Not sure where to start today. I've been having a hard time recently. I am so angry with addiction . . . and still furious with my daughter, Jill.
Logically . . . academically . . . I understand. On good days, I strive to accept the plan God had for my baby's life and to trust His plan for mine. On good days, I know she is at peace, whole and safe. On good days, I can put on my facade of strength, plaster a smile on my face, dry the tears from my face and interact with others . . . folks don't know what is behind the mask. Today is not one of those days.
I'll be honest. All I really want for Christmas is to have my Jill back . . . I want her alive. But then I ask myself: Which Jill do I want . . . my pre-addict baby or post-addict Jill. (Can one be so specific when asking for gifts?) Of course, I WANT post-addict, in remission, clean and sober Jill. I want my daughter who was an absolute success, who was much loved and who excelled. I want my happy, dry humored, mischievous, happy-go-lucky and insightful Jill back. I want the Jill back who we dropped off at College in September 2013 . . . who had hope and dreams and goals.
The reality is that if she was still alive she would still be using. If I got my Christmas wish, I would get back post-addict Jill. I have to ask myself if I really want to go back to the turmoil, agony, fear, and frustration of having a child in active addiction. Worrying where she is sleeping? What is she doing to make money to buy drugs? Is she safe? Is she eating? What kind of drugs is she taking? Am I ready to return to being afraid every time the phone rings? Am I ready to go back to detaching with love and not enabling? Am I ready to put back up my walls and protections so I can harden my heart . . .and close my ears . . .so that I wont give in to my only childs requests, demands, lies and/or manipulations?
Today . . . on Christmas Eve . . . the answer is HELL YES!!! All I want for Christmas is to be an addict's mom again. Yup. I'd rather be the mom of an addict in active use than what I am now . . . a grieving addict's mom.
Y'all know I never mastered the art of crying and typing. So . . . please say a prayer for me . . . and my bruised, battered and broken heart during this holiday season. Also . . . if you are with or see your addicts this holiday season, please give them a bear hug and kiss from me!
'Nough said.
Lynn
Oh, Lynn. It is probably painful to even breathe. Thank you, most especially tnis time of year, for your brave story. My sister sent me a card that said maybe the only reason we cannot see God sometimes is because He is holding us right up close. You are loved. Libby
Dear Lynn, I hesitate to write as I do not know what I could possibly say to comfort you. My son's life has passed before my eyes many times over the last year or two. I have done my best to come to terms with that. I know it would be the ultimate heart break. My son has told me how depressed and sad he is and that he does not wake up happy. He wakes up mad that he is still alive. If my son leaves us, I will know that he is no longer suffering. that would be my only comfort in a sea of grief.
30 years ago a close relative passed of her own doing. She was not an addict. She was troubled by emotional trauma and decided she did not want to live in the way her life/mind was. I too had the thoughts that I did want her back, but I wanted the fun, healthy, happy person back, not the troubled, sad, confused person. Over a few years time I had to accept or respect that she did not want to live as the troubled, sad, confused person. (she did come thru when I saw a medium a few years ago. she said she did not suffer,and sorry, she could not cope w life)
I do understand what you are wishing - at this holiday time, if Jill was still in your life, whether she was in addiction or remission, you would have the choice of doing one more thing to 'help' her. It's not fair. you tried for so long and so hard. You did a very good job being Jill's Mom, and you are still doing a very good job of living in spite of what happened
Here is a Big Hug for You - OXOXOXO
Hoping and Wishing you are able to find more Peace in 2018...
30 years ago a close relative passed of her own doing. She was not an addict. She was troubled by emotional trauma and decided she did not want to live in the way her life/mind was. I too had the thoughts that I did want her back, but I wanted the fun, healthy, happy person back, not the troubled, sad, confused person. Over a few years time I had to accept or respect that she did not want to live as the troubled, sad, confused person. (she did come thru when I saw a medium a few years ago. she said she did not suffer,and sorry, she could not cope w life)
I do understand what you are wishing - at this holiday time, if Jill was still in your life, whether she was in addiction or remission, you would have the choice of doing one more thing to 'help' her. It's not fair. you tried for so long and so hard. You did a very good job being Jill's Mom, and you are still doing a very good job of living in spite of what happened
Here is a Big Hug for You - OXOXOXO
Hoping and Wishing you are able to find more Peace in 2018...
Thanks so much Libby and NY. Your words were spot on. You both soothed and calmed my aching heart and stopped me from continuing my very selfish pity party. I'm in a better place now. Some days I am grateful that J has found peace and is no longer suffering. But on holidays, missing her trumps everything else. I want her here damn it!! I'd gladly re-assume the burdens and pains you all continue to deal with every day.
I say to myself that I would take her place in a heartbeat. But that would mean she would be feeling the pain I am feeling now and I wouldn't want that either. I hate addiction with every bone in my body. I hate the devastation and sadness it causes. WHY did our babies have to suffer with this terrible disease?
My Christmas Wish List has a few more items on it. No . . . I'm not hoping for a Fendi bag or looking for something money can buy. My wish is that none of you receive The Call. Don't know if I need to write Santa or pray the Rosary. But I wish and hope that not one more mom . . or dad . . .has to experience the pain of your baby losing their battle. I also wish that all of your babies find peace, happiness and comfort in fighting for and maintaining sober living. Is it too much to hope that a "cure" is found? Or, at least for the stigma and shame to be removed. And programs created to help them fight their monkeys, keep them from relapsing and treat their demons.
Sending hugs & love to all at this time. And hoping that 2018 is a year of healing, happiness and hope for each of you as well as your addicts.
Love you guys,
Lynn
I say to myself that I would take her place in a heartbeat. But that would mean she would be feeling the pain I am feeling now and I wouldn't want that either. I hate addiction with every bone in my body. I hate the devastation and sadness it causes. WHY did our babies have to suffer with this terrible disease?
My Christmas Wish List has a few more items on it. No . . . I'm not hoping for a Fendi bag or looking for something money can buy. My wish is that none of you receive The Call. Don't know if I need to write Santa or pray the Rosary. But I wish and hope that not one more mom . . or dad . . .has to experience the pain of your baby losing their battle. I also wish that all of your babies find peace, happiness and comfort in fighting for and maintaining sober living. Is it too much to hope that a "cure" is found? Or, at least for the stigma and shame to be removed. And programs created to help them fight their monkeys, keep them from relapsing and treat their demons.
Sending hugs & love to all at this time. And hoping that 2018 is a year of healing, happiness and hope for each of you as well as your addicts.
Love you guys,
Lynn
My heart hurts for you. Your one strong mama. I wish you peace.
Lisa
Lisa
Hi Lynn,
First of all, here is huge hug. Words fail, and that is all that really matters. Just offering you support and love.
I have not lost a child, but I have lost a brother. He was addicted to heroin, and in treatment when he died in a car accident. I still remember them coming to the door of our house to tell us. He was only 21, and left a giant hole in our family and our hearts. He was the same-funny, talented, loved by many. He ended up, how many heroin addicts, end up. I think a lot about him and what he would be like now. Would there ever be a chance that he would have gotten clean, married, job? Or, would he have continued and been homeless, etc.
My mom's minister's wife told my mom that God took him because he could not be well here. That comforted my mom, but made me really mad (I was young). I was SO mad at God for so long, because I thought that was the dumbest thing. : ) I thought he should heal him here and keep him with us. Anyway, life is rough, with no easy answers. And, so much tragedy. I have always admired your ability to keep sharing with us, through your heartache. You help many people.
It is okay to break down now and then. That is how we heal. I sometimes give into an intense crying jag and temporarily give up trying to be strong, or rational, or healthy or positive. You know, just meltdown. But, then, like you, I pick myself back up and try again.
I am so sorry you lost your Jill. I wish I could kill this dragon addiction and save our children. Wishing you some peace this Christmas.
First of all, here is huge hug. Words fail, and that is all that really matters. Just offering you support and love.
I have not lost a child, but I have lost a brother. He was addicted to heroin, and in treatment when he died in a car accident. I still remember them coming to the door of our house to tell us. He was only 21, and left a giant hole in our family and our hearts. He was the same-funny, talented, loved by many. He ended up, how many heroin addicts, end up. I think a lot about him and what he would be like now. Would there ever be a chance that he would have gotten clean, married, job? Or, would he have continued and been homeless, etc.
My mom's minister's wife told my mom that God took him because he could not be well here. That comforted my mom, but made me really mad (I was young). I was SO mad at God for so long, because I thought that was the dumbest thing. : ) I thought he should heal him here and keep him with us. Anyway, life is rough, with no easy answers. And, so much tragedy. I have always admired your ability to keep sharing with us, through your heartache. You help many people.
It is okay to break down now and then. That is how we heal. I sometimes give into an intense crying jag and temporarily give up trying to be strong, or rational, or healthy or positive. You know, just meltdown. But, then, like you, I pick myself back up and try again.
I am so sorry you lost your Jill. I wish I could kill this dragon addiction and save our children. Wishing you some peace this Christmas.
Each of you have said exactly the "right" things to me. There are no magic words or standard phrases you can speak to someone who is grieving. Each of you told me that you are with me.
So many times I feel so lonely and like no one understands . . . or cares. Sometimes I feel like I've committed a crime by mentioning my baby's name or sharing a memory. Some folks have even told me, "It's been almost 16 months. Aren't you over this yet?"
Each of you shared a piece of your hearts. Each of you sent love and support. And by doing so, you let me borrow a piece of YOUR strength and courage so that I can make it through today. You brought a sense of calm. Thank you.
Parenting . . . thank you for the story of your brother. It really touched me . . . because all the things you said I, too, wonder about (and will always pounder) with Jill. In one of my rants to God, He told me He could only answer my prayers to keep J safe and to protect her by taking her. This is NOT the answer Lynn wants. I think now that I should have been more specific with my prayers; I should have asked Him to heal her AND keep her on this side of the grass. I've changed the prayer I say for all of your kids to include the "and."
'Nough said.
Wishing everyone peace, love & happiness . . . .especially today. Merry Christmas to all,
Lynn
xoxo
So many times I feel so lonely and like no one understands . . . or cares. Sometimes I feel like I've committed a crime by mentioning my baby's name or sharing a memory. Some folks have even told me, "It's been almost 16 months. Aren't you over this yet?"
Each of you shared a piece of your hearts. Each of you sent love and support. And by doing so, you let me borrow a piece of YOUR strength and courage so that I can make it through today. You brought a sense of calm. Thank you.
Parenting . . . thank you for the story of your brother. It really touched me . . . because all the things you said I, too, wonder about (and will always pounder) with Jill. In one of my rants to God, He told me He could only answer my prayers to keep J safe and to protect her by taking her. This is NOT the answer Lynn wants. I think now that I should have been more specific with my prayers; I should have asked Him to heal her AND keep her on this side of the grass. I've changed the prayer I say for all of your kids to include the "and."
'Nough said.
Wishing everyone peace, love & happiness . . . .especially today. Merry Christmas to all,
Lynn
xoxo
