hi. this is my first time posting. My bf of 2.5 years just went inpatient for painkillers and heroine. i kicked him out of our apartment about 5-6 months ago, and he said since then he got much worse. However, our entire relationship was plagued with nonstop lying on his part, i constantly caught him getting messed up. There was about an 8 month period where he started doing tons of coke about 3 nights a week. And no matter what i said or did or how much i fought against him going to get it he would just pick it up anyways and do it at the apartment. But i stayed and kept making up excuses and what not. So now we've been broken up since about june/july only seeing each other here or there but talking on the phone a lot and fighting about being broken up, and he would just call and cry and cry and cry. I always feel bad bc he was always so upset about everything. Now he's in rehab for a month and he wants to move back into the apartment when he gets back. And i feel like I'm being backed into a wall. i don't want to be mean to him and mess anything up for him, but i also dont trust him at all and i really don't know if i can handle him moving back in here straight out of rehab. i feel like that is such a delicate time and i honestly don't know if i can handle him relapsing, or just generally not trusting him at all. When we were dating and even while we had been broken up i was always so overwhelmed and nervous and just emotionally and mentally drained. I was constantly sick and depressed. It was just terrible. But when i tell him how i feel and that I'm nervous to let him back in and that i don't know what i want to do yet he starts freaking out and saying that he needs me and that he can't do it with out me. I don't want to be the cause of him coming back and using, but i also don't want to just hand my life over. Im 26 years old, and I'm really excited about becoming a wife, and a mother. Please help me. i don't know what to do.
You can't get him straight and you can't mess him up (any more than he is)
If you aren't married and there are no children the get out NOW.
If there are children get out anyway.
I strongly suggest you look in your phone book for your local Nar-Anon and Al-Anon groups. They are for friends & family of alcoholic/addicts. They will help you make good decisions.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
If you aren't married and there are no children the get out NOW.
If there are children get out anyway.
I strongly suggest you look in your phone book for your local Nar-Anon and Al-Anon groups. They are for friends & family of alcoholic/addicts. They will help you make good decisions.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
please listen to papa bear - end the relationship now- DO NOT let him move back in with you- you will never trust him- you will never be happy- i think you know that already !!!!!! - addicts like myself, and your bf, when using, always put our drug/drink first - thats what we do-you cannot help him- only he can help himself- he will sink or swim regardless of whether you are there or not - do you want to spend your life worrying if/when he will relapse- wondering if he is lying to you? tell him NO and stick to it- we have seen first hand the carnage that addiction leaves in its wake , you dont want to be in that life - sorry -
Hey Now,
Taking Care of yourself, is a great place to start, I get a kick outta the GET OUT NOW, advice..yikes , LOVE endures all things..
Now if LOVE is the core, the reason, the purpose for your relationship, I would offer completely different ADVICE, then GET OUT NOW..
I am alive today, and CLEAN, and In LOVE..have been for over 5 years, PEOPLE CHANGE.
IF YOU LOVE HIM, AND HE LOVES YOU, AND YOU BOTH LOVE, LOVE..YOU WILL FIND A WAY, A PATH WILL UNFOLD, YOU WILL ENDURE..
IF ITS ABOUT SELF...YOU WON'T. PRETTY SIMPLE
LOVE
Taking Care of yourself, is a great place to start, I get a kick outta the GET OUT NOW, advice..yikes , LOVE endures all things..
Now if LOVE is the core, the reason, the purpose for your relationship, I would offer completely different ADVICE, then GET OUT NOW..
I am alive today, and CLEAN, and In LOVE..have been for over 5 years, PEOPLE CHANGE.
IF YOU LOVE HIM, AND HE LOVES YOU, AND YOU BOTH LOVE, LOVE..YOU WILL FIND A WAY, A PATH WILL UNFOLD, YOU WILL ENDURE..
IF ITS ABOUT SELF...YOU WON'T. PRETTY SIMPLE
LOVE
Hi, megumicoop
I am in the same boat as you...my partner just entered inpatient for 30 days 4 days ago. I am caught in the same limbo as you. I feel peace of mind with him being there because I am not worried, miserable, fighting, watching my back, waiting for the phone call he's OD'd. Then there is the "what happens next". Half way house? looking for signs that the 30 days actually did some good?
I also hear part of me saying, run-run now. There is another part saying to sit and watch what happens, but dont let him back in the house-watch from a distance.
All I can do right now is do what i need to do for me. If i dont want to pick up the phone during his call time, I dont pick up. If I want to pick up, i do. I feel what I want to feel and dont feel an ounce of guilt. I wrote a "burn letter" to him and his addict personality today. I plan to burn it tonight. Its pretty raw, but that the point.
I also fear I would be living in fear waiting for the next relapse.....
I am in the same boat as you...my partner just entered inpatient for 30 days 4 days ago. I am caught in the same limbo as you. I feel peace of mind with him being there because I am not worried, miserable, fighting, watching my back, waiting for the phone call he's OD'd. Then there is the "what happens next". Half way house? looking for signs that the 30 days actually did some good?
I also hear part of me saying, run-run now. There is another part saying to sit and watch what happens, but dont let him back in the house-watch from a distance.
All I can do right now is do what i need to do for me. If i dont want to pick up the phone during his call time, I dont pick up. If I want to pick up, i do. I feel what I want to feel and dont feel an ounce of guilt. I wrote a "burn letter" to him and his addict personality today. I plan to burn it tonight. Its pretty raw, but that the point.
I also fear I would be living in fear waiting for the next relapse.....
I told him last night i wasn't ready for him to move back into the apartment.. I hated upsetting him when i know he needs me but i also know there would never be a good time for me to say that. I love him with all my heart, but when I'm directly involved with him he consumes me and it makes me totally worn out and miserable. I know love is at the core for both of us, but i think i just need time. I am so mad at him for so many different things. Part of me hates him, part of me loves him. Mostly I'm so scared that something will happen to him. In regards to him relapsing i almost feel like it will happen. i don't hear the seniority in his voice, or in the things he says.
For the person who's bf just went inpatient, do you think you will let him move back in? How much of his recovery are you willing to be involved in? What point do you think your helping, and when does it become enabling?
For the person who's bf just went inpatient, do you think you will let him move back in? How much of his recovery are you willing to be involved in? What point do you think your helping, and when does it become enabling?
Why are you making his addiction your problem? You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. You should not have to anticipate taking on any responsibility for his sobriety.
Thirty days in rehab is only the beginning. In fact, that barely gives the addict time to get the drugs out of the system. The real work begins when they leave rehab. Unless they are committed to doing the hard work of changing their thinking patterns through counseling, out-patient treatment, or working a 12 step program, then it often doesn't have a good outcome.
Too many people leave rehab and go right back into the same living situation in which they relapsed time and time again. Doing the same things gets you the same results.
He can choose to go to a sober-living house instead of going back to your home. You can keep some distance between him and his problem. Also, you can see how committed he is to change.
You don't want to end up right back where you started with him and his addiction. This is not fair to you. Don't end up as his caretaker. This accomplishes nothing other than make it easy for him to relapse.
Again, don't be so quick to accept responsibility for his problem. He doesn't need you to keep him sheltered and fed. He is an adult, and it is on him to make his life work in a more positive direction.
Thirty days in rehab is only the beginning. In fact, that barely gives the addict time to get the drugs out of the system. The real work begins when they leave rehab. Unless they are committed to doing the hard work of changing their thinking patterns through counseling, out-patient treatment, or working a 12 step program, then it often doesn't have a good outcome.
Too many people leave rehab and go right back into the same living situation in which they relapsed time and time again. Doing the same things gets you the same results.
He can choose to go to a sober-living house instead of going back to your home. You can keep some distance between him and his problem. Also, you can see how committed he is to change.
You don't want to end up right back where you started with him and his addiction. This is not fair to you. Don't end up as his caretaker. This accomplishes nothing other than make it easy for him to relapse.
Again, don't be so quick to accept responsibility for his problem. He doesn't need you to keep him sheltered and fed. He is an adult, and it is on him to make his life work in a more positive direction.
Megumicoop-
Roberta hit the nail on thr head with the post! That is exactly how i am looking at my partner in recovery. He's spent 30 days basically detoxing and now the real work begins day 31! Granted hes done good work in inpatient, but he has to prove he is committed to a life of sobriety by living on his own in his own apartment, managing his financez again without any help, doing an outpatient program, attending na meetings and working the steps. He cant be in a serious relationahip woth me or anyone until hes loves himself again! I am in no hurry to let him back under my roof and he knows and respects this. He did some major damage and i am worth more than letting him come straight back. That could cause more harm than good, as Roberta explained. Hes an adult and he needs to continue to face the negative consequneces of his actions. 30 days is just the tip of the iceberg. Its a lifelong commitment and you will be able to see if hes serious...listen to what he says with a clear mind, the signs are all there. Listen to your gut and dont feel guilty for not wanting him to come back. You do what is best for you! You take care of you! He is not yoir responsibility abd dont let him sneak into ypur head with that "i need you to recover b.s." Time away and apart will speak volumes!
Roberta hit the nail on thr head with the post! That is exactly how i am looking at my partner in recovery. He's spent 30 days basically detoxing and now the real work begins day 31! Granted hes done good work in inpatient, but he has to prove he is committed to a life of sobriety by living on his own in his own apartment, managing his financez again without any help, doing an outpatient program, attending na meetings and working the steps. He cant be in a serious relationahip woth me or anyone until hes loves himself again! I am in no hurry to let him back under my roof and he knows and respects this. He did some major damage and i am worth more than letting him come straight back. That could cause more harm than good, as Roberta explained. Hes an adult and he needs to continue to face the negative consequneces of his actions. 30 days is just the tip of the iceberg. Its a lifelong commitment and you will be able to see if hes serious...listen to what he says with a clear mind, the signs are all there. Listen to your gut and dont feel guilty for not wanting him to come back. You do what is best for you! You take care of you! He is not yoir responsibility abd dont let him sneak into ypur head with that "i need you to recover b.s." Time away and apart will speak volumes!
