Thank you all so much for your cool advice, my head has been in bits over the past few days, I haven't even been visiting the site, and yeah as you've probably already guessed I have been using...alot.
I have made up my mind now that I am going to make sure that he has nothing more to do with my life, I just can't go through with it anymore, since he has been in jail this time I am seeing him for what he really is - a bully.
He has knocked my confidence so much that I feel like I am worthless, and useless, and at the moment I am hating myself more than usual for using over the past few days or so, I am not trying to make excuses for using, but as his release date is getting nearer I am crapping myself. He lied about when he was getting out, he told me August, but it is only a couple more weeks. Since I found that out, I have felt SO depressed, and got my old security blanket of heroin out once again. God, I hate the way he has had this hold over me. In the past I have said that this is it with him and it is over, but I don't know what is different this time but something is, for sure. My head and my heart knows what I have got to do, for my own sake and that of my son. I used to feel sorry for him and I think that was a big reason for staying with him, and of course he was keeping my habit. I know now that I don't need him, he needs someone to control and to take his anger out on, well it aint gonna be me no more.
If the worse comes to the worse once he is out, I will involve the police, although that really is not my style, but on the other hand I have 3 brothers and if they knew the half of it, he would have disappeared a long time ago! LOL
Thank you all so much, it means a lot to know that there are people concerned enough to give me their advice and opinions. Maybe now I will get a decent nihgts sleep for the first time since I met him. I wrote him a letter explaining how I felt, and got a phone call at 8 am after he had recieved the letter, calling me every name under the sun, as well as all kinds of threats, so I just hung up and thank the Lord, I aint heard since. Maybe he finally is getting the message?
Sorry to bore you with all this s***, but its not a subject many people want to talk about, and I don't wanna put my problems on others.
Thanks again and God Bless
Loadsa Love
Claire xxx
Claire Good for you! I remember the first time I got sober, started feeling bad for the jerk that I was previously with, and he did the same things as yours! Always making me feel like I was a terrible person, he empowered himself by lowering my self esteem, so much so that I went back to him and right back into drugs. There is going to be a crossroads in your recovery from drugs and your recovery from him... I know it's cliche but remember "People, Places, and Things!" You are going to miss him after a while, he as well as drugs are your comfort zone. There is going to be a long period when you don't know who you are, and you will want to go back to what you know because it makes you feel safe. Dont! Keep in mind the way he has degraded you and enabled your addiction! The more you say NO to yourself when it comes to thoughts of him the easier it will be, and the same goes for drugs. You are a heroin addict, and it's a life long struggle, you must treat everything negative in your life they way you treat your heroin addiction, you can water these nagative weeds and watch them strangle everything positive in your life, or uproot them so eventually they disapear and when the seeds start showing up you know how to get rid of them promptly and effectivley. HE is a weed, and I'm glad you've uprooted him! Remember now that keeping your mind and body clean like any garden is going to rquire maintenence! Keep us updated so we don't worry and good luck!
Claire
You are not boring us with your problems at all.
I think it is a good thing that you are able to talk about personal stuff i just want to say KEEP COMING BACK we are here for you.
For me personally when i read about other peoples problems it sort of puts my own problems in prespective.
I hope you do seek help from the old bill when you have to, as you have said there is a child in the picture also.
I do sincerly hope to here from you soon
Good luck and stay in touch
Emily
You are not boring us with your problems at all.
I think it is a good thing that you are able to talk about personal stuff i just want to say KEEP COMING BACK we are here for you.
For me personally when i read about other peoples problems it sort of puts my own problems in prespective.
I hope you do seek help from the old bill when you have to, as you have said there is a child in the picture also.
I do sincerly hope to here from you soon
Good luck and stay in touch
Emily
Claire, Forget all that about bothering us w/ your problems,;I thought that was what this place was all about--where we can come & lay it out w/ others & not feel so alone--this drug is such an isolating thing. I can hardly keep straight who has kids & who is single-o,whatever, but if there is a child in the picture, wow, far out, STAY AWAY from this guy!! Trooper has some really solid advice & so does Emily. I also think you may be HIS enabler, as he is yours- this stuff doesn't run one way.He puts you down so he can twist you to his tune. I know what THAT'S all about...let's hope yr letter + hanging up on him has made him see sense.Let us know what happens & remember, YOU are NOT "grassing".There is an issue of safetyhere, and a child.All bars drop then.Take Care!
