At Some Of These We Balked...

Alcohol
1
QUOTE
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path.  Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program.  Usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves.  They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way.They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty.  Their chances are less than average.  Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Chapter 5, Pp 58


Boy, howdy! When I heard that everyday I bowed right up, determined that I was different. I hadn't received a "gift certificate" from the court system; I hadn't been forced into rehab by my family; I had gone to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting on the Tuesday after my wife asked if I'd talk to a recovering alcoholic about my 'drinking problem.' I would go--it would be MY idea--and be done with it.

A funny thing happened on my way to the meeting. The jerk-off didn't show and I found myself asking someone, "Is there a meeting here?" trying to act non-chalant and calm. He must have known what meeting I was talking about because he said, "Yeah, sure is. Welcome, I'm Ed. Glad you're here." I was a bit more at ease, but I surely didn't NEED to be there.

I WANTED to be there. And I've been going back ever since. There were things said and read that I didn't necessarily agree with, but I kept coming back because Ed said, "Don't look for the differences in what people say, look for the similarities in your own life." Nobody could convince me that I was an "alcoholic" although I knew it from an early age; I certainly didn't want to stop drinking--look at all the 'fun' I had!

It's the best thing I have ever done for my self, for my family, for my life.

I am grateful to AA for not just giving me my life back, but giving me back a life that I never thought I'd be able to have because of my drinking addiction. Today I am a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic.
2
Gosh, what a quote! It really is all about honesty isn't it.

Funny, I used to think that I wasn't a liar. What a lie that is!!

I think being honest exposes who you really are and for us lot, that is tough to face.
3
It took a long time for me get honest about my drinking. It was easier to believe that I was just an accident prone normal drinker. It took a lot of rock bottoms, ultimatums from my family and run ins with the law for me to admit the truth and stop kidding myself.

I want AA and need AA but I still find it a little difficult sharing. It's like when you are being honest people can see a little bit of your soul and that makes me feel naked and vulnerable sometimes. I find myself thinking 'what will I say?' or 'will I sound stupid if I say this or that'? But in spite of these feelings I do share. This is MY sobriety after all and it can't wait.

I also find that I carry the debris of my drinking days with me - the shame and guilt. I realised today while out shopping that I actually walk with my head bowed down a little and I generally avoid eye contact with people because I am wondering have they seen me when I was beserk/drunk/arrested/falling around the place. I know it will take a while for confidence and self belief to return. Every sober day I have will add to my stock of that. But still there is a great s***ty mess left behind once we do decide to get sober and a lot of work and healing to be done. Although I trust The Promises and believe it will be worth it in the end.....
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Hi Ruth!
I was the same way. In fact, I would get so absorbed in trying to make sure I said something meaningful and impactful that I generally stammered through a blathering thankfulness at the end. I would say nothing and just listen for many meetings, but I went every day. I still go everyday. I love being in the "free space" that is my group because, even if for only an hour on crappy days, I feel like I belong. I AM sobriety and I DO have something to share. No, not everyone has the same circumstances as me and No, not everyone cares to listen, but they do. And nearly every day, I hear something I need to hear to keep me sober and coming back.
The hanging head and averted eyes do (eventually) arise and are clear--both looking out and looking in. Hope is in the eyes of all the others who have gone before you and have proven that it can be done. That even I can do it--and my world hasn't come crashing in. In fact, just the opposite is true!
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Gidday Everyone

Addiction wants me to be scared, it wants me to be a loner, it wants me to bare my as@hole instead of my soul:) and it definately doesnt want me to be self honest because i might just not drink.

Skg the foundation that you are building your recovery on is solid and your sharing of how it is being built is music to this non instruction reader and i now find i am reading the instructions and putting a few braces into my recovery thanks mate

Ruth the past is the past and i still have people look at me and cross themselves or they say isnt he the crazy drinking one in that family or i run into people i do not know yet they know me from some drinking session and that is not good when it is women and i am with my family, but hey that is my past and i do not wish to shut the door on it because i need to learn from it and be scared of the parts that involve drinking and also it is all a part of my E.S.H
People will understand your sharing whatever you say because as long as you get whats in your head Fing you up then get it out into the open and it doesnt have as big of a hold once it is aired and heard

light and love Zac
6
QUOTE
while out shopping that I actually walk with my head bowed down a little and I generally avoid eye contact with people because I am wondering have they seen me when I was beserk/drunk/arrested/falling around the place


I went through the same thing, its not much fun...... but as time passes the embarrassment eases. I think now that if someone were to remind me of my drunken behaviour I could look them in the eye and say " yes, I have learned that I can't handle alcohol so I don't drink anymore" and still feel like a worthwhile human being. I hope you regain you self confidence self belief, I'm sure it will happen if you take it,

one day at a time, Cookster