I'm a bit confused at the moment. Not sure which direction to head in. Six months ago I bumped into an old friend and that escalated into me being back in an old group of drinking mates. I thought I was enjoying myself because at last I was being sociable, but as time has gone on I have found myself depressed, overeating and generally slacking in myself, my life and my responsibilities. I didn't see the connection until recently, that being around people who are getting extremely drunk and doing irresponsible things was having a detrimental effect on me. I was just impressed with myself for being able to be around alcohol and have no desire for it whatsoever.
I have been cutting all these people off again and becoming reclusive. I am happier to see nobody than to be around drunks. There is just one person who I don't know what to do about. I have told her I am taking back my old life before I started all this socialising because I was alot happier. She understands to an extent, but how do I tell her I don't want to be around her when she is drunk, I don't want to know about how she is dying for a drink at the weekends. I don't want to hear stories of so and so being drunk, because I just don't find it funny at all. Can I still be her friend when she is motivated by alcohol and won't scratch the surface and see that she is actually a problem drinker? The behaviour I witness when she gets drunk is behaviour I don't want to associate myself with. So, can I have half of her as a friend and not the drunk half? I just don't know if that will work. My mind was made up a couple of weeks ago when I was round at hers and around midnight said I was leaving because I had work in the morning. She started saying, no you can't go, don't leave me and stuff, then decided to call this guy she is kind of seeing and get him to come round. I decided to compromise, wait for him to turn up and then leave. He took forever, well, nearly an hour. It was just horrible drama that I don't want in my life. When he did arrive he was drunk too, and it was just like, what the hell am I doing here? I haven't been round since. She is moving tomorrow though and I am wondering if this would be a good time to extricate myself from her life again. Does anyone have any thoughts on this please?
Lacey, I know we've "talked" about the friend issues during a post of mine a couple weeks ago. I can completely relate with friends who still drink, only my "friends" just don't call anymore. It hurt, still does, I find myself sporadcially getting resentful, and then the dreaded, inflated ego where my alcoholic mind tells me that I am better than them. I can relate completely with you.
Now here is my suggestion, boundaries. I think it was you who pointed out that I needed to enact healthy boundaries. Ostercizing yourself completely may or may not be the answer. Only you would know this. However, at least telling this friend that though you cherish the good parts of the friendship, it is too difficult to be around the drinking and drama that ensues...on second thought, you wouldn't even need to bring up the drama, as that may seem judgmental. Go back to the statement you've already told her, that you've realized that even merely around the drinking, you aren't as happy and serene as you are when you aren't around it. That is a simple and honest statement.
I have a favorite quote that I love but don't always adhere to: "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong". You said that you started hanging out with your drinking buddies again because you were finally socializing. I don't know where you live but I've found that socializing means many different things. Lately I've taken it to mean going to a coffee shop and reading/writing. 90% of the time someone comes up and starts chatting. That is socializing to me, or more specifically, that is relating and engaging with someone outside of myself. And those days I don't want to be chatty...I don't engage, say hello, and turn back to my book. Anyway, the point is that if getting out of yourself and engaging with someone else is your intention, there are ways to do it that don't compromise your serenity.
Don't know if any of this helps but wanted to share some thoughts. I definitely think that reiterating how much better you feel when you aren't around the drinking may help. If she says something like, "but you don't feel that way around me" you can honestly say, "I feel that way around everyone. I'd love to go to coffee, lunch, walk, etc...with you but right now where I am at internally and where I'd like to be, it just isn't good for me to be around it at all". If she truly wants what is best for you, she will try to understand. She may not fully understand, as it sounds that she is actively abusing alcohol, but she hopefully will TRY to understand. Ask her to try to understand.
Okay, I'll stop ranting. Please feel free to write back. I'd be honored to hear how things are going and it may help me decide how to handle my situation. My friends just aren't around anymore. One did call the other day to say she was sorry she missed my birthday and congratulated me on my sobriety. She said she really would like to hang out soon. I said right then and there (and probably a little too emphatically and bluntly: "sure but I can't be around drinking". She said, absolutely.
One other thought...sorry; long-winded today. You never know what the future holds. You may be the conduit to help this woman evaluate her life and drinking...an opportunity to help her by way of example. She may walk about pissed now but you never know if she comes to you down the road and says something to the effect, "that conversation in the past where you stood up for yourself and your sobriety really impacted me"...
Thinking of you!
Now here is my suggestion, boundaries. I think it was you who pointed out that I needed to enact healthy boundaries. Ostercizing yourself completely may or may not be the answer. Only you would know this. However, at least telling this friend that though you cherish the good parts of the friendship, it is too difficult to be around the drinking and drama that ensues...on second thought, you wouldn't even need to bring up the drama, as that may seem judgmental. Go back to the statement you've already told her, that you've realized that even merely around the drinking, you aren't as happy and serene as you are when you aren't around it. That is a simple and honest statement.
I have a favorite quote that I love but don't always adhere to: "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than be with someone for the wrong". You said that you started hanging out with your drinking buddies again because you were finally socializing. I don't know where you live but I've found that socializing means many different things. Lately I've taken it to mean going to a coffee shop and reading/writing. 90% of the time someone comes up and starts chatting. That is socializing to me, or more specifically, that is relating and engaging with someone outside of myself. And those days I don't want to be chatty...I don't engage, say hello, and turn back to my book. Anyway, the point is that if getting out of yourself and engaging with someone else is your intention, there are ways to do it that don't compromise your serenity.
Don't know if any of this helps but wanted to share some thoughts. I definitely think that reiterating how much better you feel when you aren't around the drinking may help. If she says something like, "but you don't feel that way around me" you can honestly say, "I feel that way around everyone. I'd love to go to coffee, lunch, walk, etc...with you but right now where I am at internally and where I'd like to be, it just isn't good for me to be around it at all". If she truly wants what is best for you, she will try to understand. She may not fully understand, as it sounds that she is actively abusing alcohol, but she hopefully will TRY to understand. Ask her to try to understand.
Okay, I'll stop ranting. Please feel free to write back. I'd be honored to hear how things are going and it may help me decide how to handle my situation. My friends just aren't around anymore. One did call the other day to say she was sorry she missed my birthday and congratulated me on my sobriety. She said she really would like to hang out soon. I said right then and there (and probably a little too emphatically and bluntly: "sure but I can't be around drinking". She said, absolutely.
One other thought...sorry; long-winded today. You never know what the future holds. You may be the conduit to help this woman evaluate her life and drinking...an opportunity to help her by way of example. She may walk about pissed now but you never know if she comes to you down the road and says something to the effect, "that conversation in the past where you stood up for yourself and your sobriety really impacted me"...
Thinking of you!
Hi Lacey
I have experienced both sides of the coin. I will tell you a little of my experience. whether it will help or not I don't know but it might give some idea on what to decide.I have a friend who was a very close friend and for medical reasons had to give up drinking 3 years ago. We remained friends but but during the last year of my heavy drinking she would not be with me nor did she want to be around me drunk. We stayed in contact ,met on ocassion but she just simply did not want to be around me when I was drunk.Of course we drifted apart but still remained casual friends. Now me and this woman were friends for 15 years before this happened. When I gave up drinking and going through a very hard time she has been there for me EVERY day. She tells me she is glad to have her friend back. the friend that the booze took away. She is one of my biggest supporters . I could understand why she did not want to be with me when I was drunk. Who wants to be babysitting a drunken slobbering ,incoherent lush. anyway my point is if your friend is a true friend she will accept you not wanting to be around her when she is drunk. You can tell her as my friend told me that although you love her you cannot be around booze because it affects your sobriety and you dont need any triggers in your life . Now that I am sober which I have been for 12 weeks my friend and I do things together that don't involve alcohol. and we have restored our friendship to what it was before the booze ruined our relationship. My other friends who drink have stayed my friends and they know that I don't like to be around booze so are still willing to do things with me without any alcohol involved. I usually meet with them throughout the week without any alcohol involved while they go do their own thing on the weekends. Last weekend one of my drinking friends invited me and my husband in for a meal but did not drink themselves so I would feel more comfortable about being there. Now thats a great friend.! Maybe you could suggest to your friend that you would like to keep the friendship but for now your time spent together will have to be alcohol free. If she is a true friend she should understand and meet you halfway on this matter. My friends understand that this is where I am at right now at this point and time in my life. I am soon going to test the waters though I am thinking that at some time soon , I want to invite them all in for a bbq or something. This may not be a good idea but it will give me the opportunity to see if I can handle the social events. If not I will just remain as I am...a wall flower but sober lol.The bottom line is we have to do what is best for our sobriety . something else too lacey your friend maybe not admitting it but she may be a little jealous of your sobriety. Maybe she is hoping that you will drink again. who knows.I know I was jealous of my friend when she gave up drinking. I envied her I really did ,because while I was existing in a drunken stupor she was living her life. She was energetic while I was dead tired. she was looking refreshed and perky while I was haggard and worn. . She was free while I was in a prison and besides that I had lost my fav drinking buddy..so yeah I was envious and Lacey I would be willing to bet that your friend sees it the same way. Whatever you decide to do just remember to put yourself and your sobriety first . Above all TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. Take care and God bless. and I wish you good luck on whatever you decide. p.s sorry the reply was so long
I have experienced both sides of the coin. I will tell you a little of my experience. whether it will help or not I don't know but it might give some idea on what to decide.I have a friend who was a very close friend and for medical reasons had to give up drinking 3 years ago. We remained friends but but during the last year of my heavy drinking she would not be with me nor did she want to be around me drunk. We stayed in contact ,met on ocassion but she just simply did not want to be around me when I was drunk.Of course we drifted apart but still remained casual friends. Now me and this woman were friends for 15 years before this happened. When I gave up drinking and going through a very hard time she has been there for me EVERY day. She tells me she is glad to have her friend back. the friend that the booze took away. She is one of my biggest supporters . I could understand why she did not want to be with me when I was drunk. Who wants to be babysitting a drunken slobbering ,incoherent lush. anyway my point is if your friend is a true friend she will accept you not wanting to be around her when she is drunk. You can tell her as my friend told me that although you love her you cannot be around booze because it affects your sobriety and you dont need any triggers in your life . Now that I am sober which I have been for 12 weeks my friend and I do things together that don't involve alcohol. and we have restored our friendship to what it was before the booze ruined our relationship. My other friends who drink have stayed my friends and they know that I don't like to be around booze so are still willing to do things with me without any alcohol involved. I usually meet with them throughout the week without any alcohol involved while they go do their own thing on the weekends. Last weekend one of my drinking friends invited me and my husband in for a meal but did not drink themselves so I would feel more comfortable about being there. Now thats a great friend.! Maybe you could suggest to your friend that you would like to keep the friendship but for now your time spent together will have to be alcohol free. If she is a true friend she should understand and meet you halfway on this matter. My friends understand that this is where I am at right now at this point and time in my life. I am soon going to test the waters though I am thinking that at some time soon , I want to invite them all in for a bbq or something. This may not be a good idea but it will give me the opportunity to see if I can handle the social events. If not I will just remain as I am...a wall flower but sober lol.The bottom line is we have to do what is best for our sobriety . something else too lacey your friend maybe not admitting it but she may be a little jealous of your sobriety. Maybe she is hoping that you will drink again. who knows.I know I was jealous of my friend when she gave up drinking. I envied her I really did ,because while I was existing in a drunken stupor she was living her life. She was energetic while I was dead tired. she was looking refreshed and perky while I was haggard and worn. . She was free while I was in a prison and besides that I had lost my fav drinking buddy..so yeah I was envious and Lacey I would be willing to bet that your friend sees it the same way. Whatever you decide to do just remember to put yourself and your sobriety first . Above all TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE. Take care and God bless. and I wish you good luck on whatever you decide. p.s sorry the reply was so long
Gidday Lacey
Friends are forever and can be told good or bad and drinking buddies are just that.
It took me ages to work through all the red tape in my head on this.
I lost some really good mates when i stopped drinking but they were only good mates because they happened to be there when i was drinking and i could rely on there support for an excuse to drink, also i didnt want to be talking about life at the pub so i just drank.....i was just there for me and addiction.
As time went on i needed the adrenalin of the pub scene less and less and now i only go till my wife gets drunk and we either both leave or i bugga off.
I still have 3 mates who understand fully and as there and my lifes have changed that understanding of each other has deepened because i didnt know how to be a friend as i only knew how to have drinking mates
I am still a loner now as i prefer the company and safety feeling of home my safe place
The one thing i should of done sooner is developed friendships in AA but for my lack of knowing this didnt happen and really that may of been a blessing because in the early years i was still sexually interested in the females and the males were just people i knew and our meetings are just so small in the town i live in, now i am just starting to look at getting more recovery people in my life as friends and not just someone i know at a meeting
Remember Lacey the loss is just not the friends but also the total feelings package that the drink scene gives to me as an alky, good on you for seeing these changes and be ready for the drunk friends that ask for help as they see you grow, but also be ready for them to not remember what they asked when you see them in the morming
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful the bstard
light and love Zac
Friends are forever and can be told good or bad and drinking buddies are just that.
It took me ages to work through all the red tape in my head on this.
I lost some really good mates when i stopped drinking but they were only good mates because they happened to be there when i was drinking and i could rely on there support for an excuse to drink, also i didnt want to be talking about life at the pub so i just drank.....i was just there for me and addiction.
As time went on i needed the adrenalin of the pub scene less and less and now i only go till my wife gets drunk and we either both leave or i bugga off.
I still have 3 mates who understand fully and as there and my lifes have changed that understanding of each other has deepened because i didnt know how to be a friend as i only knew how to have drinking mates
I am still a loner now as i prefer the company and safety feeling of home my safe place
The one thing i should of done sooner is developed friendships in AA but for my lack of knowing this didnt happen and really that may of been a blessing because in the early years i was still sexually interested in the females and the males were just people i knew and our meetings are just so small in the town i live in, now i am just starting to look at getting more recovery people in my life as friends and not just someone i know at a meeting
Remember Lacey the loss is just not the friends but also the total feelings package that the drink scene gives to me as an alky, good on you for seeing these changes and be ready for the drunk friends that ask for help as they see you grow, but also be ready for them to not remember what they asked when you see them in the morming
Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful the bstard
light and love Zac
Thankyou everso much for your replies. I have got alot from them, alot of help, thankyou again.
I hadn't thought that if she really values me as a friend then she will accept and respect my choices about not being around alcohol. I guess I am going to find out whether she is a real friend or not. We used to get absolutley hammered together - she thinks we had a great time, I think I was ill.
I have to now find the courage to talk to her about this. I have avoided it because in a way I feel it is the pot calling the kettle black. I used to be a heck of a lot worse than she is now so who am I to tell her about her drinking, but the replies have given me some good insight into how I can deal with this with love and in a tactful way.
I won't be too hasty about cutting her off yet then, just stand up for myself and what I know is right for me. I have been to hell with addiction and my sobriety is the most important thing to me, it is the best thing I have ever done and I am a fool if I compromise it.
I hadn't thought that if she really values me as a friend then she will accept and respect my choices about not being around alcohol. I guess I am going to find out whether she is a real friend or not. We used to get absolutley hammered together - she thinks we had a great time, I think I was ill.
I have to now find the courage to talk to her about this. I have avoided it because in a way I feel it is the pot calling the kettle black. I used to be a heck of a lot worse than she is now so who am I to tell her about her drinking, but the replies have given me some good insight into how I can deal with this with love and in a tactful way.
I won't be too hasty about cutting her off yet then, just stand up for myself and what I know is right for me. I have been to hell with addiction and my sobriety is the most important thing to me, it is the best thing I have ever done and I am a fool if I compromise it.
Well, my friend has moved into her lovely new house now. She sent a text this morning to see if I wanted to go over on Saturday evening. I took the opportunity to decline and tell her that I don't want to be around alcohol because it is jeopardising my sobriety and that I would like to spend quality time with her and her son perhaps in the daytimes or on weekday evenings (she only drinks at the weekend nowadays). I felt by saying that alcohol is the problem for me, I wouldn't be sounding like I am criticising and judging her. She said that she understands and respects what I say, and to let her know when I want to go and visit. She also said that I am in the driving seat, it's my life.
I have been worried about this for a while now. Fortunatley it worked out fine though. Good timing actually because she has got her new house to focus on, she is making a new life for herself. I am grateful to her for understanding where I am coming from, that means a lot.
I have been worried about this for a while now. Fortunatley it worked out fine though. Good timing actually because she has got her new house to focus on, she is making a new life for herself. I am grateful to her for understanding where I am coming from, that means a lot.
