:Nothing can stand between me and my sobriety.
Good On Ya! I had to become incredibly self-centered with my sobriety and make choices that directly affected ME when I started. I've blathered on daily (nearly) about my recovery on this board and the people here have tolerated my doing so. Feel free to share--it really DOES work if you work it!
:Garda station (Police station) on Friday to be officially cautioned
Yeah, well, the wreckage of our past lives has a way of raising its tail, but the good thing is that you'll be clear headed and humble about it rather than yelling and getting yourself into further trouble, huh? At least you can HEAR your HP now.... :)
:what feeling is so terrible that drink is the only way to run away from it....
We all have our own selfish reasons, but it's generally about fears deeply entrenched in us. Years of picking at scabs or blaming others or trying to control stuff. Drinking is merely a symptom of our behaviours, not the cause. Realizing that we have been fooling ourselves if we believe we control everything/everyone or are the World's Greatest/Smartest Whatever, we slowly slipped toward the edge of insanity: Doing the same crap every time and expecting some different result! We've come to a point when we realize that we have to make changes or it'll kill us. And we need help to do that.
:learning to live with life's ups and downs without it is the real challenge.
Yup. Life On Life's Terms. One Day at a Time. The funny thing for me is that once I slowed down, life's gotten real yummy. And not just being able to eat solid food again, either! LOL
We're here for ya! Peaceness!
Thanks SKG,
What was your 'rock bottom'? When or how did you know that your drinking had to stop before it stopped you .....permanently.
Hope this isn't too personal a question
What was your 'rock bottom'? When or how did you know that your drinking had to stop before it stopped you .....permanently.
Hope this isn't too personal a question
I never had any trouble with the law, and still have all my "yets." So far. (a "yet," by the way, is: I haven't lost my family--yet; I haven't been in jail--yet; I haven't gotten a DUI--yet)
I was a very fun drunk--Life o' the Party, anything for you, just a pleasure to be around--ask me, I'd tell you! At the end, I couldn't get drunk anymore. I didn't have the body weight for liquor or spirits, and I could drink beer until the cows came home, so I switched to wine and got REAL good at drinking that, too. I could drink LITERS of it and still manage (I thought) my life. My problem was that I was getting sicker and sicker inside. I stopped eating because I couldn't seem to keep stuff in my stomach very long and I couldn't eat all kinds of stuff because it'd react to all the acids in my intestines. My hypothalamus was ALL f***ed up and I was freezing or sweating, shaking all the time, and had to drink just to be 'normal.' Toward the end I'd leave work in the morning--8:00 or so--and go to a grocery in another town to get bottles of wine, then drive around in the country and drink. I'd be s***-faced by 10 or 11. I couldn't go back to work or my home, so I'd find a place and park and drink. Then I'd call in to work and say I was in another town visiting a customer. I'd go home, pass out for a while, then get up and drink some more, and then start fixing dinner in the kitchen. I'd make some hellacious dishes--I love cooking when I was buzzin'--and then Spousal Unit would come home around 6 or 7 and I'd hurry and pour some wine and we'd sit down to dinner, then drink all evening. She did it because I did it. The children were out of the house and it was something to do. And fight or laugh or f*** or whatever--just to exist together. Then go to bed and pass out. And do it again.
My physical health was spiraling down FAST. My speech was affected, my brain, everything. I began to be depressed so I went and got some Anti Deps and saw a shrink for a while. They put me on Campral, Antabuse and Lexapro because I was depressed. I said it was because my children had left the nest and I was an "Empty Nester," but I was spiraling into depression because, go figure, alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.
Well, as I've said before, that stuff will keep you from drinking or make you sicker than s*** if you drink on it, but I tried. And then I had to plan when I'd drink, and I did that every chance I got. I should have been fired probably, but I guess I hid it okay--and I run the company, too, so it was easier to be gone alot. BUT I finally got sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED. I couldn't get drunk anymore--but every system, including my eyesight and bodily functions--were going down the tubes. I HAD to QUIT or DIE. I even have a desperate Post-It note in my wallet I found recently that I'd written when I was in desperate need of stopping--but couldn't. It says, "NO MORE! Please!"
So after I drank myself into not being able to go on a beach vacation and having to tell the people we were going with that I couldn't go because I was too drunk, it was time.
The following Sunday I met a guy who'd been going to AA for a few months and he shared his ES&H. I went to my first meeting that next Tuesday. It's documented here in this forum. I've been going ever since--and staying sober.
Not really all that dramatic compared to others, but the baggage I've uncovered would suggest I cause alot of wreckage--most of it to me. And I was EXCELLENT at hiding it!
I'm good now. One day at a time. Go to meetings. Get your spirit right for yourself--it's made all the difference for me.
I was a very fun drunk--Life o' the Party, anything for you, just a pleasure to be around--ask me, I'd tell you! At the end, I couldn't get drunk anymore. I didn't have the body weight for liquor or spirits, and I could drink beer until the cows came home, so I switched to wine and got REAL good at drinking that, too. I could drink LITERS of it and still manage (I thought) my life. My problem was that I was getting sicker and sicker inside. I stopped eating because I couldn't seem to keep stuff in my stomach very long and I couldn't eat all kinds of stuff because it'd react to all the acids in my intestines. My hypothalamus was ALL f***ed up and I was freezing or sweating, shaking all the time, and had to drink just to be 'normal.' Toward the end I'd leave work in the morning--8:00 or so--and go to a grocery in another town to get bottles of wine, then drive around in the country and drink. I'd be s***-faced by 10 or 11. I couldn't go back to work or my home, so I'd find a place and park and drink. Then I'd call in to work and say I was in another town visiting a customer. I'd go home, pass out for a while, then get up and drink some more, and then start fixing dinner in the kitchen. I'd make some hellacious dishes--I love cooking when I was buzzin'--and then Spousal Unit would come home around 6 or 7 and I'd hurry and pour some wine and we'd sit down to dinner, then drink all evening. She did it because I did it. The children were out of the house and it was something to do. And fight or laugh or f*** or whatever--just to exist together. Then go to bed and pass out. And do it again.
My physical health was spiraling down FAST. My speech was affected, my brain, everything. I began to be depressed so I went and got some Anti Deps and saw a shrink for a while. They put me on Campral, Antabuse and Lexapro because I was depressed. I said it was because my children had left the nest and I was an "Empty Nester," but I was spiraling into depression because, go figure, alcohol is a DEPRESSANT.
Well, as I've said before, that stuff will keep you from drinking or make you sicker than s*** if you drink on it, but I tried. And then I had to plan when I'd drink, and I did that every chance I got. I should have been fired probably, but I guess I hid it okay--and I run the company, too, so it was easier to be gone alot. BUT I finally got sick and tired of being SICK AND TIRED. I couldn't get drunk anymore--but every system, including my eyesight and bodily functions--were going down the tubes. I HAD to QUIT or DIE. I even have a desperate Post-It note in my wallet I found recently that I'd written when I was in desperate need of stopping--but couldn't. It says, "NO MORE! Please!"
So after I drank myself into not being able to go on a beach vacation and having to tell the people we were going with that I couldn't go because I was too drunk, it was time.
The following Sunday I met a guy who'd been going to AA for a few months and he shared his ES&H. I went to my first meeting that next Tuesday. It's documented here in this forum. I've been going ever since--and staying sober.
Not really all that dramatic compared to others, but the baggage I've uncovered would suggest I cause alot of wreckage--most of it to me. And I was EXCELLENT at hiding it!
I'm good now. One day at a time. Go to meetings. Get your spirit right for yourself--it's made all the difference for me.
Thanks for sharing, SKG...boy, I could relate to a lot of your story...
xoxo
xoxo
Agreed, thanks SKG.
That was a pretty rough time of it alright. Maybe the 'yets' never happened because you could hide it so well. But thankfully you are here now before the yets started materialising. My yets had started - trouble with the law and ultimatums from my family and partner. My last boss was a recovering alcoholic - I think that's why I didn't lose my job. He really liked me in a fatherly way and believed I could get over this. I found myself talking to him about my own addiction. And he knew full well that most lunch times I would go out and down 2-3 glasses of wine which would be washed back by more wine after work at the train station and another bottle or two once I got home. Needless to say my work performance was not at its best. I went for liver function tests at Christmas and thankfully no long term damage was done but i kept breaking out in the weirdest skin rash and that does indicate liver damage doesn't it? There is a name for it - I can't remember what though.
Anyway, it was good to hear your story and it's even better that you are coming out the happier side of that now..................!
That was a pretty rough time of it alright. Maybe the 'yets' never happened because you could hide it so well. But thankfully you are here now before the yets started materialising. My yets had started - trouble with the law and ultimatums from my family and partner. My last boss was a recovering alcoholic - I think that's why I didn't lose my job. He really liked me in a fatherly way and believed I could get over this. I found myself talking to him about my own addiction. And he knew full well that most lunch times I would go out and down 2-3 glasses of wine which would be washed back by more wine after work at the train station and another bottle or two once I got home. Needless to say my work performance was not at its best. I went for liver function tests at Christmas and thankfully no long term damage was done but i kept breaking out in the weirdest skin rash and that does indicate liver damage doesn't it? There is a name for it - I can't remember what though.
Anyway, it was good to hear your story and it's even better that you are coming out the happier side of that now..................!
Hi Ruth,
Don't think that 3 weeks sober "isn't much" , its HUGE! And yes, I too wonder why I drank, it seems rather silly now, and such a waste of money and time. but I did drink and it was/is an adjustment to be sober all the time now. I drank to get numb and when that was taken away there was a big empty spot that took some gettin used to.
Good luck on the next 3 weeks Cookster
Don't think that 3 weeks sober "isn't much" , its HUGE! And yes, I too wonder why I drank, it seems rather silly now, and such a waste of money and time. but I did drink and it was/is an adjustment to be sober all the time now. I drank to get numb and when that was taken away there was a big empty spot that took some gettin used to.
Good luck on the next 3 weeks Cookster
There's so much more to add--all the BS and terrible thoughts and stuff, but the bottom line is that I was THIS CLOSE to destroying everything I had worked so hard to achieve. The "What For," is only coming out now...
If I think about anything more than today, now, this moment, I find myself getting anxious. Almost overwhelmed with the vastness of it all! How in the world I figured I was in control of it all just escapes me now! Also, though, realizing that I'm powerless and needed some SERIOUS spiritual repair, I've found a new richness to everything. Just being alive IN THE DAY and not either obsessing over the next drink or over someone else's actions/behaviours or whatever--I CHOOSE to be the me I never took the time to get to know. And guess what? I'm not as much of a buttmunch as I figured! Once I started to work through where my resentments lie, I find only one thing in common--and it's ME. I was so wrapped up in Fear of Acceptance that I spun my whole life around either being better than you and looking down on you or being ambivalent about your existence--which is even worse than hatred. I didn't care about anything except whether I was doing what I needed to do to be loved, admired, worshipped, and adorned with praise on MY TERMS.
Okay, it's been all about ME day today, but if you've taken the time to read this and see yourself anywhere, then it helped. Ruth, I NEVER could have stayed away from the sauce for more than a day--and I'd reward myself double-duty if I did even THAT. When I got my first shiney medallion I was absolutely beaming because it came drug-free, angst free, hate-free, and simply me. Since then I'm finding out that there's so much to life--even the mundane parts--that I just completely overlooked because I was too busy being a wonderful martyr.
I love life and the ride now, rather than trying to conquer it. And it's a simple program: Yesterday's gone, Tomorrow's a mystery. That's why today's a present...
:)
Peaceness.
If I think about anything more than today, now, this moment, I find myself getting anxious. Almost overwhelmed with the vastness of it all! How in the world I figured I was in control of it all just escapes me now! Also, though, realizing that I'm powerless and needed some SERIOUS spiritual repair, I've found a new richness to everything. Just being alive IN THE DAY and not either obsessing over the next drink or over someone else's actions/behaviours or whatever--I CHOOSE to be the me I never took the time to get to know. And guess what? I'm not as much of a buttmunch as I figured! Once I started to work through where my resentments lie, I find only one thing in common--and it's ME. I was so wrapped up in Fear of Acceptance that I spun my whole life around either being better than you and looking down on you or being ambivalent about your existence--which is even worse than hatred. I didn't care about anything except whether I was doing what I needed to do to be loved, admired, worshipped, and adorned with praise on MY TERMS.
Okay, it's been all about ME day today, but if you've taken the time to read this and see yourself anywhere, then it helped. Ruth, I NEVER could have stayed away from the sauce for more than a day--and I'd reward myself double-duty if I did even THAT. When I got my first shiney medallion I was absolutely beaming because it came drug-free, angst free, hate-free, and simply me. Since then I'm finding out that there's so much to life--even the mundane parts--that I just completely overlooked because I was too busy being a wonderful martyr.
I love life and the ride now, rather than trying to conquer it. And it's a simple program: Yesterday's gone, Tomorrow's a mystery. That's why today's a present...
:)
Peaceness.
Wow, SKG, I don't think I've ever read your story....I can soooooooo relate! Thanks for keeping me sober one more day by sharing.
Ruth,
Welcome, if I haven't welcomed you here already....there are good people here who help each other stay sober one day at time. Three weeks is huge...oh, that rash, yep I got it too....your post reminded me of it...I was so physically sick at the end too.
Ruth,
Welcome, if I haven't welcomed you here already....there are good people here who help each other stay sober one day at time. Three weeks is huge...oh, that rash, yep I got it too....your post reminded me of it...I was so physically sick at the end too.
Hey VWGirl! It's the first time I've actually taken the time to write any of it down! Glad to help! :)
I think yesterday was my "Coming Out" day--seems I spent a WHOLE lot of time on ME. I read this today in the Daily Reflections:
All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted my powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real people addict; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received. I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work A.A.s Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.
It's all about progress... Progress, not perfection...
I think yesterday was my "Coming Out" day--seems I spent a WHOLE lot of time on ME. I read this today in the Daily Reflections:
All my life I depended on people for my emotional needs and security, but today I cannot live that way anymore. By the grace of God, I have admitted my powerlessness over people, places and things. I had been a real people addict; wherever I went there had to be someone who would pay some kind of attention to me. It was the kind of attitude that could only get worse, because the more I depended on others and demanded attention, the less I received. I have given up believing that any human power can relieve me of that empty feeling. Although I remain a fragile human being who needs to work A.A.s Steps to keep this particular principle before my personality, it is only a loving God who can give me inner peace and emotional stability.
It's all about progress... Progress, not perfection...
| QUOTE |
| I do find it difficult sometimes to stay sober - my job is a major cause of stress at the moment. But I figure I've gotta change it if I want my sobriety to last. One question, did you drink (partly) because you were unhappy with circumstances in your life at the time? |
Hmmm. Gonna have to think this one over for a while. I was unhappy with the circumstances surrounding my health, but my life was/is quite successful. I couldn't be HAPPY with anything, though. I eventually ended up trying Campral, Disulfiram (antabuse), and anti-deps because I just wallowed in it. BUT I wasn't ungrateful or pissed off at the world or anything. I enjoyed drinking because it made me happy. Until it didn't work anymore. Then I had to face what was really my problem and that was that my drinking had ceased to be partying and turned into chronic drinking. Addiction to the grape, as it were. And I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. Cliche', no?
I am a success in every way measureable, yet it wasn't until I admitted to having an addiction to alcohol that I was finally able to ask for help--and be granted this serenity and contentment and happiness that eluded me all these years.
Yes the party didn't last too long with me before it got ugly. The main reason i drank was to run away from feelings of worthlessness and unfulfllment. And futility - that was a big one like what's the use in trying. The PhD I thought would bring me happiness didn't and I found myself at the ripe old age of 30 wondering what I was going to do with the rest of my life. All drinking did was postpone decisions I really needed to make aboout my life's direction - the proverbial ostrich with my head in the sand.
Taking 100% responsibility for my life is new to me and a little daunting.
A friend of mine first introduced me to AA. He is clean 2 years. A girl was killed off his motorbike several years ago and he was drunk riding the bike. He nearly died himself and was in a coma. When he got better he still drank and used drugs too. But one day he decided to let go of the guilt and blame and self hatred and he really inspires me. He uses his time so positively and gives back by volunteering with people who have brain injuries.
What terrified me about my own drinking was the change in my personality and the tendency towards violence. I have made such an idiot of myself on too many occassions. I live in a small city and sometimes I can't even look the world in the eye for fear that someone knows me from seeing me falling around the place drunk.
Sobriety does bring serenity and peace and just a knowing that if I do not pick up a drink today I will be ok. There will be no violent outbursts or fights with my other half. I am proud to go out for a meal now because at least I can walk out of the restaurant and not be assisted out.
Congrats again on your six months. You really are an inspiraiton.
Taking 100% responsibility for my life is new to me and a little daunting.
A friend of mine first introduced me to AA. He is clean 2 years. A girl was killed off his motorbike several years ago and he was drunk riding the bike. He nearly died himself and was in a coma. When he got better he still drank and used drugs too. But one day he decided to let go of the guilt and blame and self hatred and he really inspires me. He uses his time so positively and gives back by volunteering with people who have brain injuries.
What terrified me about my own drinking was the change in my personality and the tendency towards violence. I have made such an idiot of myself on too many occassions. I live in a small city and sometimes I can't even look the world in the eye for fear that someone knows me from seeing me falling around the place drunk.
Sobriety does bring serenity and peace and just a knowing that if I do not pick up a drink today I will be ok. There will be no violent outbursts or fights with my other half. I am proud to go out for a meal now because at least I can walk out of the restaurant and not be assisted out.
Congrats again on your six months. You really are an inspiraiton.
~blushing~
Well thank you, but it's not ME that's doing it (as you well know). I failed miserably at trying to control it and all the success in my life couldn't mask the fact that I was killing myself for approval.
So here I am. I've finally allowed myself the grace and acceptance to be the member of something that, for the first time in my life, makes sense. I am more comfortable, more calm, and more willing to listen as a member of AA then at any other time in my life. I DO do a little service work, but nothing like the martyrdom I imposed on myself for the sake of 'your' approval. The fact that I'm all into ME for my sobriety is a major step for me, because it's about ME not needing YOUR approval for once.
On a less serious note, the biting thing isn't a turn on. Nope. ~wink~ My newly acquired sponsor said to me, "With all that anger and rage boiling inside, you're damned lucky you've not done more damage." He's right. I still have some 'yets' left. You do too, and while you may not be real proud of yourself, you've got enough sense to understand it was the drink, not you, doing the horrible things. If you're anything like me, I can only take care of myself one day at a time and let my actions prove my resolve to be a better person. It's all because of AA, too. Seriously.
Well thank you, but it's not ME that's doing it (as you well know). I failed miserably at trying to control it and all the success in my life couldn't mask the fact that I was killing myself for approval.
So here I am. I've finally allowed myself the grace and acceptance to be the member of something that, for the first time in my life, makes sense. I am more comfortable, more calm, and more willing to listen as a member of AA then at any other time in my life. I DO do a little service work, but nothing like the martyrdom I imposed on myself for the sake of 'your' approval. The fact that I'm all into ME for my sobriety is a major step for me, because it's about ME not needing YOUR approval for once.
On a less serious note, the biting thing isn't a turn on. Nope. ~wink~ My newly acquired sponsor said to me, "With all that anger and rage boiling inside, you're damned lucky you've not done more damage." He's right. I still have some 'yets' left. You do too, and while you may not be real proud of yourself, you've got enough sense to understand it was the drink, not you, doing the horrible things. If you're anything like me, I can only take care of myself one day at a time and let my actions prove my resolve to be a better person. It's all because of AA, too. Seriously.
Ha ha ...well the biting thing happened on a weekend trip away. Lovely hotel, lovely food, and gallons of wine for Ruth. He was going to check out and go home when I did that and I couldn't blame him. The worst part is waking up the next day and knowing you screwed up but can only remember snippets of what happened. Being reminded of things you said - nasty things - and having no recollection of saying them. Another time I tried to jump out of the car drunk while he was driving at 80 km/hr. I could have been killed had he not grabbed me in time. Christ! When I think of the madness of it all.
That's one for Valerie's list of drinking behaviours i do not miss!
That's one for Valerie's list of drinking behaviours i do not miss!
Yeah: Don't go Car Diving!
:)
Glad you're here, though. Sharing those types of stories helps keep us sober--and I can laugh about (most) my 'adventures' now. There was a time when I couldn't even REMEMBER them!
e-me if need be:
sgramling @ hotmail dot com
:)
Glad you're here, though. Sharing those types of stories helps keep us sober--and I can laugh about (most) my 'adventures' now. There was a time when I couldn't even REMEMBER them!
e-me if need be:
sgramling @ hotmail dot com
