I've been begging my boyfriend to go to rehab. The last year he's been little more than a patient. It took a totaled truck, a DUI, and an overdose to get him there but he went. He's doing great but I'm terrified about him coming home. It's not fair that I've been taking care of everything all this time while he's been using and I just spent the money I had saved to move out on his lawyer. I can't believe that NONE of his groups in rehab dealt with what the families are going through. I have horrible guilt from enabling and putting the kids through all this, I'm resentful for losing MY life to hide his addiction and I'm especially angry that he totaled his truck not 10 minutes after dropping off my son. He's really great right now in rehab but how can I resolve these feelings so that I don't ruin it when he gets home? When I try to talk to his counselors on visiting day, I end up feeling so guilty asking about myself I just don't. This is a great step in the right direction but there's so much work ahead for me too and I feel like the work never ends. And NOBODY has asked me how I am when they've called to check on him. I don't even know how to act when he comes home. He's lied for so long. I'm afraid I'll not believe him.
Jackie, I feel I'm always at step one with dealing with this even though my son was my reason for going to Alanon nearly ten years ago. Sometimes it is easier looking in from the outside and also understanding the pain that comes from caring about an addict. With that, one thing seems obvious, one thing that I forget to tell myself, and that is that it is not your addict's job to look out for you, his friends job, nor is it your friends job to care about you. However, it is YOUR job to look out for you! You are worth that concern, love and attention. So, give this to yourself because no one else is going to do that. It is not anyone's job, but it is YOUR job to care about you, so please do so!!! It is your responsibility to love yourself and take care of yourself. If you don't feel secure letting him back in your life now, then DON'T!!! You deserve time to heal and it is HIS job to win back the trust that HIS actions took away. Unless he has his name on the lease or title, let him know that YOU are NOT ready. Who cares what his friends think and who cares what he thinks. If he wants to win back your trust, then he can work the program and do so. If he doesn't, you are wise to take care of your self and your child. Things come way too easy for an addict with their manipulation, charismatic personalities and dishonest ways. A little work will not kill him, in fact, it is most likely what he needs to get better. More importantly, it is what YOU NEED AND DESERVE.
