Just found out my adult son's on meth. He had some inclinations toward opiates but now I'm finding burned straw etc. his life's chaotic and for the last 4 years so is mine. I found myself dangerously close to becoming a destitute with the salary of professional. My friends are disgusted by my enabling him and as a results I'm left alone to deal with this heart breaking situation by myself. What do I do now
Glad you found us! This site has been my saving grace. I also have an adult son on meth and has been on drugs off and on since he was a teen. I was the queen enabler and I feel if I had stopped a long time ago, my son would have had a much better chance in life. He goes in spurts of contacting us and I haven't heard from him since Dec. 21st. He has been verbally abusive and only talks to us or is somewhat human when he is getting money from us. We stopped enabling him almost 7 months ago now and last we knew he was living in his car (which we bought him). He even took out a title loan on it and then expected us to pay the title loan on a car we bought!
This site and it's members have kept me strong and I know in my heart that the only way is to stop enabling and not give him one red cent! I may not like the outcome, but it is the only way to save him and to save us. We didn't cause it, can't fix it, and can't cure his addiction. It is his choices that have destined him to the life he is living! Heaven knows we have tried everything over the years and have given him way too much. It has only delayed him ever getting clean! He would destroy us financially, emotionally, and physically!
You are in the right place and the members on here have years of experience and have walked the walk! Check out alanon or narcanon too for support!
Yes--you do find out who your friends are when you have an addict in your family, but then if they aren't there for you, they weren't really your friends in the first place--
Praying for you and your son--
Lori
This site and it's members have kept me strong and I know in my heart that the only way is to stop enabling and not give him one red cent! I may not like the outcome, but it is the only way to save him and to save us. We didn't cause it, can't fix it, and can't cure his addiction. It is his choices that have destined him to the life he is living! Heaven knows we have tried everything over the years and have given him way too much. It has only delayed him ever getting clean! He would destroy us financially, emotionally, and physically!
You are in the right place and the members on here have years of experience and have walked the walk! Check out alanon or narcanon too for support!
Yes--you do find out who your friends are when you have an addict in your family, but then if they aren't there for you, they weren't really your friends in the first place--
Praying for you and your son--
Lori
You have definitely come to the right place! My adult son has used Meth on and off since he was in his early teens (20+ yrs.). He has used other drugs to a lesser degree and smokes marijuana regularly. There have been times when he has done better and times he has been using really bad. The past few years have been bad. There has been nothing but chaos, tons of problems (needing money to solve), screaming, threats, psychological problems, erratic driving, wrecked cars, etc.
I too have enabled him way too much and for too long. I was trying to help by giving him fresh starts and cars to get to work but he couldnt keep a job or pay his bills. He just kept on taking until it was becoming a hardship for me and I was an emotional wreck. The rest of the family just about disowned me because I kept enabling even though they told me I had to stop. I continue to struggle with my motherly instinct to help him and what I have to do which is cut him off. I will be strong and not give him anything, but then he will catch me at a weak moment. I have quit paying his bills and will never buy him another car. I finally got enough of the promises and lies. He was living on the street last I heard and said he would go to rehab but then changed his mind. He now says he will find a job but I am not going to hold my breath. He did detox so is off drugs for now and I am hoping he can stay that way. I recently told him this is ithe either stops using drugs and starts supporting himself of we are all done with him.
Dont let your sons drug use destroy you. You start out helping a little and then suddenly you are taking care of things he should be doing for himself. I was in such a bad mental state when I finally decided I had enough, that I had to take a mild tranquilizer for a short time. I could not detach and was crying all the time. I was mentally unable to separate myself from his problems. I could see things much clearer when I stepped back and was no longer immersed in his life. I turned my phone off for a month and blocked my email because I needed to work on myself. I am doing better now and I am allowing limited communication.
You didnt say if your son is living with you or you are supporting him somewhere else. My son lived with us on and off, but he got so bad that his behavior was scaring us so we will never let him be in our house. He became too unpredictable and we have become unable to handle those situations as we get older.
You need to figure out what you feel comfortable doingsomething besides being his kicking post and mothers ATM. Otherwise you could be doing this same thing for a long time until you get enough or it destroys you. Continuing to enable will not help your son and will only hurt you. As long as he is comfortable and has you to fall back on for money, why should he change his behavior? There is no incentive for change...
I too have enabled him way too much and for too long. I was trying to help by giving him fresh starts and cars to get to work but he couldnt keep a job or pay his bills. He just kept on taking until it was becoming a hardship for me and I was an emotional wreck. The rest of the family just about disowned me because I kept enabling even though they told me I had to stop. I continue to struggle with my motherly instinct to help him and what I have to do which is cut him off. I will be strong and not give him anything, but then he will catch me at a weak moment. I have quit paying his bills and will never buy him another car. I finally got enough of the promises and lies. He was living on the street last I heard and said he would go to rehab but then changed his mind. He now says he will find a job but I am not going to hold my breath. He did detox so is off drugs for now and I am hoping he can stay that way. I recently told him this is ithe either stops using drugs and starts supporting himself of we are all done with him.
Dont let your sons drug use destroy you. You start out helping a little and then suddenly you are taking care of things he should be doing for himself. I was in such a bad mental state when I finally decided I had enough, that I had to take a mild tranquilizer for a short time. I could not detach and was crying all the time. I was mentally unable to separate myself from his problems. I could see things much clearer when I stepped back and was no longer immersed in his life. I turned my phone off for a month and blocked my email because I needed to work on myself. I am doing better now and I am allowing limited communication.
You didnt say if your son is living with you or you are supporting him somewhere else. My son lived with us on and off, but he got so bad that his behavior was scaring us so we will never let him be in our house. He became too unpredictable and we have become unable to handle those situations as we get older.
You need to figure out what you feel comfortable doingsomething besides being his kicking post and mothers ATM. Otherwise you could be doing this same thing for a long time until you get enough or it destroys you. Continuing to enable will not help your son and will only hurt you. As long as he is comfortable and has you to fall back on for money, why should he change his behavior? There is no incentive for change...
Thank you both of you for kind and quick replies. I am so grateful to not being judged and feel supported for the first time in god know how long. I'm at the end of my rope - I've known what to do for a while but wasn't ready. always falling for promises and excuses. his's been very abusive with me - gets belligerent when I address something he doesn't want to hear. He's used guilt to literally whip me into submission. There's always "legitimate reasons" why I should give him money or my car to use. He lives with me but I'm ready to break the lease and move into separate apartment. It's just so bitter to be where I am. I own my role in enabling him and do associate it with the guilt of divorce, working a lot, etc. He never agreed to do rehab and I know I have to let go. Please keep support coming
I don't know if anyone has suggested this to you, but if you can, try some support group meetings (nar anon or al anon). Try a few until you find the one that is the best fir for you.
You will not be judged here. We are all in the same boat and I have found this forum to be extremely helpful for me. You can vent and everyone understandsit is such a blessing.
Our adult kids know all the tricks and just what to say to make us feel guilty. They are masters of manipulation. They do it so well. It always sounds reasonable when they need money or help but you find yourself just going around and around in circles. Nothing seems to get better, but it does seem to steadily get worse and costs more over time.
I am not sure if your son is cooperative at all. Can you talk him into going to rehab? Have you told him you have had enough? I know it is very hard to talk to people that use Meth and I have found it is good to have someone else there if you try to confront them. Dont be afraid to call the police if he gets out of control. Meth users can go from cooperative to abusive & threatening very quickly if they dont get what they want.
I wish you luck and do keep coming here. We are all trying to find the answers and dont have any magic solutions, but we do understand what you are going through.
Our adult kids know all the tricks and just what to say to make us feel guilty. They are masters of manipulation. They do it so well. It always sounds reasonable when they need money or help but you find yourself just going around and around in circles. Nothing seems to get better, but it does seem to steadily get worse and costs more over time.
I am not sure if your son is cooperative at all. Can you talk him into going to rehab? Have you told him you have had enough? I know it is very hard to talk to people that use Meth and I have found it is good to have someone else there if you try to confront them. Dont be afraid to call the police if he gets out of control. Meth users can go from cooperative to abusive & threatening very quickly if they dont get what they want.
I wish you luck and do keep coming here. We are all trying to find the answers and dont have any magic solutions, but we do understand what you are going through.
It was the financial drain that finally got to me. and the emotional drain. I wanted to have a normal conversation that did not revolve around money!
The financial drain - the year in florida practically ate up my salary. then 3 months of rehab we paid out of pocket. we could have paid off his student loans twice with the money we threw at his problem over two years.
I realized that he would not stop asking for money even if it were the last dollar I had and I was on the street. He just acted like I was a never ending ATM... he was not going to stop. we had to stop.
It must be horrible to live in the same house with your son. I think it would be too difficult especially if he become violent or harassing. I would figure out a way to leave, I think I would become that desperate. my son did not do meth. he did become angry, but not too bad.
think of a way to leave and not be attached to him for a year. what ever you have to do to get out from under the responsibility of it.
The financial drain - the year in florida practically ate up my salary. then 3 months of rehab we paid out of pocket. we could have paid off his student loans twice with the money we threw at his problem over two years.
I realized that he would not stop asking for money even if it were the last dollar I had and I was on the street. He just acted like I was a never ending ATM... he was not going to stop. we had to stop.
It must be horrible to live in the same house with your son. I think it would be too difficult especially if he become violent or harassing. I would figure out a way to leave, I think I would become that desperate. my son did not do meth. he did become angry, but not too bad.
think of a way to leave and not be attached to him for a year. what ever you have to do to get out from under the responsibility of it.
Go to naranon meetings. you will get support and ideas of what you can do.
keep searching the internet for help in your community. either support for you, or support for your son to get him off your back.
think of reasons to move? closer to work, closer to family, smaller apartment, less expensive apartment?
Tell him he needs to become independent. it is in his best interest. tell him to go to social services for food stamps, etc. if he can not work, tell him to go to social services and apply for disability.
keep searching the internet for help in your community. either support for you, or support for your son to get him off your back.
think of reasons to move? closer to work, closer to family, smaller apartment, less expensive apartment?
Tell him he needs to become independent. it is in his best interest. tell him to go to social services for food stamps, etc. if he can not work, tell him to go to social services and apply for disability.
While living under the same roof I learned that:
We can't both be irrational - if I keep calm and pray, the anxiety eventually goes away. They can sense our fear and count on it, let him own his acts and consequences of his acts - pretend to be strong, fake it until you make it. The more aggressive he gets the calmer I must get - and when i lose my cool I shouldn't worry, there will be another chance to learn to have self control. Pay attention to my own thoughts in stressful situations and adjust them to what i know is true.
Learn my truth and set my boundaries - if I feel guilty about something, I own it and apologises and then stop buying forgiveness because it is killing him while i go broke. Set boundaries one by one, communicate when the time is right and maybe outside the home environment. And then stick to it, they test us and eventually they learn we are serious and mean it this time.
We can't both be irrational - if I keep calm and pray, the anxiety eventually goes away. They can sense our fear and count on it, let him own his acts and consequences of his acts - pretend to be strong, fake it until you make it. The more aggressive he gets the calmer I must get - and when i lose my cool I shouldn't worry, there will be another chance to learn to have self control. Pay attention to my own thoughts in stressful situations and adjust them to what i know is true.
Learn my truth and set my boundaries - if I feel guilty about something, I own it and apologises and then stop buying forgiveness because it is killing him while i go broke. Set boundaries one by one, communicate when the time is right and maybe outside the home environment. And then stick to it, they test us and eventually they learn we are serious and mean it this time.
My first time posting and I also have a child addicted to Meth. My 26 year old daughter has been using since she was 18 years old and each time she gets into trouble with the law, I think just maybe this time she will get it. I have learned to not enable her and let her make her own consequences for her actions, however not easy to watch. I pray that you seek out whatever helps you to feel whole and take care of you first and foremost. Feeling helpless is one of the most devastating feelings a parent can go through.......
Meth....I hate that stuff. My son won't stay away from it. What is the attraction? It sounds horrible! I am mad at all the drug makers and pushers and users and the world right now. Drugs steal our children and leave empty shells that long for a better life but are unable to live one. Our babies are in there somewhere. I wish there was someone I could beat up or yell at or have arrested or run over with my car. It would do no good but would make me feel better. Drugs stink big time...
Buggin
I agree with you 100% about meth and everything you said.
It's awful.
Hugs
P
I agree with you 100% about meth and everything you said.
It's awful.
Hugs
P
Meth was my son's, DOC but I think he is on other stuff as well. Still no word from him for 6 weeks. He hasn't made his car title loan payment ( I can see it on internet). Will probably get his car repo soon and then will truly be homeless--I guess. I really don't know.
I frankly don't know if he is dead or alive?????
Meth is easy to get in Florida and when my son couldn't get it --he would make it "shake and bake" method. How crazy is that or rather how sick and desperate. I can't even imagine !!! It breaks my heart!
Lori
I frankly don't know if he is dead or alive?????
Meth is easy to get in Florida and when my son couldn't get it --he would make it "shake and bake" method. How crazy is that or rather how sick and desperate. I can't even imagine !!! It breaks my heart!
Lori
My son is 35. I think meth is easy to get everywhere. What is shake and bake?
Lori maybe it is a blessing not to hear from your son. That could mean he figured something out on his own even though he hasn't paid that loan. When I see my son I get extremely upset and can't stop crying. I couldnt sleep last night at all. I don't know what he will do.. he isn't going up, he is going down and won't go to rehab. I don't think he can make it alone.
Lori maybe it is a blessing not to hear from your son. That could mean he figured something out on his own even though he hasn't paid that loan. When I see my son I get extremely upset and can't stop crying. I couldnt sleep last night at all. I don't know what he will do.. he isn't going up, he is going down and won't go to rehab. I don't think he can make it alone.
Buggin--
I think my son is lost as well and will never make it on his own. He has never been able to function for very long without us picking him up and "fixing" his life. Now that we no longer do that or won't he will probably collapse in ways I can't even think about and don't want to know! Still fear I will get "that" call and I still jump every time the phone rings!
Shake and Bake is a way to make meth in small batches in a 2 liter soda bottle with horrible ingredients. They use drain cleaner, ephedrine, salt, peroxide, acetone, muriatic acid, and carburator cleaner. They can carry it in a backpack and it requires no heating just shake it in the bottle and makes a very explosive substance. Even opening the bottle can cause a explosion or fire if opened after shaking too much. It creates a powder and they can smoke, inhale or inject.
My son was injecting this crap into his body--I can't even imagine doing this with this toxic crap!! No wonder their teeth fall out and they have sores all over. Talk about killing yourself!!!
Sorry for being so emotional ,but I can't even talk about it without crying or getting emotional! Guess I need to work harder on detachment. I have the enabling part down pat, but I can't seem to detach emotionally yet.
I pray for God to help me with this everyday! How do I quit being a mom that loves her son, but still let him go completely? It is like wearing two faces--one to deal with my addicted son and one to deal with my 15 y/o disabled son --
Lori
I think my son is lost as well and will never make it on his own. He has never been able to function for very long without us picking him up and "fixing" his life. Now that we no longer do that or won't he will probably collapse in ways I can't even think about and don't want to know! Still fear I will get "that" call and I still jump every time the phone rings!
Shake and Bake is a way to make meth in small batches in a 2 liter soda bottle with horrible ingredients. They use drain cleaner, ephedrine, salt, peroxide, acetone, muriatic acid, and carburator cleaner. They can carry it in a backpack and it requires no heating just shake it in the bottle and makes a very explosive substance. Even opening the bottle can cause a explosion or fire if opened after shaking too much. It creates a powder and they can smoke, inhale or inject.
My son was injecting this crap into his body--I can't even imagine doing this with this toxic crap!! No wonder their teeth fall out and they have sores all over. Talk about killing yourself!!!
Sorry for being so emotional ,but I can't even talk about it without crying or getting emotional! Guess I need to work harder on detachment. I have the enabling part down pat, but I can't seem to detach emotionally yet.
I pray for God to help me with this everyday! How do I quit being a mom that loves her son, but still let him go completely? It is like wearing two faces--one to deal with my addicted son and one to deal with my 15 y/o disabled son --
Lori
