Advice/coping With Users In Family

Hey!

I still use this board for support and I hope I will still be able to bounce ideas around here. It is good for me, in early recovery, to be able to stay focused during each single day. There seems to be some turmoil here, but I want everyone to know that I have gotten tremendous support from the board.

Anyway........
When my wife went ahead and told her family about my addiction, I was upset. I posted about it a while back. Last night, I got a phone call from my brother-in-law. We are close.....good friends who are about the same age and have similar interests and personalities. He was someone I used with. He asked me for the number of my old "dealer." He wants to be able to contact this person and get pills. I know that B.I.L. is a daily user of hydro and I also know that I cannot make anyone stop. I guess I am just looking for some general advice about dealing with family members who still use. This is a VERY close family......think "Everybody Loves Raymond." We all live in the same town, our children are growing up together etc.

I have been isolated for a while so I can get a good recovery groove going. When I step back, I see that there are MANY people in my life who I cannot just "write-off." I will have contact with them and they are regular drinkers and/or users. What do you guys do about this sort of thing?

The main reason I am writing about it now is that I am trying to avoid resentment/anger etc.

Thanks!!!!
Jer
Since I wrote the first post I have been called three times by my old dealer and twice by my B.I.L. I did not answer the phone. On one hand, it is simply annoying, but on the other it is sad. I know that my B.I.L. is in a state of panic because he "needs" pills. It makes me glad that I am not there anymore. I think they are trying to have me make an introduction so they can do business. To see the obsession and the absolute need to get pills ASAP.....mostly I am glad to be out of the game.

It still concerns me that I have these family members around me and using.

Jer



PS
I got a haircut this morning and the barbers were talking about "the blue vikes." Then, an older guy came in and started shaking a bottle of vicodin. He was saying, "I know you guys want these." He put the bottle against his crotch and said, "Come get 'em," to one of the barbers. It actually made me feel slightly sick. It is just strange......like my addiction is being thrown right in my face today. Honestly, it is not appealing.
A little advice, Jer...find a new barber for a while. Get some clean time under your belt before you hang around with users. Same with family members. If you can, stay away for a while. And if BIL asks fo your dealers phone number you could always give him the number to a detox instead <BEG>
Jer,
I posted something similar about this a while back, I was really upset, wanted to intervene with a nephew who I thought was using...I was advised to leave it alone, too new in my recovery to help others, nor can I force anyone to make the choice I have made to get clean.
It is my mission to put my recovery 1st, nobody else's, for now, too distracting . There are no easy answers, really..as my 1st instinct is to make it better for everyone. That probably is unreasonable, and I need reason, as I cannot fix the world
When you you were using, if the BIL had stopped using , and tried to talk you out of using, how would you have handled it? Just a thought, I know when people tried to express to me they wanted me to get better, I didn't listen. Or, do as Kat said, give him a detox #. I had a friend (unaware of my issue) tell me the other night, (we were outside smoking) Told me that his friends are worried about him and his "vikes"~ he only uses "vikes" when he needs them, (which, is untrue, as he begs them from people,overusing his prescription.) I told him,
" Really, well, I had a problem with them, and they took me down, hard, just be careful," and I walked away from him. What more can I do? I won't encourage usage, I just plain and simple confessed, shocked him, without going into detail, then walked inside.
I have tried to eliminate "triggers" in my life, such as family, friends who use, for now. It is better for me to live life without exposure to the influences that others might have when they use, I have to walk away.
Just for today, that is how I have handled it...

Keep up the good work,
My best,
Lucky
Wow...that must of been hard to see. I'm with 12 stepper, get a new barber. Unfortunately, life keeps happening around us, even though we got clean, doesn't mean the rest of the world is and we're going to be faced with situations like this. The best you can do is remove yourself as often as you can. Families are tougher, but doable. Tell on the BIL...make it your wife's problem not yours (I assume it's her brother). He's f***ing with your sobriety and that cannot be allowed.
Good advice, Lisa,+ Kat, This helps me learn, also.I was posting and didnt see the Barber thing, ( had a long phone call while I was posting, walked away ) that is tough, when they're dangled like that so early in your recovery , jer. Like they said, a new barber for now, like I have new friends, for now, until I can eliminate those triggers.
Good Luck,
Lucky
Yeah.....I won't be getting my hair cut there anymore. That is not something I've seen there......it was strange. It is an old-time family business. The father, Guido, has recently cut back his hours and turned the shop over to his son. The place has been around since the 50's and has a cool vibe, but I don't think I'll be back. Maybe I'll grow my hair out. It was just strange that I encountered all of this stuff today.

With my BIL, that is a tough situation because he is obviously not going to listen to my advice. He KNOWS that I am now sober and I think today he is experiencing the panic that addicts feel when they run out of pills and the WD symptoms start......he is clearly freaking out about getting pills. I know the road he is on.

That is one of the reasons I was initially so pissed about being judged by my wife's family. I know what her brother does because we did it together. Mostly I feel sad for him now. I know I can't help him. I'm not letting it affect my clean time, though.

Jer
Jer,
Good 4 you! You know the pain hes in , clearly, perhaps you are an example to him now.
I know how you feel about family members using, I have someone who is in my family that uses daily, and its a JOKE to everyone. Oh, so and so only smokes pot, not as bad as you and those pills. And I was angry, in the beginning. Oh, so and so took a ride to get a diet coke. There is a 6 pack of Diet Coke in the fridge??? C'Mon, why pick on me and my pupils??? And check my purse, its not fair!! Life isn't always fair.

Then, I realized, she has to smoke pot every day to get through and they all don't have a problem with it, fine. I am just that farther ahead in the game then, jer, I am clean and she needs to get there. Now, I see her being high and feel bad for her...I see me in her and don't want anyone to feel bad for me. It will chew you up and spit you out if you let it consume you that others choose to use. We can only control us. I'd love to call out to the users I know "Hey, Look at me, I went through it, I am clean, leave me alone,...Look at so and so.". But, in reality, where does that get us, nowhere, fast. Eventually, it will be them jonesin' like your BIL is, just thanks to you, its him, not you!

Look how far you've come...and realize, you cant fix the world, or expose them, it won't help you~ I have learned the hard way, but, you can choose to do it your own way. Its that I see we have the same problem, and I get what you are saying, big time! I'd rather take it now, than later, my recovery is that much further along than hers, right?

Take Care
Lucky
Again, let it be his family's problem. You've got too much road to cover on your own right now. I would seriously consider telling your wife what's happening. Keeping her in the loop and be honest about situations is what needs to happen anyway.
Jerry
Some day your BIL is either going to have to get clean or die. If he is lucky enough to get clean you can be there for him. It will be his turn to be the black sheep and you can help him get thru it. You don't think he is going to last forever popping pills, do you? It catches up to us in the end and it's never pretty. Everything happens for a reason.
I'm thinkin' about it, Cowgirl. I truly believe that he only called me about it because he is in that terrible state of anxiety because he is running out of pills. In a way, it's a good reminder of why it is so much better to be clean. When I was where he is, I knew I had a problem, but I was just not able to stop.

I have not left my house in over a month, except work and rehearsals. This has been a good reminder of exactly what you all wrote.......life doesn't get clean with us. The barber shop thing was just freaky.

12 Stepper,
I know my BIL's day is coming and I will be there for him.

Jer