hello bob, i have been on this board for a short time and you seem very knowledgable of 12 step programs. i just started na and have a ex who still uses, he is not around me but still calls. i have read about the thread regarding detachment and i know the phone call is coming claiming is is fine i know otherwise, in your experience and i am new in recovery, how do i handle this, i cant let him back into my life becuz my sobriety is number one right now, he has been in programs, diversions and prison 3 times and still is not clean or sober. when i was with him i enabled him but turning the other cheek as i was battling my own pill problem however now that the fog is lifting my tolerance level for his behavior is getting quite thin. i just cant be around him and any advice you can give me would be much appreciated.
thanks in advance
carol
carol, glad to help if i can.
you seem to be very serious about your recovery. if you have not been to meetings, i suggest that you go and check them out. go for a month -- give them some time. if you have already been and have decided to continue or are not sure whether to continue, then ask for a sponsor at the next meeting and do what your sponsor says to do, when she says to do it and exactly in the manner she says to do it. if she says jump, your only question should be "how high." check in with her everyday if she wishes for you to do so. practice obedience.
i couldn't tell whether your "ex" is your husband or a boyfriend. either way, as an active addict, you need to be away from him as you mention for the sake of your own welfare, health and very life.
with his history, removing him from your life should be very easily accomplished if you are serious about dis-engaging. and if you have made the decision to disengage.
first, change your phone number, get an unlisted number and don't give it to him. secondly, if he shows up on your doorstep or within 100 yards of you, call the authorities and have him removed. just like a stranger.
if you are still obsessing over him, call your sponsor.
if you decide to continue contact with him in any form or fashion, after what has happened, then you need to dig deep within yourself to find out why. one bit of advice, don't engage in a prolonged withdrawal from him. you will only start the internal and external battle everyday criticizing his activities and his behaviors and his words and his every move (or lack of calling, etc.). that sort of behavior leads to nowhere and is a total waste of time. there's no healing in it. and it's physically, emotionally, and spiritually unhealthy.
also, since you directly asked for my advice, i feel free to offer you this as a help and would be remiss if i didn't suggest it. if you are not doing so already, in a very old-fashioned way, find 10 minutes every day to actually get down on your knees and ask the God who created you and the rest of us for strength, solace, peace, courage, knowledge and wisdom. ask (beg) him to remove your compulsion and mental obsession to use. and ask him for the strength and courage to deal with your ex. meditate daily, for say, 20 minutes in quiet and solitude. call upon the Holy Spirit to come to your aid. while it has other attributes and effects, it has become apparent and obvious to me that in large part addiction is a spiritual disease and in part requires a spiritual response to arrest it's effects. don't put a band-aid on an open wound that needs stitches. plunge into it and "be not afraid." only you can ask.
hope this helped. please pray for me and i will pray for you.
carol, i got to thinkin' about whether i was preachin' to ya. just wanted to follow up and let you know that many a good sponsor has given that very same advice to many a doubting recovering addict, particularly during a time of real weakness about whether she or he can continue in recovery or wants to continue in recovery, so don't take it personally or anything. the same issues arise as we struggle to decide whether to maintain certain relationships.
but there does come a time, sooner or later, when each of us, addict or non-addict, comes to the realization -- or awareness -- of our dependency on a power greater than ourselves to sustain us. at that time, ususally we have a very clear decision to make. and we know it.
sounds like you're making real progress in your recovery. and for that, i am sure we are all grateful and thankful.
but there does come a time, sooner or later, when each of us, addict or non-addict, comes to the realization -- or awareness -- of our dependency on a power greater than ourselves to sustain us. at that time, ususally we have a very clear decision to make. and we know it.
sounds like you're making real progress in your recovery. and for that, i am sure we are all grateful and thankful.
thanks bob, i have been going to na meetings and they have helped me immensely. no you are not preaching and your advice has helped me very much. as each day passes it gets a lil easier to not obsess over my ex boyfriend, he is definitely drinking and using and i have made a decision that i simply can not allow that in my life. i am fighting for my recovery and although i have only 13 days my mind has not been this clear for a while.
thank you so much for your help
carol
thank you so much for your help
carol
many who post here would give anything for 13 days.
you have a wonderful way of expressing yourself.
at the heart of humility is knowing yourself -- knowing exactly who you are, what you are made of, what your strengths are and what your weaknesses are. and being rigourously honest with ourselves.
and i think you are beginning to really know yourself.