i know that many of you here aren't addicts, and my heart goes out you all of you suffering and searching for answers to help you loved ones. Its just so hard for me to understand where you are coming from, most of you are so angry. some of you try to understand us{addicts} but how can/could you really understand, if you haven't been here. i wish there was an anwser to the way we have become, who/what we are and why we let this evil overcome our every being. why we turn away from our loved ones and why we continue to hurt you over and over.we can all argue about this being a diesase or whatever you think it is. but wen it all comes down to it we are all suffering. this drug changes everything we once were and what we once wanted to be. i don't even know who i am any more. i'm a shell of a person, overcome with this addiction. i have tried over and over to beat this but i have failed every time. i pray that someday i can find my way out of this dark hole i have been in for so long. and i pray for each of you. suffering as an addict or the ones who have been hurt by an addict. maybe one day we can all find the peace we all deserve.
raerae
Dear Raerae, You're right it is hard to understand what the other person is going through when you haven't had those same experiences. I realized that a while ago. Though there are times when my bf and I are having a heated discussion that I need to remind myself of that and take a couple steps back. I do my best to be respectful of what he is struggling with, and try to be helpful when I can. Raerae, don't give up! Although I have not gone into deep details in previous posts my bf was a user for 10 yrs. before I met him. He was in a relationship with a woman who also used heroin. About a year after we were going out he relapsed and everything came out. During our 5 yr. relationship he had relapsed several times, the last was the hardest I saw. I geusse my point is that I've heard of a lot of people who do relapse many times before they get it straight. I know you've read and heard this before, but don't give up! Some people need to try 30 times, 50 times etc... before they get clean. I have no idea what it's like to be on heroin and addicted to it so I will deffinitely not say that I know that battle on a personal level. Although I was angry with my bf when he totally lost it on his last relapse, it was more sad. He is clean now(early stages) it took him sooo many times, though I've never seen him stronger! I Raerae Keep at it! It may take you several more times. Though if it does before that time happens, you would of never known if you stopped trying! All the Best, Doar
I feel like I could have written the myself raerae, I have felt like that so much, the story of my life. Someone has to believe in us though, cause we'll never find our way out if everyone gives up on us.....
maybe tomorrow, before they all give up on me :o)
nzchick
maybe tomorrow, before they all give up on me :o)
nzchick
Raerae if you dont mind me asking how long have you been using for, cos to me it seems like you have had enough, everytime i read a post from you i think to myself she sounds like a strong person, wise, you give hope and encouragement. I just hope you end up the way you want to be because you really do deserve it.
thanks to all who have responded. its nice to know that i'm not alone.
skins,
i have used off and on since i was 13yrs old. so about 10 yrs or so. i'm so fed up with htis addiction. i was clean for a while, till last september. i blew out my knee and was put on vicodin. well i started to eat them like candy and turned to H cause its cheaper. well here i am 1 year later and using. i really do want to stop, i need to stop not for me but for my little ones. the only problem is i can't take care of them sick{withdrawling}. they never see me high{sh** i don't even get high anymore, just normal} but its time to end this. i must and i will.
thanks for listening
raerae
skins,
i have used off and on since i was 13yrs old. so about 10 yrs or so. i'm so fed up with htis addiction. i was clean for a while, till last september. i blew out my knee and was put on vicodin. well i started to eat them like candy and turned to H cause its cheaper. well here i am 1 year later and using. i really do want to stop, i need to stop not for me but for my little ones. the only problem is i can't take care of them sick{withdrawling}. they never see me high{sh** i don't even get high anymore, just normal} but its time to end this. i must and i will.
thanks for listening
raerae
RAERAE,
If there is so much strife contrast and pain between the addict and the non addict then do you believe that the best partner for an active addict would be a addict as well as opposed to a non addict ? Is it possible for two addicts to experience love between them or is their addcition the commonality that keeps them together? Do they love the substance more than they love each other ?
My girlfriend uses but i don't and she seems to love the heroin and i love her but who loves me? Would she be better off with a man who uses and could understand her more ? I have asked her many times this same question and she has been in past relationships with partners that used but she really prefers to be with me because i don't have an addiction. I am so confused because most of the distance between us is due to the lying and lack of trust that comes with her addiction and she will run off and hang out with her "using friends" but still claims she loves me although it seems at times she hates me because i don't use. Please show some pity for we non addicts because we love the addicts but we want to be loved also
NUMB
If there is so much strife contrast and pain between the addict and the non addict then do you believe that the best partner for an active addict would be a addict as well as opposed to a non addict ? Is it possible for two addicts to experience love between them or is their addcition the commonality that keeps them together? Do they love the substance more than they love each other ?
My girlfriend uses but i don't and she seems to love the heroin and i love her but who loves me? Would she be better off with a man who uses and could understand her more ? I have asked her many times this same question and she has been in past relationships with partners that used but she really prefers to be with me because i don't have an addiction. I am so confused because most of the distance between us is due to the lying and lack of trust that comes with her addiction and she will run off and hang out with her "using friends" but still claims she loves me although it seems at times she hates me because i don't use. Please show some pity for we non addicts because we love the addicts but we want to be loved also
NUMB
Numb,
I never thought it like that until i read your post, i am the addict and i belive that an addict is better off to be with a non addict. My boyfriend is not a user and he used to get so fraustrated with me he has hit me a couple of times because of drugs, i dont condone what he done but i can understand it must be awful watching loved ones basically kill themselves, but then you do get some people that look their noses down wnd snap out about "us addicts" a non addict will never understand what it is like for an addict but they should know that it is not that easy to come away from. I hate the non addicts that make us addicts feel worthless like we dont deserve to live a normal life we made one mistake so thats it for us, i dont care if they keep repeating the same mistake they are still a human being and we deserve to be here just as much as anyone else, if i cut your hand and you draw red blood you are normal to me i dont care if you are stuck in a rut if that person needs a friend im there, some people need to take a step back and take a look at there own lives, some people can be hurtful and then some are sweet and understanding, so you keep bieng that person if you love her be there for her just dont get the p*** taken out of you dont let your love be taken for granted.
I never thought it like that until i read your post, i am the addict and i belive that an addict is better off to be with a non addict. My boyfriend is not a user and he used to get so fraustrated with me he has hit me a couple of times because of drugs, i dont condone what he done but i can understand it must be awful watching loved ones basically kill themselves, but then you do get some people that look their noses down wnd snap out about "us addicts" a non addict will never understand what it is like for an addict but they should know that it is not that easy to come away from. I hate the non addicts that make us addicts feel worthless like we dont deserve to live a normal life we made one mistake so thats it for us, i dont care if they keep repeating the same mistake they are still a human being and we deserve to be here just as much as anyone else, if i cut your hand and you draw red blood you are normal to me i dont care if you are stuck in a rut if that person needs a friend im there, some people need to take a step back and take a look at there own lives, some people can be hurtful and then some are sweet and understanding, so you keep bieng that person if you love her be there for her just dont get the p*** taken out of you dont let your love be taken for granted.
Raerae,
Anothor question if you dont mind me asking how do you do the H? I know what it is like being ill and trying to look after children, i have a 10 month old baby and when i was rattling lookin after him was impossible, in the end i had to hand him over to my mum i knew it was the best choice (better off to her then social services or a foster home) i also knew i was not ready to come off the H and had an understanding with my parents that i would only come for him when i was clean. He has been with her for 4 months but i have seen him everyday i used to take him for the night once a week to give my mum a break. I the end when i got fed up with using it got that bad that putting the tube in my mouth made me heave i went to a drug centre called cascade and they got social services involved im clean but they want my son to stay there while i do my subs, but that is alright cos i stay there to so it doesnt matter, but i have got that help haven't you got anyone to help you or dont you feel quite ready to come off it yet, where r u from can u get subutex there? well if you ever need to talk im here, everyone seems nice on this forum but you have relly stuck out to me as well as herion girl i enjoy reading your posts take care darling xx
Anothor question if you dont mind me asking how do you do the H? I know what it is like being ill and trying to look after children, i have a 10 month old baby and when i was rattling lookin after him was impossible, in the end i had to hand him over to my mum i knew it was the best choice (better off to her then social services or a foster home) i also knew i was not ready to come off the H and had an understanding with my parents that i would only come for him when i was clean. He has been with her for 4 months but i have seen him everyday i used to take him for the night once a week to give my mum a break. I the end when i got fed up with using it got that bad that putting the tube in my mouth made me heave i went to a drug centre called cascade and they got social services involved im clean but they want my son to stay there while i do my subs, but that is alright cos i stay there to so it doesnt matter, but i have got that help haven't you got anyone to help you or dont you feel quite ready to come off it yet, where r u from can u get subutex there? well if you ever need to talk im here, everyone seems nice on this forum but you have relly stuck out to me as well as herion girl i enjoy reading your posts take care darling xx
Raerae,
I am not a user, but the mother of a user (16 yrs.old daughter) and you gave me good advice. Please don't give up, anyone who is as caring as you seem to be in your posts deserves a good life. I will never give up on my daughter, please don't give up on yourself. I don't know what you are going through, but do whatever it takes to give yourself the life you and your children deserve.
Good luck and stay stay strong,
missy3
I am not a user, but the mother of a user (16 yrs.old daughter) and you gave me good advice. Please don't give up, anyone who is as caring as you seem to be in your posts deserves a good life. I will never give up on my daughter, please don't give up on yourself. I don't know what you are going through, but do whatever it takes to give yourself the life you and your children deserve.
Good luck and stay stay strong,
missy3
numb, skins, missy,
numb- i do not feel pity for anyone, we all chose the life we live. i chose to use and now i pay for my choices. you chose an addict and i will not feel pity for you. i am married to a man who i love dearly and he loves me more than words could say, i love him more than any drug. he is an occasional user, not heavy or even addicted. i really don't know if it is better to be with an addict or a non addict. i don't think it matters, all you need is love. i belive that love is more powerful than any substance{drug} i do however feel that being with a non addicted does give a better chance of stopping{using}
skins- my choice of using is snorting. i only wish i could turn to my parents for help. my mom would loose it, my dad died of a H od when i was 18yr old. my inlaws, well they would try to take my kids from me. my husband is here for me, but he works long hours 6 days a week. and isn't able to take off work, my habit is costly!
missy- thank you for the kind words. i only hope your daughter is able to find her way out of this. with a mother like you she should. good luck and thanks for the kind words.
thank you to all who have replied
raerae
numb- i do not feel pity for anyone, we all chose the life we live. i chose to use and now i pay for my choices. you chose an addict and i will not feel pity for you. i am married to a man who i love dearly and he loves me more than words could say, i love him more than any drug. he is an occasional user, not heavy or even addicted. i really don't know if it is better to be with an addict or a non addict. i don't think it matters, all you need is love. i belive that love is more powerful than any substance{drug} i do however feel that being with a non addicted does give a better chance of stopping{using}
skins- my choice of using is snorting. i only wish i could turn to my parents for help. my mom would loose it, my dad died of a H od when i was 18yr old. my inlaws, well they would try to take my kids from me. my husband is here for me, but he works long hours 6 days a week. and isn't able to take off work, my habit is costly!
missy- thank you for the kind words. i only hope your daughter is able to find her way out of this. with a mother like you she should. good luck and thanks for the kind words.
thank you to all who have replied
raerae
i thought this was really cool
Numb, I think an addict definitely needs to be with a non-addict. My husband has never tried a drug in his life... of course, this makes it hard for him to understand me at times, but it also keeps me alive. A few years ago, when I was 26, we broke up for 3 months. I dated "my twin" or so-to-speak... He was young, handsome, and loved to party as much as I did (who am I kidding.. he was 100 worse than me). We would sit up all night, doing drugs, drinking, going to clubs. Up until then, I would only do drugs if I was out with my friends, but with him it was all day, every day. We would go to bed high and wake up high.
Then one day I realized "I'm not 20 any more" (like he was)... I went back to my husband. It hasn't been easy... I am only 10 days clean of pain pills and I have done coke once since then..... but having someone "trying" to keep me on the straight and narrow protects me from myself. When I'm scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush or vacuming at 3am, my husband would know I took a bunch of vics and I'd know I was in trouble. Sometimes he would get mad, sometimes he would just give me that "I'm so disappointed look"... but even when I was swallowing pills by the handful, I knew that I wanted to be a better person because of him.
And that young good looking guy I dated back in 2000? He died 7 months later of a drug overdose - dead at the age of 21. He and I always said that we were so much alike - we brought out the best in each other and we brought out the worst in each other, too.
Sorry for the long post
Then one day I realized "I'm not 20 any more" (like he was)... I went back to my husband. It hasn't been easy... I am only 10 days clean of pain pills and I have done coke once since then..... but having someone "trying" to keep me on the straight and narrow protects me from myself. When I'm scrubbing the floors with a toothbrush or vacuming at 3am, my husband would know I took a bunch of vics and I'd know I was in trouble. Sometimes he would get mad, sometimes he would just give me that "I'm so disappointed look"... but even when I was swallowing pills by the handful, I knew that I wanted to be a better person because of him.
And that young good looking guy I dated back in 2000? He died 7 months later of a drug overdose - dead at the age of 21. He and I always said that we were so much alike - we brought out the best in each other and we brought out the worst in each other, too.
Sorry for the long post
I don't know the answer but I'm still with the guy I was at the start of my addiction, and he has an addiction too. It drives me nuts sometimes coz I'm stronger than he is. He's not using now only coz I absolutely will not let it happen, and there's absolutely no way he could do coz I account for every penny that's spent. The only reason we are both clean is because of my grit and determination, not his. He's never supported me in my attempts to get clean, even turning up at at treatment centre I was in with H on him. I didn't stand a chance. I left the treatment centre soon after, coz I knew it was hopeless. And I asked him to try and talk me out of scoring but whenever it happened he was keener than I was! So no that didn't help me. But he does understand what I'm going through and never condemned me for using (how could he?). But it's probably twice as hard to get clean when you're living with another addict.
Now I still love him, and he adores me so I hope it was more than the drugs that stuck us together. Sometimes I have doubts myself, coz l'm tied to him financially, and I'd be basically destitute without him. But I do care for him, and I don't blame him for getting me hooked. Perhaps I should, but that just seems like I'd be shouldering a burden when I don't have to. I'm not a bitter person.
Best wishes
Diff
Now I still love him, and he adores me so I hope it was more than the drugs that stuck us together. Sometimes I have doubts myself, coz l'm tied to him financially, and I'd be basically destitute without him. But I do care for him, and I don't blame him for getting me hooked. Perhaps I should, but that just seems like I'd be shouldering a burden when I don't have to. I'm not a bitter person.
Best wishes
Diff
Hey diff,
I was a heroin addict, married to a heroin addict for 2 years and we just couldnt get off it. I would go to rehab or on methadone and then be so determined not to use and he would weaken and score and then i couldn't say no. the next day I had to have more but he was like "no you can't, you'll get addicted" but the urge was always to strong. So he kept getting me back on it and i kept keeping him on it. bad cycle. hope you can be4 strong enough for the both of you
Hugs
Charmed
I was a heroin addict, married to a heroin addict for 2 years and we just couldnt get off it. I would go to rehab or on methadone and then be so determined not to use and he would weaken and score and then i couldn't say no. the next day I had to have more but he was like "no you can't, you'll get addicted" but the urge was always to strong. So he kept getting me back on it and i kept keeping him on it. bad cycle. hope you can be4 strong enough for the both of you
Hugs
Charmed
Hi Charmed, I recognise the same patterns in our behaviour. My b/f was very ill during the early part of the year, and was in hospital for 3 months, and I only used twice during that whole time. A few weeks after he came out I was using nearly everyday again, but I managed to pull things together, and we have both now stopped completely. He's on a 'done script and I have just swapped to sub, and I really feel good.
I'm absolutely murdering this spliff so I'm gonna go rescue it!
Love diff
I'm absolutely murdering this spliff so I'm gonna go rescue it!
Love diff
Hey diff,
Glad you guys are doing well! I think the hardest thing about trying to quit with your partner is that often when one of you crave, instead of the other one being strong and stopping both from using, the craver convinces the other one to use. Messed up and a hard pattern to stop. I hope all goes well for ya diff!
Hugs
Charmed
Glad you guys are doing well! I think the hardest thing about trying to quit with your partner is that often when one of you crave, instead of the other one being strong and stopping both from using, the craver convinces the other one to use. Messed up and a hard pattern to stop. I hope all goes well for ya diff!
Hugs
Charmed
It's like the scene in "Animal House" when John Belushi has a devil on one shoulder and an angel on another one... I always tell everybody that I bring fun to my husband's life and he brings calm to mine. I don't need a "devil" in my ear urging me on to continue doing bad stuff.... I need someone who's stronger than me in some areas and who I'm stronger than in others, so we can help each other
Here i am on Friday night waiting patiently on my girlfriend who said she'd dropped by after work around 7 PMish and the time now being after 11PM. I don't have to guess that she is probably with her dealer or dope acquaintances waiting until until her pupils return to normal proportion so she can concoct some fish story about how her car broke down or some other often used lame excuse. Obviously she loves that s**t more than me but will beg me not to leave her and promise that she will try to get straight again for the umpteenth time!
And i like a dope-if you'll pardon the expression-will believe her for the zillionth time because i love her and only hope that maybe this time she is telling the truth.
You know you don't have to do drugs to feel numb sometimes.
numb
And i like a dope-if you'll pardon the expression-will believe her for the zillionth time because i love her and only hope that maybe this time she is telling the truth.
You know you don't have to do drugs to feel numb sometimes.
numb
Dear Numb,
Your night sounds familiar. Although I am not in that same boat right now, there were nights that were just way too predictable. Waiting, trying not to get too neg. and then finally making that "date/supper" for myself. Those nights really sucked, and I can't explain the heartache that I felt (obviously you know), along with the disapointment... I don't know how long you've been with your girlfriend, or how long she has been with H, so I'ts hard to say anymore. Anyways my story is long, bottom line is that the more you care for yourself the more things get better . Heroin is the most deceptive, etc... thing I've ever met. I've seen a lot in my life though never met anything this powerful to rob sooo many souls. My bf is clean right now. We've been together 5 years. Trust me it's not some fairy tale! I love my bf too. Though with his last relapse I knew I'd only be doing us both a favor to split for a while.His efforts towards recovery have been much more serious since, as well as honest. I know it takes a toll. You need to take care of yourself too & replenish some of that energy. I am with my bf now because he wants to be clean & is working on himself. He is an amazing person & struggles with something bigger than I may ever experience. He has had previous sucess at quitting (in terms of years) so obliviously I am only hoping for the best! Wishing you and your gal some peace!
Dora
Your night sounds familiar. Although I am not in that same boat right now, there were nights that were just way too predictable. Waiting, trying not to get too neg. and then finally making that "date/supper" for myself. Those nights really sucked, and I can't explain the heartache that I felt (obviously you know), along with the disapointment... I don't know how long you've been with your girlfriend, or how long she has been with H, so I'ts hard to say anymore. Anyways my story is long, bottom line is that the more you care for yourself the more things get better . Heroin is the most deceptive, etc... thing I've ever met. I've seen a lot in my life though never met anything this powerful to rob sooo many souls. My bf is clean right now. We've been together 5 years. Trust me it's not some fairy tale! I love my bf too. Though with his last relapse I knew I'd only be doing us both a favor to split for a while.His efforts towards recovery have been much more serious since, as well as honest. I know it takes a toll. You need to take care of yourself too & replenish some of that energy. I am with my bf now because he wants to be clean & is working on himself. He is an amazing person & struggles with something bigger than I may ever experience. He has had previous sucess at quitting (in terms of years) so obliviously I am only hoping for the best! Wishing you and your gal some peace!
Dora
Your message is really touching being that I'm not an addict but someone that I care for is and you still take into consideration how I feel. I read these messages all addicts post just to see how my boyfriend feels on H and they actually bring me to tears because I feel so bad. He's been lying and stealing for the year we've been together, I want to be there for him and help him but it seems like he just keeps landing up in jail or Re-hab. I don't know what to do i really love this kid and it hurts me so bad. He told me he's going to re-hab for vikes but i found out it was really for heroin and he doesn't know that I know the truth yet. He swore to me that he was clean and he even told me he never touched H or methadone and I found all of this out at once and it crushed me. I feel so stupid that I believed him and I never noticed any symtoms. Now when I look back tho and researched H , he has a lot of thoses symptoms that I had no idea about. What should I do? Thanks