Hi everyone,
My boyfriend is very encouraging of me and my recovery, but only when I'm doing well. If I fall off the wagon I have to hide it or incur his wrath. He will give me great big lectures about "junkies" and my junkie behaviour and it's not for me, and etc etc. He says terrible things about people who use heroin, with so much disgust and revoltion. I remind him that I'm a "junkie" and he says no I'm not, I used to be. It just makes me so ashamed and dirty feeling. The way he talks about junkies, ME effectively.
I know he is angry because he loves me so much. And I think he thinks that saying all these horrible things will somehow encourage me, but it just makes me feel filthy and like I want to just go and hide myself away with this thing.
I love him. I'm addicted to gear. I don't know what to do.
Rachel :(
Hi Rache.
My heart really goes out to you. You wrote:" I love him. I'm addicted to gear.. I don't know what to do"
I really relate to that. I have a little girl whose love for me id so pure it makes me weep when I think of what I put her through. It was her terrible misfortune to be born to a father struggling with an addiction.
Even now, when she's out side waving goodbye to me,tears welling up in her great big eyes....she wants one more hug, she says "I don't want daddy to go",....when I say that I must,she tries with "can you stay just another 5 minutes".
It destroys me everytime.
So at the very least, I sympathise. You love your BF. You want to be a good GF to him. You want to leave it all behind. And you try and you try and each time you pick up again, you feel awful. You feel like a monumental failure. You think " what's the point?" You don't know where to go or what to do. You just want to forget. You just want to not have to feel like this. So you pick up and the vicious cycle repeats itself.
Rache, you're immensely courageous. I never even told my ex-partner I was a recovering addict and she finds I'd been using this website. Did she go ballistic? Who wouldn't. At least you have the guts to admit you have a problem and secondly, just by being here demonstrates one inescapable fact: you haven't given up.
Don't give up Rache. In addition to your generous and unstinting support, you're a wonderful kind loving human being with so much to give and deserves much in the way of happiness herself. One day, a small shaft of the light of human happiness will pierce the fog of this gloom. Look for it. When it comes, grab on to it and never let go.
thinking of you lots and pots,
R>
My heart really goes out to you. You wrote:" I love him. I'm addicted to gear.. I don't know what to do"
I really relate to that. I have a little girl whose love for me id so pure it makes me weep when I think of what I put her through. It was her terrible misfortune to be born to a father struggling with an addiction.
Even now, when she's out side waving goodbye to me,tears welling up in her great big eyes....she wants one more hug, she says "I don't want daddy to go",....when I say that I must,she tries with "can you stay just another 5 minutes".
It destroys me everytime.
So at the very least, I sympathise. You love your BF. You want to be a good GF to him. You want to leave it all behind. And you try and you try and each time you pick up again, you feel awful. You feel like a monumental failure. You think " what's the point?" You don't know where to go or what to do. You just want to forget. You just want to not have to feel like this. So you pick up and the vicious cycle repeats itself.
Rache, you're immensely courageous. I never even told my ex-partner I was a recovering addict and she finds I'd been using this website. Did she go ballistic? Who wouldn't. At least you have the guts to admit you have a problem and secondly, just by being here demonstrates one inescapable fact: you haven't given up.
Don't give up Rache. In addition to your generous and unstinting support, you're a wonderful kind loving human being with so much to give and deserves much in the way of happiness herself. One day, a small shaft of the light of human happiness will pierce the fog of this gloom. Look for it. When it comes, grab on to it and never let go.
thinking of you lots and pots,
R>
Rachel, he hasn't gotten past the part that tells him that HIS girlfriend is somehow different and too good to be a junkie...I used to think the same about my daughter. But the fact is that it's just a label and addiction does not discriminate between 'bad' people and 'good' people...it is the true equalizer and can happen to anyone and in any family.
He probably does see it as a way of saying you are 'too good for that life' and thinks it will snap you out of it. Encouragement is not really encouragement if it's only there when you are doing well, heck, it's MORE important when you are doing poorly. Learning how to talk to our addicted loved ones is hard until we simply see start seeing them as loved ones, and leave out the 'addicted' part.
So in my post on the other thread about "junkie behavior", I kinda knew it would bother you, but it's the truth. I could call it "heroin addict behavior", but that doesn't change a thing, it is what it is. What I said about my daughter, that's how it was in my house...nothing personal and no offense intended. I stand by my advice that you be honest with your healthcare workers, but most of all with yourself....give yourself a fighting chance.
And you love him...what to do? Take care of yourself and no reason you cannot keep loving him. Are you still on the gear, or taking suboxone...or both?
And what on Earth are you doing up? It must be after 5AM there and you've been up all night.
Peace ~ M&M
He probably does see it as a way of saying you are 'too good for that life' and thinks it will snap you out of it. Encouragement is not really encouragement if it's only there when you are doing well, heck, it's MORE important when you are doing poorly. Learning how to talk to our addicted loved ones is hard until we simply see start seeing them as loved ones, and leave out the 'addicted' part.
So in my post on the other thread about "junkie behavior", I kinda knew it would bother you, but it's the truth. I could call it "heroin addict behavior", but that doesn't change a thing, it is what it is. What I said about my daughter, that's how it was in my house...nothing personal and no offense intended. I stand by my advice that you be honest with your healthcare workers, but most of all with yourself....give yourself a fighting chance.
And you love him...what to do? Take care of yourself and no reason you cannot keep loving him. Are you still on the gear, or taking suboxone...or both?
And what on Earth are you doing up? It must be after 5AM there and you've been up all night.
Peace ~ M&M
To Mumnmore,
I don't know but I get the feeling I've offended you. If I have I apologise. It was unintentional and I hate bad feelings/bad vibes. If I was touchy or arrogant, again it was unintentional and I apologise unreservedly.
An olive branch,
R>
I don't know but I get the feeling I've offended you. If I have I apologise. It was unintentional and I hate bad feelings/bad vibes. If I was touchy or arrogant, again it was unintentional and I apologise unreservedly.
An olive branch,
R>
It's currently 3:30pm here and I'm at work, Mumnmore :) I'm in Australia.
I know he means to encourage, but he just crushes me sometimes. I guess that's what I meant when I don't know what to do. It's impossible to make anyone understand when they haven't been there themselves. The other thing is that he constantly compares my addiction with that of his previous girlfriend who was addicted to ice for 13 years before Sam came along and she got clean. So he thinks it's as easy for me as it seemed to be with her. Never mind that I'm a different person with a different set of problems. He says an ice addiction is a hundred times harder to beat and she just did it easy, blah blah blah. :(
So by now I should be off gear, off Suboxone (which I am currently on), with the whole issue wiped from my mind by now. But it's not. It's there. And it always will be.
I know he means to encourage, but he just crushes me sometimes. I guess that's what I meant when I don't know what to do. It's impossible to make anyone understand when they haven't been there themselves. The other thing is that he constantly compares my addiction with that of his previous girlfriend who was addicted to ice for 13 years before Sam came along and she got clean. So he thinks it's as easy for me as it seemed to be with her. Never mind that I'm a different person with a different set of problems. He says an ice addiction is a hundred times harder to beat and she just did it easy, blah blah blah. :(
So by now I should be off gear, off Suboxone (which I am currently on), with the whole issue wiped from my mind by now. But it's not. It's there. And it always will be.
Hi Rachel,
What your boyfriend needs to realise is that this is your habit and your battle. From my past experience I have always felt it harder to stay off than to come off so out of 5 clean times I have relapsed 4 times.
When I met my girlfriend - also named Sam - I was a junke in addiction. She got on with her stuff but never discouraged my attempts to get clean, cold turkey lasted a few weeks, methadone stabilisation I managed over a month. Her attitude was that I was trying and no-one was making me do this. When I first relapsed after the methadone rehab I apologised as she had been so supportive and visited me every day for 5 weeks. Her view was that I didn't need to apologise to her and I still had her support whatever.
When I get down and the cravings start as they do now and again I always let her know and don't feel awkward about it.
As far as I'm aware my Sam has never allowed my addiction to get to her, she sees it as an issue that is mine and that she can't influence other than be supportive.
Even though i have now been clean for so long I still consider myself a junkie. Sometimes I feel a cut above other junkies because I always managed to work and lead some type of normal life, I put this down to the fact that I have never hung out with other junkies.
Hope this helps.
Eddie
What your boyfriend needs to realise is that this is your habit and your battle. From my past experience I have always felt it harder to stay off than to come off so out of 5 clean times I have relapsed 4 times.
When I met my girlfriend - also named Sam - I was a junke in addiction. She got on with her stuff but never discouraged my attempts to get clean, cold turkey lasted a few weeks, methadone stabilisation I managed over a month. Her attitude was that I was trying and no-one was making me do this. When I first relapsed after the methadone rehab I apologised as she had been so supportive and visited me every day for 5 weeks. Her view was that I didn't need to apologise to her and I still had her support whatever.
When I get down and the cravings start as they do now and again I always let her know and don't feel awkward about it.
As far as I'm aware my Sam has never allowed my addiction to get to her, she sees it as an issue that is mine and that she can't influence other than be supportive.
Even though i have now been clean for so long I still consider myself a junkie. Sometimes I feel a cut above other junkies because I always managed to work and lead some type of normal life, I put this down to the fact that I have never hung out with other junkies.
Hope this helps.
Eddie
my names Caroline i am sitting in my brothers i just went three day clean but i don't think i can do it the pain is unbelievable.I don't know whats the best way to do this
Caroline,
Where are you?
Have you seen any healthcare professionals?
I did cold turkey once, aboy 5 years ago and it took weeks of feeling dreadful, Eleven months later I relapsed.
I suggest you get help, I'm 17 months clean but came off heroin onto methadone and then on to Subutex and finally off completely. The whole process took over a year.
Good Luck,
Eddie
Where are you?
Have you seen any healthcare professionals?
I did cold turkey once, aboy 5 years ago and it took weeks of feeling dreadful, Eleven months later I relapsed.
I suggest you get help, I'm 17 months clean but came off heroin onto methadone and then on to Subutex and finally off completely. The whole process took over a year.
Good Luck,
Eddie
Rachel,
It really should be no surprize that your boyfriend is encouraging ,when he see,s your doing well. Most people that dont know the problems that come with addiction find it very ,very hard , to be as encouraging when they see that your stll using - -after a few days of not using.
I beleve thay want to be encouraging , but not really knowing how this disease works, they find it very fustrating. They see it as a weekness on your part- -if you can do it for 2 or 3 days - then why are you going back to it??
It sounds like he could use an education in addition. If he loves you to death * like you day he does, he shouldnt have a problem going to a meeting for people who have a lover, or a family menber, or maybe someone they just care about who is battling this disease.
I would think he would want to know all he can ,so he could be encouraging to you on the days he finds it the hardest to be
Of course you have to work with him, keep trying, and be honest with him about what yout going through.
It takes an incredible amount of patience and understanding for someone to stand by a person they love& all the behavoir of an addict that comes with it.
Best-to you both
jack
bTw- Resh,
I happen to notice you do an awful lot of apoliging on this board. Which is fine I guess, but if you feel a need to be apoligizing so often-> maybe give your post one more look ,before ya hit the send button, ya know
It really should be no surprize that your boyfriend is encouraging ,when he see,s your doing well. Most people that dont know the problems that come with addiction find it very ,very hard , to be as encouraging when they see that your stll using - -after a few days of not using.
I beleve thay want to be encouraging , but not really knowing how this disease works, they find it very fustrating. They see it as a weekness on your part- -if you can do it for 2 or 3 days - then why are you going back to it??
It sounds like he could use an education in addition. If he loves you to death * like you day he does, he shouldnt have a problem going to a meeting for people who have a lover, or a family menber, or maybe someone they just care about who is battling this disease.
I would think he would want to know all he can ,so he could be encouraging to you on the days he finds it the hardest to be
Of course you have to work with him, keep trying, and be honest with him about what yout going through.
It takes an incredible amount of patience and understanding for someone to stand by a person they love& all the behavoir of an addict that comes with it.
Best-to you both
jack
bTw- Resh,
I happen to notice you do an awful lot of apoliging on this board. Which is fine I guess, but if you feel a need to be apoligizing so often-> maybe give your post one more look ,before ya hit the send button, ya know
Rache,
Sending you love and support. You've gotten excellent advice here.
Please know you're not alone. Happened to alot of us with family, loved ones, partners.
Bottom line sister is all you have to do is just keep doing what you are doing. You've already made so much progress it's astounding.
Just a word of support, honey.
Sending you love and support. You've gotten excellent advice here.
Please know you're not alone. Happened to alot of us with family, loved ones, partners.
Bottom line sister is all you have to do is just keep doing what you are doing. You've already made so much progress it's astounding.
Just a word of support, honey.
I'm not going well. I'm in the middle of a relapse that I can't even tell my partner about. I'm struggling and I don't know what to do. I can't tell him or he'll explode everywhere. :(
Awwww, sweetie what's going on?
Make it a LAPSE not a RELAPSE!
Let us know how you are, Racehe. It happens. Do you WANT to tell him? If he wouldn't explode all over the place would you tell?
Been there. On one hand you're only *sick as your secrets* and on the other if you can pull through and get back on track why set anything off?
Thinking of you.
Make it a LAPSE not a RELAPSE!
Let us know how you are, Racehe. It happens. Do you WANT to tell him? If he wouldn't explode all over the place would you tell?
Been there. On one hand you're only *sick as your secrets* and on the other if you can pull through and get back on track why set anything off?
Thinking of you.
Yes, I want him to know. I need him to know and tell me that it's okay that he still loves me and we'll get through it together. But it wouldn't happen like that. :(
ahhh- never mind- -I,ll just say-
I would stop worry about all the love for now- and focus on your recovery- if this guy really has deep feelings ,he,ll be there- -I think you need to start loving yourself 1st- -
I would stop worry about all the love for now- and focus on your recovery- if this guy really has deep feelings ,he,ll be there- -I think you need to start loving yourself 1st- -
Rache, Jack is right. Ultimately it's about you loving you first.
Sounds sappy but it's true.
Rache, maybe go over to the families/loved ones part of the board and see their side or ask about it. That might help.
You're not all into a complete relapse if ya come clean now. Just my opinion though. You're strong enough for this.
Rache, what's worse? Him not believing in you and flipping out OR you overdosing? We need support not somebody freaking out on us. I soooooo can see where they'd want to flip out on us, but it's his choice just like it's yours.
Hope you're feeling, O.K.
Jack, look at your post! @333! That's a good number. Today is going to be good for ya. Play the number.
Sounds sappy but it's true.
Rache, maybe go over to the families/loved ones part of the board and see their side or ask about it. That might help.
You're not all into a complete relapse if ya come clean now. Just my opinion though. You're strong enough for this.
Rache, what's worse? Him not believing in you and flipping out OR you overdosing? We need support not somebody freaking out on us. I soooooo can see where they'd want to flip out on us, but it's his choice just like it's yours.
Hope you're feeling, O.K.
Jack, look at your post! @333! That's a good number. Today is going to be good for ya. Play the number.
I can never love me, that's the problem.
sure you can, it may take awhile to get it back but keep trying. my son relapsed twice in these last 2 weeks, he is sad and very quiet, i see the angst in him, but he will have to get through this himself, just as i cant control his using, I cant control the way he views himself. tell me what you like about yourself mamag
Sure there are heaps of things I like about myself (looks and personality/values wise), but it doesn't stop an inner dread of myself that I feel all the time. It's like it's inbuilt hatred into my system and it only applies for me. I could never hate anyone the way I hate myself.
A great deal of self-hatred and self-loathing. Something I'm very conversant with. I'm not sure why this should be but I do know that there is always a reason, the majority of which are rooted in childhood.
I hate myself for things that happened to me as a kid that I can never change. "i hate myself" and "I hate things about myself". I never realised it but there's a big difference. I used to think it was the latter. That if I could perform some type of appropriate psychological surgery I could "cut out" the hate. It doesn't work like that.
I used to think that I hated myself because I was small and weak and got bullied for it and had to hide out in the school library and became the school nerd as a consequence. I didn't have my first proper GF until I was 17years old (almost 18). But then I got to university and started playing in a band. My "nerdy" classical guitar got swapped for an electric Gibson Les Paul and Bach was replaced with Hendrix. As we eventually became the most popular uni band and the audiences grew and grew, suddenly I was no longer a nerd. I was cool. I was the lead guitar player in the hottest uni band and with 14,000 students at uni, all the things I used to envy about the big butch rugby player guys were now mine. Mine for the taking. Back-stage parties, the prettiest girls, the quality beer which we drank to unbelievable excess; everyone wanted me to go to their parties,everyone wanted to be my 'friend', I was like a kid in a candy store. Now that I had all this,I should have become "happy". But I didn't. It was then and only then that I realised that the hatred came from within not from "without". It was about then that I turned to heroin. If I couldn't love myself, then at least I could take this brown powder that at least would stop me from hating myself. Heroin is not a high or a good kick. Heroin is the absence of emotion. It is the ability to NOT feel. No sadness,no anger,no self-loathing,just nothing. And for a while, it made perfect sense. It freed me from my demons. I stopped having those nightmares. I stopped talking in my sleep( according to many many ex's that was the only time I said how I truly felt....like begging my mother not to leave me.....reliving the moment my mum dropped me off at boarding school),stopped grinding my teeth whist asleep,etc etc....
However, the romance with heroin soon turned into a nightmare and has caused me more pain in my life than I ever thought possible. "Life is suffering",as Buddha said but I was now also in a bear-trap. I have since come to realise the truth of this. And the other side of the coin is that happiness has to come from within,not "without". It doesn't come from a new Porsche or a pretty sweet GF/BF who looks and cooks after you, or having your name chanted by 2,000 drunk students after a killer solo or anything else. It has to be found,found INSIDE oneself.
It is a search that is life-long but as we get more in tune with our inner selves, I believe we can catch a glimpse of it and learn to focus on it. That within us which brings true happiness and joy. I love my daughter. And she is the first person whose love I have fully accepted,no questions asked,no suspicions,no reservations,no conditions.I just love her.Completely returning what she gives me. It was then that I saw true happiness for the 1st time.
"when I'm sad she comes to me,
with a thousand smiles she gives to me free."
Namaste ev-one and lots and pots of love to you all.
R>
I hate myself for things that happened to me as a kid that I can never change. "i hate myself" and "I hate things about myself". I never realised it but there's a big difference. I used to think it was the latter. That if I could perform some type of appropriate psychological surgery I could "cut out" the hate. It doesn't work like that.
I used to think that I hated myself because I was small and weak and got bullied for it and had to hide out in the school library and became the school nerd as a consequence. I didn't have my first proper GF until I was 17years old (almost 18). But then I got to university and started playing in a band. My "nerdy" classical guitar got swapped for an electric Gibson Les Paul and Bach was replaced with Hendrix. As we eventually became the most popular uni band and the audiences grew and grew, suddenly I was no longer a nerd. I was cool. I was the lead guitar player in the hottest uni band and with 14,000 students at uni, all the things I used to envy about the big butch rugby player guys were now mine. Mine for the taking. Back-stage parties, the prettiest girls, the quality beer which we drank to unbelievable excess; everyone wanted me to go to their parties,everyone wanted to be my 'friend', I was like a kid in a candy store. Now that I had all this,I should have become "happy". But I didn't. It was then and only then that I realised that the hatred came from within not from "without". It was about then that I turned to heroin. If I couldn't love myself, then at least I could take this brown powder that at least would stop me from hating myself. Heroin is not a high or a good kick. Heroin is the absence of emotion. It is the ability to NOT feel. No sadness,no anger,no self-loathing,just nothing. And for a while, it made perfect sense. It freed me from my demons. I stopped having those nightmares. I stopped talking in my sleep( according to many many ex's that was the only time I said how I truly felt....like begging my mother not to leave me.....reliving the moment my mum dropped me off at boarding school),stopped grinding my teeth whist asleep,etc etc....
However, the romance with heroin soon turned into a nightmare and has caused me more pain in my life than I ever thought possible. "Life is suffering",as Buddha said but I was now also in a bear-trap. I have since come to realise the truth of this. And the other side of the coin is that happiness has to come from within,not "without". It doesn't come from a new Porsche or a pretty sweet GF/BF who looks and cooks after you, or having your name chanted by 2,000 drunk students after a killer solo or anything else. It has to be found,found INSIDE oneself.
It is a search that is life-long but as we get more in tune with our inner selves, I believe we can catch a glimpse of it and learn to focus on it. That within us which brings true happiness and joy. I love my daughter. And she is the first person whose love I have fully accepted,no questions asked,no suspicions,no reservations,no conditions.I just love her.Completely returning what she gives me. It was then that I saw true happiness for the 1st time.
"when I'm sad she comes to me,
with a thousand smiles she gives to me free."
Namaste ev-one and lots and pots of love to you all.
R>
I understand some of the feelings you both have, nothing to do with the drugs really. it is so easy to be hard on ourselves, see flaws where there really arent any, in my case I feel like I have created a drug addicted son because I wasnt consistant as a mom and I still have problems setting boundaries and keeping them, I am always bitching about my weight..there are so many things and ways we find to destroy our self esteem. We live in a society where we are taught to think about what others think of us before we take care of ourselves..I dont know what the answer is, but we all need to start giving ourselves some love and attention that was rather rambly wasnt it?
