Sorry about this but I have to say something to someone to get this off my chest.
My dad is such a flipping a-hole. He sits down there mumping and moaning and drinking whisky and rum til he's like a bear with a sore head then he goes in the huff with me and my mum for no reason... he thinks he's such a smart arse buying the cheap stuff, he says once you've had a few you don't care what it tastes like... He bought this litre of rum and he's just sat and drank his way through it... I can't stand it when he does that, I never know what's going to happen next with him...
I bought a few beers for myself for when I really fancy them, he's drank half of them too... then he went in the huff when my mum said that they were mine...
He's just been really nasty about me aswell this past two days, but he doesn't even get that what comes out of his mouth is actually the way HE behaves... like a selfish child who doesn't give a s*** how his behaviour affects other people.
My mum said to me today she regrets even marrying him, 25 years ago her mother broke down crying when she told her she was going to marry my dad...
I have to be so conscious about all my relationships, not just with men because of him, because I know it'd be so easy for me to fall into an abusive relationship as that's all I know, not physically abusive but mental abuse which can potentially be more damaging... I'm already Borderline because of my upbringing with Him.
Sometimes I wish he'd just eff off and die...
Izzy X
Gidday Izzy
I know the feeling when my dad was alive he was a violent drunk and even more so with his mouth and all 6 of us kids left home because of him leaving mum to it as we had asked her to leave so mant times....the thing is she was comfortable in that world because it was all she knew and when she married him it was till death do us part and being the worrier she was she had to stick to that.
There isnt a hell of a lot you can do except either leave and build your own sanity or face up to your dad and i know doing this only makes the verbals worse for your mum and leaving will do that anyway. but hey stay or go he will not change the power structure he has created.
For me i know i was glad dad died first and mum had some sane years without him but you know what she missed the bugga.....bloody hell
I loved my dad and hated him just as much and as quick as that as well.
Izzy they have created there world, dont let him create and control yours...whisper in his ear one day that he will get old and it will be lonely in an old peoples home and remember unhappy people do not like to see happy people and he is an energy stealer of the worst kind because he steals identities with it.......and you know what? i bet you still just want to hear him say "i love you" thats all i ever wanted from my dad was unconditional love and it took his dying for me to find it.
Izzy create in your heart and mind barriers to his tounge that will help you make the best of the way things are.
light and love zac
I know the feeling when my dad was alive he was a violent drunk and even more so with his mouth and all 6 of us kids left home because of him leaving mum to it as we had asked her to leave so mant times....the thing is she was comfortable in that world because it was all she knew and when she married him it was till death do us part and being the worrier she was she had to stick to that.
There isnt a hell of a lot you can do except either leave and build your own sanity or face up to your dad and i know doing this only makes the verbals worse for your mum and leaving will do that anyway. but hey stay or go he will not change the power structure he has created.
For me i know i was glad dad died first and mum had some sane years without him but you know what she missed the bugga.....bloody hell
I loved my dad and hated him just as much and as quick as that as well.
Izzy they have created there world, dont let him create and control yours...whisper in his ear one day that he will get old and it will be lonely in an old peoples home and remember unhappy people do not like to see happy people and he is an energy stealer of the worst kind because he steals identities with it.......and you know what? i bet you still just want to hear him say "i love you" thats all i ever wanted from my dad was unconditional love and it took his dying for me to find it.
Izzy create in your heart and mind barriers to his tounge that will help you make the best of the way things are.
light and love zac
Dear Izzy,
I'm so sorry you must live in an enviroment that is full of pain. Know that your Dad is sick. Sick with the disease of Alcoholism. Unfortunately it's a family disease. Does he ever feel or show any signs of remorse after a bender? I do hope so. Because if he does then this would be the beginning of hope for him and your family.
Has anyone ever spoken to him about his drinking problem? Perhaps after he's made an a-- of himself, when he's sober someone could talk to him. Is there an Alanon program available in your area where you could get some f2f support? Other then him sobering up or you moving out. I don't know what you can do to avoid him. Hide out in your room, leave the house, spend the night at a friends house.
Please know it is not your fault that he drinks and is a mean spirit when drunk. I used to wish that someone would secretly video tape me when I was drunk so I could see the difference in what I was like sober verses drunk. Maybe I would have come to the realization sooner that I needed help to stop drinking. Because drinking was ruining my life and hurting the people I loved the most.
I hope your friend is doing better and getting the help she needs! You asked us to pray for her. So, now I'm going to pray for you concerning your Dad and please pray for yourself to. I believe God hears our prayers and if we keep seeking he will answer them. It may not be in our time, in our way but he will come if we just keep comimg to him.
Take Care, Chris
I'm so sorry you must live in an enviroment that is full of pain. Know that your Dad is sick. Sick with the disease of Alcoholism. Unfortunately it's a family disease. Does he ever feel or show any signs of remorse after a bender? I do hope so. Because if he does then this would be the beginning of hope for him and your family.
Has anyone ever spoken to him about his drinking problem? Perhaps after he's made an a-- of himself, when he's sober someone could talk to him. Is there an Alanon program available in your area where you could get some f2f support? Other then him sobering up or you moving out. I don't know what you can do to avoid him. Hide out in your room, leave the house, spend the night at a friends house.
Please know it is not your fault that he drinks and is a mean spirit when drunk. I used to wish that someone would secretly video tape me when I was drunk so I could see the difference in what I was like sober verses drunk. Maybe I would have come to the realization sooner that I needed help to stop drinking. Because drinking was ruining my life and hurting the people I loved the most.
I hope your friend is doing better and getting the help she needs! You asked us to pray for her. So, now I'm going to pray for you concerning your Dad and please pray for yourself to. I believe God hears our prayers and if we keep seeking he will answer them. It may not be in our time, in our way but he will come if we just keep comimg to him.
Take Care, Chris
Thanks so much for your responses.
I've just been crying all day. My dad is in the right huff, we don't know why, he has been shutting doors in my face and his body language has been appalling. He doesn't abuse us with words too often, he just uses passive aggressiveness which is even worse as I'm very sensitive to peoples emotions and body language.
My mum managed to persuade me to go to the Cinema tonight to get away from the house for a bit, so we went together and had a bit of a laugh as the film we went to see was a comedy. I didn't think she'd like it as she came with me for a bit of support but she found it funny too, so I was glad about that and I paid.
I found, that when we got back, he'd been drinking again. He doesn't drink much but when he does get started on the rum or the whisky he doesn't know when to stop. He hasn't spoken to either me or my mum all day, and I expect it to last a good few days before he even acknowledges me again. It used to last months and I'm not exaggerating... I've just tried to be normal around him and not let him see that he's bothering me, but I just find it all so upsetting and unnecessary.
Sometimes I feel I was a stronger child than what I am now. I guess deep inside it's just become all too much for me to deal with, and I'm only showing it now. I know other people go through a lot worse, but this is my personal agony and I know it's just as valid as anyone elses. I find people, like my Psychologist and my Psychiatrist telling me I've been through a lot and I've had a tough life, but to me it's just normal, I can deal with abuse because it's been part of my daily life for as long as I can remember... so sometimes i feel like a fraud... just like now, writing this... I've always been made to believe I've had a good upbringing, but in reality, it's all lies... just like my whole life is one big lie... protecting him, pretending I'm fine when all I want to do is go off somewhere and be forgotten about... I want to cry for me... for what he's taken from me... For all the hurt and the confidence I've lost, I don't even know if I had any to begin with... I'm so confused...
All I can be thankful for is the strength I have within me now to not turn to alcohol because of it. He's hurt me enough but I have control over how much I hurt myself.
Thanks,
Izzy X
I've just been crying all day. My dad is in the right huff, we don't know why, he has been shutting doors in my face and his body language has been appalling. He doesn't abuse us with words too often, he just uses passive aggressiveness which is even worse as I'm very sensitive to peoples emotions and body language.
My mum managed to persuade me to go to the Cinema tonight to get away from the house for a bit, so we went together and had a bit of a laugh as the film we went to see was a comedy. I didn't think she'd like it as she came with me for a bit of support but she found it funny too, so I was glad about that and I paid.
I found, that when we got back, he'd been drinking again. He doesn't drink much but when he does get started on the rum or the whisky he doesn't know when to stop. He hasn't spoken to either me or my mum all day, and I expect it to last a good few days before he even acknowledges me again. It used to last months and I'm not exaggerating... I've just tried to be normal around him and not let him see that he's bothering me, but I just find it all so upsetting and unnecessary.
Sometimes I feel I was a stronger child than what I am now. I guess deep inside it's just become all too much for me to deal with, and I'm only showing it now. I know other people go through a lot worse, but this is my personal agony and I know it's just as valid as anyone elses. I find people, like my Psychologist and my Psychiatrist telling me I've been through a lot and I've had a tough life, but to me it's just normal, I can deal with abuse because it's been part of my daily life for as long as I can remember... so sometimes i feel like a fraud... just like now, writing this... I've always been made to believe I've had a good upbringing, but in reality, it's all lies... just like my whole life is one big lie... protecting him, pretending I'm fine when all I want to do is go off somewhere and be forgotten about... I want to cry for me... for what he's taken from me... For all the hurt and the confidence I've lost, I don't even know if I had any to begin with... I'm so confused...
All I can be thankful for is the strength I have within me now to not turn to alcohol because of it. He's hurt me enough but I have control over how much I hurt myself.
Thanks,
Izzy X
Izzy,
I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I really admire the strength you're showing in seeking help and refusing to hurt yourself.
I don't think you or anyone else has mentioned Al-Anon. Have you tried them? You might find their literature helpful and if you haven't already found the Families and Partners board you should pop over there and join the rest of us. I haven't been here long but my experience elsewhere is that it is possible and wonderful to create a wider family full of people who understand something about what you're going through, and who care about your well-being.
Take care and please stay in touch.
I'm so sorry you're going through so much pain. I really admire the strength you're showing in seeking help and refusing to hurt yourself.
I don't think you or anyone else has mentioned Al-Anon. Have you tried them? You might find their literature helpful and if you haven't already found the Families and Partners board you should pop over there and join the rest of us. I haven't been here long but my experience elsewhere is that it is possible and wonderful to create a wider family full of people who understand something about what you're going through, and who care about your well-being.
Take care and please stay in touch.
Gidday Izzy
You are not confused you are just waking up to how it is and how it has been for you in your life,instead of shutting things down via alcohol or internalising everything and letting it out by other means.
The sulking your dad does is all part of the control as he deems his control to be lessening he will think up new ways of regaining i.
You are a threat to his control because you are starting to see life differently and you are aware of right and wrong more clearly and he will be s***ting bricks about this because his past is or was always in his control and maybe now it is not.
Izzy i know what it is like to grow up living the lies and outwardly portraying a happy family and then behind closed doors the devil is unleashed ...every sunday our father went to church and was absolved of his sins only to start them again when he got home from the pub that night being young was sh@t he would beat us and mum, the nuns would beat us at school and the priest well he done the rest and all along we had to grin and bear it.......
The damage was done and now i am repairing that damage some of my abusers are lost in the cloud of childhood and some have the devils face thanks to my catholic upbringing and the fear of god that was beaten into us in so many ways literally.
Be strong Izzy because you are worthwhile...you are beautiful and above all you should be aloud to be the you that god intended before others changed the game plan, i have said it before and i will say it again one day after all of this is sorted and accounted for in your heart and mind and also other peoples accountability you will become a person of inspiration and counsell for others, this is happening in small ways now via your posts and also your understanding towards those who you let close
Do not ever give up on unconditional love as it is out there and in your heart already......one day at a time
light and love Zac
You are not confused you are just waking up to how it is and how it has been for you in your life,instead of shutting things down via alcohol or internalising everything and letting it out by other means.
The sulking your dad does is all part of the control as he deems his control to be lessening he will think up new ways of regaining i.
You are a threat to his control because you are starting to see life differently and you are aware of right and wrong more clearly and he will be s***ting bricks about this because his past is or was always in his control and maybe now it is not.
Izzy i know what it is like to grow up living the lies and outwardly portraying a happy family and then behind closed doors the devil is unleashed ...every sunday our father went to church and was absolved of his sins only to start them again when he got home from the pub that night being young was sh@t he would beat us and mum, the nuns would beat us at school and the priest well he done the rest and all along we had to grin and bear it.......
The damage was done and now i am repairing that damage some of my abusers are lost in the cloud of childhood and some have the devils face thanks to my catholic upbringing and the fear of god that was beaten into us in so many ways literally.
Be strong Izzy because you are worthwhile...you are beautiful and above all you should be aloud to be the you that god intended before others changed the game plan, i have said it before and i will say it again one day after all of this is sorted and accounted for in your heart and mind and also other peoples accountability you will become a person of inspiration and counsell for others, this is happening in small ways now via your posts and also your understanding towards those who you let close
Do not ever give up on unconditional love as it is out there and in your heart already......one day at a time
light and love Zac
Hi again,
And hi Martin, thanks for your post, I am going to buy the AA Big Book when I have some more money, not for anyone else but for me. I'm trying to get out of my own cycle of alcoholism, and am succeeding most of the time.
My dad still hasn't spoken to either of us, still shutting the door in my face but I don't think he's drunk anything the past couple days...
I'm not crying about it now, I'm just angry... why does he behave like that? I can't do anything about it but I am now beginning, over the past couple of days to not want to even open my mouth in front of him... I'm scared of him saying he's going to chuck me out because he's just got that way about him right now... I don't know if that makes sense but I can just feel that that's the mood he's in...
I have an appointment with my Psychologist and my alcohol counsellor in the next week, so maybe I can talk it all out there...
We have these adverts on the tv right now that says 'Domestic abuse, there's no excuse' and I'm thinking about ringing the number... But once again I'm in this predicament that's in my head... is it abuse? Is this normal? I know that things aren't right but I'm just confused...
Anyway...
Izzy X
And hi Martin, thanks for your post, I am going to buy the AA Big Book when I have some more money, not for anyone else but for me. I'm trying to get out of my own cycle of alcoholism, and am succeeding most of the time.
My dad still hasn't spoken to either of us, still shutting the door in my face but I don't think he's drunk anything the past couple days...
I'm not crying about it now, I'm just angry... why does he behave like that? I can't do anything about it but I am now beginning, over the past couple of days to not want to even open my mouth in front of him... I'm scared of him saying he's going to chuck me out because he's just got that way about him right now... I don't know if that makes sense but I can just feel that that's the mood he's in...
I have an appointment with my Psychologist and my alcohol counsellor in the next week, so maybe I can talk it all out there...
We have these adverts on the tv right now that says 'Domestic abuse, there's no excuse' and I'm thinking about ringing the number... But once again I'm in this predicament that's in my head... is it abuse? Is this normal? I know that things aren't right but I'm just confused...
Anyway...
Izzy X
Izzy,
Glad you are going to pick up the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous....the first 164 pages are the main text and the back pages are stories submitted by other Alcoholics. I can identify with your fear surrounding your Father, I had the same fear as child, but as an adult I no longer have that fear because I can choose whether I converse with him or not; I have not seen my Dad in 17 years...I cannot remember if you are a young adult or in your late teens, but hang on, it will get better and my hope is that one day you will be able to move from this situation and make a life of your own.
Glad you are going to pick up the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous....the first 164 pages are the main text and the back pages are stories submitted by other Alcoholics. I can identify with your fear surrounding your Father, I had the same fear as child, but as an adult I no longer have that fear because I can choose whether I converse with him or not; I have not seen my Dad in 17 years...I cannot remember if you are a young adult or in your late teens, but hang on, it will get better and my hope is that one day you will be able to move from this situation and make a life of your own.
Hi Izzy, sorry to hear about the situation with your dad. My mother used to be an angry person. I was quite angry at her until about 3 years after I left home. I remember quite clearly visiting and looking at her instead of the usual feeling of anger and contempt I felt sorry for her. Sorry for her because her anger pushed her children away from her, sorry for her because she was unhappy with her marriage but wouldn't admit it to anyone especially her husband (my father).
Forgiving and letting go of anger is really a liberating experience. It isn't easy, it takes time and space. I hope some day that you can have this experience with your father.
one day at a time, Cookster
Forgiving and letting go of anger is really a liberating experience. It isn't easy, it takes time and space. I hope some day that you can have this experience with your father.
one day at a time, Cookster
hi Izzy
How u doing?? i've read a few of your posts - what prompted me to reply was the fact that u said about being confused and whether your dad's behaviour is normal - well it clearly isn't but i believe when we are in a situation for a long time we really do get confused and question our reality - however the only way to get "unconfused is to mix with people who will confirm what's normal !! hmmm doesn't have to be that complicated though......i think u said u had BPD hmm that's a pretty hard illness to deal with too, i hope u are doing ok with your counselling ??? and glad that at least u have some support.............. and there are some good books out there re this illness that i'm sure can help with your thought patterns?? i know it's hard work but certainly worth the effort - of course when you feel you can put that effort in??
Anyways hope to be able to speak to you again, please take care Rach xxxx
How u doing?? i've read a few of your posts - what prompted me to reply was the fact that u said about being confused and whether your dad's behaviour is normal - well it clearly isn't but i believe when we are in a situation for a long time we really do get confused and question our reality - however the only way to get "unconfused is to mix with people who will confirm what's normal !! hmmm doesn't have to be that complicated though......i think u said u had BPD hmm that's a pretty hard illness to deal with too, i hope u are doing ok with your counselling ??? and glad that at least u have some support.............. and there are some good books out there re this illness that i'm sure can help with your thought patterns?? i know it's hard work but certainly worth the effort - of course when you feel you can put that effort in??
Anyways hope to be able to speak to you again, please take care Rach xxxx
Hi again everyone, and hello Rach, your post was very kind...
Well, I went downstairs tonight to see my mum about something, walked into the living room and my heart sank. He's sat there with his whisky being so nice to my mum I'm fed up of it... it's all an act... the more he drinks the nicer he gets til he's so drunk he feels awful and is crashing about... then we suffer the next days hangover...
I might sound like a hypocrite, but I can't stand seeing other people drink, especially when they make themselves look ridiculous like only the drink can... I feel embarrased for them and very sad... coz I know what it's like to be a public spectacle... and I mean no offence to anyone...
It's the drink talking, I mean, about 2 weeks ago I thought he was trying really hard to get on with me so I sat and had a nip of whisky with him, but the next day he just went back to being horrible again... you'd think I'd have learned by now eh?
I'm just trying to get myself out of my own hole, I've just been feeling really depressed coz of all this.
Thanks,
Izzy X
Well, I went downstairs tonight to see my mum about something, walked into the living room and my heart sank. He's sat there with his whisky being so nice to my mum I'm fed up of it... it's all an act... the more he drinks the nicer he gets til he's so drunk he feels awful and is crashing about... then we suffer the next days hangover...
I might sound like a hypocrite, but I can't stand seeing other people drink, especially when they make themselves look ridiculous like only the drink can... I feel embarrased for them and very sad... coz I know what it's like to be a public spectacle... and I mean no offence to anyone...
It's the drink talking, I mean, about 2 weeks ago I thought he was trying really hard to get on with me so I sat and had a nip of whisky with him, but the next day he just went back to being horrible again... you'd think I'd have learned by now eh?
I'm just trying to get myself out of my own hole, I've just been feeling really depressed coz of all this.
Thanks,
Izzy X
Hi Izzy,
I was very lucky and didn't have any dealings with alcohol in my own childhood, but even as an adult I was confused and at times thought I was going mad trying to understand my ex's behaviour. It's only since gong to Al-anon and open AA meetings and reading stuff about alcoholism on the web and coming to sites like this that I've started to understand (I think!) what is and isn't "normal". there's a wide range, and I don't believe in normal for normal's sake (if that makes sense), but if what someone is doing is making them or others unhappy then it's probably a good time for a change. However, we can't change them so we have to find a way of responding to the situation we're in - sometimes by leaving, sometimes by staying and changing how we respond emotionally and otherwise to the craziness of others. It IS THEIR craziness...
Keep posting and reading and thinking about what YOU want for your life. It sounds to me like you're donig your best to find a healthy way through a very difficult place at the moment and that makes you a hero in my eyes.
You can find the AA big book online at their website.
You're a good and precious human being and you deserve to be happy. With the courage and determination you're showing here I have no doubt you'll succeed.....just remember that it's a journey to be enjoyed whenever you can, and that few journies are without the occasional setback.
Keep in touch.
Martin
I was very lucky and didn't have any dealings with alcohol in my own childhood, but even as an adult I was confused and at times thought I was going mad trying to understand my ex's behaviour. It's only since gong to Al-anon and open AA meetings and reading stuff about alcoholism on the web and coming to sites like this that I've started to understand (I think!) what is and isn't "normal". there's a wide range, and I don't believe in normal for normal's sake (if that makes sense), but if what someone is doing is making them or others unhappy then it's probably a good time for a change. However, we can't change them so we have to find a way of responding to the situation we're in - sometimes by leaving, sometimes by staying and changing how we respond emotionally and otherwise to the craziness of others. It IS THEIR craziness...
Keep posting and reading and thinking about what YOU want for your life. It sounds to me like you're donig your best to find a healthy way through a very difficult place at the moment and that makes you a hero in my eyes.
You can find the AA big book online at their website.
You're a good and precious human being and you deserve to be happy. With the courage and determination you're showing here I have no doubt you'll succeed.....just remember that it's a journey to be enjoyed whenever you can, and that few journies are without the occasional setback.
Keep in touch.
Martin
Gidday Izzy
Whats normal? when i was young and at home normal was having fun with mum then all scattering when we heard dad arriving home and then he would beat mum up and any of us that were not quick enough and sometimes my older brothers and sisters would stay up just to take a beating to save mum
We would much prefer a beating than the mind F's that he would do sober and that was only him being good at giving away his guilt and making us think it was ours to start with and i thought all this was normal
I went to a friends place and there parents hugged the kids i was uncomfortable with that because a hug in our circles was bad news.
As i got older i thought cant beat em i will join em and so i put both feet in the trough at the bar and didnt leave. I never left a bar i only woke up the next morning....
I can still feel more comfortable in a house where people are trying to kill each other physically or verbally...now i can just see the dynamics of it all and that is why i tell the kids i love them everyday.
Izzy keep save, keep sober and try not to let your dads mindgames and guilt sharing hurt you..keep posting and sharing
light and love Zac
Whats normal? when i was young and at home normal was having fun with mum then all scattering when we heard dad arriving home and then he would beat mum up and any of us that were not quick enough and sometimes my older brothers and sisters would stay up just to take a beating to save mum
We would much prefer a beating than the mind F's that he would do sober and that was only him being good at giving away his guilt and making us think it was ours to start with and i thought all this was normal
I went to a friends place and there parents hugged the kids i was uncomfortable with that because a hug in our circles was bad news.
As i got older i thought cant beat em i will join em and so i put both feet in the trough at the bar and didnt leave. I never left a bar i only woke up the next morning....
I can still feel more comfortable in a house where people are trying to kill each other physically or verbally...now i can just see the dynamics of it all and that is why i tell the kids i love them everyday.
Izzy keep save, keep sober and try not to let your dads mindgames and guilt sharing hurt you..keep posting and sharing
light and love Zac
Hi, Zac you put into words exactly the way it is...
"than the mind F's that he would do sober and that was only him being good at giving away his guilt and making us think it was ours to start with and i thought all this was normal"
My dad makes us feel like everything is our fault and that we're all to blame for the way he is and the things he does... his favourite word is "resent" he resents everything and everyone... It's all I I I me me me with him... narcissist...
Well, two nights ago now, he sat and drank himself silly, I went downstairs because his tv was blaring til all hours in the morning and he was sat there, passed out with the whisky bottle on the floor... I just felt sick. My mum ended up having to get out of bed to tell him to keep the noise down, then he went to get changed for bed and all I heard was this crashing about down there and I felt really scared and tense, he's got me a nervous wreck the whole time and he has no idea whatsoever about what effect he has on this household.
I feel so guilty writing this... I feel like I'm telling tales but there is no one out there who believes what I say, except my alcohol counsellor and my psychologist, but I see them so rarely I have to get this out some other way.
I have tasks to do for my meeting with my psychologist and I share it all with my mum, and she said to me "You do know that if your dad found out you were speaking about him in these sessions, he'd be livid" I knew that of course and I keep all my correspondance hidden. He never uses the net so I feel kind of safe writing this here. I know people here have been through similar...
"I went to a friends place and there parents hugged the kids"
I was always so jealous of my best friend at school. Her mum and dad never argued, her dad never called her names or hit or kicked her, and I felt so alone thinking about this... She's been happy, managed to get a series of good jobs and a boyfriend and I'm stuck in this limbo of mistrust and abuse... I can't leave this house because I'd be on the streets... and I'm too ill to work.
Thanks for all your responses. I really appreciate it.
Izzy X
"than the mind F's that he would do sober and that was only him being good at giving away his guilt and making us think it was ours to start with and i thought all this was normal"
My dad makes us feel like everything is our fault and that we're all to blame for the way he is and the things he does... his favourite word is "resent" he resents everything and everyone... It's all I I I me me me with him... narcissist...
Well, two nights ago now, he sat and drank himself silly, I went downstairs because his tv was blaring til all hours in the morning and he was sat there, passed out with the whisky bottle on the floor... I just felt sick. My mum ended up having to get out of bed to tell him to keep the noise down, then he went to get changed for bed and all I heard was this crashing about down there and I felt really scared and tense, he's got me a nervous wreck the whole time and he has no idea whatsoever about what effect he has on this household.
I feel so guilty writing this... I feel like I'm telling tales but there is no one out there who believes what I say, except my alcohol counsellor and my psychologist, but I see them so rarely I have to get this out some other way.
I have tasks to do for my meeting with my psychologist and I share it all with my mum, and she said to me "You do know that if your dad found out you were speaking about him in these sessions, he'd be livid" I knew that of course and I keep all my correspondance hidden. He never uses the net so I feel kind of safe writing this here. I know people here have been through similar...
"I went to a friends place and there parents hugged the kids"
I was always so jealous of my best friend at school. Her mum and dad never argued, her dad never called her names or hit or kicked her, and I felt so alone thinking about this... She's been happy, managed to get a series of good jobs and a boyfriend and I'm stuck in this limbo of mistrust and abuse... I can't leave this house because I'd be on the streets... and I'm too ill to work.
Thanks for all your responses. I really appreciate it.
Izzy X
I know one thing Izzy, as a proud dad of three lovely kids I think you're doing a great job keeping yourself as well and as mentally healthy as possible in a very difficult situation. I think you're an example to us all. There are bound to be times when it all feels too much, but that will pass. If you continue to show the same insight and strength of character in life as you're showing here right now you're going to be one amazing human being and you'll be surrounded by good people who will love and admire you. And if you want kids and are lucky enough to have them, they are going to be the luckiest kids in the World.
With great respect and admiration,
Martin
With great respect and admiration,
Martin
Hi Martin, I saw my alcohol counsellor today and we had a really long talk about all this and how it affects my drinking patterns and I feel really upbeat about things now, I'm not failing at coping with this, I'm doing really well, but it takes someone else to point things like this out to me for me to see it! I managed to get a whole load of stuff out that has been bothering me. I'm so glad I asked to get referred to that service. I've been going a year and a bit now and we have a good connection, my therapist and me. She used to be a Psych nurse so has a good understanding of my Borderline condition...
My dad has had a complete u turn in his attitude towards me today, it's been all smiles and niceities...
He is going into hospital tomorrow for some tests and there is a chance that he could have a cardiac arrest as that's what happened the last time... I don't know what to think... Sort of half worried, half not...
Trying not to think the worst...
Izzy X
My dad has had a complete u turn in his attitude towards me today, it's been all smiles and niceities...
He is going into hospital tomorrow for some tests and there is a chance that he could have a cardiac arrest as that's what happened the last time... I don't know what to think... Sort of half worried, half not...
Trying not to think the worst...
Izzy X
Gidday Izzy
Cool post Martin, thats the Izzy i know too:)
Izzy the day my dad died i went to the house and my brother was doing cpr on him and he looked at me and i looked at him......we had the same fear ...the old sh@t might live.....we needed him to go because our lives were sore with the weight of his negativety and instant self loathing we had in his prescence, he was a master of guilt sharing and negativety.
By the way i wanted to put LMAO after the old sh@t might live, because our lives have been so much more fun since he died, and i love him and talk to him more dead than alive.....he only new what he was taught in the cycle of addiction that was as big a weight for him as it was for me.
Im not saying if your dad passess have a partie, as it will be hard for your mum and you all, what im saying is when the time comes a weight will shift i am sure, and him being nice well he needs people to feel sorry for him and visit in hospital so he can present the happiness for all to see......my thoughts only
light and love zac
Cool post Martin, thats the Izzy i know too:)
Izzy the day my dad died i went to the house and my brother was doing cpr on him and he looked at me and i looked at him......we had the same fear ...the old sh@t might live.....we needed him to go because our lives were sore with the weight of his negativety and instant self loathing we had in his prescence, he was a master of guilt sharing and negativety.
By the way i wanted to put LMAO after the old sh@t might live, because our lives have been so much more fun since he died, and i love him and talk to him more dead than alive.....he only new what he was taught in the cycle of addiction that was as big a weight for him as it was for me.
Im not saying if your dad passess have a partie, as it will be hard for your mum and you all, what im saying is when the time comes a weight will shift i am sure, and him being nice well he needs people to feel sorry for him and visit in hospital so he can present the happiness for all to see......my thoughts only
light and love zac
Izzy I am not good at giving advice but God knows I ask for enough. All I can say to you is you have my support and I hope God gives you the inner strength to deal with your problems. You have wonderful people on here who support you and can understand some of the things you are going through and that is something you can be thankful for.and Izzy please remember that what don't kill you will make you stronger. Maybe this is a learning experience for you so that someday you will be able to help others. God bless and take care and above all HANG IN THERE and keep a positive attitude however hard it might be. Don't let anyone take away your light.
Hi all, my dad had his tests and they found a tumor and they think it's cancer... he's having a biopsy done and has to wait for the test results, then he has to go for a scan.
I don't know how to react to it because on the one hand I wish he'd die but on the other I don't... We had another argument today and if you'd asked me then I would have said that I hoped he does die, coz I fu@king hate him! Then I feel guilty.
I just feel like if he wasn't here things'd be so much easier... but I don't want to have anything to do with his funeral, coz I couldn't stand to hear all those people saying how nice he was and what a good person he was because most of it is acting. The dad I know and the man other people see is two totally different people.
And Zac, I agree with your whole post... and thanks Pirate also. I feel in some way that this whole experience has been given to me for a reason, and if that's to help others then I will get into that at some point. I do feel like that myself actually...
Izzy X
I don't know how to react to it because on the one hand I wish he'd die but on the other I don't... We had another argument today and if you'd asked me then I would have said that I hoped he does die, coz I fu@king hate him! Then I feel guilty.
I just feel like if he wasn't here things'd be so much easier... but I don't want to have anything to do with his funeral, coz I couldn't stand to hear all those people saying how nice he was and what a good person he was because most of it is acting. The dad I know and the man other people see is two totally different people.
And Zac, I agree with your whole post... and thanks Pirate also. I feel in some way that this whole experience has been given to me for a reason, and if that's to help others then I will get into that at some point. I do feel like that myself actually...
Izzy X
Gidday Izzy
When my dad died i wanted to stand up at the funeral and tell a few truths...but that was my hate and fear of a man now dead and it would of done nothing for my mum...as it was all us kids were sitting around laughing and joking when the undertaker was there and later i had a word with him and you know a lot of people sort of knew but chose not too acknowledge that the old bugga was a bstard.....And another thing i noticed was that mum really did miss the fella even after all he had done..she was well and truely programmed into his world and how he had told her she should be.
So all us kids made an effort to be a bit more less jubilant in front of mum.
It was such an emotional shift when he died and whatever happens Izzy my thoughts are with you and start storing energy and gratitude for the days ahead...keep posting your E.S.H
light and love zac
When my dad died i wanted to stand up at the funeral and tell a few truths...but that was my hate and fear of a man now dead and it would of done nothing for my mum...as it was all us kids were sitting around laughing and joking when the undertaker was there and later i had a word with him and you know a lot of people sort of knew but chose not too acknowledge that the old bugga was a bstard.....And another thing i noticed was that mum really did miss the fella even after all he had done..she was well and truely programmed into his world and how he had told her she should be.
So all us kids made an effort to be a bit more less jubilant in front of mum.
It was such an emotional shift when he died and whatever happens Izzy my thoughts are with you and start storing energy and gratitude for the days ahead...keep posting your E.S.H
light and love zac
