Where to start.
I've been with my partner for nearly 8 years now. In hindsight, I can see that he has probably had an alcohol dependence of varying degrees throughout that entire time, but it is in recent years I realise how significant this dependence is.
I can't count the times I have come home from work on his day off and his eyes have been glazed over, he's been slurring, abrupt, evasive. I didn't pick up the signs straight away but it was more and more evident with time. I also can't count the times I have found receipts for bottles of wine that seem to 'disappear', I've found empty bottles hidden in his wardrobe, or in bags, suitcases, drawers. I have also come home from work at lunch time a number of times and found him borderline unresponsive with empty bottles strewn about. Sometimes his drinking seems really problematic, maybe 2-3 bottles of wine on his days off and then he'll even brazenly bring a bottle or two home most nights of the week during a bad spell. When we've had spirits in the house they have also been consumed during day time binges.
He is a high functioning alcoholic in the sense that he is a professional with responsibilities and many who work with him would think he is very level headed and an achiever. Behind closed doors he is totally different. Sometimes I feel like I know two of him as his personality is so different depending on whether he has been drinking or not. Within a moment of seeing him I can tell if he has been drinking as his mannerisms are so different from the norm.
Over the years I have tried everything to encourage him to stop but nothing has worked and since he will lie to my face about drinking, even when I have evidence right before him, it is an impossible subject to tackle on an adult level. I have tried simply asking him to stop, pleading, challenging him, being strict, humouring him, making light of it, celebrating small successes... nothing I have tried has worked. He will deny having a problem of any description when confronted, whether confronted in a loving or angry manner, or anywhere inbetween. He will often get short tempered if I try to discuss it and he will try to flip things back at me, suggesting I am being unreasonable. I just don't know how to tackle this problem anymore. When he has brought wine home to drink some nights I have found myself drinking some just to prevent him drinking the whole bottle(s).
I am on this forum today because after almost leaving him 5 weeks ago, I thought he had realised the impact of his drinking. He had stopped, at least I have tried to believe, but he may just have been hiding it better. Today however, I came home to find him glassy eyed and evasive. After lying to me over and over, so flippantly, he eventually admitted he'd been drinking through the day. I am at a loss. I am done being lied to, it makes me feel so insignificant to him. Our lives are very intertwined, we have a mortgage together. I try to believe there is hope but I can't ever see him changing because he thinks it is normal to consume copious amounts of alcohol throughout the day when he's off work and normal to consume drinks at 2-3x the rate of everybody else at social events. He has had so many wakeup calls he has chosen to ignore. He was refused health/life cover because of his medical records (fatty liver from drinking) and his Mum has also recognised his problem.
What do you do in such a situation?
Hi Bramford, and welcome to a safe, supportive group. If you are reading other posts, you will see overwhelmimg evidence to support the thre "C"s of this journey. It is hard to take them in, at first. But there is a peace you find, if you reach out to others who are in your shoes. Addiction is a progressive disease, and recovery will come only when the person with the disease realizes they need help. Hard stuff all the way around, and truly the strongest thing you can do is seek recovery for you. Little by little, your partner may see that you and his addiction have broken up. There have also been posts about free legal advice regarding the shared mortgage. Keep reaching out in any direction that helps. Sending peace, Libby
