My boyfriend has been in rehab for 15 days. He has used drugs in the past and was clean for awhile, but he recently relapsed on heroin. He said the reason for using heroin was because he was in a lot of pain. He was having some health issues and doctors were not helping. So, he decided to take it upon himself to fix whatever pain he was in. He obviously looked to drugs and decided to use. He checked himself into rehab because he wanted to fix this and knew he needed help. However, he lied to me and said he was going away because he wanted to get rid of cravings he was having. I had no idea he was using heroin until the day after he left. I was so devastated that he lied to me. I felt betrayed. I decided to break things off with him just because he needs to realize that what he did is not okay. I understand he realized that he needs help and that's great, but he still lied to me. I want him to do this for himself. Not for me. That's also a reason why I broke it off. I want him to prove that he can do this himself. He says over and over that he's never going to drink or use again, but how am I supposed to know that? I'm scared to death he's going to come out of rehab and later down the road relapse. Today I visited him and we had a long talk about our relationship. He basically said he knows he doesn't deserve me and never will. He thinks I deserve better than him, and if I ever decided to move on, he could never fight it. I really want to be with him and I'm willing to be by his side. I love him with all my heart. He also said that he doesn't understand why we can't just be together. He doesn't understand why I want a break. He feels that if we just act like friends then eventually that's all we will ever be. He tried to convince me why we should be together and just kept giving me reason after reason. "I came here for myself." "If I wasn't here for me then I wouldn't be paying for this out of my pocket, (insurance isn't covering stay)." "I'm going to go to church, NA meetings, and I'm getting a shot to block alcohol and opiates which I'm eventually going to have to pay." He's basically trying to convince me that he's doing this not for me, but for himself. Which I believe he is. I really feel like he has the strength to overcome this and have a successful recovery. But the thing is, he's only been in rehab for 15 days. He is leaving on day 21. How am I supposed to know he is actually going to follow his intentions? He is in rehab and feels really good about himself so far. But I read too many stories where people are doing amazing in rehab and say they are going to do this and that but eventually relapse not too long after they leave. My boyfriend is basically scared that I'm going to find someone else and isn't happy that he can't show me that he loves me because we are just "friends." He spent a little over an hour explaining to me how he feels about this, basically trying to convince me that there's no point in a break. I understood the point he was making and eventually ran out of things to say other than, I'm always going to love you and want to be with you and that everything is just going to take time. He already thinks that I'm going to agree to being with him. Am I being manipulated or not? What should I do? What exactly is going on in this situation?
Right now he needs to work on his recovery. When he comes out will be the test if he is serious about his recovery. Is he following the discharge instructions? Going to meetings, working with aftercare.? Addiction is a life long disease. There is no guarantees this wont happen again. You have to make that decision if you are willing to take that chance.
I always say, "actions speak louder than words". Addicts and recovering addicts say all kinds of things but don't believe any of them until they prove to you in actions that their words are true. His recovery has to be 100% his process and you can bet he will most likely relapse but one can hope it is just a short "slip" to test himself then get right back on track. This will be a roller coaster ride for you, no one is ever cured, this is a managed disease so if you don't like roller coasters I say get off the ride now. If you are truly meant to be a couple and he can stay clean for 2 years then you will see someone who hopefully has their actions match their words. 21 days is not enough to conquer this evil, it is a good beginning but there is much more to follow.
staystrong, you are looking for "guarantees" and there are none.
He is only a "boyfriend" at this point and there are lots of other good guys out there.
If you find him "attractive" with all his already known flaws you might want to take a good look at yourself (with the help of Al-Anon & Nar-Anon)
If you were at the new car dealer looking for a vehicle and there was a car at the back of the lot with the hood up. You ask the salesman "How does this car run?" He says "We aren't really sure because it keeps stalling and only starts half the time"... Would you say "Great, I'll take that one !!" or would you move on??
All the best.
Bob R
He is only a "boyfriend" at this point and there are lots of other good guys out there.
If you find him "attractive" with all his already known flaws you might want to take a good look at yourself (with the help of Al-Anon & Nar-Anon)
If you were at the new car dealer looking for a vehicle and there was a car at the back of the lot with the hood up. You ask the salesman "How does this car run?" He says "We aren't really sure because it keeps stalling and only starts half the time"... Would you say "Great, I'll take that one !!" or would you move on??
All the best.
Bob R
I echo what the prior people have said. Trust has to be earned, and there are no guarantees.
I assume part of his treatment will deal with this - how to make amends and rebuild trust over time.
That being said, it is common for addicts to relapse after treatment. In-patient treatment is only the first building block for a good foundation. Ahead of him includes a lot of meetings, service work, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and "rinse and repeat" until days of sobriety begin to accumulate. Relapsing, and dusting himself off and getting back into the program, is a real possibility.
In my experience the advise given to single people was to wait until 1 year of sobriety was achieved before making any decisions about the future as a couple. His recovery will need to come first.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
I assume part of his treatment will deal with this - how to make amends and rebuild trust over time.
That being said, it is common for addicts to relapse after treatment. In-patient treatment is only the first building block for a good foundation. Ahead of him includes a lot of meetings, service work, getting a sponsor, working the steps, and "rinse and repeat" until days of sobriety begin to accumulate. Relapsing, and dusting himself off and getting back into the program, is a real possibility.
In my experience the advise given to single people was to wait until 1 year of sobriety was achieved before making any decisions about the future as a couple. His recovery will need to come first.
Good luck and I hope this helps.
