Just that guys........a.little vent....but i cant seem to get the stuff outta my head for the last couple of days....a real yearning and want for its feeling and smell....the shot of blood you see when you have hit a vein spot on .....the pushing of the plunger into yerself.I know im like a dog chasing its own tale with what im thinking.Im not an NA type of guy if ya get me......but the way im feeling is like i know i need something....along those lines.Im on 70ml.of methadone and i doubt my Doc.would up me as i get 13days of take homes...i dunno if an extra 10ml.would make that much difference anyhow.Its crazy how the want for heroin can grab you ......it creeps real sneaky into yer mindset.....then its in yer head every day like a sore tooth.I used a lot of benzos whilst on smack .....so ive got that lil devil sitting on the other shoulder going a few valium wouldnt hurt but i know if i got a taste i would be right back into it.Thanks for listening gotta go....all the best.............Davey
Well, that's just it Davey. If we only could have a little taste, then a taste wouldn't be so bad. But a taste will make you suffer and crave even more. Take the cravings you're having right now and x's them by 100 for tomorrow if you do. I don't do na either, but I think the saying play the tape all the way through comes from them. It's so true. There will be consequences and remembering that can help us stay strong.
I had some terrible cravings over the holidays. I hurt my shoulder somehow and had terrible pain. That made it alot worse. I stopped just short of hitting an emergency facility as I didn't want it ruined. Remembering the jones keeps me strong too. I don't want to go through that again!
Hang tough Davey! I know you will. I also know how strong those urges can be. I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
My best,
Beck
I had some terrible cravings over the holidays. I hurt my shoulder somehow and had terrible pain. That made it alot worse. I stopped just short of hitting an emergency facility as I didn't want it ruined. Remembering the jones keeps me strong too. I don't want to go through that again!
Hang tough Davey! I know you will. I also know how strong those urges can be. I'm sorry. I wish I could help.
My best,
Beck
Davey
Been thru it my friend- - sometimes just the smell of a match would get me - it would remind me of the smell of the cooker- then I couldn't get it out of my head all day - or until I caved in.
Since I,ve been on m done- which has been a long fucqing time, it hasn't been to bad. About a year ago ,maybe a little longer- I caved in & went & copped 4 bags ,thru them all in at once & ran it slow- (not a safe move ,even on mdone)
Yeah the whole ritual was there- the feelings you get from ripping open the bags >to watching the blood come up like you mentioned- but it was different , really different.
Number 1- I felt really guilty,like I let myself screw up for no reason(not that there is a reason)
Number 2- I took a stupid chance & copped on the street in a dangerous & police patrolling area.I have thrown out all phone numbers of dealers so it was no easy"meet me here" kind of thing*
Number 3- Being I was on about 60 mgs of m done at the time I felt it for about 15 mint,s- that it!
Not worth it- the money is wasted, your chasing a ghost cause you,re not going to feel it like you used to- and then you feel twice as bad.
I did go up on my m done at that time. I went up to 80 mgs & yes it did make a difference.- - -Now .Im back down to 50- & I feel fine.
I know how it goes man,it really aint worth it.
Hang in there Bro, you aint missing anything.
best regards,
jack
Been thru it my friend- - sometimes just the smell of a match would get me - it would remind me of the smell of the cooker- then I couldn't get it out of my head all day - or until I caved in.
Since I,ve been on m done- which has been a long fucqing time, it hasn't been to bad. About a year ago ,maybe a little longer- I caved in & went & copped 4 bags ,thru them all in at once & ran it slow- (not a safe move ,even on mdone)
Yeah the whole ritual was there- the feelings you get from ripping open the bags >to watching the blood come up like you mentioned- but it was different , really different.
Number 1- I felt really guilty,like I let myself screw up for no reason(not that there is a reason)
Number 2- I took a stupid chance & copped on the street in a dangerous & police patrolling area.I have thrown out all phone numbers of dealers so it was no easy"meet me here" kind of thing*
Number 3- Being I was on about 60 mgs of m done at the time I felt it for about 15 mint,s- that it!
Not worth it- the money is wasted, your chasing a ghost cause you,re not going to feel it like you used to- and then you feel twice as bad.
I did go up on my m done at that time. I went up to 80 mgs & yes it did make a difference.- - -Now .Im back down to 50- & I feel fine.
I know how it goes man,it really aint worth it.
Hang in there Bro, you aint missing anything.
best regards,
jack
Hi Davey
Don't know what your feeling just now your a very caring person, hang in there and I will feel as if your hangin in for my girl to .
Lots of love welsh lady
Don't know what your feeling just now your a very caring person, hang in there and I will feel as if your hangin in for my girl to .
Lots of love welsh lady
Thanks folks......and Jack yer right on all points......just being able to come on here and get my thoughts out helps greatly.....feel a lot better now.Becks also you summed it up when saying if i had a lil taste the comedown would make me feel awful.....which i know it would the guilt,waste etc.
Take care and thank you again............Davey
Take care and thank you again............Davey
Yeah i feel ya. Just reading the 1st few lines gave me a sweat. I tell myself all the TIME i don't want to be addicted again i just want to get high.... just a lil....I miss the rush a lot. Yes addicts get addiced to the whole process the finding a vain, the mixing ,the scoring. I know i don't want the h lifestyle oh yeah i miss the high. i don't do meetings either remember every bad craving WILL PASS. It is worth it to just hold on do anything to keep your mind buzy. It is all a mental battle now.
Davey, I so relate to you, though our DOC's were polar opposites. but yes, when you wrote about that blood in the syringe, that perfect mushroom cloud, oh yes, it brought me back to the day. What a rush, just the mechanics of shooting up, the whole process, that was such a hard thing for me to kick. The cocaine cravings lessened, but seeing that cloud, finding a vein, pushing the plunger....some days I just want that and then the deafness that would hit once the coke was rushing through my bloodstream...I miss that most of all.
I'm too smart to go back to using, well, at least I hope I am.
Stay strong mate, the consequences of our actions, of going back, are too horrible to contemplate.
I'm too smart to go back to using, well, at least I hope I am.
Stay strong mate, the consequences of our actions, of going back, are too horrible to contemplate.
OK THEN--did't think iwas having any cravings till i read through these posts--thanks guys LOL man--then stuff i had forgotten i really miss--recovery is awesome--all the promises are ture--it can happen-- i actually forgot that i liked those things--dont get me wrong life is far from perfect and im far from cured-not what im saying i just really was reminded of what cravings were like in the beginning--practically impossible, but it does get better.....
Davey--how it going--are you evening out--did you ask the doctor about a increase--was it the stress of family and the holidays--thats whats eating at me right now--family--what a labrynth of emotion and confusion and love and fear and anger and laughter and guilt and.....whatever
Davey--how it going--are you evening out--did you ask the doctor about a increase--was it the stress of family and the holidays--thats whats eating at me right now--family--what a labrynth of emotion and confusion and love and fear and anger and laughter and guilt and.....whatever
Yeh Amity....the thoughts have levelled out a bit ....now im back at work....it keeps me busy ...then i get home and give Sian a hand with her homework so by her bedtime...9pm..im pretty wrecked.....so the thoughts arnt so vivid and strong.......but back up to the clinic on Weds.....but i think i got myself together............many thanks.......Davey
hey davey
I normlly post on alkie board - i notice you recently started a job.
for myself i tend to self sabotage - if something starts to go good in my life that's when I crave and go out drink and relapse.
maybe this is part of what's going on in your head - that whole self-sabotage crap.
you are doing great - just be aware of it, post and get it out. hope it settles down for ya.
idgie.
I normlly post on alkie board - i notice you recently started a job.
for myself i tend to self sabotage - if something starts to go good in my life that's when I crave and go out drink and relapse.
maybe this is part of what's going on in your head - that whole self-sabotage crap.
you are doing great - just be aware of it, post and get it out. hope it settles down for ya.
idgie.
That's an excellent post, Idgie.
Don't we do that? Self-sabatoge! That could be it for Davey.
Thinking of ya Davey.
Don't we do that? Self-sabatoge! That could be it for Davey.
Thinking of ya Davey.
Hello..Idgie.....good point....i dont think i really suffer from self sabotage but i understand yer point maybe i have a vibe ...like o.k you got a job ...why not a lil taste to celebrate....which i suppose is a form of self sabotage....but thank god in my job i get to use my skill and brains and am learning new stuff....so that keeps me on my toes.
Thanks for the input though.....take care..........Davey
Thanks for the input though.....take care..........Davey
that job sounds like loads of fun--man id love to be able to use my artistic skills to make $--dont get me wrong im lovin y little low stress desk job, but man to do something creative--wow--count that blessing often--you sound like you are really doing the dang thing davey--right on brotha!!!!!
Hiya Davey, how ya doin'? Hope that you've managed to work that stuff outta your head. You've got me thinking a lot about cravings - in a good way! You kinda just tripped something in my head, just got some thoughts turning. I think I'm lucky. I seem to have got to a point where I can think about cravings as a sort of memory. I used to get them soooo bad, it would utterly consume me. That thing about seeing the blood pull back into the barrell. Yeah it makes me think about heroin. But I change the image. A syringe full of congealing blood, coz I've been digging around for a vein for the past hour. Hell, I've changed the pin 3 times, but this is my last works, and the only gear I'm gonna have tonight, so I am gonna get that f***er in if it kills me. I'm trying to find a vein, but I'm totally soaked in blood. I'm feeling for one, but my hands are shaking so much I can hardly hold the pin. I think I'm in one, I pull back. The syringe is so full of blood already that I can't see it, but I think it's getting fuller. I press down to see if it's in. Yeah! I push for another couple of ml. f*** it to hell and back, the s***arse of a b**** blew! - At this point I just put the pin down, put my head in my hands and sob... I don't need that s*** in my life. Nothing will ever make so desperate and pathetic again, coz I'm a whole lot better than that. And every day I prove it. I ain't giving that up for anything.
Cravings wear rose tinted spectacle. You just have to add some realism to them, and remember how it really was.
much love
Diff xx
Cravings wear rose tinted spectacle. You just have to add some realism to them, and remember how it really was.
much love
Diff xx
Diff...thanks for asking....doing o.k now im back to work......yeh of course thoughts of heroin have their downside....ya dont get that perfect hit everytime and i like you went thru plenty of bloodsoaked horror....scenes that you vividly described.I know every addicts journey is different if put on a scale of one to ten yer a cool 10...and i would see myself as a 6/7....in terms of recovery.....although ive had only two small lapses in nearly 18mnths.....both one evening affairs not 3day binges...like i wouldve had before i really tried to give up.So yeh the cravings have passed.....its like im not that bothered now but its stunning how they can grab you from time to time.Take care....Davey
Amity....the jobs a good one ive gotta be a good boy ..no calling in sick on Mondays...lol....but its tough work.....a few nicks and burns have been gained in its learning curve....all put down to experience though..... mind yerself .......Davey
Amity....the jobs a good one ive gotta be a good boy ..no calling in sick on Mondays...lol....but its tough work.....a few nicks and burns have been gained in its learning curve....all put down to experience though..... mind yerself .......Davey
Hi Davey, thanks, but I ain't quite a 10. A few weeks back I was considering scoring myself. Went through all the planning and everything. I coulda done it and nobody round here would have been any the wiser. But it wasn't craving in the true sense. Like z-g said, it's an escape thing. Sometimes I feel like I'm insane. I won't bore you with my nutty relationship woes, but sometimes he makes me doubt my own sanity, and maybe coz some Dr stuck a label on me, and gave me a diagnosis, I really wonder if it is me with the problem, coz he makes me feel like I should be the one to blame, and that depresses the hell out of me. And sometimes I wish I was anywhere else, anybody else, and heroin is a cheap way of going on a head vacation. No wonder they call it the midnight express. And as an addict, I sometimes feel that it's grossly unfair and hard to live with, that I'm so well acquainted with the novocaine for the soul, but I'm not allowed to have it when I feel like I really can't deal with the here and now. My old analogy, it's like eating from the tree of knowledge. Once you've learned it, you can't ever forget it. But I try to rationalise, and think how best not to f*** up the good things. It's seductive though, the thought that I don't want to go on a permanent holiday. I just want one night out of my head, and then I'll be able to cope much better the next day. But I recognise the voice of my addict, telling me I can have my cake and eat it. If I just let her out for one night, she'll go back into her cage quietly, without a fight. Yeah, right. Like I'm daft or something! Ha! If he thinks I'm the b**** from hell, wait till he gets a load of that psychotic lunatic. I'm soft as s***, but she'll brawl in the street with men twice her size.
I think that as a recovering addict, you can move on, but it's always gonna be a monkey on your back. It keeps popping up when you least expect it. I think the trick is just to keep letting joy back in your life.
love
Diff x
I think that as a recovering addict, you can move on, but it's always gonna be a monkey on your back. It keeps popping up when you least expect it. I think the trick is just to keep letting joy back in your life.
love
Diff x
Alrite Diff...only got a min.but a poster has one of those sayings at the end of her sig.on the P.Pforum...i.e..:The monkey might be off your back but the circus aint left town:
Exactly what your saying.....and try not to let that man?put you down ...you are one of the most spirited,funny..people ive had the pleasure of writing with.
Take care Ms.,,,..........Davey
Exactly what your saying.....and try not to let that man?put you down ...you are one of the most spirited,funny..people ive had the pleasure of writing with.
Take care Ms.,,,..........Davey
hi davey, i hope your craving has died down, or even better, gone! it can feel like your head is going to explode from thinnking about it and wanting it and it feels like it'll never end. you just have to ride it out! easy to say i know, esp as i often give in. but it also doesn't make you feel better as you know and as others have said too. you just feel annoyed with self and disappointed. so keep going and i really hope it has passed!! take care.
Hello....JAR....thanks for asking....yep the thoughts of some gear have faded,but not gone altogether....they are still nagging me slightly.I can live with that as every recovering addict has to....one day at a time etc.
My real test will be at the meth.d clinic i go to every 2 weeks this Weds.....i dont really have the money to be blowing it on smack anyway ...which is a blessing......so i think i will ride it out as you said.
Take care...........Davey
My real test will be at the meth.d clinic i go to every 2 weeks this Weds.....i dont really have the money to be blowing it on smack anyway ...which is a blessing......so i think i will ride it out as you said.
Take care...........Davey
Hi Davey, just a thought, coz you know that "script day" is coming, and you see it as a bit of a test. Just to make sure you're safe, leave your money and bank cards behind when you go pick up your 'done. And maybe arrange to be somewhere straight after. I hate running into my old using mates. Sometimes I feel like I'm being mobbed, they crowd round, and make me nervous. Just before xmas, I bumped into a couple of dodgy characters outside Lidls, they came over and started unloading my shopping into my car - I was jumpy as hell, and doing my best to get away. In the end I got cajoled into giving one of them a lift to his mates house. I was totally on pins, trying to keep and eye of everything, trying to make sure nothing went missing. I told my boyfriend, and he got cross with me. He said next time just ring him, and tell 'em if they got a problem with me giving them the brush off to take it up with him. But when you're on your own in a carpark in the rough end of town, you ain't got time to make phone calls, and s***. You just gotta deal with it the best you can at the time.
take car buddy
love
diff x
take car buddy
love
diff x
