Hi everyone, hope you are all well... I need to vent a little... I didn't have the best weekend, it started OK but on Saturday one of my oldest friends came over for lunch and while we were chatting I decided to take the plunge and just tell her about my drinking, and that I was pretty sure I was an alcoholic. She spent the next 20 minutes telling me no, you're fine, you just have to drink in moderation. I kept telling her that that's the problem, I CAN'T drink in moderation, if it's there I will drink it. She wouldn't listen at all and it depressed me so much. So of course I got drunk. It had been 19 days since I had drank last, that's the longest I've gone in a long time, and now it's back to the beginning (never mind how hungover and useless I felt yesterday). I know staying sober is my responisbility but I don't understand at all why she would fight me like that when I tried to confide in her. She almost seemed panicky, like my problem affects her somehow? Or our relationship has to change? (Which I guess it does, no more happy hour get-togethers right?) Maybe I really do have to change my friends? I had this idea in my head that that wasn't really necessary but now I'm not so sure. It's left me pretty down, I'm afraid to tell anyone else now if this is the reaction I'm going to get. Anyway just wanted to get that out. Started over yesterday so today is day 2...
Hey Ciaobella, speaking from my own experience, it did affect her. It caused her to take a look at herself, and she's probably also afraid of losing her drinking buddy. Remember misery loves company.Not meant as an insult to her, just that we are a little more familiar with trying to get sober, and it probably scared the hell out of her.
Don't be hard on yourself....even if you do drink, if you know it's wrong deep down, you are still making progress my friend;)
Hey and BTW.... 19 days is awesome;))))
Don't be hard on yourself....even if you do drink, if you know it's wrong deep down, you are still making progress my friend;)
Hey and BTW.... 19 days is awesome;))))
Yeah of course it your responsibility but friends can be so crap sometimes. She obviously doesnt' understand this at all and has never had any experience of alcoholism (or too much experience so its normality for her) You needed for her to understand and support you.
Just like to say sometimes when I would explain to my friends about my ex having a problem they would convince me that he didn't and that I was just being over sensitive and not wanting him to have fun. Now when it turns out all to be true one friend explained that she thinks I was only telling certain anecdotes or giving enough information so that she could convince me that he hadn't a problem .. in other words I was kind of still in denial myself. I hadn't explained strongly enough as i was still holding out hope that he wasn't.
Not saying that this is even comparable but just thought it might be interesting to read. Also I wouldn't have understood anything of alcoholism if it wasn't for my experience with my ex... Its only now that I know how to be supportive of people in your situation.. and also how important it is.
Just like to say sometimes when I would explain to my friends about my ex having a problem they would convince me that he didn't and that I was just being over sensitive and not wanting him to have fun. Now when it turns out all to be true one friend explained that she thinks I was only telling certain anecdotes or giving enough information so that she could convince me that he hadn't a problem .. in other words I was kind of still in denial myself. I hadn't explained strongly enough as i was still holding out hope that he wasn't.
Not saying that this is even comparable but just thought it might be interesting to read. Also I wouldn't have understood anything of alcoholism if it wasn't for my experience with my ex... Its only now that I know how to be supportive of people in your situation.. and also how important it is.
CB
I'll tell ya, if I was early in sobriety and someone that knew me well told me I didn't really have a drinking problem I would have taken it and run too. We're good at hearing what we want to hear and not what we know is true, aren't we? Changing persons, places and things was important for me in the beginning. I didn't want to leave my friends behind either. Heck, I did it so extreme I moved 1500 miles away. But that was what I needed. I didn't know ANYBODY that didn't get high on something. If your friend isn't ready to accept the fact that you can't get drunk with her any more maybe you need to stay away from her until you get a bit more of a foundation for recovery. Or instead of meeting her somewhere that serves alcohol, go to a coffee shop where no alcohol is served. Heck, meet her at McDonalds. It's safe there. Until I made my sobriety the most important thing in my life, I couldn't stay sober. I made up all kinds of excuses to drink or drug. The choice is yours of course. Maybe you could check out some AA meetings and make some sober friends? That's what worked for me anyway.
Have a good one and don't drink just for today.
I'll tell ya, if I was early in sobriety and someone that knew me well told me I didn't really have a drinking problem I would have taken it and run too. We're good at hearing what we want to hear and not what we know is true, aren't we? Changing persons, places and things was important for me in the beginning. I didn't want to leave my friends behind either. Heck, I did it so extreme I moved 1500 miles away. But that was what I needed. I didn't know ANYBODY that didn't get high on something. If your friend isn't ready to accept the fact that you can't get drunk with her any more maybe you need to stay away from her until you get a bit more of a foundation for recovery. Or instead of meeting her somewhere that serves alcohol, go to a coffee shop where no alcohol is served. Heck, meet her at McDonalds. It's safe there. Until I made my sobriety the most important thing in my life, I couldn't stay sober. I made up all kinds of excuses to drink or drug. The choice is yours of course. Maybe you could check out some AA meetings and make some sober friends? That's what worked for me anyway.
Have a good one and don't drink just for today.
Ciaobella, put down the stick and stop beating yourself up...you did what we do, we drink....you just start again, one day at time...I was told to change my playmates and my playground...I still chat with some of the folks I use to "party" with, but I really no longer have anything in common with them. However, if you are anything like me sobriety is harder to attain as the disease progresses within us... My Mom didn't believe I was ever that bad, lol! My sister, Rachel, does a big eye roll on that one...my Mom, just doesn't want to hear it...and many a time I would think it would be okay for me to continue drinking, well because afterall my Mom didn't think I was that bad! However, 99% of the rest of the family couldn't stand to be around me when I was drinking! My Mom, quite the enabler! I've mentioned before when I tried to make amends to her she got nervous and said, oh, that's okay...now let's go eat! Today is a new day...!
Great, Great post 12 Stepper! Now we're on the same page!!!! Very well written;)
Hi Hun, You know what I did for the first little while, I just told "my friends" I didn't feel like drinking today, had a stomach ache, a headache, or had to work in the morning etc.So after awhile someone of the just stopped bugging me all together, then the other ones would keep pestering me, and I just distanced myself from them, and I still have, they would have rathered had a drunk Liz around than a sober one, probably made them look better!!lololololo well guess they have to find another drunk to take my bar stool!! lolololo People don't really like any type of change, they like to keep the status quo, and your friend probably did have to look at herself more after you told her you aren't drinking anymore, probably scared her into thinking she has a problem too. One of my "friends" was like that they like you to sink with the ship. Hang in there girlfriend, there's lots of other activities to pick up with sober friends, mind you I haven't done that yet myself, I just kinda hang out with my animal friends and my mom, and my H when he's sober.
Sending you lots of love girlfriend, wish you were closer....
Big Hugs today especially 4 U!!!
Lovedove
Sending you lots of love girlfriend, wish you were closer....
Big Hugs today especially 4 U!!!
Lovedove
VW, that was a very good post;) Thanks for sharing....again, we have alot of things in common!
Bella, I don't have great advice like some of the others I just wanted you to know I feel for you and will have you in my prayers. Hang in there my friend,
Peace and Sobriety,
Valarie
Peace and Sobriety,
Valarie
Thanks everyone... I'm trying not to beat myself up, I'm just disappointed that I lost those 19 days, and bummed about my friend. We sure did like to get loaded together once upon a time, these days we don't see each other often but I've definitely seen her out of control drunk many a time. So maybe she identifies with me but isn't ready to admit a problem? I guess I'll have to not see her for awhile if that's the way things are going to turn out. VW, the thought of telling my sister freaks me out b/c I suspect she has a problem with booze too, might react like my friend did? Though I'm not sure, my relationship w/my sister is a different one, it'd probably just make her worry about me. 12Stepper that's exactly what happened, I let myself get taken in by what she was saying and that sent me over the edge & into the drunken abyss. Maybe I should have been more careful about which friend I opted to spill my guts to. I'm so glad all you guys are here though, at least I can spill my guts to you & know you won't react by encouraging me to get wasted (though ultimately that's on me, I sure can't lay all the blame on her). I'm back to "one day at a time" now... staying home for the 4th tomorrow too since everyplace I've been invited will feature booze. Thanks again for the support guys... I needed it.
Bella,
I am not sure if I will be home tomorrow night or not. I am trying to avoid the booze partys as well. May go to non drinking friends...but if I am home I will hop on here and we can chat. Just wanted you to know that so you won't feel alone tomorrow night. Peace my friend,
Valarie
I am not sure if I will be home tomorrow night or not. I am trying to avoid the booze partys as well. May go to non drinking friends...but if I am home I will hop on here and we can chat. Just wanted you to know that so you won't feel alone tomorrow night. Peace my friend,
Valarie
Hey thanks Val, I appreciate that. I'd love to just be able to go to a BBQ & hang out but I know it's not safe for me to do that. They have a fireworks show at the university & I should be able to see it from my patio, so am thinking I'll just watch that. But I may very well pop online to see if you or anyone is around, this will be my first sober 4th of July in a very long time...
Bella,
First sober 4th for me as well. July 6th will be 10 months for me. It seems just like yesterday....crazy that I was soo out of control. I am still waiting for the wheels to fall off at anytime. I will check on line and we will chat if you're around my friend.
Peace my Friend,
Valarie
First sober 4th for me as well. July 6th will be 10 months for me. It seems just like yesterday....crazy that I was soo out of control. I am still waiting for the wheels to fall off at anytime. I will check on line and we will chat if you're around my friend.
Peace my Friend,
Valarie
Hi CB
Happy 4th of July!!!
I'm sorry you slipped off and about your friend. Hmmm I can really relate to this. I had to see my parents again over the weekend for my Mum's birthday. I knew I didn't want to say anything about my drinking problem, because it was her night you know - so I didn't want it to be about me.
so I just started off with water at dinner, then when our meals came I allowed the waiter to pour me half a glass of wine. I sort of had a tiny sip, just barely enough to taste - truthfully I didn't want it. Had no desire at all to drink that night. So I don't count it as drinking.
Then I just left the glass there and continued drinking water. So later when I'd moved to another seat to talk to my aunt and my H asked if there was any more white wine I said he could have mine cause I didn't want it.
Of course my Mum caught him pouring my wine into his glass and thought he was sneaking it. (we used to do that in our family as a joke to my dad who really takes a long time to sip a glass of wine, we'd try and sneak sips of his wine when he wasn't looking). So of course Mum's like "aha caught you out sneaking Imogen's wine." and my H says "no she said I could have it, she doesn't want it". Then my Mum at the top of her voice (well actually it was one of those moments when you say something and the whole table has sort of fallen silent so it comes out really loud). says "what's wrong with I______ not drinking all of a sudden, that's not like her."
I was so embarrassed. Anyway, later I found that it really rankled. Mainly because when I visited them a few weeks ago I'd told her I wasn't drinking cause it wasn't agreeing with me, and was interfering with her sleep. So why make a fuss now and in front of everyone? Of course she'd had a few wines herself. But its still making me upset. I know there's no way I can tell her about my alcoholism, not now and maybe not ever. I don't think she'd ever understand. My Dad would, but its not fair to tell him and ask him to keep a secret like that. So I feel real frustrated about that right now.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that I understand how hard, revealing vs not revealing is. I would pick and choose very carefully who you tell especially at this early stage, until you're a little more comfortable with yourself. It is hard when you have that kind of reaction from someone you hope would support you.
Love Idgie
Happy 4th of July!!!
I'm sorry you slipped off and about your friend. Hmmm I can really relate to this. I had to see my parents again over the weekend for my Mum's birthday. I knew I didn't want to say anything about my drinking problem, because it was her night you know - so I didn't want it to be about me.
so I just started off with water at dinner, then when our meals came I allowed the waiter to pour me half a glass of wine. I sort of had a tiny sip, just barely enough to taste - truthfully I didn't want it. Had no desire at all to drink that night. So I don't count it as drinking.
Then I just left the glass there and continued drinking water. So later when I'd moved to another seat to talk to my aunt and my H asked if there was any more white wine I said he could have mine cause I didn't want it.
Of course my Mum caught him pouring my wine into his glass and thought he was sneaking it. (we used to do that in our family as a joke to my dad who really takes a long time to sip a glass of wine, we'd try and sneak sips of his wine when he wasn't looking). So of course Mum's like "aha caught you out sneaking Imogen's wine." and my H says "no she said I could have it, she doesn't want it". Then my Mum at the top of her voice (well actually it was one of those moments when you say something and the whole table has sort of fallen silent so it comes out really loud). says "what's wrong with I______ not drinking all of a sudden, that's not like her."
I was so embarrassed. Anyway, later I found that it really rankled. Mainly because when I visited them a few weeks ago I'd told her I wasn't drinking cause it wasn't agreeing with me, and was interfering with her sleep. So why make a fuss now and in front of everyone? Of course she'd had a few wines herself. But its still making me upset. I know there's no way I can tell her about my alcoholism, not now and maybe not ever. I don't think she'd ever understand. My Dad would, but its not fair to tell him and ask him to keep a secret like that. So I feel real frustrated about that right now.
I guess what I'm trying to say with all this rambling is that I understand how hard, revealing vs not revealing is. I would pick and choose very carefully who you tell especially at this early stage, until you're a little more comfortable with yourself. It is hard when you have that kind of reaction from someone you hope would support you.
Love Idgie
Hey Idg, thanks for your reply. I couldn't imagine having to tell my parents about this (they're both long deceased), even the thought of telling my siblings makes me queasy... I'd guess maybe your mom is just so used to things being a certain way that it's hard to accept change? Especially if she's used to the two of you having a drink together when you visit. I wish you could feel comfortable telling your dad, especially since you think he'd understand, but I understand your not wanting to. Could be he'll figure it out on his own (or already has) & it'll be all unspoken and accepted... maybe?
I definitely picked the wrong friend to tell I think, I guess I told her b/c she's always been a drinker (she actually quit drinking for awhile after a particularly bad drunk but then planned a drinking "comeback") and part of me thought maybe she'd identify. And I think she did but not in the right way. I just so wanted to tell someone close to me, I feel close to many of my friends here on the boards but of course it's different. It's like a weight that's crushing me in a way, I want it off me! And while I was saying it it felt so good, like that weight was lifted, then it crashed back down when she started arguing with me about it. But thinking about it now I realize that I can't do anything about her feelings or reactions, I'm sad b/c I guess I have to distance myself from her for awhile at least, but if that helps me stay sober I'll have to take it, because I'm really tired of the way things have been. I hope you're having a great day Idgie, and everyone else too...much love from me...
I definitely picked the wrong friend to tell I think, I guess I told her b/c she's always been a drinker (she actually quit drinking for awhile after a particularly bad drunk but then planned a drinking "comeback") and part of me thought maybe she'd identify. And I think she did but not in the right way. I just so wanted to tell someone close to me, I feel close to many of my friends here on the boards but of course it's different. It's like a weight that's crushing me in a way, I want it off me! And while I was saying it it felt so good, like that weight was lifted, then it crashed back down when she started arguing with me about it. But thinking about it now I realize that I can't do anything about her feelings or reactions, I'm sad b/c I guess I have to distance myself from her for awhile at least, but if that helps me stay sober I'll have to take it, because I'm really tired of the way things have been. I hope you're having a great day Idgie, and everyone else too...much love from me...
Hey CB thaks for understanding. Yeah in some ways I think my Dad does realise, or realises that there's more than what I'm telling him. We did talk a bit about it when I was down there a few weeks ago, and I kinda hinted around the subject a bit and about why I wasn't drinking. And he told me about people he'd known who'd let their boozing get out of hand and wreck their life. so although neither of us came right out and said it, I think you're right he probably did read between the lines.
As for your friend, well maybe your confession hit a bit too close to home for her and that's why she freaked out like that.
I want to tell my best friend too, but don't think I should. I just don't think she'd behave the same round me. I think this is a problem with my Mum too, she'd be constantly worrying about should she mention drinking or should she drink around me. She'd worry herself to death - that's how she is. *sigh* its all so complicated isn't it?
As for your friend, well maybe your confession hit a bit too close to home for her and that's why she freaked out like that.
I want to tell my best friend too, but don't think I should. I just don't think she'd behave the same round me. I think this is a problem with my Mum too, she'd be constantly worrying about should she mention drinking or should she drink around me. She'd worry herself to death - that's how she is. *sigh* its all so complicated isn't it?
In my humble opinion, THE most important key to recovery is from 12stepper, above:
"Until I made my sobriety the most important thing in my life, I couldn't stay sober."
For so long, sobriety ranked anywhere from 2nd most important to 1 millionth. Until sobriety became the focus and foundation, nothing else was possible for me. I just didn't want that little bit of wisdom from 12stepper to be lost.
Brandon
Hey Ciaobella how's things?
My dad said the only reason i had a problem with booze was because my wife didn't get up and cook me breakfastLMAO he went to his grave never saying anything different that i knew of. All my big drinking friends are now people i just catch up with and some still think i didn't have a problem but they didn't see the suicide waiting to be sober enough inside my head. The friends that matter will either step forward or be found anew. In the long run if i hide the truth about myself for to long i start to believe the lie. I'm not saying hire a plane and advertise I'm saying pray for the moment to present itself and when it does be ready and remember what other people think of me is none of my buisness.
How much time, energy and sleepless nights did i spend worrying about other peoples thoughts in early recovery but they aren't really there thoughts they are MY fears in MY head and i gave them energy by giving them time in my head.
Hey Ciaobella today you are sober the same as everyone else who is doing this program one day at a time and before to long you will have a lot of one days adding up.
Light and love Zac
My dad said the only reason i had a problem with booze was because my wife didn't get up and cook me breakfastLMAO he went to his grave never saying anything different that i knew of. All my big drinking friends are now people i just catch up with and some still think i didn't have a problem but they didn't see the suicide waiting to be sober enough inside my head. The friends that matter will either step forward or be found anew. In the long run if i hide the truth about myself for to long i start to believe the lie. I'm not saying hire a plane and advertise I'm saying pray for the moment to present itself and when it does be ready and remember what other people think of me is none of my buisness.
How much time, energy and sleepless nights did i spend worrying about other peoples thoughts in early recovery but they aren't really there thoughts they are MY fears in MY head and i gave them energy by giving them time in my head.
Hey Ciaobella today you are sober the same as everyone else who is doing this program one day at a time and before to long you will have a lot of one days adding up.
Light and love Zac
Zac I know you're right (and LMAO about your dad, that's too funny), I think I worry so much sometimes about what others will think or say about it that I don't focus enough on myself and sobriety, even though I know I have zero control over other peoples feelings or thoughts. I have a couple of friends I think would stick it out but others that may have to fall by the wayside. But "que sera, sera," right? It's really out of my hands, the only thing in my hands is my sobriety & that's what I need to focus on. Though Idgie I know what you mean about your mom, I feel the same about my sister. She's taken it upon herself to "mother" me ever since our mom died (sis is much older) and she's constantly checking up on me even now, as we're 2000 miles apart. If I were to tell her I think it would make her worry even more. So that's a bridge I'll have to cross when I reach it I guess. I'm not ashamed but taking that leap is hard, for sure, and I think I need to be a little more grounded in sobriety before I can tell her.
I have to say though, I'm feeling great today, woke up refreshed & in a good mood, though I'm not looking forward to the mountain of laundry waiting for me to wash it, LOL. Sober & no hangover so thank god for that! Wishing a Happy Independence day to all my American friends, and a happy day in general to everyone...
I have to say though, I'm feeling great today, woke up refreshed & in a good mood, though I'm not looking forward to the mountain of laundry waiting for me to wash it, LOL. Sober & no hangover so thank god for that! Wishing a Happy Independence day to all my American friends, and a happy day in general to everyone...
