August

Pain Pills
1
Dear August,
You are remarkable. I read your posts, and have for the past several weeks. I was afraid to post to you before because you seem stern but the more I read, the more I see what a huge heart you have. Not to mention I think you are absoloutely brilliant.
August, I just went 2 weeks with no pills and went back to them. I went thru the withdrawls, and while not pretty, they were doable. I felt so strange, like I didn't know what to do with myself in that time, almost like I was afraid of everything, nervous, uncertain, I'd get nervous if the phone would ring. I'd look around the house and not do much, only what I had to. I went to a meeting after going back to the pills and (this is not my first attempt, more like the fifth or sixth) in the beginning they read this thing and one stuck to me and scared me.
It was something to the effect about those being "mentally incapable of following the program" or something like that and I got scared and thought that maybe that was me because I keep going back to these damn things. Do you think it is the case for me? I mean I really want this, I think of my blessings, I have three great kids, 13, 10 and 6; and then I think of Liz and her not having her kids and that breaks my heart; and I think of you and the cancer and how strong you are and I still have my kids; I don't have cancer; I'm healthy and have so much to be thankful for, yet I don't quit while I'm ahead. Why do you think that is?
On one of my other attempts to quit, I went to two meetings. There was this old guy there and on the second meeting I got the guts up to share a little and when I mentioned pills, he said something to the effect that this was about booze or something and it made me feel bad. At the end, this lady told me not to worry and that I was welcome and that he's and "old timer" and they can be like that. The meeting I was at a couple days ago, he was there, and if he wasn't, I probably might have poured my heart out because I really feel bad that I went back to the pills, but I don't think he likes me very much.
You see, I'm not accountable to anyone, nobody even knows about the pills, so I think I should tell somebody other than you guys because its too easy to not come to the computer if I don't want to. I'm sorry I'm rambling, its just that its Sunday morning, I was up till 4am looking at pictures of my kids when they were babies and crying because they really need me and if I keep going, I'm afraid I'm going to kill my liver. Can you help me?
Thank you August.
Roseanne
2
Roe, Honey,
Please do me a favor and email me. My daughter rebooted our whole system - of course she saved "HER" address's - anyway, I REALLY need to talk to you
My email is purplerain062@yahoo.com. let me know. thanks
3
Hey Marie,
I did email you this morning. You should have it now. Write back, Love Roe
4

Roseanne, the text that you mentioned is posted below:

"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.

There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest

Judging from the honesty and lucidity I see in your posts, I am very confident that you do not fall into the category of those with grave emotional and mental disorders. There are some that have some really severe handicapsI do not know if it is severe bipolar disorder, or schizophrenia (I am not a psychologist) or whatI think some literally had their minds blown to smithereens while experimenting in the 60s. While many of these people use drugs and drink to still the voices they hear, they are in need of serious psychiatric help. In your case, I think the program will benefit you if you work it.


The sensation you mention, of being really antsy and unmotivated is extremely commonplace. You have dampened your nervous system with drugs for a long time and as you come out of that state, your synapses starts firing up a storm. Thus, the newcomer becomes antsy, on edge, with wild emotional swings, and my favorite all-time expression from my early days in the rooms: filled with free floating anxiety. This is one reason that so many meetings are recommended in the beginning. It really takes a lot to cope with all of this, and it really helps to look to a group of people who know what you are going through and will support you and give you good suggestions for dealing with it. I had free-floating anxiety when I came off the patches. I am a pretty level, stoic kind of guy and there I was on the phone broken down and crying, blubbering to my brother that I thanked him for his support during the cancer but begging him that he would not let me die in the street if I relapsed. Luckily, I was also aware (to the extent possible) that all of this would pass quickly, and it did.

Now comes a very touchy topic for some members of AA: the old singleness of purpose doctrine. Many folks came into AA at a time prior to the proliferation of cross addiction. These folks have made a decision, and it is their organization, that AA is there strictly for alcoholics. Now that sounds rigid and dogmatic and it is, and you obviously ran across someone who has nothing better to do than to go about enforcing it. That does not mean he dislikes you, only that he feels that he is protecting a much larger issue. In essence, he fears being swept aside if AA changes to a point where he no longer feels welcome. We can debate the righness of this all we want. It is what it is and we have to deal with it.

Because of the singleness of purpose doctrine, a bunch of drug addicts went out and formed NA. Likewise a lot of AA groups had group consciences and formally decided that they would accept folks who are dealing with issues other than alcohol.

Roseanne, for me it was easily resolved. I knew that these people understood my issue, and it was not a big deal for me to acknowledge that I was an alcoholic and to refer to my issues in that context. I just run a mental search and replace and use the word "alcohol" instead of dope when I speak in the rooms. After all, the program requires that we quit both, so it does not pose a burden to us. I believe it is all the same thing, and being from the south, I feel that I can conform to such quaint traditions as these when something as serious as my life is at issue. If you really have a problem with the nomenclature, you should avoid attending "closed meetings," which are for alcoholics only. There is nothing to prevent you from attending "open meetings." For the most part, I found an open meeting where I was comfortable, that acknowleged cross addictions, and I identify myself as an "alcholic and an addict," so that I do not have problems with other AA folks or with myself for being less than totally honest.

My suggestion for those attending any meeting is to do more listening than sharing in the very beginning. All meetings (and message boards) have their colorful characters, and just as it might be wise to avoid encountering that stern August West guy until you know what he is really about, likewise for the old fart who got sober before so many drugs hit the market. I would not let it keep you from the meetings. Clearly, you already have some folks in your corner. However, you can go again and either say you had a "slip," or that you had a "drink." My guess is that in time you will learn to love the old fart with all of his little quirks.

Roseanne you are doing all the right things. You are trying to be honest with yourself and others, and you are willing to really put yourself out there by going to meetings. Keep doing this and keep trying to quit, and keep picking up white chips. Sooner or later, it will take. With each effort you are gaining more experience to help you with your recovery.

Good luck. Let us know how you are doing.

August
5
hey august,
read your post with great interest. the only option i have for a 12 step mtg is AA that meets twice weekly in my small community.the nearest NA is appx two hr drive.
i am a gratefull DRUG ADDICT in recovery!!
im into my third week home following five weeks in a in pt treatment centre that saved my life. however, attended and had bad experience at AA while there.i know that this is my recovery and i should work it but going into a room with tension and fear defeats my purpouse of attending AND i can't get passed this! i also know that i do worry about the anyominity being from a small town.
coming from the cocoon of a place where i was known and accepted for who/what i am to isolation is a constant challenge..... all the more reason to go says my intelligence..... excuses ? maybe... i will be attending an aftercare program in Oct in the city and look towards this as my recovery IS important to me. it is a life or death situation and although told that i should'nt take an all or nothing approach can't change the way i feel. clean two mths at this time and continue to struggle each day, somtimes each minute! i read my recovery literature n pray to my higher power. internet sites such as this one keeps me sane as well. Rosemary
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roseanne ,
You sound alot like me.I wish we lived near each other and could go to a meeting together.You don't happen to be in new england do you?
-Jenna
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sorry Jenna,
I'm in AZ; Just moved here about 6 months ago from WI. I hear New England is beautiful. Tell me more about you.
Roseanne