Hi Guys. This is my first post. I live in the UK and my beloved son is a heroin addict. He is in his early 40s. Drug addiction has been part of my life for so long. This weekend the pent up anger erupted and I had a massive rage attack. I said extremely hurtful things to him that I can't take back. They are unforgivable words and I can't believe the rage that came out. I will never be able to forgive myself. There are a couple of groups I could join but I'm so sick of thinking about drugs that I'm reluctant to go. I feel a complete failure as a mother and I hate myself. I've asked him to stay away for a while as I know I'm not mentally stable. It was only a small amount of money which he owed me but after years of my bank account being robbed and all the rest of the typical "helping" acts, I just lost it completely. Sorry for being so self pitying and inarticulate but I am in a living hell of my own after this outburst. I can't imagine ever having a life that feels worth living.
I will look forward to writing again when I (hopefully) calm down and regain some positivity.
Read more of the postings here. you will see that your raging outburst is you saying "I'm not going to Enable anymore!" that is a good thing. maybe your son will hear you this time. stick to it and take a break. He is 40 years old, he knows right from wrong. I think he will forgive you. maybe he will leave you alone for a while. maybe he will change his behavior a bit. don't beat yourself up.
I have seen with my son who is 26, when I say no or get angry, I expect it to go poorly... he actually understand and acts better. it is what we need to do to push them to do for themselves.
I have seen with my son who is 26, when I say no or get angry, I expect it to go poorly... he actually understand and acts better. it is what we need to do to push them to do for themselves.
Brit
Don't be so hard in yourself. Forgive yourself!
We are human and have days when we break. It's ok... let it go
Bottom line....we can't enable our loved ones. We have to stop
Living them to death. We can't fix them.
Stay on here and you will see that you are not alone. It's a great
Group of people ... friends.
Praying for you
Hugs
PAULA
Don't be so hard in yourself. Forgive yourself!
We are human and have days when we break. It's ok... let it go
Bottom line....we can't enable our loved ones. We have to stop
Living them to death. We can't fix them.
Stay on here and you will see that you are not alone. It's a great
Group of people ... friends.
Praying for you
Hugs
PAULA
Oh it hurts! You can't take it back but you can apologise, he'll forgive you, as so many time you forgave him. Be mindful not to compensate for your guilt by enabling. And forgive yourself, you don't really mean it, it was a weak moment and you lost control - you're human!
Totally understandable...you are human. Thats what we do. Maybe it was a good thing? I know that for me when my parent BLEW UP...it WAS a wake up call. It started me thinking....that MAYBE ...just maybe I BETTER get my s*** together because Im seeing the PAIN...ANGER ...FRUSTRATION..that Im CAUSING my loved one. Its not good to hide these things and walk around on egg shells. You are ENTITLED to feel and express your emotions. Could you have done it a different way? Maybe...but maybe its just what the Dr ordered for BOTH of you. Try to look at it like you got it out and now you can move forward. Give yourself a break from the hell. We are ALL tired...co dependent AND addict. It seems Ive spent most of my damn life...trying to figure out how Im going to use OR trying to figure out how Im not going to use. I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL. Its exhausting. This time around Im seeing its really NOT about putting down the drugs..its about learning to LIVE differently.
Sometimes hearing the anger is a good thing...sometimes it gets through....don't feel bad for getting it out....he knows you love him....sometimes if it hurts bad enough we eventually listen...we'll of course use it as an excuse to use probably. ..but that's what we do....doesn't mean you didn't get through....hang in there
i, TOO, HAVE A SON IN HIS MID 40'S AND HAVE DEALT WITH HIS ADDITION FOR OVER 20 YEARS!
A month and a half ago, I also lost it and when I confronted him I received a screaming and filthy language and even told that he wished I was dead.
We all have a breaking point and I have finally reached mine. This forum has helped me to stay strong and not enable him any longer. I wished I would have done it sooner! I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I can finally breathe again and live for myself, my elderly husband, and my handicapped adopted teen son. Before, I felt guilty for thinking of myself and I constantly worried and checked on and tried to fix him. ONLY HE CAN FIX HIM!
Hang tough and continue to detach. It isn't easy but it can be done and with time you will learn to have a life again!
Prayers and Hugs!
Lori
A month and a half ago, I also lost it and when I confronted him I received a screaming and filthy language and even told that he wished I was dead.
We all have a breaking point and I have finally reached mine. This forum has helped me to stay strong and not enable him any longer. I wished I would have done it sooner! I feel like a weight has been lifted off me. I can finally breathe again and live for myself, my elderly husband, and my handicapped adopted teen son. Before, I felt guilty for thinking of myself and I constantly worried and checked on and tried to fix him. ONLY HE CAN FIX HIM!
Hang tough and continue to detach. It isn't easy but it can be done and with time you will learn to have a life again!
Prayers and Hugs!
Lori
Thanks to everyone here for the encouraging words. I haven't figured out how to reply individually. I feel at last as though I'm not so alone and despairing. The positive responses, especially from the addict's point of view, has renewed by self esteem a little bit. Kind regards to all of you. Love, Britmum x
Brit, you are definitely not alone on this one. My girl came home between rehabs for a whole 48 hours. I vividly recall going into her bedroom and screaming at her. I remember screaming until I was hoarse. I ranted. I raved. I scared our dog so badly the dog left the room on the 2nd floor and found a safe spot downstairs in the basement. Oh. . .I was furious . . . I was frustrated. . .I KnEW what the "right" answer was. . .I wanted to protect her. . .I wanted to fix it. . I wanted to help her map her future . . . get her on the "right" path. . .and I was oh so scared. All of this just came out all at once. . .I wanted her to HEAR me and feel my anguish, my despair, my pain, my fears her addiction was causing. I felt I had been silent, strong and stoic for too long.
Ok. . .did it help? My going off helped me. It didn't get through to her at all. . .all she said in response to my tirade is, "Well. . .guess I'm a bad daughter." Any old way. . .I was able to get off my chest my feelings. . .and direct them at her. I was able to vent. No matter how raw, or rambling or not eloquently put, I shared. I let it out & she saw it. No sugar coating. No dilution. No politically correct language. And for that I am grateful. It helped to keep me sane. In some ways, it was cleansing to let it all out.
As everyone has said, try as we might to not enable, love with detachment, etc, etc. . .this is your child we are talking about. And we are only human. Don't beat yourself up. You wouldn't explode if you didn't love him so much. My dad tells this story: Babe Ruth was one of the best baseball batters ever. His batting average was about .33. This means that only a third of the time he was successful at hitting the ball with the bat & running to get on base. The other 67% of the time he failed,
Sending hugs & wishes for peace,
Lynn
Ok. . .did it help? My going off helped me. It didn't get through to her at all. . .all she said in response to my tirade is, "Well. . .guess I'm a bad daughter." Any old way. . .I was able to get off my chest my feelings. . .and direct them at her. I was able to vent. No matter how raw, or rambling or not eloquently put, I shared. I let it out & she saw it. No sugar coating. No dilution. No politically correct language. And for that I am grateful. It helped to keep me sane. In some ways, it was cleansing to let it all out.
As everyone has said, try as we might to not enable, love with detachment, etc, etc. . .this is your child we are talking about. And we are only human. Don't beat yourself up. You wouldn't explode if you didn't love him so much. My dad tells this story: Babe Ruth was one of the best baseball batters ever. His batting average was about .33. This means that only a third of the time he was successful at hitting the ball with the bat & running to get on base. The other 67% of the time he failed,
Sending hugs & wishes for peace,
Lynn
For most of the recovering addicts/alcoholics I know (myself included) it took the love & understanding of my sponsor and the oldtimers at the meetings (NOT my family) to begin to get through to me.
Families become an us/them situation which only escalates.
There is love in the family but it is over-ridden by dysfunction/control/ego/blindness etc.
The meetings offer only a "WE" environment..... and a proven program (solution).
the newcomer is no better or worse than I am and is welcomed as such
That is where recovery begins and grows.
All the best.
Bob R
Families become an us/them situation which only escalates.
There is love in the family but it is over-ridden by dysfunction/control/ego/blindness etc.
The meetings offer only a "WE" environment..... and a proven program (solution).
the newcomer is no better or worse than I am and is welcomed as such
That is where recovery begins and grows.
All the best.
Bob R
Ya know...what PB said is absolute truth...not saying that your words weren't heard on some level...but in order to figure out how do something about it. .the program and those in it show us
