Anything Will Help!!

OK!! um I guess I'll put it out there. I've been an addict for about 3 years!!! I stopped taking vicodin about a year ago cold turkey. Around sometime in Oct. I hurt my back and "THOUGHT" I would be "OK" with taking it again for just pain. Boy was I wrong!!! So I run out of pills and freak out. The only thing I could get was oxys. Now I go from vics to about five 30 millagrams oxys a day. I'm trying to tapper off with vics, but i'm getting very sick. I'm taking about twenty norcos a day and I'm sicker then when i just quit vics. I'm very afraid there is something medically wrong with me. I'm having VERY bad chest pain and my heart rate will just jump out of nowhere. I'm waking up in the middle of the night very hot and my heart is POUNDING! I almost feel like im going to blackout. My chest hurts so bad i can barley breath. So if anyone has anything that will help with this PLEASE let me know.
So now tomorrow I get to go back to my doctor and tell them I'm addicted to pills again!! Not that I'm just addicted, now I'm addicted to something worse! Nice going!! Sometime I don't understand why I got myself back where I hated the first time. I just started a job that I love waking up everyday for!! I'll just mess everything up like I always do. I can't just let it be. It is time to do this "AGAIN"!!!
D quotes
QUOTE
I don't understand why I got myself back where I hated the first time


I do.You're an addict.
You will always be an addict.If you put an opiate back in your system for any reason,you run the risk of starting it up all over.The brain has been altered and now you have extra receptor sites needing their fix.
The only way to stop this madness is through complete abstinence and a program of recovery.Changing the core problem which is us is about the best insurance against relapse and a happier life.
Stick around and ask questions.There is a solution.
dilford
welcome! keep coming back!
try not to beat yourself up too bad, i know it hurts knowing you have gotton back into the darkness of addiction again but realize that we are addicts and this is a disease for which there is no known cure but it can be treated.
i have found for me that suboxone helped this hopeless addict to stop pill popping after many failed attempts on my own.
type in suboxone and do a search on it, it will explain how this medication helps.
faith in a higher power, NA meetings, 12 step living, having a sponsor are all the tools us addicts need to fight this disease of addiction. it is a brain disease pill popping is only 10% of the problem 90% is our "stinkin thinkin" there is a "itty bitty comittee" in our heads that make us want to self medicate and numb ourselves. finding the root problem thru counseling helps to reveal what is eating at us.
i had abused vicodin for 5 yrs, started innocently for legitimate pain relief for a tooth extraction. it was off to the races after that, i chased that first euphoric feeling for like i said 5 yrs and my favorite "bars" were emergency rooms, hospital stays, anyplace where i could get a morphine fix. my rock bottom was when i requested a morphine pump for self administered pain relief where i was lying in a hospital bed pushing the button every 5 min and having a nurse piss me off by telling me i was pushing the button way too much. my hand had painfully puffed up from the needle coming out of the vein , i freaked out when the nurse removed the needle from my hand and gave me oral vicodin which was like nothing more than taking a tic tac, i knew i was in trouble.
i was and still am in a mental torment where before i could numb my inner pain, today i dont have that release and it has been difficult but something that needed to be addressed, i had already done the instititions, what is left is prison and death. na has a slogan jails, insitutions and death. and not necessarily in that order, i am hopeful that working the 12 steps of recovery living with my sponsor is gonna help my mental pain and show me a new way of thinking. all the recovering addicts at na swear by it.
so i hope this post was helpful, you are not alone and we are all in the same boat as you dilford. jewels
Dilford...hello and welcome!

Thankfully you found us! I think you are so brave to post your story. As strange as this might sound, although some of the names and places maybe different your story is the same as most of us!

We all started out innocently to have fun and/or to numb away something that normies would just deal with. Before you know it you are a full blown addict. Tim is right about the chemistry part of this disease. Your brain has literally grown extra receptors so that it is able to get all the dope. The brain is an amazing organ. With that said you have damaged it...good news though....you can heal and fix it but it takes a boat load of work.

You have to want to stay clean as much as you needed to get high or stay level.

There are so many options available and this site is a great place to start. Peruse this site....so many options are available for treatment.

You have taken that first important step...coming here and spilling the beans! Yeah....what do you want to do?

You don't have to go through this alone...keep posting! We are here to help!
Thanks for the kind word and help from everyone!!! Yesterday was a very great day. I slept a full 8 hours. It was kinda hard to get out of bed, but once I got to work everything went very well. Had a great sales day!! I only took 8 pills yesterday not the normal 20!! Maybe everything is going to work out after all. I cant wait untill Memorial weekend, I hear its the greatest weekend for sales. It needs to be so I can make my sales cut!! So I can make up the time I had to leave work from being sick from pills!! Sometimes I wonder what the hell they think of this guy who is sick all the time for no reason!! Being around musicians all the time now I realize how many people do have drug problems, even people you would NEVER think would even try drugs. Some are very heavy users. I guess its in all walks of life. Hydro use is HUGE!!! Bigger then I could ever imagine. It kinda makes me sad when I see people doing this drug and I know where it leads. They say the same thing i did, do the things I did! You wake up 8 months from now with no pills and wonder what that feeling is!! Thats ADDICTION my friend!! Welcome to the club!!
Dillford-I hope Bikeman post to you.He is the same industry.I think he could really help you.
Diford, I know that when I was using I would try to tell myself that I would taper often...every time I was running low on pills.

It is my opinion that this doesn't work for the addict. Now some have tapered and I am always in awe when I hear that...for me I was in a constant state of varying degrees of w/d.

The pills were always on my mind! I would just get on with it! Yes you will be sick...no way around that but it won't kill you and it won't last forever.

The real problem isn't the pills...its you! What are you going to do to take responsibility for yourself? Find a good addiction doctor and a good therapist. Go to meetings and be with people that "get you". This is so empowering. Sounds like with your work you will always be surrounded by drugs. You need to figure out a way to work and not be tempted.

Bikeman will be a great help to you. I know you said you only took 8 pills today..that is great. But what about tomorrow? Did you do this on purpose or are you just running low? Look deep inside and answer some of those questions with a Doctor that cares about your recovery.

Wishing you all the best!
Hi Dilford

I can tell you it doesn't matter what people do. Musicians, yeah sometimes they tend to do more drugs. You may be right. Here are a couple of pics of my "office"

user posted image

user posted image

Funny things is, when I'm playing, especially live, I never used drugs. It was all those other times I thought I needed the help.

If you need (or want) to get clean, you have to ignore what everyone else is doing. I did. And believe me, I was (am) deep in the music industry. I'm clean over 2 years and getting with the band is a lot easier clean than it was when I was using.

Do what's right for you

Hawk
Hey Dillford!

I feel your pain! I, too, am on and off that damn merry-go-round. I can never, ever, ever, EVER, take them like I'm supposed to. It just isn't in my make-up, I wish it were, but it's not. That panicky feeling you mentioned, and your heart racing could be your blood pressure, it will shoot up when you're withdrawing. The fact you were able to sleep may be a good sign that things are going back to normal somewhat. Listen to the people on here with clean time, they have lots of good advice.

I had an accident 2 years and 4 months ago. At first, I thought "oh, goody, lots of pain pills!" That is how sick my thinking is. Why is my mind so twisted? Anyway, 12 operations (oh yeah, lots of pain pills, lucky me) later, lots of nerve damage in my leg, the bone is screwed together, I'm still at risk to lose my leg. My legs were my best feature for years. I was always a good dancer. I started wearing heel at 13 (I'm only 5'3) stillettos, FM pumps, cute sandals, always with the pedicure. My leg has been in some form of cast for over 2 years now. It doesn't even look like my leg anymore. It looks like someone else's screwed up foot on some other person's screwed up 2 inch shorter leg.

But aren't I lucky? I get all those wonderful, positive, life-affirming pain pills that have been so good to me.

Why can't I just be a normal person??




bump for Dilford
Hi Dilford,

Welcome. My own experience with tapering was this: I tapered from 20-30 Norcos/day down to 6/day, over the course of 2 weeks. Basically, I started out at 9, then 8, then 7.....but I was taking them all at once, at in the evening, kind of as a reward for getting through the day. Mentally, that seemed to work best for me. But once I got below the amount of pills it took (by then) to give me a buzz, then the taper went off the tracks. I exceeded my daily amount one night, and the next morning flushed the 25 or so I had left. I'm glad I did the 2-wwek taper because I think it made it safer to go cold turkey, but I'm one of those that don't think a full taper (down to 2 or less per day) is realistic for most, if any addicts. There's no such thing as a completely comfortable withdrawal.

Glad to hear that you're going to see your doctor and ask for help. Given the physical symptoms you're describing, you really seems like you should be doing this under medical supervision.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing. Your story is our story. None
Hey Dilford!

I have been in the music biz for a bunch of years and I'd like to share an observation that has helped me.
There are just as many addicts in other walks of life, it is simply more out in the open among musicians and other people in that industry. As soon as I realized that it was simply a matter of image, "coolness," or simply acceptance related to drug abuse in the industry that I was able to take a huge step towards getting clean.
What I mean is: there are just as many users on Wall Street or in the automative sales business, they just don't glamorize it as much. I was warned by some older musicians a long time ago, but I didn't listen. We are on the road or in clubs, so it is certainly in our faces quite a bit, but we are not unique or special......we just work in an arena where it is sort of expected. I have met SO MANY "proffesionals" who snort lines every day to make sales. Hydro abuse is rampant in the business world.

I keep this in mind when I am around the clubs, etc.
Good Luck!!!
Jer
Wow...Jer!

That is really profound! What great advice and so simple. Geez sometimes things are so clear that we can complicate things.

I can relate alot. I worked for a large insurance company where it was my job to "entertain" clients. The 6 hours lunches at various martini bars that went well into the next day.

I know when clients saw me coming it was time to drink and party. Talk about a liability. Drugs and alcohol play a major part in many area's of work and I think that what was said here makes so much sense. (even if I don't) LOL

Yeah.....addiction is equal opportunity!
It is truly amazing how many people in all walks of life are regularly f*$%ed up! My brother tells me all about the "conventions" and "seminars" he goes to. A buddy of mine works on Wall Street where he and his co-workers abuse steroids, pain-pills, booze, and blow. Hell, they use a bike-messenger service to get weed! Stay-at-home parents, people in the trades, teachers....it doesn't matter. I really got caught up in the expectation that "artists" must alter their minds. It seems like so many people I admired were known drug-abusers. It was like it just came with the territory.
Jer