Hi everyone. So I wasn't going to do this but until im able to get to an alanon or naranon meeting, I have to do something because I'm out of my mind right now. My now ex boyfriend is a recovering heroin addict. We were together 2 years and just broke up. We have an almost 7 month old baby boy. I knew him for a year before we started dating but not very well. I knew he had a pretty bad past with drugs but I thought he moved on and that's just the thing.. I thought he "moved on" meaning got away from drugs and wouldn't have to worry about that lifestyle anymore. SOMEHOW, even being 27, I was not fully educated when it comes to drug use. All I knew growing up was to stay away from them because of what they do or cause you to do while you're in the addiction. Little miss naive me thought if you were long away from drugs that you would just get over it. Never did I know it was a lifelong battle and a hard one at that. Halfway through my pregnancy he relapsed and it was then that I learned what addiction truly is and also that alcoholism and addiction go hand in hand. I was a mess and felt so stuck and lost. I stuck by him though because he is one of the kindest, most generous people I've ever known. Even in active addiction he doesn't steal or cheat. His family told me he never took so much as a penny from them. he does lie about using however. Anyway he relapsed 2 more times from the first time until about a month ago. I finally had enough and told him I couldn't keep doing this so I needed space and he needed to concentrate on his recovery. He wasn't happy because obviously he wanted to be together but it just wasn't possible at the time because I needed to get better and he needed to concentrate on getting better also. WELL, as I said this all was a little less than a month ago and I just found out he met another girl who is also recovering from heroin and only has 5 months clean. WHAT THE HELL. How stupid can both of them be? Anyway, this shocked me because he never seemed like the type to do something like this and I know he loves me. It hurts bad and part of me knows I should just focus on me and our son but Im just a lot more hurt than I thought I'd be over this. I even feel like it's mostly because he found another girl. I love him but I was handling it better before I found that out. Hes not getting high, I see him everyday because of our son and he's a GREAT father. I keep looking at it like first you tore my whole entire world apart with your addiction, then you decide you want to really clean yourself up (you're at meetings every single night almost which you barely did while we dated) and now this girl is going to be the one to see you clean and living life the way you're supposed to? He says it's nothing serious but it still hurts like hell. Idk maybe this is an ego thing but I still am left here in the dust trying to clean up the mess his addiction made of my world. I know the main focus needs to be on my son and I would never go back because I love him so much, I just wish I had him with someone else at this point. Sorry for the rant.. I just really needed to get all of it out. I also apologize if I'm just rambling at certain parts. God I hate addiction. It really is the devil.
Dear Ago63104,
I am very sorry to hear this. This is too common a problem today, and sadly in relationships where children are involved.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders - in that you are putting up boundaries and expectations fo the addict; not enabling, etc.
I do hope you can make an Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Until you do, here is something that might help: You are powerless over someone else's addiction. This is the first step of the 12 that are directed to family members and loved ones.
The addict needs to find his own recovery. And, you too probably need recovery - at a minimum being around people who have walked in your shows and bring understanding, compassion, welcoming, and support. In your first meeting you will likely be presented a telephone list of people to call. You should have an opportunity to purchase the literature (there is a "big book" for codependents). Even the AA "big book" has a section for family members.
You are not alone. I don't even know you, yet have empathize and wish I could be part of the group that you connect with in codependent recovery.
There are millions of people, many near you, who are willing and eager to help a newcomer.
I mentioed the first step of codepedent recovery (came to realize we are powerless over someone else's addiction). The second and third steps identify a "higher power" who can restore you to sanity, and then making a decision to turn your life and will over to that higher power. To many people a higher power is God or Jesus, but it doesn't have to be religious in nature. A higher power could simple be the group support of people who have been there and found a better way to live. After the first 3 steps you then look at a personal inventory to identify things that cause fear, resentment, and anxiety. The 5th step involves sharing these intimate facts with a trusted person - at which point they begin to lose the hold they have on you.
I will gladly share more about my story if you wantl. I started as a codepenent mired in worry, fear, and hopelessness. There is hope. The program does work, if you work it. I encourage you to find a Sponsor who will help guide youo through the steps.
There is a solution, and I hope/pray you will find it.
Please let me know if I can share more what what i learned. I need to admit that I later became an addict myself as I was too slow to reach out for help. So, I am also a recoverying addict with 9 years of sobriety0.
There are GOOD people on this message board, and I beleieve they will have good input for you.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
Oregon
I am very sorry to hear this. This is too common a problem today, and sadly in relationships where children are involved.
It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders - in that you are putting up boundaries and expectations fo the addict; not enabling, etc.
I do hope you can make an Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Until you do, here is something that might help: You are powerless over someone else's addiction. This is the first step of the 12 that are directed to family members and loved ones.
The addict needs to find his own recovery. And, you too probably need recovery - at a minimum being around people who have walked in your shows and bring understanding, compassion, welcoming, and support. In your first meeting you will likely be presented a telephone list of people to call. You should have an opportunity to purchase the literature (there is a "big book" for codependents). Even the AA "big book" has a section for family members.
You are not alone. I don't even know you, yet have empathize and wish I could be part of the group that you connect with in codependent recovery.
There are millions of people, many near you, who are willing and eager to help a newcomer.
I mentioed the first step of codepedent recovery (came to realize we are powerless over someone else's addiction). The second and third steps identify a "higher power" who can restore you to sanity, and then making a decision to turn your life and will over to that higher power. To many people a higher power is God or Jesus, but it doesn't have to be religious in nature. A higher power could simple be the group support of people who have been there and found a better way to live. After the first 3 steps you then look at a personal inventory to identify things that cause fear, resentment, and anxiety. The 5th step involves sharing these intimate facts with a trusted person - at which point they begin to lose the hold they have on you.
I will gladly share more about my story if you wantl. I started as a codepenent mired in worry, fear, and hopelessness. There is hope. The program does work, if you work it. I encourage you to find a Sponsor who will help guide youo through the steps.
There is a solution, and I hope/pray you will find it.
Please let me know if I can share more what what i learned. I need to admit that I later became an addict myself as I was too slow to reach out for help. So, I am also a recoverying addict with 9 years of sobriety0.
There are GOOD people on this message board, and I beleieve they will have good input for you.
I hope this helps,
Flyboy
Oregon
Also, I would like to share one of the dark sides of many AA and NA meetings. There are people who are very critical of the meetings - most of the their issues are red herrings (calling it "brain washing" or focusing it on religion). I tend to believe these critics are people who still want to drink/use.
They do have one good point however. As you know there are 12 steps. There is a term called "13th stepping" which means people in recovery form romances. These meetings are full of people are are scared, broken, disconnected from healthy relationships, and in summary vulnerable. This is why I strongly recommend that men and women attend seperate meetings. A man should never sponsor a women. You are dealing with raw emotion and step work involves intimate discussion. I have seen dozens of "flings" that give AA and NA a bad name, as it only leads to more wreckage to deal with it.
I hope this helps.
Mark.
They do have one good point however. As you know there are 12 steps. There is a term called "13th stepping" which means people in recovery form romances. These meetings are full of people are are scared, broken, disconnected from healthy relationships, and in summary vulnerable. This is why I strongly recommend that men and women attend seperate meetings. A man should never sponsor a women. You are dealing with raw emotion and step work involves intimate discussion. I have seen dozens of "flings" that give AA and NA a bad name, as it only leads to more wreckage to deal with it.
I hope this helps.
Mark.
Thank you so much for your reply, Mark. It's nice to know that even a stranger cares about what I'm going through. This is an awesome site. I cannot wait to get to a meeting because I need to start feeling better, and I need to meet people going through the same thing. I need to RECOVER! Thanks again for all your insight, I can't wait to see what it's all about.
I don't hold quite the view on 13th Step that Mark does.
I don't believe that there should be separate meetings for men & women.
I was at a meeting this morning and there was 8 folks at our 1st Step table-5 men and 3 women.
It takes two to tango and just because someone is hitting on you doesn't mean you have to bite.
Predators (of either sex) are watched and confronted by the oldtimers in the groups around here, there are few "victims" unless they are willing participants.
If you are new and feel threatened just tell your sponsor or an oldtimer, they will look out for you.
There are dozens of groups and meetings in our area and only 1 womens meeting that I can think of ... and I've been around over 25 yrs.
I have many close female AA member friends and we have mutual respect for one-another. We developed that through working on recovery together.
I do recommend that folks have same-sex sponsors as many of our 4th Step inventories are sex related and should only be shared with your sponsor and oldtimers of your same sex.
At the tables, though, it is advised in The Big Book to "disclose in general" with the others in the group.
Boys & girls go to school together, work together and get sober together.
Today we even serve in the military together.
Is there affairs? .... problems? .... temptations? Certainly, but we learn to take responsibility.
All the best.
Bob R
I don't believe that there should be separate meetings for men & women.
I was at a meeting this morning and there was 8 folks at our 1st Step table-5 men and 3 women.
It takes two to tango and just because someone is hitting on you doesn't mean you have to bite.
Predators (of either sex) are watched and confronted by the oldtimers in the groups around here, there are few "victims" unless they are willing participants.
If you are new and feel threatened just tell your sponsor or an oldtimer, they will look out for you.
There are dozens of groups and meetings in our area and only 1 womens meeting that I can think of ... and I've been around over 25 yrs.
I have many close female AA member friends and we have mutual respect for one-another. We developed that through working on recovery together.
I do recommend that folks have same-sex sponsors as many of our 4th Step inventories are sex related and should only be shared with your sponsor and oldtimers of your same sex.
At the tables, though, it is advised in The Big Book to "disclose in general" with the others in the group.
Boys & girls go to school together, work together and get sober together.
Today we even serve in the military together.
Is there affairs? .... problems? .... temptations? Certainly, but we learn to take responsibility.
All the best.
Bob R
We have crossed paths before. I have 5 month-old daughter with 'script pill addicted Mom(26). I'm angry at myself for not getting the addiction thing either. The lack of trust, deciet and theft really messed up my head. My pretty, intelligent future baby Mom broke my heart so many times. I thought I could fix it. Money , determination, life experience. WORTHLESS. Couldn't get rid of her I'm responsible guy. So here I am wondering what to do. Child parenting class, therapy , nar-anon. Even court ordered aoda class. Trying to find the motivation to learn to like/love myself. Life is more difficult wiith a shattered heart. Our daughter is amazing. She needs me to be a worthy father. She(addict) is not responsible for my happiness. I Am....thanks I needed to vent...
