You could say we are at the beginning of this journey. For the past couple of years there have been red flags but nothing concrete. Our son is 22. He is sweet and respectful, doesn't expect things from us, but knows we are there for him. In the last year we have bailed him out of various minor situations, chalking it up to life inexperience and have remained very supportive with advice as well to help him build a good life. We knew he smoked pot and had many conversations with him about the importance of moderation. But the 'situations' he finds himself in are starting to add up. This past week he was caught on a DUI but was just barely over. They searched him and found pot and cocaine. He was driving our car and it was impounded for a week. Now it is undeniable and we have to face the reality. We don't know if he's addicted at this point but we know he needs to address this before it comes to that, if it hasn't already. He swears it was his friend's cocaine but I really don't want to be that naive. We have expressed concern about the company he keeps and he stands by them because 'they are good people'. Even after this past incident involving our car, he has not yet apologized or acknowledged that his choices are a problem. He has taken ownership for the position he is in (no license and criminal charges) but refuses to acknowledge the big picture and how the culmination of his choices is affecting his life. He was also laid off from his job. He seems to feel his biggest problem is finding a job and doesn't seem too concerned with the legal aspect or how all of this is affecting us. We have taken the stance that we won't listen or communicate beyond what is necessary. I realize that I, especially need to do things differently so as not to enable him. But to be honest, it's so hard not to be the supportive mom I've always been. He has no computer and is looking for a job. He texted me and asked me to forward his resume to a list of places. I feel like this would be ok and it's not enabling but I don't trust my own judgement anymore. He does not live at home. I just don't want him to feel we are abandoning him, but at the same time, he needs to know that his lifestyle choices need to change now. How do we set healthy boundaries and still remain supportive? My heart is so torn up and I'm afraid.
Momsosad,
I can empathize with you and have been there. I can't diagnose, but in family classes at my son's rehab, I learned the definition of addiction includes having consequences and continuing to do the same thing. It sounds like you're already setting some healthy boundaries by choosing not to listen or communicate beyond what is necessary. It is extremely painful as a parent to feel we are not helping our children when really what we are doing is helping them by expecting them to make their own choices. I personally don't see forwarding your son's resume to a list of places as enabling. To me, this is supporting him in making positive choices. Giving him money, paying his bills, helping him in any way financially is what would be enabling.
Just a note...you may not like his "lifestyle choices", but unfortunately you don't get to dictate what he does or does not do. That is where detaching with love comes in. It's understanding that your son may have an addiction, but that it is his choice as to whether he seeks treatment. One thing I've learned is that when I do things for my son that he can do on his own, I make him weaker. I want an independent, adult son, so that has helped me a great deal to understand that. This is a painful journey and my heart goes out to you. We here on this site know your pain. Please keep posting and sharing. Wishing you strength and peace.
I can empathize with you and have been there. I can't diagnose, but in family classes at my son's rehab, I learned the definition of addiction includes having consequences and continuing to do the same thing. It sounds like you're already setting some healthy boundaries by choosing not to listen or communicate beyond what is necessary. It is extremely painful as a parent to feel we are not helping our children when really what we are doing is helping them by expecting them to make their own choices. I personally don't see forwarding your son's resume to a list of places as enabling. To me, this is supporting him in making positive choices. Giving him money, paying his bills, helping him in any way financially is what would be enabling.
Just a note...you may not like his "lifestyle choices", but unfortunately you don't get to dictate what he does or does not do. That is where detaching with love comes in. It's understanding that your son may have an addiction, but that it is his choice as to whether he seeks treatment. One thing I've learned is that when I do things for my son that he can do on his own, I make him weaker. I want an independent, adult son, so that has helped me a great deal to understand that. This is a painful journey and my heart goes out to you. We here on this site know your pain. Please keep posting and sharing. Wishing you strength and peace.
momsosad:
my son is 28 yr. there are similarities in your story to mine (and the rest of us moms. typical addiction behavior)
Suggestion: Find a local recovery center where he can get help and where you can get help to talk w a counselor and go to group meetings for family. I found one in my community, have been going once a week since December. It has been good for me to talk, and brings me closer to people who can help my son when he is ready. currently he is not ready.
Also poke around SmartRecovery.org. maybe become a member there and attend online meetings for family. The acronym for the family meetings is CRAFT. I have not joined the meetings but have surfed their website and there is a large amount of information for family. I did order a workbook, it has been helpful, although I have not been good at keeping up with the workbook. (too many things to do in a day)
You said "he has not yet apologized or acknowledged that his choices are a problem."
This is a sad point that I have become aware of with my son. He has not apologized or states that he wants to change his behavior. his statements are more like "well, that's not going to happen" when I talk to him about changing.
You said "he refuses to acknowledge the big picture and how the culmination of his choices is affecting his life. " Same here. my son has had a year of working and should have put his own insurance on my old car I gave him. he has not and it is not even something he acknowledges that he wants to or should do. he lives at gf house, but when they are not getting along he comes to our house. he "wants an apartment of his own" but has no interest in saving a dollar towards it. no long term big picture that motivates him. just from one day to the next, job, money, meds.
My son was laid off (or fired) in October 2017. went on unemployment and then had a few temp jobs. currently is still working. he has always been a good worker, but it is to have money to buy meds to self medicate. I have told him over and over - it is not how much you make, but how you spend it. that is the problem. he does not agree.
You said: "and doesn't seem too concerned with the legal aspect or how all of this is affecting us." Right - he doesn't. our son seems to think we can handle it. mom and dad have house, cars, food, jobs.... anything extra should go to him! (so he thinks) he does not care about our long term welfare.
You said "We have taken the stance that we won't listen or communicate beyond what is necessary. I realize that I, especially need to do things differently so as not to enable him." This is good. start the distance and separation of his responsibility and yours. start drawing the line and boundaries. sit with your husband and a note book and write a short list and agree on how the two of you want to handle it. when your talking to your son, both of you look at the book and be sure to tell him what you have agreed on. what your boundaries are. I am trying to do this with my husband. our son - for the past year - gets us when we are home alone, separated, asks me for $$ asks dad for gas.... you have to be a united front.
You said: "He texted me and asked me to forward his resume to a list of places. I feel like this would be ok and it's not enabling but I don't trust my own judgement anymore."
I think everyone would say this is OK to an extent. but in the grounds of enabling, we should not do for them what they can or should do for themselves. But if this is the most that he asks for and you are not spending your whole day at it, then go ahead.
my husband and I have had the 'work' discussion. on one hand if he is not working, would not need car or gas. if he is working, he can live elsewhere (that's a plus for us) , he is responsible to get up in the morning to go somewhere and be on time, he is working with people in society and maybe that will keep him more sober than not.
Conclusion: start a plan to save yourself and detach. continue to give him information about recovery and where he can get outpatient help. go there yourself to learn more about what you are dealing with and what your son is dealing with. keep reading, educating yourself.
we have been at this 5-6 years. I wish I invested myself better in the beginning. maybe it would not have gone on this long, or maybe we would have detached better by now.
Good Luck! Let us know what works for you!
my son is 28 yr. there are similarities in your story to mine (and the rest of us moms. typical addiction behavior)
Suggestion: Find a local recovery center where he can get help and where you can get help to talk w a counselor and go to group meetings for family. I found one in my community, have been going once a week since December. It has been good for me to talk, and brings me closer to people who can help my son when he is ready. currently he is not ready.
Also poke around SmartRecovery.org. maybe become a member there and attend online meetings for family. The acronym for the family meetings is CRAFT. I have not joined the meetings but have surfed their website and there is a large amount of information for family. I did order a workbook, it has been helpful, although I have not been good at keeping up with the workbook. (too many things to do in a day)
You said "he has not yet apologized or acknowledged that his choices are a problem."
This is a sad point that I have become aware of with my son. He has not apologized or states that he wants to change his behavior. his statements are more like "well, that's not going to happen" when I talk to him about changing.
You said "he refuses to acknowledge the big picture and how the culmination of his choices is affecting his life. " Same here. my son has had a year of working and should have put his own insurance on my old car I gave him. he has not and it is not even something he acknowledges that he wants to or should do. he lives at gf house, but when they are not getting along he comes to our house. he "wants an apartment of his own" but has no interest in saving a dollar towards it. no long term big picture that motivates him. just from one day to the next, job, money, meds.
My son was laid off (or fired) in October 2017. went on unemployment and then had a few temp jobs. currently is still working. he has always been a good worker, but it is to have money to buy meds to self medicate. I have told him over and over - it is not how much you make, but how you spend it. that is the problem. he does not agree.
You said: "and doesn't seem too concerned with the legal aspect or how all of this is affecting us." Right - he doesn't. our son seems to think we can handle it. mom and dad have house, cars, food, jobs.... anything extra should go to him! (so he thinks) he does not care about our long term welfare.
You said "We have taken the stance that we won't listen or communicate beyond what is necessary. I realize that I, especially need to do things differently so as not to enable him." This is good. start the distance and separation of his responsibility and yours. start drawing the line and boundaries. sit with your husband and a note book and write a short list and agree on how the two of you want to handle it. when your talking to your son, both of you look at the book and be sure to tell him what you have agreed on. what your boundaries are. I am trying to do this with my husband. our son - for the past year - gets us when we are home alone, separated, asks me for $$ asks dad for gas.... you have to be a united front.
You said: "He texted me and asked me to forward his resume to a list of places. I feel like this would be ok and it's not enabling but I don't trust my own judgement anymore."
I think everyone would say this is OK to an extent. but in the grounds of enabling, we should not do for them what they can or should do for themselves. But if this is the most that he asks for and you are not spending your whole day at it, then go ahead.
my husband and I have had the 'work' discussion. on one hand if he is not working, would not need car or gas. if he is working, he can live elsewhere (that's a plus for us) , he is responsible to get up in the morning to go somewhere and be on time, he is working with people in society and maybe that will keep him more sober than not.
Conclusion: start a plan to save yourself and detach. continue to give him information about recovery and where he can get outpatient help. go there yourself to learn more about what you are dealing with and what your son is dealing with. keep reading, educating yourself.
we have been at this 5-6 years. I wish I invested myself better in the beginning. maybe it would not have gone on this long, or maybe we would have detached better by now.
Good Luck! Let us know what works for you!
Dear helpmeplease,
Thank you for your reply. My goal was to get insight from others who have been or are going through similar situations so I could figure this out. Your reply helped. Especially this that you said: "when I do things for my son that he can do on his own, I make him weaker. I want an independent, adult son..."
I said that to him to ecpress thst I am not abandoning him, but showing faith in his own abilities to do the right things. Let's see where things go...
Thank you for your reply. My goal was to get insight from others who have been or are going through similar situations so I could figure this out. Your reply helped. Especially this that you said: "when I do things for my son that he can do on his own, I make him weaker. I want an independent, adult son..."
I said that to him to ecpress thst I am not abandoning him, but showing faith in his own abilities to do the right things. Let's see where things go...
NYtoFlorida,
Thank you for your reply. Hearing others' insights is very helpful.
As I was trying to keep my original post brief, I omitted some information that I think I should add. My son is living on his own. He doesn't ask for money; usually it's me that offers to help out when I feel.he may need it, and he's always been somewhat mysterious...that is nothing new with him. For us that's what makes this so difficult to figure out. With anyone else we probably would have acted sooner, but with him things have always been different ever since he's been a small child. The not apologizing is typical of him, and he's always had a difficult time fitting in with others. He has always been very good with his money, but since finishing school he has had a difficult time finding his place in the work world. He doesn't demonstrate that sense of entitlement that you might expect and he is expresses that he wants to do things on his own.
I realize that setting those healthy boundaries is an important step for me and I've expressed that to him as well, and I think he understands that. I feel that we may have caught this in time, but I still fear that there may be some addiction set in. If he can just see that his choices in Friends are not helping him and if he can get away from that crowd I think he might have a chance. I feel sad and Afraid some days because I can't see into the future, and other days I feel hopeful that he will be like everyone else and find his way. He has many people looking out for him and I hope that's enough.
Thank you for your reply. Hearing others' insights is very helpful.
As I was trying to keep my original post brief, I omitted some information that I think I should add. My son is living on his own. He doesn't ask for money; usually it's me that offers to help out when I feel.he may need it, and he's always been somewhat mysterious...that is nothing new with him. For us that's what makes this so difficult to figure out. With anyone else we probably would have acted sooner, but with him things have always been different ever since he's been a small child. The not apologizing is typical of him, and he's always had a difficult time fitting in with others. He has always been very good with his money, but since finishing school he has had a difficult time finding his place in the work world. He doesn't demonstrate that sense of entitlement that you might expect and he is expresses that he wants to do things on his own.
I realize that setting those healthy boundaries is an important step for me and I've expressed that to him as well, and I think he understands that. I feel that we may have caught this in time, but I still fear that there may be some addiction set in. If he can just see that his choices in Friends are not helping him and if he can get away from that crowd I think he might have a chance. I feel sad and Afraid some days because I can't see into the future, and other days I feel hopeful that he will be like everyone else and find his way. He has many people looking out for him and I hope that's enough.
My biggest problem is that I know my son is my weakness. I try to protect him and look out for him and often do more for him than I probably should. I do recognize this and those are the changes I'm trying to make in myself. However I find it very difficult. My husband believes wholly that taking the tough-love stance is what we need to do and for the most part, at least in theory, I am on board, but I am also afraid of pushing my son away and losing him for good. The fear with all this I find, is crippling.
Momsosad,
It IS very difficult. As moms we want to help our children be successful. Sometimes that ends up being supportive and unfortunately sometimes it turns out to be enabling. I think you have to do what feels right in your heart. Perhaps the hardest thing for me was watching my son continue to make poor choices and after helping him out of a few jams, I realized I wasn't helping him by helping him. He had to feel those consequences and I had to stop cushioning his fall. He had to make the choice to seek help on his own and it was difficult, but I finally recognized he had to make the choice. All my advice, all my good intentions were just nagging and an annoyance. I've heard it said that making a suggestion once is fine, but repeating ourselves is trying to control. As a mom, it was hard for me to let go of that control because I thought I could love my son back to health. Sadly, I could not.
Helpmeplease,
These are all the things I'm feeling. I am not a controlling person, but I do have a need to control my experience. My need to maintain health and stability in my family can be overwhelming. I realize that this is MY issue. As much as I want insight, I think I also need reassurance that he will come around...but I know that no one can give me that...
These are all the things I'm feeling. I am not a controlling person, but I do have a need to control my experience. My need to maintain health and stability in my family can be overwhelming. I realize that this is MY issue. As much as I want insight, I think I also need reassurance that he will come around...but I know that no one can give me that...
Momsosad,
You said, "As much as I want insight, I think I also need reassurance that he will come around...but I know that no one can give me that..."
There is nothing easy about this journey. It is heartbreaking and no one here will tell you otherwise. As parents, we remember our beautiful children when they were young and we were able to control their little worlds and keep them safe. (((Momsosad)))
You said, "As much as I want insight, I think I also need reassurance that he will come around...but I know that no one can give me that..."
There is nothing easy about this journey. It is heartbreaking and no one here will tell you otherwise. As parents, we remember our beautiful children when they were young and we were able to control their little worlds and keep them safe. (((Momsosad)))
I understand your fear of doing the wrong thing. Your son is young. I think it is OK to help with resumes and things like that. He is still learning to be independent. The drugs are a concern but this could be a phase he is going through and he could wise up if he doesnt become immersed in the culture or become addicted to a substance. Anything could happen and there are no absolutes he will go either way. I would definitely take this seriously and do all you can now. My thought is that it is harder to be an addict if a person is working. It is hard to keep a job if he on a substance regularly. It can be done but usually not long-term. You cant control all he does but you can be diligently observant of the warning signs and try to steer him in the right direction. If you find that he is addicted and his behavior begins to adversely affect the family or his attitude, you need to distance yourself and make sure you dont start obsessing about his choices. They are his choices. You also need to let him suffer through the results of his actions including the legal results. He will not learn if you protect him from consequences. I always stepped in and helped my son based on promises things would change or because of his begging. I though it would make a difference and he would learn what not to do. It did just the opposite ... he learned he could do whatever and we would come to the rescue. Do not enable, becoming an Enabler sometimes sneaks up on you. You dont realize you are doing it until it is hard to stop. Big mistake we made!
BugginMe,
I really hope this is a phase and that he doesn't have an addiction. He swears he doesn't. Yes, I agree he won't learn from being rescued so no more of that. I want so much to call him and just be there like I've always been...my husband insists that we limit contact to give him that space to figure things out on his own. I agree he needs that but it just goes against my nature. I just want to wake up and have my innocent boy back! He'll be turning 23 in a couple of weeks and I don't want to not acknowledge his birthday...sounds like a small thing but I'm actually stresding over it. I put all of my energy into my relationship with my kids to prevent things like this...I still don't get how it could happen...
I really hope this is a phase and that he doesn't have an addiction. He swears he doesn't. Yes, I agree he won't learn from being rescued so no more of that. I want so much to call him and just be there like I've always been...my husband insists that we limit contact to give him that space to figure things out on his own. I agree he needs that but it just goes against my nature. I just want to wake up and have my innocent boy back! He'll be turning 23 in a couple of weeks and I don't want to not acknowledge his birthday...sounds like a small thing but I'm actually stresding over it. I put all of my energy into my relationship with my kids to prevent things like this...I still don't get how it could happen...
I would not ignore his birthday. You can have boundaries and still show you care. Many of us here have been fighting this fight a long time or have addicted adult kids that are hard to be around ... abusive, mean, mental problems, and unpredictable. It sounds like your son is not in that place. I would keep things as normal as possible. He needs to know you care but wont put up with any BS from him or caused by him. Some distance is good but you dont want to push him to the dark side. At his age, he needs to know he can choose a different road. Dont want to put a roadblock on the road back home. That is just my opinion.
I agree. It is so hard to show our children (no matter what age) that we can love them, without loving everything they do. I had to draw very hard lines witn my son...literally put him on the street, changed locks, etc, before he realized that I was not going to die along with him. It has taken a year now, but we are slowly re-building trust....but I guess I never wanted him to feel he had screwed things up so badly that there is no coming back from it. I do my best to give hope, mercy, wiggle room ....something to believe in. It would only hurt your son to let his birthday go by without a word. Just my opinion.....you are brave and good to reach out. Libby
I certainly don't want to push him to the dark side this was the reason for my opening this thread. I care so much it hurts. I also never mentioned that he has a child on the way due in about a month. Him and the mother have no contact because of domestic situations that occurred months ago. Well today my daughter reached out to her to let her know that we are supportive and want to be a part of the baby's life. She responded positively and with enthusiasm and she welcomes us to be a part of his life. The sad thing is we will all see the baby and his father won't. And then I come home today and I find that he has been put in collections by his credit card company. Slowly his world is falling apart around him. And everything we've been doing to prevent it has done no good. And slowly our world is falling apart. I hope he finds his way out of this fog before he goes any deeper into it. It seems that in less than 2 weeks everything has suddenly changed. It's hard not to feel the despair. But you are right he is not negative and mean and violent. He actually doesn't have a mean bone in his body. But he is withdrawing and that really scares me too.
Hi MSS- I would not skip his birthday. decide how to make it as small or as large as you feel comfortable. just take him out for dinner or buy one necessity he needs? I think this is where I have too much compassion. my compassion makes me enable.... my bad...
I feel similar to you in what you are saying.... hopefully this is a phase, surly he will see addiction is not good, and be able to stop this.... this started for us about 5 yrs ago.
:(
the despair you are talking about --- it is like grief --- unfortunately, we have felt it over and over.
find counseling for yourself and husband - from people who are experts in the field of addiction. (I suggest in other posts) I found a recovery center that treats addiction and family members. I am now feeling much better about myself, our situation, I can bring home ideas to share w my husband, hopefully he will go to counseling someday, and I might be able to get my son to join me... I might not be doing everything right, but I am getting better at separating my life from everyone else's. I feel less of a roller coaster of emotions than I did in the fall. maybe our situation is less rocky at the moment, not great but not in a crisis.... keep reading, keep trying!
I feel similar to you in what you are saying.... hopefully this is a phase, surly he will see addiction is not good, and be able to stop this.... this started for us about 5 yrs ago.
:(
the despair you are talking about --- it is like grief --- unfortunately, we have felt it over and over.
find counseling for yourself and husband - from people who are experts in the field of addiction. (I suggest in other posts) I found a recovery center that treats addiction and family members. I am now feeling much better about myself, our situation, I can bring home ideas to share w my husband, hopefully he will go to counseling someday, and I might be able to get my son to join me... I might not be doing everything right, but I am getting better at separating my life from everyone else's. I feel less of a roller coaster of emotions than I did in the fall. maybe our situation is less rocky at the moment, not great but not in a crisis.... keep reading, keep trying!
libby - thanks for your postings - I feel that way too about letting my son know the past is the past, we can change the future.... I assume he feels worse about the past than we do - although he does not say. we just want our old somewhat happy son back. so hard to draw the lines in the sand, yet still keep the door open for communication. a really tough line to walk. hugs to you!
As I work through all of this in my head I am feeling like we may still be in time to catch the drug issue but there is another issue that needs to be dealt with to achieve healing for all of us. Our son needs to acknowledge to us directly that he has been making bad lifestyle choices and show and communicate ro us that he is sorry and wants to make amends. He has always had an issue with this despite our trying ro twach by the example of openly owning up when we have made mistakes. For my husband, that is the golden event that will vring back communication. My fear is, what if rhat never comes in the way ge ecpects, but he still does work to clean up his life?
Hi Momsosad
Sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you already have a good understanding of boundaries and the importance thereof. But maybe you need to think a bit more about your expectations.
Expectations are another form of control. You have none. As no-one really does over any other human being. We are powerless of people, places and things. I don't mean to sound harsh but expectations are really dangerous, they lead to resentment, bitter disappointment and heart break.
Also you say something like "we may have caught the drug situation in time" there is no we involved. If your son is taking drugs, addicted or not, its only him who can decide he's ready to do something about it. You can support him when that time comes but to say we have caught it in time implies you think you can do something about it. That's control again. And over an addict's drug use you have zero control.
These are hard truths to accept, they really are. But the sooner you can truly accept them the sooner you will be able to find some measure of peace of mind. And I pray I really do that you can have some peace of mind in the midst of your family troubles.
Peace
Idgie
I
Sorry you are having to go through this. Sounds like you already have a good understanding of boundaries and the importance thereof. But maybe you need to think a bit more about your expectations.
Expectations are another form of control. You have none. As no-one really does over any other human being. We are powerless of people, places and things. I don't mean to sound harsh but expectations are really dangerous, they lead to resentment, bitter disappointment and heart break.
Also you say something like "we may have caught the drug situation in time" there is no we involved. If your son is taking drugs, addicted or not, its only him who can decide he's ready to do something about it. You can support him when that time comes but to say we have caught it in time implies you think you can do something about it. That's control again. And over an addict's drug use you have zero control.
These are hard truths to accept, they really are. But the sooner you can truly accept them the sooner you will be able to find some measure of peace of mind. And I pray I really do that you can have some peace of mind in the midst of your family troubles.
Peace
Idgie
I
Hi Idgie,
Thanks for your input. I understand what you are saying about expectations and control, but in reality, everyone has expectations and we all have to meet others' expectations at some point. The question should be whether expectations are reasonable. With regards to control, I realize I have none and that's my struggle. I have worked so hard to ensure that my expectations are reasonable and that they are expressed with love, and as I see it, how can it be resented when a person is approached from a place of love and caring? As far as getting the drug issue in time, I mean before an addiction has set in. We all have a certain amount of influence over those around us and although we don't have complete control, we can possibly influence at the right time, if the person is open. That is my hope with my son. I have no doubt he knows I am not trying to out and out control him because we have always had open communication with each other. He needs to know I am there and I know he understands I am trying to help him have a better life. I sometimes feel my husband's expectations can be too high and that has been a secret stressor of mine over time. All I want is for my son to have a good and wholesome life and I know he has to make that life on his own. I guess I was just never prepared for him to make choices in his adult life that would lead to anything else. I do understand the need for healthy boundaries and am working to ensure that without removing myself completely. I want to be available to mentor and give advice when needed. I do admit that I am experiencing a lot of confusion over how to achieve that...
Thanks for your input. I understand what you are saying about expectations and control, but in reality, everyone has expectations and we all have to meet others' expectations at some point. The question should be whether expectations are reasonable. With regards to control, I realize I have none and that's my struggle. I have worked so hard to ensure that my expectations are reasonable and that they are expressed with love, and as I see it, how can it be resented when a person is approached from a place of love and caring? As far as getting the drug issue in time, I mean before an addiction has set in. We all have a certain amount of influence over those around us and although we don't have complete control, we can possibly influence at the right time, if the person is open. That is my hope with my son. I have no doubt he knows I am not trying to out and out control him because we have always had open communication with each other. He needs to know I am there and I know he understands I am trying to help him have a better life. I sometimes feel my husband's expectations can be too high and that has been a secret stressor of mine over time. All I want is for my son to have a good and wholesome life and I know he has to make that life on his own. I guess I was just never prepared for him to make choices in his adult life that would lead to anything else. I do understand the need for healthy boundaries and am working to ensure that without removing myself completely. I want to be available to mentor and give advice when needed. I do admit that I am experiencing a lot of confusion over how to achieve that...
