Our daughter is 21 and has motor dyspraxia and dyslexia. She had help at school and has always had very low self esteem. All ever wanted was to fall in love and have a boyfriend.
Sept. 01 she met a man who told her he was 23 (infact 32) We know now that he has a long standing crack and heroin smoking habit. Before that I'm sure she dabbled with cannabis. She moved in with him after 2 months, we were unaware of his problems and were pleasant and welcoming. By December she lost her job, a good job as an apprentice hairdresser with a celebrity stylist in London.
We saw very little of her all the next year, despite trying very hard as we live on the outskirts of London. We made many trips up to their flat with no reply. We were advised by a psychiatrist who saw my husband after a breakdown to stop trying which we think now was a mistake. In Feb. 03 we heard from her again.
By March 2003 we were pleased that she agreed to go to the US (Florida)on a two week holiday. She was fine out there and didnt touch alcohol. We did not associate her with having a drug habit. On our return he collected her from our place and we didnt see her for nine months following eviction from their flat. She was registered missing with the police and we searched and searched London for her. Around Dec. last year she texted us and arranged to meet. She didnt show, but we were lucky enough to meet some street people who told us about her, she was sleeping rough, on crack and heroin and they said the boyfriend was a nasty man making her beg for money, violent to her and she was very thin. They gave information which led us to finding her on Christmas Eve last year. She came willingly away from him and we took her home. All she kept saying was "Thank you for saving me" She was ill over Christmas with the withdrawal. In March this year he wrote to her, she saw him twice and we stopped her when we found out. She really pulled her life together with all the help from family and friends, found a good job and we had a great party for her 21st in April. She never stopped saying how much she loved us all and told us all the horrible things he did which broke my heart, as a mum. She wrote a little note in June, saying she was over him and drugs and would rather DIE than go back. The only thing that bothered her was still meeting that special guy.
In July this year (Independance Day to be exact!) she left late at night to be with him, she had seen him and taken drugs again. We were shocked and upset.
We now know that she was on the streets again, begging. I emailed all of the homeless charities in London with her story and they found her a place in a hostel - he got a place too cause she refused to go without him.
Last week she came home for a visit for the first time in four months. She stayed 24 hours then rushed back cause she needed Heroin. She cried bitterly when I dropped her at the station. I gave her my old mobile phone. The next day she said she was being evicted from the hostel cause she owes them money, she asked if I could get her a council flat. I said that it would be nearly impossible as they are in short supply. Family and friends advised us not to have her home, she has two little brothers with special needs and it would be impossible unless she goes into detox and rehab. She said during her visit that she is sick of drugs, wants to get off and so does her boyfriend. She asked me to download some information about Subutex. She said she would stay away from him during this period of months and not see him again if he dosent get off the drugs, which is probably unlikely. So We said we would pay what she owes to the hostel today and she said she would come up every week.
Saturday - the mobile was off and is still off now, today (Mon) the hostel said they have thrown her out cause she didnt keep contact with the Keyworker. Nothing to do with owing money. The boyfriend apparently set up meetings for her with the keyworker when he knew she was with us last week, so naturally she didnt show. Im angry that the Hostel has thrown her out, but not him, the manager only called two weeks ago and said they understand her problems and special needs and that we could call anytime. This was what led to her contacting us.
I have phoned the London outreach team who placed her there and they and the hostel have not got back to me. What can we do?? She is on my mind constantly. I feel I have failed her by "Taking my eye off the ball" so to speak when she was at home, she seemed so happy,but I'm sure the heroin is a big pull.
Anyway support, ideas advice will be SO MUCH APPRECIATED. The boyfriend is very devious and is hoping we will give up on her. We will never do that. Our GP considers her VERY vulnerable and thinking age is about 15 but due to the law she is an adult. All I can hear is that voice last Christmas when we picked her up "Thankyou for saving me" - well as parents it was not only our duty but our pleasure. Please can you brave people who understand drugs and those parents too, help me.
Luv Rozzie
ps think I have covered everying, sorry its long.
Hi Rozzie,
I'm a recovering heroin addict, and its thanks to my mum that i've managed to get and stay clean-i've been clean nearly 3years-
Due to your daughters special needs i think the advise to you, would differ to that if your daughter didnt have any special needs, if she didnt i would say you'd have to leave her to come back to you when she's ready, BUT if she has as you say the mind of a 15yr old then i feel you need to get her away from that nastey boyfriend, but how can you do that? she needs to leave him of her own accord otherwise will end up running back to him? the thing with detox is she needs to be willing to accept your help, remember an addict can really only help themselves, you can help them but ultimately she has to want it and do it herself and then theres the problems after detox, if she isnt ready to give up yet goes through detox she may go straight back to using after she's clean.
In my experiance, any relationship that revolves around smack is a bit of a non starter -thats how i lost 10 yrs to smack, i was going out with a smackhead when i was a teenager, he then died from an overdose so i was left alone with a hughe habbit, i have had another relationship where we were both addicts and to be honest an addict is that selfish that they cant love you properly, they only love the drugs, your daughters having a three way relationship, her, her git boyfriend-he cant love her that much if he's got her begging on the streets-and of course heroin. Is there anyone you could report this boyfriend to? tell em she's being taken advantage of??
I really empathise with your situation and i know i'm probably only repeating what you've already been told. Sorry i cant be any more help but know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
GOOD LUCK
Gabbi
I'm a recovering heroin addict, and its thanks to my mum that i've managed to get and stay clean-i've been clean nearly 3years-
Due to your daughters special needs i think the advise to you, would differ to that if your daughter didnt have any special needs, if she didnt i would say you'd have to leave her to come back to you when she's ready, BUT if she has as you say the mind of a 15yr old then i feel you need to get her away from that nastey boyfriend, but how can you do that? she needs to leave him of her own accord otherwise will end up running back to him? the thing with detox is she needs to be willing to accept your help, remember an addict can really only help themselves, you can help them but ultimately she has to want it and do it herself and then theres the problems after detox, if she isnt ready to give up yet goes through detox she may go straight back to using after she's clean.
In my experiance, any relationship that revolves around smack is a bit of a non starter -thats how i lost 10 yrs to smack, i was going out with a smackhead when i was a teenager, he then died from an overdose so i was left alone with a hughe habbit, i have had another relationship where we were both addicts and to be honest an addict is that selfish that they cant love you properly, they only love the drugs, your daughters having a three way relationship, her, her git boyfriend-he cant love her that much if he's got her begging on the streets-and of course heroin. Is there anyone you could report this boyfriend to? tell em she's being taken advantage of??
I really empathise with your situation and i know i'm probably only repeating what you've already been told. Sorry i cant be any more help but know YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
GOOD LUCK
Gabbi
Hi Gabbi, thanks for the advice and support, its invaluable to me. Well done for sorting out your life and having the strength and courage to do so.
We have tried and tried but her chronological age is what counts in trying to get something done. IF we can see her again soon we will talk very frankly to her and give her the option of us trying to get help. I think she is waiting for him to clean up, but that will take forever. I think you are right that he only loves his drugs and how can they have a relationship with drugs between them? Our daughters problem is that she never found anyone else in the six months they were apart, so went back to what she knew. When she saw him again she thought naievly that he had sorted his life, but then the taste of drugs he gave her sent her straight back. Apart from him she didnt even seek drugs and her friends and family are not users, so fingers x if she can get away for good, we are sure it would work.
fingers very xxx
luv Rozzie
We have tried and tried but her chronological age is what counts in trying to get something done. IF we can see her again soon we will talk very frankly to her and give her the option of us trying to get help. I think she is waiting for him to clean up, but that will take forever. I think you are right that he only loves his drugs and how can they have a relationship with drugs between them? Our daughters problem is that she never found anyone else in the six months they were apart, so went back to what she knew. When she saw him again she thought naievly that he had sorted his life, but then the taste of drugs he gave her sent her straight back. Apart from him she didnt even seek drugs and her friends and family are not users, so fingers x if she can get away for good, we are sure it would work.
fingers very xxx
luv Rozzie
Hi Rozzie,
Your daughter should count her blessings. She''s got family and friends that want nothing, but to help her. I recon if you can get this fella away from her then you may be half way there? You need to tell her that he's never gonna get sorted while he's in a relationship where both parties use, and that she should be thinking of herself as she isnt gonna be able to get him clean-like i said above an addict can only sort themselves out, no one can do it for them nomatter how much you would like to.
My fingers are XX for ya aswell, GOODLUCK, and again, you r NOT alone
Lots of love
Gabbi
Your daughter should count her blessings. She''s got family and friends that want nothing, but to help her. I recon if you can get this fella away from her then you may be half way there? You need to tell her that he's never gonna get sorted while he's in a relationship where both parties use, and that she should be thinking of herself as she isnt gonna be able to get him clean-like i said above an addict can only sort themselves out, no one can do it for them nomatter how much you would like to.
My fingers are XX for ya aswell, GOODLUCK, and again, you r NOT alone
Lots of love
Gabbi
Thanks Gabbi and again, good luck to you.
Next time we are fortunate to see her I will show her your post(s) I'm sure she will see what you are saying and it will make an impact as its not us saying it. Please please let me know how its going with you.
Luv Rozzie
Next time we are fortunate to see her I will show her your post(s) I'm sure she will see what you are saying and it will make an impact as its not us saying it. Please please let me know how its going with you.
Luv Rozzie
Hi Rozzie,
I'm doing great, am back with my mum and to be honest this is where i need to be, just like your daughter needs to be at home with the people who REALLY love her, tell her what her fella is offering her certainly isnt love, it's addiction, if he really loved her then he would let her go because what life he's giving her is just NOT good enough, she needs to find someone who'll look after her needs and cherish her life, if anything this fella is deniying her any chance of a good life. I just hope she realises this before she's lost 10 yrs or so-this is what happend to me i lost 10yrs to heroin addiction and i lost my 1st boyfriend to an overdose- everything i'm saying is from personal experience, you simply cant have a productive relationship when heroin is involved, i bet she makes the most money out of the 2 (me and skitz-my dog-used to beg in manchester and we'd be making roughly 20-30 per hour) ask her that, how much does he contribute?? i bet it's not as much as you do?
My thoughts are with ya,
lots o love
Gabbi
I'm doing great, am back with my mum and to be honest this is where i need to be, just like your daughter needs to be at home with the people who REALLY love her, tell her what her fella is offering her certainly isnt love, it's addiction, if he really loved her then he would let her go because what life he's giving her is just NOT good enough, she needs to find someone who'll look after her needs and cherish her life, if anything this fella is deniying her any chance of a good life. I just hope she realises this before she's lost 10 yrs or so-this is what happend to me i lost 10yrs to heroin addiction and i lost my 1st boyfriend to an overdose- everything i'm saying is from personal experience, you simply cant have a productive relationship when heroin is involved, i bet she makes the most money out of the 2 (me and skitz-my dog-used to beg in manchester and we'd be making roughly 20-30 per hour) ask her that, how much does he contribute?? i bet it's not as much as you do?
My thoughts are with ya,
lots o love
Gabbi
Hi Gabbi, you're right, I have the number of a call box at the station where she begs. I called it yesterday and spoke to the newspaper seller whom I have spoke once before. Its mainly our daughter begging and him standing by. She hasent been in touch with us so its the only news we have. The seller said she was clean and looked ok, was not gauching or drinking. I am really hoping for contact before Christmas. She also said the police had name checked him a couple of times, if only they searched him, but he prob. gives the gear to our daughter. I wander if its any good me contacting the police near to that station and giving them the full story???
Anyway how are you going?? Hope things are OK with you. Stay strong.
Luv Rozzie
Anyway how are you going?? Hope things are OK with you. Stay strong.
Luv Rozzie
