Hi all
First of all let me say that in no way, shape or form am I saying I'm not an addict. I am an addict, no doubt in my mind. Right to the bone type thing.
Ok, here's my thing...lately sitting at the meetings (which I love..the ppl ..the stories) and wonder to myself "Do I really belong here?" No, not because I think I"m better then them, No, not because I don't think I have a problem. It just that I listen to their struggles, working the steps etc and think wow, its like what do I have to offer??? I haven't spoken in over a week at a meeting.
I know I'll get crap for this post but I promised you full honesty and thats all I've ever been here is honest, hard or not :-) The only ones I have to make amends to--I have. The only ones I hurt with my addiction other then myself is my kids and a few friends I've pushed away. The friends are back in my life and my kids have forgiven me for being a substandard mother (in my eyes..to them I was always a good mom) I'm just struggling with the meaning of some of the steps.
I'm just confused. 6 1/2 days/7 I"m great. Really feeling good and positive. Doing things I haven't done in yrs. Just all around enjoying life. That 1/2 day comes and I get thinking about things like this. It may not seem like it because i tend to share the bad things going on and not the great things.
If I don't do the steps am I doomed not to succeed? The first step, I work on every day.
Hilary
Hi Hilary,
I am not an addict, but have myself a 'qualifier' kid and that has given me quite an education on addiction and recovery. All I want to offer here is something my daughter said about the steps, the work, and how they related to her recovery.
I noticed that this time around she really seemed kind of different...calmer, more centered, more purposeful, less edgy and judgmental...so I asked why...what was different. (I would say I maybe even asked a little sarcastically after having been told 100 times "It'll be different this time.") She answered that this time she was doing the work and seeing it through, not just going to meetings, but really finally saying, "Okay I tried itmy way 5,6,7 times and always ended up the same...this time I'll try it their way...what the heck." Someone told me on Sunday she even looks different...I said that's because she's pregnant ;-) and my friend said, no, that was not it, it was something that was radiating from inside her eyes, a feeling she was giving off.
So there you have my two cents, for what it's worth. You have some pretty awesome 12 steppers here...people who really know their stuff.
Peace ~ MomNMore
I am not an addict, but have myself a 'qualifier' kid and that has given me quite an education on addiction and recovery. All I want to offer here is something my daughter said about the steps, the work, and how they related to her recovery.
I noticed that this time around she really seemed kind of different...calmer, more centered, more purposeful, less edgy and judgmental...so I asked why...what was different. (I would say I maybe even asked a little sarcastically after having been told 100 times "It'll be different this time.") She answered that this time she was doing the work and seeing it through, not just going to meetings, but really finally saying, "Okay I tried itmy way 5,6,7 times and always ended up the same...this time I'll try it their way...what the heck." Someone told me on Sunday she even looks different...I said that's because she's pregnant ;-) and my friend said, no, that was not it, it was something that was radiating from inside her eyes, a feeling she was giving off.
So there you have my two cents, for what it's worth. You have some pretty awesome 12 steppers here...people who really know their stuff.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Hey Froggy, sounds pretty much like the standard fare for approaching 90 days. We are only as sick as our secrets, kiddo.
If you are an addict, your choice is to stay clean by will power or to seek a solution to be freed from the obsession to use. No obsession at the moment? Don't worry, it is is hiding just out of sight doing push ups.
Froggy, you need a sponsor to work the steps. You have come far and there are many here and in the rooms who care about you. Like it or not, you are one of us. Why not give the steps and a sponsor a try?
Hang in there--don't use even if yer arse falls off.
If you are an addict, your choice is to stay clean by will power or to seek a solution to be freed from the obsession to use. No obsession at the moment? Don't worry, it is is hiding just out of sight doing push ups.
Froggy, you need a sponsor to work the steps. You have come far and there are many here and in the rooms who care about you. Like it or not, you are one of us. Why not give the steps and a sponsor a try?
Hang in there--don't use even if yer arse falls off.
Hey there, Froggy....
First off, nobody should give you any crap about what you're feeling...what we feel is what we feel, that simple and questioning those feelings is what helped me learn & grow in recovery so please keep posting from the heart, that's where the honesty comes from.
If I don't do the steps am I doomed not to succeed?
What I found for me, though, was after the pink cloud phase passed and I had been going to meetings for about 4 months or so, behaviors/defects started surfacing that I didn't like, I was getting that restless, irritable, discontented feelings when I was out in the world. I was going to meetings faithfully but was losing that "connection" and there were days when I had the same thoughts as you, I can do this on my own, I don't need to work the steps with a sponsor but I was blessed by my HP putting my BFF in my life and she urged me to find a sponsor who would take me through the steps so I could continue not only to stay clean & sober but I could look at my part in things so I wouldn't keep repeating the cycles I lived in my whole life, then I got to look at those defense mechanisms that used to protect me that now were hurting me & others and along with that came the proper amends to others and to society.....See, once I went through the process, one step at a time, being guided by a wonderful sponsor, my whole outlook on life changed, completely changed and if you knew me, you'd understand I classify it nothing less than a miracle. (I was a whiner and a victim, full of fear)>
I was also told that after going through the steps, I'd have this HP who I would continually have a connection with and would guide me through all of life's ups and downs, and I'd never feel alone again and then my purpose was to reach out and help others to freely give away what was so freely given to me and in doing that, I am a part of the universe today. I have a gift to give and in doing so I receive and life just keeps getting better and better, I'm living the life I always wanted and dreamed of......
I've followed your story and maybe you're what is considered a "high" bottom addict? Maybe you've been blessed to get off the "elevator" before hitting the bottom but all those stories that are so much worse than yours in the rooms are what we call the "Yets"....Myself, I personally did not want to go back out and try it again and hit some or all of those yets so I did what was suggested and got a sponsor and worked the steps and let the process happen. I quit drinking back in '97, did about 6 weeks of AA, never got a sponsor, never worked the steps the proper way, thought I was cured and lasted about 11 months clean & sober before I picked up a pill for anxiety and I was off on a run to become a full blown junkie in less than a few years.....
So, now after my long ramble, what's holding you back from getting a sponsor? From going through the steps? What's it going to hurt, anyway?
Smooches~
Stacey
ps....Mom, i loved your share about R, we call that the light going on and her spirit is radiating. Someday I'd love to meet her. xoxo
First off, nobody should give you any crap about what you're feeling...what we feel is what we feel, that simple and questioning those feelings is what helped me learn & grow in recovery so please keep posting from the heart, that's where the honesty comes from.
If I don't do the steps am I doomed not to succeed?
What I found for me, though, was after the pink cloud phase passed and I had been going to meetings for about 4 months or so, behaviors/defects started surfacing that I didn't like, I was getting that restless, irritable, discontented feelings when I was out in the world. I was going to meetings faithfully but was losing that "connection" and there were days when I had the same thoughts as you, I can do this on my own, I don't need to work the steps with a sponsor but I was blessed by my HP putting my BFF in my life and she urged me to find a sponsor who would take me through the steps so I could continue not only to stay clean & sober but I could look at my part in things so I wouldn't keep repeating the cycles I lived in my whole life, then I got to look at those defense mechanisms that used to protect me that now were hurting me & others and along with that came the proper amends to others and to society.....See, once I went through the process, one step at a time, being guided by a wonderful sponsor, my whole outlook on life changed, completely changed and if you knew me, you'd understand I classify it nothing less than a miracle. (I was a whiner and a victim, full of fear)>
I was also told that after going through the steps, I'd have this HP who I would continually have a connection with and would guide me through all of life's ups and downs, and I'd never feel alone again and then my purpose was to reach out and help others to freely give away what was so freely given to me and in doing that, I am a part of the universe today. I have a gift to give and in doing so I receive and life just keeps getting better and better, I'm living the life I always wanted and dreamed of......
I've followed your story and maybe you're what is considered a "high" bottom addict? Maybe you've been blessed to get off the "elevator" before hitting the bottom but all those stories that are so much worse than yours in the rooms are what we call the "Yets"....Myself, I personally did not want to go back out and try it again and hit some or all of those yets so I did what was suggested and got a sponsor and worked the steps and let the process happen. I quit drinking back in '97, did about 6 weeks of AA, never got a sponsor, never worked the steps the proper way, thought I was cured and lasted about 11 months clean & sober before I picked up a pill for anxiety and I was off on a run to become a full blown junkie in less than a few years.....
So, now after my long ramble, what's holding you back from getting a sponsor? From going through the steps? What's it going to hurt, anyway?
Smooches~
Stacey
ps....Mom, i loved your share about R, we call that the light going on and her spirit is radiating. Someday I'd love to meet her. xoxo
And you know what, Stacey? I always knew she had a beautiful spirit, but now it shows all over her and other people see it, too...it works if you work it, right?
I would love for you two to meet...
I would love for you two to meet...
Hillary-First of all thanks for your honesty.There is never a reason to feel judged
because you're having trepidations or questions that I think we all have had at one time.
This board alone can't be your sponsor.I will admit that there is some great sobriety and encouargement that occurs here.I've seen it between you and August as an example.I've used many people on here as kind of a sposor like fashion but it still and never will replace the relationship I have with James.
I think Kat,Lisa and Stacey have helped me tremendously when I've had some turmoil going on and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you're at a place to start working on the steps.That can only be done with a sponsor.Reading about it is not a replacement.That's more or less intellectualizing the process and when it's time to do a 4th and 5th step you're going to need another woman who has worked the steps to guide you through.
I'll guarantee you may think at this point there are very few amends you need to make or you really weren't that bad,never created any disastrous faux pas,or most people didn't even know you were using but that all will change when you start writing and get together with another addict you won't be able to bulls***.
Also,enjoy the pink cloud you're on.In the meantine I would seriously start looking aound for a woman.Pay attention in meetings and find someone who walks the talk.
Good luck on your journey.You are making progress.
because you're having trepidations or questions that I think we all have had at one time.
This board alone can't be your sponsor.I will admit that there is some great sobriety and encouargement that occurs here.I've seen it between you and August as an example.I've used many people on here as kind of a sposor like fashion but it still and never will replace the relationship I have with James.
I think Kat,Lisa and Stacey have helped me tremendously when I've had some turmoil going on and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you're at a place to start working on the steps.That can only be done with a sponsor.Reading about it is not a replacement.That's more or less intellectualizing the process and when it's time to do a 4th and 5th step you're going to need another woman who has worked the steps to guide you through.
I'll guarantee you may think at this point there are very few amends you need to make or you really weren't that bad,never created any disastrous faux pas,or most people didn't even know you were using but that all will change when you start writing and get together with another addict you won't be able to bulls***.
Also,enjoy the pink cloud you're on.In the meantine I would seriously start looking aound for a woman.Pay attention in meetings and find someone who walks the talk.
Good luck on your journey.You are making progress.
Good morning
There is this one woman I met, unfortunately only once. I really connected with her and plan on asking her. The meetings here are about 95% men and the women that go to the meetings regularly have less then a year. Of course some the men have asked me if I've worked on the 13th step!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH like I need to go there!!!!!! *although at first when I was asked this I honestly thought I had missed something...blonde moment ok??? lol
I have 81 days today and am feeling physically awesome and like I said earlier in general emotionally well. I know what I am feeling is normal, questioning things.
Things seemed clearer yesterday. I talked to a good friend from my meetings and found out they felt the same way and now has 2 yrs clean.
Happy Easter all
There is this one woman I met, unfortunately only once. I really connected with her and plan on asking her. The meetings here are about 95% men and the women that go to the meetings regularly have less then a year. Of course some the men have asked me if I've worked on the 13th step!!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHH like I need to go there!!!!!! *although at first when I was asked this I honestly thought I had missed something...blonde moment ok??? lol
I have 81 days today and am feeling physically awesome and like I said earlier in general emotionally well. I know what I am feeling is normal, questioning things.
Things seemed clearer yesterday. I talked to a good friend from my meetings and found out they felt the same way and now has 2 yrs clean.
Happy Easter all
Everybody's different Hilary, so all we can do is share what works for us, but we all have a common thread...we are addicts and that makes us all the same.
Your honesty is so refreshing. It's that kind of stuff that's going to keep you clean and save your a**.
Are there any women only groups? You might have to drive a bit out of your area but that might be a good place to look for a sponsor. Doesn't mean you have to keep going to that meeting all the time but at least you can get phone numbers and connect.
Will you fail if you don't work the steps? I did, over and over and over until I surrendered and did what was suggested. But that's just me.
Your honesty is so refreshing. It's that kind of stuff that's going to keep you clean and save your a**.
Are there any women only groups? You might have to drive a bit out of your area but that might be a good place to look for a sponsor. Doesn't mean you have to keep going to that meeting all the time but at least you can get phone numbers and connect.
Will you fail if you don't work the steps? I did, over and over and over until I surrendered and did what was suggested. But that's just me.
Hiya Froggy -
Failed recovery is responding to present-day situations with yesterday's emotional package, which you used back when the situation was totally different. Serenity or living in a state of recovery is all about letting yesterday be yesterday and today be today. Recovery is training ourselves by practicing daily disciplines to act in the present, as the present and not from the emotional stance of a thousand past yesterdays.
Will you fail if you do not work the steps? That is impossible for me to say. I've known many addicts who have gone on to live a happy, joyous, and free life without benefit of the 12 steps. If this is the path you decide to take, I think it may be prudent to enlist the aid of an addiction counselor who can help learn one on one or in a group how to practice dialy disciplines in order to act in the present and not slip back into past stinkin' thinkin' and behavior.
For me, I needed some Good Orderly Direction when embracing recovery. My life had been so out of bounds for years and I did not know where to start. I found that by working the suggested steps (with a sponsor) of the 12 step program. I also fought that suggestion for many 24 hours before I embraced it.
You belong sweetheart to this magnificient society of all people and are oh so worthwhile of living life on life's terms without benefit of drugs. Like all things of worth, most of the times we have to work for it.
Hugs and tons of encouragement to you ~
Sammy
Failed recovery is responding to present-day situations with yesterday's emotional package, which you used back when the situation was totally different. Serenity or living in a state of recovery is all about letting yesterday be yesterday and today be today. Recovery is training ourselves by practicing daily disciplines to act in the present, as the present and not from the emotional stance of a thousand past yesterdays.
Will you fail if you do not work the steps? That is impossible for me to say. I've known many addicts who have gone on to live a happy, joyous, and free life without benefit of the 12 steps. If this is the path you decide to take, I think it may be prudent to enlist the aid of an addiction counselor who can help learn one on one or in a group how to practice dialy disciplines in order to act in the present and not slip back into past stinkin' thinkin' and behavior.
For me, I needed some Good Orderly Direction when embracing recovery. My life had been so out of bounds for years and I did not know where to start. I found that by working the suggested steps (with a sponsor) of the 12 step program. I also fought that suggestion for many 24 hours before I embraced it.
You belong sweetheart to this magnificient society of all people and are oh so worthwhile of living life on life's terms without benefit of drugs. Like all things of worth, most of the times we have to work for it.
Hugs and tons of encouragement to you ~
Sammy
Hey Froggy,
Great stuff as usual.
I have been off line all week working on a Holy week journey, if you will, with some friends . We used this as our center for discussion, prayer and meditation.
Great week. Kinda back to the basics strip away the old wax and put on a new shine stuff.
This is the how and the why of it.-----> (Isn't that what we are asking ourselves).
First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work----> (This is really tough for me, not thinking I'm God. But at the same time fighting through all the millions of voices in my head that tell me what to do.) For me and just for me I will use the Bible, AA and NA literature and my new co-workers, when looking for the answer to how to perform my new role.
Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children----->( So if I understand this, I am now obedient to something other than me. I no longer call the shots. I no longer proceed in the manner in which I decide. I am herby saying and committing to myself that before I proceed with a direction in my life I will do as instructed by God. I will seek out this direction, I will follow this direction to the best of my ability, irregardless if I think it is right, or feel that it is right. I may fight it, I may complain about it, I may be scared, I may feel like a sucker, I may feel like an overworked, underpaid guy, or I may feel like I am getting things I don't deserve, either hardships or blessings. But beyond all I will do as instructed. I will serve.)
Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.---> (Once I take the job, I am now new. I am on a new pay scale. I have new responsibilities. And even though absolutely nothing has change outside of me. I still have the same wife, kids, job, house, health problems or concerns, fears, angst, joys
My new job is to serve God, to bring his will into every situation. I work for him now. He is my boss. So far I have found he wants me to serve, to love, to forgive, to not judge and to pray.
If I step out of my role, well I get what I get. Of course since I have a new boss he might change my role, he may assign me a new job, one of which I do possess the skill set for, it just I'm not aware of it.)
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.---> (So far and well I have only been working here a week, it's a really cool place to work and I have not NEEDED anything. All has been provided.)
Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.----> Indeed.
As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.--.TRUTH. This not not theory, this is not imagination in my life. I HAVE BEEN REBORN.
We were now at Step Three.---(again).This is so awesome, it appears my new boss just told me we got more work, it seems unemployment, off days, vaction days or sick days are not part of my new gig.
We never run out of work, and just as confounding well we never run out of the strength to do the work, or the desire to do the work.
Oh and by the way He is hiring.
Happy Easter.
Love
Great stuff as usual.
I have been off line all week working on a Holy week journey, if you will, with some friends . We used this as our center for discussion, prayer and meditation.
Great week. Kinda back to the basics strip away the old wax and put on a new shine stuff.
This is the how and the why of it.-----> (Isn't that what we are asking ourselves).
First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn't work----> (This is really tough for me, not thinking I'm God. But at the same time fighting through all the millions of voices in my head that tell me what to do.) For me and just for me I will use the Bible, AA and NA literature and my new co-workers, when looking for the answer to how to perform my new role.
Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children----->( So if I understand this, I am now obedient to something other than me. I no longer call the shots. I no longer proceed in the manner in which I decide. I am herby saying and committing to myself that before I proceed with a direction in my life I will do as instructed by God. I will seek out this direction, I will follow this direction to the best of my ability, irregardless if I think it is right, or feel that it is right. I may fight it, I may complain about it, I may be scared, I may feel like a sucker, I may feel like an overworked, underpaid guy, or I may feel like I am getting things I don't deserve, either hardships or blessings. But beyond all I will do as instructed. I will serve.)
Most Good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom.---> (Once I take the job, I am now new. I am on a new pay scale. I have new responsibilities. And even though absolutely nothing has change outside of me. I still have the same wife, kids, job, house, health problems or concerns, fears, angst, joys
My new job is to serve God, to bring his will into every situation. I work for him now. He is my boss. So far I have found he wants me to serve, to love, to forgive, to not judge and to pray.
If I step out of my role, well I get what I get. Of course since I have a new boss he might change my role, he may assign me a new job, one of which I do possess the skill set for, it just I'm not aware of it.)
When we sincerely took such a position, all sorts of remarkable things followed. We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.---> (So far and well I have only been working here a week, it's a really cool place to work and I have not NEEDED anything. All has been provided.)
Established on such a footing we became less and less interested in ourselves, our own little plans and designs. More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.----> Indeed.
As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind, as we discovered we could face life successfully, as we became conscious of His presence, we began to lose our fear of today, tomorrow or the hereafter. We were reborn.--.TRUTH. This not not theory, this is not imagination in my life. I HAVE BEEN REBORN.
We were now at Step Three.---(again).This is so awesome, it appears my new boss just told me we got more work, it seems unemployment, off days, vaction days or sick days are not part of my new gig.
We never run out of work, and just as confounding well we never run out of the strength to do the work, or the desire to do the work.
Oh and by the way He is hiring.
Happy Easter.
Love
Hillary-I was going to ask what Lisa did.Are there any women NA or AA meetings around? Another suggestion is just to get a temporary sponsor until you can find a permenant one.
you make me smile Dead :-)
Hey Tim..unfortunately in my city there isn't a womans group. I'd love to go if there was.
H
Hey Tim..unfortunately in my city there isn't a womans group. I'd love to go if there was.
H
How far is the next city where there might be one? ;)
We went to great lengths and many miles to get our drugs, shouldn't we go just as far to get our recovery?
Drive baby, drive.
We went to great lengths and many miles to get our drugs, shouldn't we go just as far to get our recovery?
Drive baby, drive.