HI,
This is my first time writing to a message board. I have a 35 yr. old daughter who is now trying to detox from heroin. This lifestyle has been going on for at least 15 yrs and we've experienced most everything that goes with it.
I'm trying to deal with my anger. It's overwhelming and since she is now living with my husband and I (he's 74 and I'm 68) it's very difficult to be in the same house. My husband has the patience of Job, but I've run out. I've said things to her that no parent should say, but I'm so filled with rage at what she's done to our lives. We went through this with our son as well, who is 45 now and we've lost contact with for the last 10 years.
Any words of wisdom on how to cope with this?
Thanks,
Anita
I just wanted you to know you are not alone. I am new here too and have a son about your daughter's age. I wrote a long post replying to you and hit "post". It went into the void and I lost it. Not sure what happened but I am unable to write again now. I understand your anger. We are in similar situations but I will not let my son move into our house for any reason. He is impossible to live with sober or not. Maybe your daughter could go to a detox place (hospital or rehab). I would not accept the financial responsibility. She will probably need medical help staying clean. I think it is hard kicking heroin.
Thanks for responding.
She has no place else to go and we're not comfortable with putting her out. We're back on the suboxone again. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't. I've run out of hope, but my husband still hangs in there. I've given up thinking there is a future after all this. When she applies for a job, they do a background check and when the usual stuff comes up, there goes any hope of landing a good job.
An old friend told me the only thing you can do is "react". I know I have no control, but when I look at her all I feel is loss and anger.
She has no place else to go and we're not comfortable with putting her out. We're back on the suboxone again. Maybe it will work and maybe it won't. I've run out of hope, but my husband still hangs in there. I've given up thinking there is a future after all this. When she applies for a job, they do a background check and when the usual stuff comes up, there goes any hope of landing a good job.
An old friend told me the only thing you can do is "react". I know I have no control, but when I look at her all I feel is loss and anger.
I can't relate to the heroin addiction but I can relate to an adult child that age and the years you have been dealing with all this. I know it is miserable and exhausting.
I think that in the beginning parents are so optimistic that we can help fix it or they will outgrown it. Certainly good sense will prevail in the end. Then we get a bit desperate to fix things before they get any worse or before we aren't here to help. Then I went through grief for the loss of the dream. About that same time, I started feeling obligated to help because who else would? I didn't want my child to have a miserable life or lose his life because he was depressed and felt abandoned. Now I feel completely helpless and am unable to help anymore. It was affecting my life in a very bad way. I can't throw any more money at it and I can't carry around all that stress so I have to do something else.
I haven't lost all hope that one day his life will be better but I have lost hope of ever being that great family that I wanted. Even if he got his life together today, it would take years for me to trust him again. There are so many bad memories and behaviors that just can't be turned off. Parent's early in this journey might have a better chance of things returning to normal but I am not sure what our normal is because this has gone on so long.
I don't know what I would do in your situation. It is good that your daughter is detoxing. I hope she is serious and sticks to it. It is bad in so many ways that she is living with you, but I understand. What else could you do? Maybe when she gets further along you could find her a halfway house so she could be more independent and you could get your life back.
That background check is a real problem so is social media. You can find all sorts of information online and not all is good. It makes it hard to start over but not impossible. I personally think that sometimes telling the truth helps. If she is sincere, she might find an employer that is willing to give her a fresh start if she is honest with them. Maybe I am being nave but you would be surprised at how many people have similar problems in their own families and someone might be sympathetic. They might have even had a problem themselves that they overcame. She might have to start out with less of a job (no background check) and prove herself, working up to something better. Young people now want everything to be easy but sometimes things are just hard. That doesn't mean that they won't be successful if they try a bit harder.
I have found that reacting to stuff is the worst thing I can do. It nearly always turns out bad. I am trying hard to break that cycle because it seems to do more harm than good. Trying to control things does no good either. I think we just have to try to think more about ourselves and less about others. Take a minute before reacting and ask.. What is good for us? What do we want? That seems so contradictory to what I was taught and I don't mean it in a bad way. I am not sure yet if it works. I am not very good at it.
I think that in the beginning parents are so optimistic that we can help fix it or they will outgrown it. Certainly good sense will prevail in the end. Then we get a bit desperate to fix things before they get any worse or before we aren't here to help. Then I went through grief for the loss of the dream. About that same time, I started feeling obligated to help because who else would? I didn't want my child to have a miserable life or lose his life because he was depressed and felt abandoned. Now I feel completely helpless and am unable to help anymore. It was affecting my life in a very bad way. I can't throw any more money at it and I can't carry around all that stress so I have to do something else.
I haven't lost all hope that one day his life will be better but I have lost hope of ever being that great family that I wanted. Even if he got his life together today, it would take years for me to trust him again. There are so many bad memories and behaviors that just can't be turned off. Parent's early in this journey might have a better chance of things returning to normal but I am not sure what our normal is because this has gone on so long.
I don't know what I would do in your situation. It is good that your daughter is detoxing. I hope she is serious and sticks to it. It is bad in so many ways that she is living with you, but I understand. What else could you do? Maybe when she gets further along you could find her a halfway house so she could be more independent and you could get your life back.
That background check is a real problem so is social media. You can find all sorts of information online and not all is good. It makes it hard to start over but not impossible. I personally think that sometimes telling the truth helps. If she is sincere, she might find an employer that is willing to give her a fresh start if she is honest with them. Maybe I am being nave but you would be surprised at how many people have similar problems in their own families and someone might be sympathetic. They might have even had a problem themselves that they overcame. She might have to start out with less of a job (no background check) and prove herself, working up to something better. Young people now want everything to be easy but sometimes things are just hard. That doesn't mean that they won't be successful if they try a bit harder.
I have found that reacting to stuff is the worst thing I can do. It nearly always turns out bad. I am trying hard to break that cycle because it seems to do more harm than good. Trying to control things does no good either. I think we just have to try to think more about ourselves and less about others. Take a minute before reacting and ask.. What is good for us? What do we want? That seems so contradictory to what I was taught and I don't mean it in a bad way. I am not sure yet if it works. I am not very good at it.
Dayum. . .Beggin, I did the same thing!!! Typed a long reply and it vanished when I hit post. I'll try the longer version later. But the short version is. . .
First, so glad that both of you found us. . .so sorry that you too are on this horrible journey.
Anita, it's okay to be angry. Be angry at the disease. Be angry at your addicted son who is MIA. Be angry at your husband for wanting to enable. Be angry at heroin. (That is my girl's drug of choice.) I understand. When I'm not crying, I'm just plain old fashioned pissed at addiction and what it has done to my beautiful, vibrant, happy 21 yo daughter. . .and our family.
I went to Naranon meetings. Read on this site "What Not to Do". Vented a lot. Read everything I could find about addiction, detaching with love & enabling. And, did everything I could to maintain my sanity and inner peace.
Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn
First, so glad that both of you found us. . .so sorry that you too are on this horrible journey.
Anita, it's okay to be angry. Be angry at the disease. Be angry at your addicted son who is MIA. Be angry at your husband for wanting to enable. Be angry at heroin. (That is my girl's drug of choice.) I understand. When I'm not crying, I'm just plain old fashioned pissed at addiction and what it has done to my beautiful, vibrant, happy 21 yo daughter. . .and our family.
I went to Naranon meetings. Read on this site "What Not to Do". Vented a lot. Read everything I could find about addiction, detaching with love & enabling. And, did everything I could to maintain my sanity and inner peace.
Sending hugs & prayers,
Lynn
Reading your response is like hearing my own thoughts and words come back at me. I too grieve for the family that might and could have been if only....... Why couldn't they see what they were throwing away? You're right about the toll the lies take. All those years of them and now the trust is so broken.
