'm of the belief that we do not come to recovery brimming with all the answers to our problems and willingness we need to find the solution to those problems. recovery is a process - not an event.
when i first viewed this list there were many of the points made in the "no boundaries" part that i fit into also. i'm so grateful that i surrounded myself with people who taught me to be patient with myself and listen and learn. a difficult task for me who thought i knew so much! *wink, wink*
when the time came, (and it's always on God's time, not mine), i slowly began to take the risk of asserting what i had learned about boundaries. i'm still learning danni and sometimes have to dig deep for the courage to do so.
if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do. i so appreciate reading your quest for a new freedom from addiction. you deserve to live a life that is happy, joyous and free. keep writing, my friend, it's a journey and know that we trudge with you.
namaste'
sammy
Boundaries. I have had to learn alot about them. Sometimes I do not remember. lol. Actually, I think I use how I'm doing with them as a guide. If my relationships are working and healthy, I know I am okay. If they are not I know I need some work. It fluctuates.
Wishing you all wellness during this time. I know this time can be a challenge with family around and houseguests who don't leave. (lol vinny)
Look to see where your boundary issues are and if they need revamping,
the new year is coming!
Peace,
PM
Wishing you all wellness during this time. I know this time can be a challenge with family around and houseguests who don't leave. (lol vinny)
Look to see where your boundary issues are and if they need revamping,
the new year is coming!
Peace,
PM
Sammy, your post just made my week.
I'm going to print it up and read it a hundred times today....
I needed that...
I'm going to print it up and read it a hundred times today....
I needed that...
Hi Sammy,
Hope you had a great Christmas.
This list is interesting. When I had a forensic analize me, he said I was rigid. Now looking at the list I have to agree, I also think I've gotten so much better too. I was 100% that way for most of my life. I'm coming out of it slowly but surely I guess. I always hated being touched and always felt numb. I still hate talking about feelings. lol, that bothers me the most in counseling.
I'm sure as addicts we all have emotional problems to some extent.
I had always felt that God has been working on me. Just sometimes it seemed too slow, too many years feeling dead. I know though, everything is in His timing. Not ours.
Love,
Liz
Hope you had a great Christmas.
This list is interesting. When I had a forensic analize me, he said I was rigid. Now looking at the list I have to agree, I also think I've gotten so much better too. I was 100% that way for most of my life. I'm coming out of it slowly but surely I guess. I always hated being touched and always felt numb. I still hate talking about feelings. lol, that bothers me the most in counseling.
I'm sure as addicts we all have emotional problems to some extent.
I had always felt that God has been working on me. Just sometimes it seemed too slow, too many years feeling dead. I know though, everything is in His timing. Not ours.
Love,
Liz
thank you...I am glad that you reiterated that it is a process....not an event...I am glad to remember that I am not supposed to have it all yet..
my kids are making me nuts...thanks for the reminder..
kerry
my kids are making me nuts...thanks for the reminder..
kerry
and my heart thanks you kerry for reminding me too.
see how that works? we need each other!
i love you -
sammy
