Hi. I am new here and thought posting this here would be better than a relationship message board because my boyfriend's heroin addiction played a part in our relationship. I have been dating a guy who has been a heroin addict for around 10 years. The past 3 he was clean because he was in jail. We knew each other as kids and our moms are friends so I know what he's been through. We started dating after he was released and everything was good. We fell in love very fast and to me it seemed like a great relationship. I have never loved anyone like I love him. We talked about living together after he got a stable job, marriage, and starting a life together. In fact he was the one who brought all of this up, I'm not the kind of girl pushing for marriage and all of that but it was nice to hear that he saw a future with me, or so I thought. About 2 months ago he relapsed for a week or so and worked very hard to detox himself and was clean for 2-3 weeks until he had a very bad day and used again. This relapse lasted about 2 weeks with him trying to taper down the amount of heroin and detox the entire time until he decided to go to rehab again. I fully supported this decision. We started this relationship with the understanding that his priority was getting his life together and being clean. I was behind this plan 100% and did everything I could to help him with this goal.
He was in rehab for 21 days, with an additional 7 days detoxing. During this time we talked every week and wrote letters. The whole time he told me he loved me and couldn't wait to see me. Everything seemed normal until the day he got home, Christmas eve. We talked on the phone and he said he would get settled in at home and call me in a few hours and said he loved me and wanted to see me. The whole day went by and he didn't call. I finally asked if he wanted to see me but told me he was going to spend the day with his family since it was his first Christmas home in 7 years. I was disappointed but understood. The next morning he texts me and breaks up with me, telling me he went to a meeting and decided to commit to doing 12 steps and shouldn't be in a relationship right now but wanted me in his life and wanted to be better for me in the future. I was devastated but want the best for him so understood. It turns out he spent Christmas eve, his first day home, hanging out with a girl from rehab and broke up with me because he felt there was something there with her. He swears he wasn't leading me on during rehab and his feelings were real. I don't understand this, if his feelings were real for me how did they disappear so fast? Did he just want to be in a relationship and tried to make himself love me? Was he just lonely after getting out of jail and I was the first person to come along?
After talking to him more he said he really is doing 12 steps and used that excuse so he wouldn't hurt me as much. He also told me I am an enabler because he knows I wouldn't leave him even if he kept messing up and relapsing. I told him no I wouldn't leave him for relapsing as long as I saw that he was trying to help himself and everyone deserves support if they are trying to fix themselves and mistakes are part of the process. The fact that he saw my unconditional love as enabling is really bothering me. The whole time we were together he told me about people who have left him because of his mistakes and how he really saw who his friends were because of this and who cared about him. Is he right, was me sticking by his side enabling? I do not support his heroin use, I want him clean and happy, I would tell him when I was disappointed but always tried to be encouraging that he could beat this and be clean. I actually feel that him calling me an enabler is more upsetting to me than him leaving me for another girl after one day of spending time with her out side of rehab.
This whole thing is so upsetting to me. I keep wishing he went to another rehab and didn't meet this girl but I know that if he so easily dropped me and replaced me, his feelings for me couldn't of been as deep as he made me feel like they were. And if it wasn't this girl it would of been another at some point.
Before he hung out with her he told me he feels bad for her because she was disowned by her family and sent to rehab after getting into trouble during a night of drinking but she really isn't an addict/alcoholic. I feel like maybe he likes her because he gets to help her and be the stronger one in the relationship where as with us he was the one with bigger problems and I am more stable. Even if she isn't an addict it makes me nervous that he is with someone who is struggling with life problems right now. He needs to focus on his own issues.
I keep telling myself not to take this personally, he is very lost in life right now but it still hurts like hell. I still love him and care deeply for him despite this and don't know what to do. He told me he always wants me in his life as I am the only person he can be honest with and feels comfortable talking to. I feel the same and cant imagine losing the friendship with him. This is all so confusing, shocking, and devastating. I am in total disbelief. I thought after rehab things might be better for him and us and never saw this coming.
Sorry for my long post. I need to get this out and have no one to talk to who can relate to the addiction part of all of this. Thank you for reading.
Being the parent of an addict, I feel that I can never really ever break that relationship. My role as a mother is to love my child unconditionally. I do love her but refuse to enable her. As a girlfriend you do have the freedom (socially acceptable freedom) to stop being in a relationship with your addict boyfriend. Even though emotionally it is very difficult I am being completely honest when I tell you to see what he is doing for you as a gift. This is not something that is ever cured and the life you would have with a recovering addict would not be an easy one. Even though you are sad and feel lost please feel relieved to be removed of this burden of addiction. Even remaining friends with him will be hard, of course it is your decision but just giving my thoughts since it seemed like maybe you wanted some views on this.
I'm an Enabler. She's the addict. We had/have a unique relationship. She's much younger (26). We have a beautiful 4 month old daughter. Grandma has custody of baby because of pill abuse. I'm fighting to get custody. Don't know if I'm right in staying/ getting back with her if she will get/ try to stay sober. First boundary is honesty. If that is broken no deal(so could end any second). If it wasn't for our daughter, I think I would move on. Either way it hurts. Have to give at least a couple chances. Reality is if she dumped me, I think i would be a better dad and free of her monster. Think loving an addict is always going to be tough love. Is it like a nightmare 3 person relationship and the addict not leaving to enjoy one on one. (obviously I'm not perfect I have codependent issues) TOUGH LOVE - Think about it. Either way, be the best you can be to yourself.
Thank you for your replies. I definitely do want other people's views on the situation I am in right now and appreciate yours. I have thought about the burden that has been lifted now that we're not together because I know being in a relationship with someone with an addiction is never easy. Its been scary not knowing if he would ever really stay clean or not and would our lives together ever feel completely stable with the threat of slipping back into addiction always there but I always felt the relationship we had was worth it. I guess since he has made this decision all I can do now is try to move on and stop worrying about him and his choices. Much easier said than done though. I so badly want to call him and ask how things are going and have a normal conversation again. I feel like this is more difficult that our entire relationship.
beingme- I wish you all the best with your relationship with your girlfriend. It must make it especially hard when there is a child involved. I guess they call it tough love for a reason. Its never easy to know the truly right thing to do.
Thank you again for your input.
I would really appreciate some opinions on him calling me an enabler because he knew I wouldn't leave him if he messed up. Was I right to offer my unconditional love and support as long as he was trying to stay clean and take care of the problem if he made mistakes? I know no matter what changes people try to make in life they are bound to have a few setbacks, its a part of the process and i don't think you leave someone if they are trying to get themselves back on track again. It really hurts that he would call that enabling because I was very conscious to not support his drug use in any way.
He knows I never wanted to be an enabler so part of me is wondering if he threw that in there to get to me. He hadn't suggested anything like this in the past other than saying he felt terrible for putting me through this. I always replied that he wasn't putting me through anything, I was choosing to go through this with him and I knew what I was getting myself into when I made the decision to be with him.
beingme- I wish you all the best with your relationship with your girlfriend. It must make it especially hard when there is a child involved. I guess they call it tough love for a reason. Its never easy to know the truly right thing to do.
Thank you again for your input.
I would really appreciate some opinions on him calling me an enabler because he knew I wouldn't leave him if he messed up. Was I right to offer my unconditional love and support as long as he was trying to stay clean and take care of the problem if he made mistakes? I know no matter what changes people try to make in life they are bound to have a few setbacks, its a part of the process and i don't think you leave someone if they are trying to get themselves back on track again. It really hurts that he would call that enabling because I was very conscious to not support his drug use in any way.
He knows I never wanted to be an enabler so part of me is wondering if he threw that in there to get to me. He hadn't suggested anything like this in the past other than saying he felt terrible for putting me through this. I always replied that he wasn't putting me through anything, I was choosing to go through this with him and I knew what I was getting myself into when I made the decision to be with him.
One of the many lessons I have learned in life and reinforced through this experience is spending time trying to dissect what someone means when they say something is a waste of my precious time. We never know exactly what is in the mind of a healthy person when they speak to us let alone an active addict. Two days later, he could say something completely different and deny he ever said that to begin with. Remember that actions speak louder than words and he has shown you through his actions that he wants to move on to another relationship. Will he regret this down the road? No one knows for sure so don't waste your time trying to predict and guess what the future holds.
Do you feel like an enabler? From what you say it doesn't seem like you were. You offered love and support and that is ok but I hope you did have some conditions such as asking for honesty and whatever you are comfortable with him and his drug use. If you knew he used and did nothing and just accepted it then you are an enabler. Yes they can relapse at times but the minute you find out about the relapse I feel it must be dealt with immediately, not just accepted as a normal process. A relapse can be a slip where they come clean to you immediately sharing their sorrow of their weakness or the relapse can lead to a much heavier use period where the cycle just continues and the lies and hidden life continue. Only you know what type of relapse is experienced and how to move forward.
Try to deal with the facts and try to stay away from the "what ifs", they will drive you crazy and will make the separation from him even harder. The facts are that he is an addict, he chose to break up with you and he has chosen to move on with another women. Why he did all this only he knows deep down and while he is using I can bet he doesn't really know for sure, he is just working on impulses and not thinking out anything very clearly.
Do you feel like an enabler? From what you say it doesn't seem like you were. You offered love and support and that is ok but I hope you did have some conditions such as asking for honesty and whatever you are comfortable with him and his drug use. If you knew he used and did nothing and just accepted it then you are an enabler. Yes they can relapse at times but the minute you find out about the relapse I feel it must be dealt with immediately, not just accepted as a normal process. A relapse can be a slip where they come clean to you immediately sharing their sorrow of their weakness or the relapse can lead to a much heavier use period where the cycle just continues and the lies and hidden life continue. Only you know what type of relapse is experienced and how to move forward.
Try to deal with the facts and try to stay away from the "what ifs", they will drive you crazy and will make the separation from him even harder. The facts are that he is an addict, he chose to break up with you and he has chosen to move on with another women. Why he did all this only he knows deep down and while he is using I can bet he doesn't really know for sure, he is just working on impulses and not thinking out anything very clearly.
Thank you so much for your helpful reply Sportsgirl. I really appreciate your input, it has helped me see this from another perspective. You are very right when you say the what ifs will drive you crazy. I think I've gone through just about every "what if" possible and it has done me more harm than good.
I don't feel like I enabled him so I am trying to disregard what he said and trust what I feel. I did have conditions to his drug use and asked for complete honesty. I also encouraged him to give NA meetings another try, which he has. He has told me, even after the break up, that I am the only person he can be totally honest with and can talk to about stuff.
I may never know the truth about why he said some things or why he ended our relationship and I have to learn to accept that. You're right that even he may not even know for sure why he made these choices. And if he doesn't how could I ever try to figure it out. I really need to stop analyzing every second of our relationship and everything after and try to accept the facts.
The people I'm close to don't understand why I dont hate him and how I could even consider still being in his life and they don't understand his addiction so talking to them is just frustrating for me. You have really helped me. Thank you again for your input.
I don't feel like I enabled him so I am trying to disregard what he said and trust what I feel. I did have conditions to his drug use and asked for complete honesty. I also encouraged him to give NA meetings another try, which he has. He has told me, even after the break up, that I am the only person he can be totally honest with and can talk to about stuff.
I may never know the truth about why he said some things or why he ended our relationship and I have to learn to accept that. You're right that even he may not even know for sure why he made these choices. And if he doesn't how could I ever try to figure it out. I really need to stop analyzing every second of our relationship and everything after and try to accept the facts.
The people I'm close to don't understand why I dont hate him and how I could even consider still being in his life and they don't understand his addiction so talking to them is just frustrating for me. You have really helped me. Thank you again for your input.
One of the sad byproducts of treatment centers, and 12-step meetings, are romances or "13th stepping".
People in treatment are usaully very lonely, scared, broken, and vulnerable. During my 21 days of treatment there were 3 such incicdents despite a clear policy and 24x7 observation including cameras. In the following weeks during outpatient treatment there were many more.
I am a strong proponent of waiting 1 year of sobriety before the recoverying addict thinks about a relationship.
For women who in recovery, I strongly suggest a women's-only meeting.
There are some vocal critics of AA and NA. Most of their complaints are baseless. They do have a good point about the 13th-stepping, however, regarding some meetings.
People in treatment are usaully very lonely, scared, broken, and vulnerable. During my 21 days of treatment there were 3 such incicdents despite a clear policy and 24x7 observation including cameras. In the following weeks during outpatient treatment there were many more.
I am a strong proponent of waiting 1 year of sobriety before the recoverying addict thinks about a relationship.
For women who in recovery, I strongly suggest a women's-only meeting.
There are some vocal critics of AA and NA. Most of their complaints are baseless. They do have a good point about the 13th-stepping, however, regarding some meetings.
Yes, my daughter is 13th stepping right now and it is driving me crazy! We sent her to an all women's treatment center and she did great there but once she went to sober living and they had joint meetings she falls right back into dating a rehab boy again after she had completed her sober living experience. Other than that one thing she is doing fine but that is her Achilles's heal and it is hard to get through to her that this is one of the experiences that may pull her out of her sobriety. But just like the drug, I can't control this just voice my opinion. I hope this is short lived!
It does take 2 to "13th Step".
Hopefully your daughter comes to the point where she hears the music but doesn't feel the need to get up and dance.
The Native Americans call it "Walking the Red Road".
Seeing and being aware of the good around us .. and the bad. Accepting what is.
Then choosing balance .
That is hard for normal folks to navigate on a daily (moment by moment) basis.
Literally impossible for an untreated or new addict/alcoholic to do.
As with any "skill" we get better with time if we apply ourselves to the solution and not the problem.
We need a "program" for guidance and direction.,And a Higher Power for strength to carry on.
All the best.
Bob R
Hopefully your daughter comes to the point where she hears the music but doesn't feel the need to get up and dance.
The Native Americans call it "Walking the Red Road".
Seeing and being aware of the good around us .. and the bad. Accepting what is.
Then choosing balance .
That is hard for normal folks to navigate on a daily (moment by moment) basis.
Literally impossible for an untreated or new addict/alcoholic to do.
As with any "skill" we get better with time if we apply ourselves to the solution and not the problem.
We need a "program" for guidance and direction.,And a Higher Power for strength to carry on.
All the best.
Bob R
Hi... I see I'm a little late here but I just joined this group today and read this post. I can totally relate to you, except I am married to my addict. A lot of what you said really hits home for me and I'm glad I found your post. When you mentioned him resenting you as an enabler - I never really thought of my situation in that light but it makes a lot of sense. I think you and I are a lot alike and our care and compassion and love can backfire on us. I think I always sort of knew this, but never really said it out loud so to speak... also, the part about him meeting this girl in rehab - I have often wondered and worried if my husband is better off with another addict. I have said it out of anger 'you would get high together and be happy rather than fight with me because I refuse to let you self destruct anymore...' etc. etc... but also thought maybe a recovering addict could support him better than I could as an enabler. I truly never thought about the aspect of him being the stronger one or support system for another addict and having the relationship roles reversed... I'm so used to being the one with my crap together, fixing his mistakes, the source of money to pay off the dealer and make everything okay, that he might find satisfaction in being the strong one...
I have been struggling through this mess with my husband for years. I think you are relatively young if I'm not mistaken? I am only 26 years old, but like I said I'm sort of a 'veteran' with this... yet you seem to have a lot of insight for someone so new to this type of relationship...
I can't believe that I, of all people am saying this, but you may have a blessing in disguise that you can separate yourself from this situation. Maybe he will truly continue the NA meetings and twelve steps and possibly come back to you with a new perspective and understanding for why you 'enabled' him in his eyes... the program deals a lot with making ammends, so maybe he will realize you acted out of love and support for him. I truly hope that either way, you are free from what COULD have Become of your life -whether you take this all as a hard lesson and move on with a new perspective, or if you two reunite with him being clean and appreciative if your support when he was at a low point...
I have been struggling through this mess with my husband for years. I think you are relatively young if I'm not mistaken? I am only 26 years old, but like I said I'm sort of a 'veteran' with this... yet you seem to have a lot of insight for someone so new to this type of relationship...
I can't believe that I, of all people am saying this, but you may have a blessing in disguise that you can separate yourself from this situation. Maybe he will truly continue the NA meetings and twelve steps and possibly come back to you with a new perspective and understanding for why you 'enabled' him in his eyes... the program deals a lot with making ammends, so maybe he will realize you acted out of love and support for him. I truly hope that either way, you are free from what COULD have Become of your life -whether you take this all as a hard lesson and move on with a new perspective, or if you two reunite with him being clean and appreciative if your support when he was at a low point...
