HI Kristy, it sounds like he's in denial. We addicts try our best to manage on our own, without involving too many people (Non-addicts that is) in our mess. We kid ourselves that we can cope with it, we can control it on our own. This is a complete illusion. We do not have any self control when it comes to smack. Your b/f has probably been trying to sheild you from the truth, and also has been sheilding himself from the truth.
I don't envy you, coz he's probably going to rip your heart out if you stay with him. If he gets on a script then he might have a chance. Some people on this site have gone cold turkey (that means getting clean with no medication to help you), but to do that takes lots of committment (it all takes committment, but c/t is the worst) coz although the worst physical withdrawals are over in about 10 days, you feel very different, and rather uncomfortable for a long time. Going onto a script means that you don't go through bad withdrawals and only really suffer while your dosage is being worked out through trial and error, which is normally sorted out within a few days. I've tried methadone (for years!) and subutex (6 days!), and I feel much more human on subutex. I really would recommend it, but you have to take them exactly as prescribed to get the best out of them.
I wish you and your b/f the very best of luck.
Diff
kristy,
as addicts we tend to lie and make up excuses for just about everything. him lying about what he uses is because he is ashamed. i hate that i'm an addict. it took me forever to even admitt it to myself, let alone anyone else. still very few know about my problem. i have been clean for about two weeks now, i did it cold turkey at home. i have had a few slip ups but i'm still trying hard. if he wants to be clean then he will do it. he won't do it for you or anyone else. it may sound harsh, but in an addicts eyes, nothing else matters but ourselves when we are sick(dope sick) when it comes down to it, getting clean may not be worth it to him, being high and functioning is better than being sick and not able to do anything. i hope you understand what i'm saying. i'm not saying the drugs are a better life, but when your stuck in them(drugs) thats how you think. i hope the best for you and him and i hope one day he will find his way out of this chaos.
raerae
as addicts we tend to lie and make up excuses for just about everything. him lying about what he uses is because he is ashamed. i hate that i'm an addict. it took me forever to even admitt it to myself, let alone anyone else. still very few know about my problem. i have been clean for about two weeks now, i did it cold turkey at home. i have had a few slip ups but i'm still trying hard. if he wants to be clean then he will do it. he won't do it for you or anyone else. it may sound harsh, but in an addicts eyes, nothing else matters but ourselves when we are sick(dope sick) when it comes down to it, getting clean may not be worth it to him, being high and functioning is better than being sick and not able to do anything. i hope you understand what i'm saying. i'm not saying the drugs are a better life, but when your stuck in them(drugs) thats how you think. i hope the best for you and him and i hope one day he will find his way out of this chaos.
raerae
Hi everyone
It is so hard to be the non addict - my oartner has a life which i dont understand, and never could. I love him with my whole being, even need him to breath. I have tried so hard to talk about his addiction, and sometimes he will talk - othertimes not - i never know quite where i stand. We are separated now, but every waking moment i love him and miss him. He has been clean for 2 yrs - was H addict for 14yrs. He is 30. he has been in and out of jail so many times, i never know which sentence he was talking about. He has a horrendous childhood, so he believes. I duno i think mine was a tad worse, but we can compare the hurts. he felt abandonned by his dad - rejected by his mum - out on the streets with wrong peeps and no one to really care who he was with where he was etc even from the age of 5. Crime was a big factor, the age of raves and drugs came out to play, the drug usage moved on and opn until its the biggie, H. It wasnt long before he was addicted, and then 14 yrs of stuff that he doesnt actually remember too well. He took H to numb every single emotion anger, happiness, tiredness, feeling awake, hungry thirsty...the list is endless. then he was given a big sentence for armed robbery.Got 7 yrs, came out and decided to clean up. then i met him and fell for what i thought was the man of my dreams. he was so ashamed of his past the crime violence and ofcourse his addiction.I probably didnt handle him telling me what he had done very well.I was shocked. Still, i stayed with him though. But what i didnt realise was the emotional side of him - the emotions had been hidden with drugs for such a long time he fouind common situations hard to handle. He loves me, and my children,no doubt. But he is insecure, jealous doesnt trust me. Then he puts these emotions on me to deal with and passes the blame on to me.My fault for being pretty, or wearing a black top, tight jeans, going to the shop...i could go on. So he ends our relationship on a regular basis! and has aagin - 3 weeks have passed. One day i get a txt to say he loves me, the next he hates me, nx all his fault, nx all mine. I have found out i am carrying his baby, and it may seem so evil, but i have not told him. How can i? he is in recovery yes, but is not recovered. If i go back, i face the constantness of the insecurites, and i just cant do it. I love him so much and i have tried every avenue i can to seek answers, but i suppose i have just got to accept that he wont change. or will he? I want to believe that he will, and we can have a life. Can someone tell me if what he is going through with the trust issues and insecurities is a pattern of the drug use? Is that what its all down to?
It is so hard to be the non addict - my oartner has a life which i dont understand, and never could. I love him with my whole being, even need him to breath. I have tried so hard to talk about his addiction, and sometimes he will talk - othertimes not - i never know quite where i stand. We are separated now, but every waking moment i love him and miss him. He has been clean for 2 yrs - was H addict for 14yrs. He is 30. he has been in and out of jail so many times, i never know which sentence he was talking about. He has a horrendous childhood, so he believes. I duno i think mine was a tad worse, but we can compare the hurts. he felt abandonned by his dad - rejected by his mum - out on the streets with wrong peeps and no one to really care who he was with where he was etc even from the age of 5. Crime was a big factor, the age of raves and drugs came out to play, the drug usage moved on and opn until its the biggie, H. It wasnt long before he was addicted, and then 14 yrs of stuff that he doesnt actually remember too well. He took H to numb every single emotion anger, happiness, tiredness, feeling awake, hungry thirsty...the list is endless. then he was given a big sentence for armed robbery.Got 7 yrs, came out and decided to clean up. then i met him and fell for what i thought was the man of my dreams. he was so ashamed of his past the crime violence and ofcourse his addiction.I probably didnt handle him telling me what he had done very well.I was shocked. Still, i stayed with him though. But what i didnt realise was the emotional side of him - the emotions had been hidden with drugs for such a long time he fouind common situations hard to handle. He loves me, and my children,no doubt. But he is insecure, jealous doesnt trust me. Then he puts these emotions on me to deal with and passes the blame on to me.My fault for being pretty, or wearing a black top, tight jeans, going to the shop...i could go on. So he ends our relationship on a regular basis! and has aagin - 3 weeks have passed. One day i get a txt to say he loves me, the next he hates me, nx all his fault, nx all mine. I have found out i am carrying his baby, and it may seem so evil, but i have not told him. How can i? he is in recovery yes, but is not recovered. If i go back, i face the constantness of the insecurites, and i just cant do it. I love him so much and i have tried every avenue i can to seek answers, but i suppose i have just got to accept that he wont change. or will he? I want to believe that he will, and we can have a life. Can someone tell me if what he is going through with the trust issues and insecurities is a pattern of the drug use? Is that what its all down to?
Hi Apple,Im sorry I cant answer any of your questions,Im in the same boat as the man you are talking about,I just wanted to let you know that your post touched my heart and I hope that you do find the answers that you are looking for.
Thankyou Chad for your reply. Its not easy loving him, it really isnt. He wants to meet up today to see me, i wish i had the strength to say no. Maybe I can. He needs to do this on his own, but somewhere behind him (even if he doesnt know it) i will be there waiting and praying he will recover. I want to help him with the 12 steps, but he doesnt think they work for him? At the Fam Anon meetings i have gone to, they all say that an addict will recovery, they will never be an ex-addict, but to recovery physically and emotionally they will need to work the 12 steps. I am now realising that for myself. I am scared that if i see him that i will tell him that i am having his baby. I love him so much and want us to work, but i also know that as a pregnant woman, i cannot carry his emotional baggage as well as my own silly pregnancy emotions!!! So maybe i will see him, which will inevetibly rip my heart out all over again, and maybe i will be the strong person that i should be and refuse to see him again?
raerae - your life could be mine - I'm 38 when I turned 37 I left my husband for a 21 year old and through him became a herion addict. Only I lost my husband as well as my children ages 17 & 3. I also lost my teaching certification. Yes I was an elementry teacher! I went through detox around 4 times always going back to the drug, I also went to rehab but again herion won out. I now have been clean for over 112 days and trying to get my children back. When I quit this time it was cold turky and yes I hurt like hell and I found even the pain goes away with time. It got to the point that I was using just to feel normal - I just wanted to feel normal ! I'm now trying to feel normal without using and I pray that I never go back again. It was to the point that I couln't get out of bed without a shot of "MR. Jones" as I called it. Now "MR. Jones" only comes in my dreams - Sometimes I wake up with the feeling so real that I had just shot up that I would check my arms just to be sure I hadn't. He doen't come as often - I am now able to sleep through the night - Thank God -
I know how you feel and would like for you to write me back - it's nice to talk with someone whos been there
Dawn
I know how you feel and would like for you to write me back - it's nice to talk with someone whos been there
Dawn
Hi Kristy, I too felt "stupid/ignorant/gullable" when I first found out, and felt like the last one. Though he denied it, of course... Though I had ransacked his apt. and found an old bag of needles, who will he blame that one on ? He couldn't deny it at that point. That was over 5 and a half years ago. Since we've been together he has good chunks of time without relapsing, though he relapsed last spring, and it was the worst. He had stolen from me, and it wasn't pretty. Throughout our rel. he had never crossed that line therefor led me to beleive he was way way way out of control, and his relapse was damn f***in serious. I didn't know him anymore as he had become someone unrecognizable even to himself. We split for a a few months and it was so necessary (though that may not be your case). It was making both of us sick as what he was doing was hurting us both. He was releived when I found out as he didn't have to put all these energies into hiding that sceret anymore, I also told his sister who loves him dearly, and he was also releived and not angry with me. I really think everyone needs to make their own decisions for themselves. Idon't all the details which tie you together though do know you need to set limits in your life. Personally stealing is a really deep no no for me in my life, and that was a major trigger for change in both of our lives, especially in his route to recovery. I'm rambling now, Good luck, and take care of you!!!!!! D
dawn,
i think you have me confused with someone else. anyways, its great to hear how long you have been clean. i hope you can get your kids back too. good luck to you.
raerae
i think you have me confused with someone else. anyways, its great to hear how long you have been clean. i hope you can get your kids back too. good luck to you.
raerae
dont we all run towards pleasure and run away from pain? Its a chemical and so are we, Isnt H manufactured to make you feel this way?
Some of us can only derive pleasure through the expiation of pain. If indeed H is
Satan's personal manufacture it would attest to the torturous suffering of those enslaved to it. We are much more than a chemical as is our synthetic counterpart and far more expendable in our human vulnerability.
Satan's personal manufacture it would attest to the torturous suffering of those enslaved to it. We are much more than a chemical as is our synthetic counterpart and far more expendable in our human vulnerability.
I dont want anyone here to think that I am hollier than thou. My sister is going out with an addict, she is 17 Im 35. She has admitted (to another sister)that she has tried it and that she has tried to finish with her boyfriend twice, twice he overdosed. She buys H for him and his mother. My family are treating her like, well like everyone else who does not understand and is scared, when she goes home she is called a smackhead, they dont make it easy for her to stay there. She goes to his house, they are pleased to see her. Since she has offered to take a random drug test she has not been home. I dont live there, I live on the other side of the world. She does not know that I know.I want her to come and live with me for a while, and nearly talked her into it. But, get this, my family talked her out of it. I come to this site everyday to try and understand.
Can anybody offer any advise please?
Can anybody offer any advise please?
thank you all so much for replying to me. thanks for taking your time and trying to help. My bf is in rehab now and is comming home in a week. Even though he's the one who broke down to his parents that he wanted help, i'm scared he will start using again when he comes home. Only time will tell. thank you all so much. Love , Kris
Dear Ladies,
This is an awesome thread and a good topic. When I was using I was never with a non-addict. I felt that no one but an addict could ever understand me. I pushed non-users away. Also, I'm pretty certain that a non-addict would never have wanted anything to do with me. Once this man told me (an addict, and we were both trying to stay clean at the time) that a human can never compete with a drug, the drug will always win. He said "you can't compete with my cocaine and I can't compete with your heroin". This proved true over and over again in many of my relationships.
I've always wondered if a recovering addict is better off with another recovering addict, as no one person will ever empathize with an addict the way another addict can. But what happens if one of you is having a difficult time in recovery? How will that affect the other? And what if one relapses, does that make it more likely that the other may relapse as well? What is the answer?
My bf of 4 years is not an addict. He is a dreadlocked-hippy guy who drinks some and sometimes smokes marijuana. But I've never been treated so well in my life. He never lectured me, never made me feel inferior or ashamed. He made it possible for me to trust him so if I was having problems or using I didn't have to lie to him. I could tell him anything.
Yet, during our relationship, I did many deceitful things. I cheated and lied some. He would say "we'll have to work on this (my using). I'm here for you, little mama, and I'm not going anywhere." At the same time he couldn't stand to see me sick and would sometimes give me money.
Maybe it just depends on the individual as a person.
It's great to see all the women communicating like this. All of you sound so amazingly strong, intelligent, and compassionate. Let's us keep it going.
My love to the fairer sex,
h-girl
This is an awesome thread and a good topic. When I was using I was never with a non-addict. I felt that no one but an addict could ever understand me. I pushed non-users away. Also, I'm pretty certain that a non-addict would never have wanted anything to do with me. Once this man told me (an addict, and we were both trying to stay clean at the time) that a human can never compete with a drug, the drug will always win. He said "you can't compete with my cocaine and I can't compete with your heroin". This proved true over and over again in many of my relationships.
I've always wondered if a recovering addict is better off with another recovering addict, as no one person will ever empathize with an addict the way another addict can. But what happens if one of you is having a difficult time in recovery? How will that affect the other? And what if one relapses, does that make it more likely that the other may relapse as well? What is the answer?
My bf of 4 years is not an addict. He is a dreadlocked-hippy guy who drinks some and sometimes smokes marijuana. But I've never been treated so well in my life. He never lectured me, never made me feel inferior or ashamed. He made it possible for me to trust him so if I was having problems or using I didn't have to lie to him. I could tell him anything.
Yet, during our relationship, I did many deceitful things. I cheated and lied some. He would say "we'll have to work on this (my using). I'm here for you, little mama, and I'm not going anywhere." At the same time he couldn't stand to see me sick and would sometimes give me money.
Maybe it just depends on the individual as a person.
It's great to see all the women communicating like this. All of you sound so amazingly strong, intelligent, and compassionate. Let's us keep it going.
My love to the fairer sex,
h-girl
All I know is that as someone who spent a lot of time getting wasted on smack, I have so little patience with my b/f, who seems to have a panic attack if he thinks he's regaining consciousness enough to hold a coherent conversation. Maybe that's more to do with his personality than his addiction, but I really find him truely pathetic. His self pitying whining turns my stomach. There are times (tonight is one of them) where I despise him. Even his touch makes my skin crawl. I recoil away from him as if it burns. The way he refuses to take control of anything, it's made me lose all respect for him. I think that all the time I was using, I was doing it to blot out how unhappy I am in this relationship. Now I've nothing to hide behind. I have to get out but I don't know how. I've no-one to help me and no money of my own. I've also got my dog, who, being a rottweiler, tends to put potential landlords off. How did I let it get this bad? I wonder if it is at all redeemable, but in my heart I know it's over. I just can't bring myself to tell him. I think I've paid my dues now.
Where's my fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and make all this mess disappear, and whisk me away, to some place happy, where I can find someone who'll love me the way I need to be loved.
love
diff
xox
Where's my fairy godmother to wave her magic wand and make all this mess disappear, and whisk me away, to some place happy, where I can find someone who'll love me the way I need to be loved.
love
diff
xox
Diff, You're facing a lot of s*** at once, and I wish I had that wand, but I don't! There are a lot of hurdles, some bigger than others though don't give up! There are as many reasons to do so & even more, though will never give you what you really want. Peace!!! Is social Insurance/ unemployment insurance an option? You have paid your dues, you've done three life sentences!!!!! The more important changes may happen now & soon down the road. It sounds hard as your finances are dependent upon him. P.S. You will get the love you want in return, be patient & learn how to give some of it to yourself!!!
Ploar Bear Hug, D
Ploar Bear Hug, D
Dora,You are such a kind dear person. I feel as if I'm in the pit of Hell right now, but your words helped. I just don't think I can do this. I don't think I'm up to it. I wish more than anything I could run home to my mum, but she's so far away. I feel so completely alone.
diff
diff
Diff
You are not alone. You have to know that there are a lot of people on this board who really care about you and what happens to you. It may be a lot of words on a screen, but there are real people behind those words so just remember that. Don't give up Diff - you are doing so great. I can relate to the situation you are in, but you will get out of it. It may seem hopeless, but it's not. I was in a bad relationship before and I mean bad and I thought I had no way out. No way to afford an apartment on my own. No one to help me or understand what I was going through. I have a dog as well to worry about so it was hard to find apartments that would allow him (he's a really big boxer). But it finally got so bad, that I really had no choice but to leave and do something. I found a place that I wasn't sure I could actually afford, but it worked out. I ended up surprised at how easier it ended up being. I had made it out in my mind to be this unsurmountable challenge that I couldn't do, but once I finally did it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted and a tremendous relief. Then when I look back on it, I can't believe how long I waited to do it because of my fears of going on my own.
Then I met (or remet really - we went out years ago) my current boyfriend. Even though he's going through this s***, he completely respects and loves me and treats me like gold. He's on the sub now by the way and it's working great for him. He started last Friday and he's going to try and stop using it by next week sometime because he doesn't want to be on anything and it seems the longer you are on it, the worse the withdrawals will be to get off it. I'm a little worried about it, but he's determined and I support him wholeheartedly. I can't believe how well he's doing.
I'm telling you that because it is out there for you Diff, but you won't find it stuck in an unhappy situation. I want you to know that there is something better out there for you and you deserve to have that. You just have to go out and get it. Maybe think of it this way - all that money that you would spend going back to your D, spend on finding yourself a new place and getting out. Trust me - it will be worth it to you in the end.
Don't give up!! You can get through this and you deserve it for yourself - you're a great person Diff!
Good luck and I'm thinking of you!
Mickey
You are not alone. You have to know that there are a lot of people on this board who really care about you and what happens to you. It may be a lot of words on a screen, but there are real people behind those words so just remember that. Don't give up Diff - you are doing so great. I can relate to the situation you are in, but you will get out of it. It may seem hopeless, but it's not. I was in a bad relationship before and I mean bad and I thought I had no way out. No way to afford an apartment on my own. No one to help me or understand what I was going through. I have a dog as well to worry about so it was hard to find apartments that would allow him (he's a really big boxer). But it finally got so bad, that I really had no choice but to leave and do something. I found a place that I wasn't sure I could actually afford, but it worked out. I ended up surprised at how easier it ended up being. I had made it out in my mind to be this unsurmountable challenge that I couldn't do, but once I finally did it, it was like a huge weight had been lifted and a tremendous relief. Then when I look back on it, I can't believe how long I waited to do it because of my fears of going on my own.
Then I met (or remet really - we went out years ago) my current boyfriend. Even though he's going through this s***, he completely respects and loves me and treats me like gold. He's on the sub now by the way and it's working great for him. He started last Friday and he's going to try and stop using it by next week sometime because he doesn't want to be on anything and it seems the longer you are on it, the worse the withdrawals will be to get off it. I'm a little worried about it, but he's determined and I support him wholeheartedly. I can't believe how well he's doing.
I'm telling you that because it is out there for you Diff, but you won't find it stuck in an unhappy situation. I want you to know that there is something better out there for you and you deserve to have that. You just have to go out and get it. Maybe think of it this way - all that money that you would spend going back to your D, spend on finding yourself a new place and getting out. Trust me - it will be worth it to you in the end.
Don't give up!! You can get through this and you deserve it for yourself - you're a great person Diff!
Good luck and I'm thinking of you!
Mickey
Dear Diff, There is a way out. It must make it an extra challenge that you do not have family close by to go to, though there are many people on this board and in life who left very sad situations with nothing though beleived there was better out there. You can be one of them. Look at what supports you have in place and may need to make that move. They may not be family but strong enough to help you through the changes you are contemplating.Mickey is right in the fact that some chnges may appear impossible and horrifying, though once in the process and done they aren't as impossible as our minds have worked them out to be. You can do this, maybe not today at this moment, and maybe sooner than you think but you can do this!!!! Don't let fear paralyze or hold you back from the happiness that you can have. Gotta run, check in later. Love D
