Back In It...tired Of This Shi+

Heroin
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Well, there we were, my husband, my mom, and me...sitting at a gas station in St. Albans, Vermont, way the heck up there...had driven over from our condo to visit the younger daughter at UVM. Had a great Saturday and a great Sunday, beautiful weather, nice evenings, feeling generally content...all was right with our world................................BAM!

Hubby's cell phone rings...the neighbors...daughter was taken away in an ambulance called by some f**ked up loser who brought her the bag that OD'd her. Gotta give him credit though, could've let her die and saved himself the trouble of talking to the cops. My poor neighbor is in a panic cause he couldn't reach us (no reception for about 40 miles up there)...cops, ambulance, EMTs...the whole thing.

Called her in the ER after they shot her full of Narcane...I asked her, "What's your plan? Where are you going and how will you get out of there and who will pick you up?" Her response: "You sound so cold. I'm not one of your students like you're asking me for an outline of my plan." F**k her...she doesn't get to tell me how to react to my daughter ODing. Sorry if I didn't freak out enough for her...no tears, no wailing...guess I'm not on board with the drama anymore. So you OD'd...what am I supposed to do about it from Vermont? I'm more pissed that my poor neighbors had to be involved and that there were cops walking around inside my house when I wasn't there.

This whole sad thing plays into her little fantasy about a junkie she's in love with. Nice enough guy, but hasn't been able to cobble together an adult life for himself at the age of 34...just a series of rehabs, halfways houses, sober houses, and relapses. So now he's "taking care of" her...hope he knows he's being played and his role as she's dreamed it in her make-believe world.

I saw it coming too...I hate having this sixth sense about it...but on Friday before meeting hubby and leaving for the weekend I had him on the phone while she was with him and said to him, "How does she seem to you? Something's off." Told me she was fine and I called her to talk, asked her what all was up, was she thinking about using..."I always think about using, but it's fine....I'm fine." That word...fine....fine...it's her 'tell' as they say in poker...

So she stayed clean long enough to make our trip (drug tested her 3 hours before we left)...thank God for that...and we had our fun...but now it's business as usual. Her friend - someone we actually trust, a man our age and her unofficial sponsor - called me and said she doesn't want to use and wants to come home. Well, not tonight, and not tomorrow, we'll see about Wednesday...just not feeling it.

Feeling sad for my 77 year old mom who had to find out this way what's been going on...to hear her granddaughter's been sticking herself like a pin cushion. She's know about the drugs for years, but we've been keeping the most recent from her - why worry her over something she can't change? She doesn't need this at her age...she deserves some peace after raising the five of us.

Not sure where we're going with us, but I do know this...no house key for her, no more time alone in my house...so tired of this crap.

But I will say this...I slept like a baby last night...don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but I did. And I'm not freaking out right now, not even sad, like Cyndi said, just plain tired is all.
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Sending you some P vibes M&M from Bonnie Scotland ....
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Hi M&M...Im so sorry for the pain...and the scare and the scenario...you hit it I think right on the head...its HER fantasy...you dont have to play...regardless though...its a scary place....and Im so sorry for the fear and the pain...what can I say though...Im the ex-junkie on the other side...and I have nothing to say to it...I know the pull, I understand the wanting even though I know i would od just as she did and just as quick cuz I have been off of it for months..its unexplainable somehow and its insane...I know..and I know your tired of it...I know your love is strained to the breaking...there is no way out though but through...she knows that and so dont you...she will have to play it all the way through now...I think its what she has always wanted to do...some us have to do that..take care of yourself M&M...your doing everything right..really, you are....Im so sorry M&M...dont know why were like this, wish it wernt so...I can only hope she will have the time to understand herself someday and be ok...thinking of you both...hugs

Con
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I'm sorry that you have this to deal with. The last time my brother overdosed my moms reation was pretty blank and cold you can only freak out so many times. With my brother it's nearly every week he has a melt down of sorts. It gets HARD to be in a constant state of fear and worry. For your own sanity sometimes you got to let it go. Thankfully at least she did get medical help.
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ZG -
How are you? Any better lately? I know you've been struggling for some time now. I'm thinking of you...

Checked your MySpace and saw the Florida photos...Ben couldn't look any more like you...like he fell out of your pocket =) Robbie looks like his dad, and Ally is fabulously beautiful. Hope it was mad fun.

I'm pretty okay...it just sucks...and like I said, I feel for my mom...I could hear the catch in her throat tonight as she hoped for better news. Broke my heart for her trying to be all strong for me.

Peace~MomNMore
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You give your love, then it's tough love, then you cut them off. An addict is never fully aware of the turmoil that they cause in the lives of the people that care about them the most.
Then you reach a point when your just waiting for the inevitable.

You so much want to do right by them. The fact is they will never ever listen.
In the end you pray that they reach there own low point, and wake up before you have to make plans for a funeral.
I feel for you, I have buried a nephew and beat myself up thinking about things left unsaid. My poor sister kicked him out of the house the night he ODed.
I'm afraid she'll always carry some guilt even though she knows what direction he was headed.
Time doesn't heal wounds, it just scabs over.

I really wish I new what to tell you, but there is no one answer.
Maybe prayer if your a spiritual person.

Luck to you.
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M's I am so so sorry...............I don't even know what to say!

I'm sorry!

I have to make note though of how your daughter replied when you asked about a plan..............cold?............not one of your students?

What are you supposed to do?

I'm really sorry.............I'm glad she is alright though........well living I mean! I'm an addict but still I want to say unfreakinbelievable..........still I know how it goes!
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Zekk~
Thanks for stopping by...I derive some hope from everyone who has found a way out...and all you said is right on.

Peace~MomNMore