Beautiful Poison

Heroin
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This beautiful poison courses through your veins
Holds you, rocks you in your sleep
Caresses your hair, smiles with her eyes
She's always there for you, loves you

No-one could give you more than this
Feel her warmth, wrap her arms around you
Bathe in the sunshine of her laughter
Chase her as she teases you and runs

But as she turns to face you
See the needles in her eyes
She covers your eyes with her hands
Blocks out the light, the life

Let me release her fingers from you
Breathe new life, seal weeping wounds
With a kiss that will not turn against you
A heart that beats for yours
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Believer did you write that yourself? Its meaningfull and so true x
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Yeah I did. Wrote it the morning after driving my guy to get his fix. It's one of my coping strategies!
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dont take this wrong--i truly mean the best--do you think maybe hes counting on you too much to pick up the slack with his using? how would you feel if he had you take him and buy him a bag and it was too strong and he O'd ed--he should never ask you to do these things--but as addicts we do things our normal selves abhor. im sure it tears you both up--hell find a way there-and i know you want him with you and you cant stand the sight of him sick, and you worry about him when hes out using--but sweety-this is an all encompassing diseasefull time attention neede--you will only lose as long as he's using--ive been there--i met my x when i was 17 and fell hard he was 13 years older and a full fledged addict i got caught up in the life and soon was using with him-i wanted to experience "everything" about his life i loved him and still do love him-we cannot be together because of addiction but ive only come to this de3cision after 5 years of living on the streets shooting dope living in filth stealing lying cheating--almost started prostituting lost 2 childrenand alot of self respect--i never expected to get my life together--but god intervened and the only way i could get my heads out of my butt was after hed been locked up for 2 years and i was on my own now im clean and sober and im a single mother struggleing to make things right with me--its hard but a whole lot easier than it ever was when i was addicted to taking care of a man who didnt want to reciprocate that or couldnt reciprocate that--anyway-now maybe you seee why your story scares me i see myslef 7 years ago--im sure you smarter than i was but love is reallly crazy and the more you are around anything the more "normal " it becomes--please keep in touch--u can e-mail me @ amitywkcmo25@yahoo.com all my best wishes to you both and to your love
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You're right he shouldn't be asking me to do these things and I have found strength since coming to this site. I am beginning to set boundaries and learning to say no. It's really important to me that he actually has respect for me because if he doesn't then he can never love me, whether he's clean or not. But you're also right how things become normal. I am in no danger of ever using myself though. That is one thing I know. But I think I am very naive. These last few months have been a very steep learning curve and at least I can now see how I am being used (even though he swears he is not using me). Thank you for your support.

Maddy x
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I agree with Maddy,

I will never ever use and I can solumly swear that. I hate to see what is has done to him. I use this site so I learn as much as I can about heroin, read books which never have a happy endings and to be honest I know that the day is coming when this is all going to end. Whether it be him getting better which I doubt it, or me taking one things one step further to kick him to the curb and move on with my life because I am sick of putting myself through this toturuous life of hell and pain.

I wish he would come of heroin but then again I truly believe he is a danger to society when he is off this stuff. The anger comes out of him and he turns into a monster. Evertime I try to talk to him he ends up kicking off with me or someone else and he is just getting out of control.

I spent the night on the settee after hours of begging for me to keep him and I am sick of deciding to kick him to the curb but then not having the strength to carry it through. He always begs for my forgiveness...and yip I fall for it everytime. Even though deep down I dont want to, I just do it for an easy life....but then again nothing is easy lately.

Its so selfish to say but one thing good has come out of this because all the stress and worrying has made me lose weight and I am now under the weight I was before I had my daughter and am looking well again but I am constantly tired, I dont eat properly and I feel like I am being selfish.

I should have never allowed this to happen in the first place but...well "but" nothing!! No excuses I love him and thats that! Am a fool I know that but people make much worse decisions because they love someone.

Because I am not from his world so to speak, I havent been brought up like him, havent done the things he has done I will never truly understand him but then he never understands me and I have come to the conclusion that although we love each other things are never going to work out between us and some things are just not meant to be. We are from too very different worlds and we are just not compatible anymore.

I am tired of arguing, I am tired of using all my hope on him, and I tell myself everyweek, no more no more. As 6 months have gone by I am still no further forward. I see way too many stories like mine where the problem goes on for something like 10 years. I also tell myself that I am happy but you know what...I know deep down I am not and that I could be allot happier without this s**t on my back. I cant talk to anyone about it because nobody in my family knows and basically he has lost all his family through this. He has put them through this before and as soon as they knew he was using they made the decision of washing thier hands of him. Sometimes this makes him worse....well he uses it as an excuse to feel sorry for himself!!

I asked him last night...would you put up with this if it were the other way around and he answered my question just as I thought he would...the answer were NO!!

Why should I therefore do it for him!! I dont need to prove I love him, I dont need to pretend I am happy with him and to be honest I doubt everyday whether I am safe with him. I want to be with someone who can love and protect me and not talk to me like a piece of sh*t on his shoe when he aint had his gear!!

He has a new love now and this love is too strong for him to give up so I am going to let him go and let him learn for himself. Maybe one day he will realise what he has done but you know what...he can never repay me!!

I have wasited so much time and I am so young and have my whole life ahead of me. We cant turn back time, take away our mistakes but we can correct them and thats what my intentions are!!

Wish me luck!!

Lynds xx
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p.s Amity I thought your story was very touching and its sad the way allot of addicts end up because they give up everything for this addiction.

I also find you an inspiration because you gave up that life, got your life back on track and you know what...I bet you aint doing a bad job either.

Do you still love him truthfully??? Do you still wish that he could make things better? Get better himself???

When I first used this site someone told me "there is never a happy ending with heroin, if your partner of a heroin user you will either end of using yourself or leaving the heroin addict" and you know what whoever told me that was right...the aint ever any happy ending with heroin because if your a user/addict your always and addict, whether you like it or not and if your a partner of an addict, the truth is that your not really with your partner as they have a new love...HEROIN and nothing will compete with its charms.

I am turning so bitter because of all this in my life but one more good thing is the strength that I have gained. I stand up for myself more again and have found my voice to speak up when things arent as they seem.

Lynds xx
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Wow. You sound so bitter yet so mature and kinda serene. I guess making a decision to leave an addict is the biggest thing you can do. I'm not there yet even though he tries to tell me I should. Like you, we are from very different backgrounds and I sometimes look at myself from the outside and wonder how I ended up here. But I have a deep sadness because I believe you may be right when you say that an addict can never return our love in the way we need or wish. I don't know. I still have hope in my heart, not that I can change or cure him, that's not what it's about, just that we could have a future. I'm probably deluding myself. But if I leave, what then? My feelings won't stop, I won't stop loving him. Some good things have come out of this for me too. I have also lost lots of weight and feel great. And I have come to the decision that I have a new career ahead of me. I am going to train as a cousellor. There are ways of helping those in need without tearing yourself apart.

I wish you peace and contentment, however you may find it.

Maddy x
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Maddy,

How long have you been with this guy? I have only been with my guy for 3 years and the addiction has only been for the last 5 months or so but it feels lie an eternity.

I was previously with an achoholic so I have seen before that there is not normally ever a happy ending. He treat me badly, lied to me and mentally messed with my head. I hate him for that and I vouched that I would never let anyone do this to me again. I kept my gaurd up for a very long time but eventually I fell for Kevin, let my gaurd down and look what happened.

Dont get me wrong I love him more than I have ever loved anyone and would love to say that we had a future together but its looking pretty bleak right now.

We had a talk this morning and he has agreed to move out. I dont whether he will or not but I just hope I am not here when he does because believe me it will break my heart. Its so hard because I know how much my daughter loves him and I also know that he would move far far away to start again, well kind of because he has said he will go back to his old ways, get into trouble and then go to jail to sort himself out and then he will come back. I dont want that. Why does he have to go to jail to sort himself out. Thats where he has done it previously...I mean getting of the gear. He has had a problem twice before.

How did you come to taking the gear yourself and how long were you addicted and finally how did you get yourself clean?

I am thinking of trying to go to see his drugs worker and doctor to explain to them that he has talked about hurting himself along with other people and sometimes could be a danger to me and maybe just maybe they will book him into rehab or somewhere. Truth is I think he had a breakdown prior to the addiction and now his head is totally mashed. One thing I loved about him before was that he was so strong in body and in mind and was so mature and sensible and wasnt afraid to earn a few quid. There has never been an issue with money because he always knew how to earn it, on the right side of the law too!!

Anyway I hope that one day you get things back together and feel happier.

I am not sure what the turn out will be here but I will just have to wait and see. Do you go with your head or your heart???

Lynds xx
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wow--bunny hunny, you are so sweet--you made me weep a little--and YES i would be with him if i was possible--in a split second--i love him still very deeply--but the only way we could be together is if i give up on living myself-he is needy in too many ways,he wanted that caretaker, and i was perfect. Now that i care about me he doenst want to stand a chance, but if i thought there was anyway to have a relationship i would in a heartbeat. But trust me (you too believer) there is no way to do it-if they go to rehab and get into a 12 step program then it may work after like a year. I tried it every other way-and i cried and huryt for way too long i still dont know who i am. I thak you so much for giving me such positive feedback it helps to hear those things-being in recovery especially in a transitional house my negatives are brought up y others much much more than my positives--and thats ok too--im growing by leaps and bounds but its painfull sometimes. i challenge both of you to LOVE YOU more than him--even if you stay together thatll help emmensly. And bunny--you sound like you are really seeing the truth of your spot, good job--i dont know if they have alanon in your are but it could really help it basically aa or na for the family and loved ones of addicted people itll teach you how to execute those boundaries and give you a support group to talk to--its worth a try-call you local aa chapter and ask them they usually hold the meetings at the same location it cannot hurt-good luck--heres my e-mail again--amitywkcmo25@yahoo.com--

ps.what a setee????
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Sorry to but in ladies..but just saw Amitys Q...a seetee..is a couch basically...these things do need explaining sumtimes.ATB.....Davey
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lol Amity...you made me giggle when you asked what a settee was. Thanks Davey for clarifying that! lol

You do want to be proud of yourself because you have done so well and speak such strong words.

As for loving myself..well lets just say I have grown so much confidence over the past month or two which has helped me so much because I know that I can do so much better than the horrid life I am living and I also know that allot of people love and respect me. People are always telling me what a nice person I am and how pretty I am..I dont take compliments too well but that doesnt mean that I dont believe them always.

One thing that I can take away from all this is that I have grown up so so much. Sometimes my Mam says that I have grown up too fast because I am only 24 yet speak words of a 44 year old sometimes.

I dont think personally you can ever grow up too much because you spend all your life learning and growing up more and more. Learning from mistakes.

Anyhow I have emailed your addy but just incase it dont go heres mine too lyndsayg425@hotmail.co.uk

Its good to speak to someone who knows how I am feeling and I look up to you for where you have come!

Thanks for your advise. Best wishes xxx

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I got 13 years on you Bunny but you sure do sound older than 24! These things make us wise beyond our years I guess. Wasn't sure if you were asking me bout my using, I'm not an addict. We've only been together a few months. He was on the subbies when we met then relapsed and is trying to get back off it. We kinda split just before he relapsed, he pushed me away because he thought it was the right thing for me, but I can be stubborn sometimes and offered him my friendship. So now we're in this limbo-land, kinda like a couple yet not. We don't live together anyway. It kinda gives me a little distance, and it keeps my kids away from it all.

Amity you should be so proud of yourself. Not only are you taking control of your life and making it yours, you even got time to give us advice and time. You are a truly special person. And yes you're right about us needing to see ourselves as the most important person. I have come to see that through this site and feel stronger. I feel that by giving myself the power to do what's right for me, I'm actually better able to help him.

Maddy x
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You guys.........all are so good to eachother......understanding.

This board works.
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I so feel for you guys, being in such a crappy situation. I was in a similar one with my ex. We'd been together for 7 years, and he got me into hard drugs, but I don't blame him for that - we're all responsible for our own lives. But eventually I got to the point where I'd had enough and wanted to get away from it all, but he didn't. I tried a long time to make it work but it just didn't. Eventually I left, and it was heart breaking. Especially when I was moving my stuff out, taking pictures off the walls etc. It was so hard, but I had to get into this headspace where I knew I wasn't going to sacrifice myself for him. I needed to live, and he was killing me. It was that simple. I wrote this poem about the break up. It was such a hard thing to do.

"It's Over"

"I'm leaving you" - the words I said
No more nights spent in our bed
The mattress moulded to our shape
The love made there I now forsake

Your toothbrush standing all forlorn
A visual wound of lives now torn
Gaps appearing on the wall
Silence when my name you call

Our possessions we now split apart
Photo's, records, a broken heart
Shared memories we must now divide
The laughs we had, the tears we cried

The book we wrote will not be read
I fought, I failed, I tried, I bled
The final act, this play is finished
Love stood tall, but life diminished



love

Diff xxx
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Jeez I just did my make-up to go to work and now it's running down my face! That captures pain I've felt before. Wow

Maddy x
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It's strange, the thing that really made me break down and sob was taking the damned toothbrush! In the end I couldn't do it - I just left it where it was coz I couldn't stand the symbolism. That and the pictures. We'd bought these prints from an artist when we were on holiday in south africa, one represented gemini, for me and one sagitarrious, for him. Where ever we'd lived, the prints hung side by side, and to see his, just hanging there all alone, it just felt like I was removing half his life.

You know the really weird thing, his birthday was on the winter solstice, Dec 21st. A few months after we broke up, I met my current boyfriend, the father of my little girl, and his birthday is also the winter solstice. Figure that, choosing two men who had the same damned birthday... freaky!

I gotta say, although I have no regrets about leaving, coz it was the right thing to do for me, he never really got over it. He's in real bad shape now. I still go and see him from time to time, but his head is totally shot, and I mean completely AWOL. But he made his choices, and he has to live with them, or not, as the case may be. I am not, nor ever was, responsible for his life. I felt really guilty for a while, but I more than paid my dues as far as he is concerned. I gave more than I ever should have done. I carried that man a long time on my shoulders, and it damned near killed me.

At some point, it ends up as you or him. I could only see misery waiting for me if I stayed, and I had too much living I wanted to do. I really wanted to have kids, and just couldn't see it ever being right to bring a child into a situation like that. I didn't want to have his children, and I didn't want to be his mother, which is the way things were panning out.

Keep your chin up!

love

Diff xxx
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We're gemini and sagittarius too...
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Gemini and Sagittarius are direct opposites - not deemed to be compatible, but ya know what they say about opposites attracting...