hi everyone. my name's melissa and i am engaged to a addict. when we began dating i didnt know he was one. he kept it so well hidden. once he came out and told me he was and that he wanted help for his heroin/crack addiction i was there for him 200%. he had some trouble with the methadone clinic he was going to everyday bc it was in the same town he would go to to buy his drugs. its seemed like the more time that went on for trying to treat his heroin addiction, the more crack he would smoke. it got to the point where he was then going to detox from methadone and then go into a 10 day rehab. he went for the 10 days 2 weeks ago. he seemed to be born again. i guess i was so nieve that i believed him.
i have caught him smoking crack 3 times this week. he says he wants to stop but its just so tempting. he crys to me and i told him i dont know if he is really upset or not bc of all the times he has lied to me before. i try to make things more managble for him like organizing his stuff (alittle goes a long way) and doing sober things together but i'm afraid he will never stop. he wants advice on how to kick it and so i told him i would ask all you guys. i go to NA meeting with him and i also go to naranon meetings. i know there is no way i can stop the addict but it hurts me more and more each day. if he loves me so much why does he lie and keep me waiting up for him with no calls or anything? i keep thinking things will change but i dont know how to deal with this right now. any advice?
thanks for listening~
Melis
Hi Melissa,
I am an addict and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. I have been with the same woman now for 30 months and when we started seeing one another she knew about some of my past use but certainly not everything. She thought it was something in my past but it resurfaced about 10 months into the relationship and has been a problem ever since.
My drug of choice is cocaine and crack and let me say this ... I have done and/or tried just about everything and this drug is by far the hardest to stop and most destructive drug I have ever encountered. The idea of him wanting to stop and just not be able to is very common. I have done some horrible things to people that I care about to continue my active addiction. It is a horrible life. You would think that when we as addicts stop using for a few days and start to see thigns clearly that the wreckage we caused would be enough on its own to stop us from gonig back. When in reality many times that very wreckage is what causes us to go right back out and use again. When I would come back from a run the pain and true sorrow I felt would be so great that I could not deal with it. And the only way I know to deal with it ... is using. Sick huh??? Yes, it is.
I have had extended periods of clean time only to go back and use again. I have switched drugs, only to go back to the crack and cocaine again. I had over 100 days clean after putting myself in a rehab and working the NA program only to allow myself to fall back into the same bad living habits that eventually caused me to pick up again.
You mentioned the lies he tells you to hide or continue his active using. That is normal. Not normal for a healthy person living a good life, but normal for an actively using addict. The lies in no way indicate what he truly feels for you. Don't get me wrong here ... I know the lies we as addicts tell ... I know how much they hurt. But you almost have to think about it like it is not him telling the lies, it is the part of his brain telling him to not only lie, but to do ANYTHING he needs to do to continue his active using. He is truly not himself when using. The NA book describes us as a Doctor Jeckyll/MR Hyde character. And I know that to be the case when it comes to my active addiction. When I am using I will do things to continue to feed the addiction that make my lies look like small misdemeanor crimes. As the active addiction continues stealing, lies, criminal behavior are not uncommon.
OK ... I am making this sound pretty bad and hopeless. But that is really not the case. All of what I have described is what happens when you fail to do the right things for recovery. When I was working the NA program, things in my life immediately got better. I made the mistake of feeling too good about all of this and stopped the daily maintenance which is needed to survive with this disease. And make no mistake about it ... it is truly a disease that takes a daily effort on ones part to keep it arrested.
The first step here is admitting to the severity of the problem he is suffering from. Than once he can realize how serious this is ... and I mean serious ... it is LIFE OR DEATH. Once he realizes that, he needs to get to meetings and ask another addict for help. I am sure he is going through things in his head right now that he would never even tell even you. He looks at himself and only sees what a horrible, bad person he is when in reality there must be some great qualities about him or you would not be here posting to find help. He needs to talk to other addicts so that he can understand he is not alone and that other people who have the same problems as him have found a new way of life. It is really a lot easier to stop using than we as addicts ever want to realize. The hard part is admitting to ourselves and to others that we need help and than actually accepting that help that will freely be given to him if he asks.
Get him to post here as well and ask his own questions. Go to the NA website and read some of the literature there to gain a better understanding of what he is going through and to help realize that again, he is not alone. Get to meetings like you mentioned and listen. Go with an open mind and a willingness to do what other addicts will share they have done.
Advice for you??? For one thing be careful not to become his enabler. There is a huge difference between helping and enabling. There is literature about that as well at different sites. Quite simply, helping is doing something possitive that will help in his recovery. Enabling is doing things that allow him to continue living his life in active addiction. Like don't be doing things that are his responsibility. We as addicts become expert manipulators to get our loved ones to do things for us that we can and should be doing on our own.
Lastly ... and I apologize for the length of this post. But I responded here because I care of your situation. Like I said when I started ... I have a girlfriend who I have put through hell as well as other family members. But my girlfriend has stuck with me and supported me through everything. That has meant so much to me. And I applaud you in your efforts in sticking with your guy as well. I know how difficult it can be from my first hand experience. I have seen the look of dissappointment on my girlfriends eyes when I have fallen each time. I have heard it in her voice. I have hurt her badly at times and each time she has shown more Love than I thought was possible. So many people are quick to judge and will tell you to leave and so on. I have never agreed with that approach. For how can anyone know your situation well enough to give such irresponsible advice based on a few posts on this website. Instead I give you credit for hanging in there as well as I will tell you to be careful. Only you know what you have in that man. And if he can seek help and recover ... things CAN change.
Good Luck!!!
Albert R.
I am an addict and I can relate to a lot of what you are saying here. I have been with the same woman now for 30 months and when we started seeing one another she knew about some of my past use but certainly not everything. She thought it was something in my past but it resurfaced about 10 months into the relationship and has been a problem ever since.
My drug of choice is cocaine and crack and let me say this ... I have done and/or tried just about everything and this drug is by far the hardest to stop and most destructive drug I have ever encountered. The idea of him wanting to stop and just not be able to is very common. I have done some horrible things to people that I care about to continue my active addiction. It is a horrible life. You would think that when we as addicts stop using for a few days and start to see thigns clearly that the wreckage we caused would be enough on its own to stop us from gonig back. When in reality many times that very wreckage is what causes us to go right back out and use again. When I would come back from a run the pain and true sorrow I felt would be so great that I could not deal with it. And the only way I know to deal with it ... is using. Sick huh??? Yes, it is.
I have had extended periods of clean time only to go back and use again. I have switched drugs, only to go back to the crack and cocaine again. I had over 100 days clean after putting myself in a rehab and working the NA program only to allow myself to fall back into the same bad living habits that eventually caused me to pick up again.
You mentioned the lies he tells you to hide or continue his active using. That is normal. Not normal for a healthy person living a good life, but normal for an actively using addict. The lies in no way indicate what he truly feels for you. Don't get me wrong here ... I know the lies we as addicts tell ... I know how much they hurt. But you almost have to think about it like it is not him telling the lies, it is the part of his brain telling him to not only lie, but to do ANYTHING he needs to do to continue his active using. He is truly not himself when using. The NA book describes us as a Doctor Jeckyll/MR Hyde character. And I know that to be the case when it comes to my active addiction. When I am using I will do things to continue to feed the addiction that make my lies look like small misdemeanor crimes. As the active addiction continues stealing, lies, criminal behavior are not uncommon.
OK ... I am making this sound pretty bad and hopeless. But that is really not the case. All of what I have described is what happens when you fail to do the right things for recovery. When I was working the NA program, things in my life immediately got better. I made the mistake of feeling too good about all of this and stopped the daily maintenance which is needed to survive with this disease. And make no mistake about it ... it is truly a disease that takes a daily effort on ones part to keep it arrested.
The first step here is admitting to the severity of the problem he is suffering from. Than once he can realize how serious this is ... and I mean serious ... it is LIFE OR DEATH. Once he realizes that, he needs to get to meetings and ask another addict for help. I am sure he is going through things in his head right now that he would never even tell even you. He looks at himself and only sees what a horrible, bad person he is when in reality there must be some great qualities about him or you would not be here posting to find help. He needs to talk to other addicts so that he can understand he is not alone and that other people who have the same problems as him have found a new way of life. It is really a lot easier to stop using than we as addicts ever want to realize. The hard part is admitting to ourselves and to others that we need help and than actually accepting that help that will freely be given to him if he asks.
Get him to post here as well and ask his own questions. Go to the NA website and read some of the literature there to gain a better understanding of what he is going through and to help realize that again, he is not alone. Get to meetings like you mentioned and listen. Go with an open mind and a willingness to do what other addicts will share they have done.
Advice for you??? For one thing be careful not to become his enabler. There is a huge difference between helping and enabling. There is literature about that as well at different sites. Quite simply, helping is doing something possitive that will help in his recovery. Enabling is doing things that allow him to continue living his life in active addiction. Like don't be doing things that are his responsibility. We as addicts become expert manipulators to get our loved ones to do things for us that we can and should be doing on our own.
Lastly ... and I apologize for the length of this post. But I responded here because I care of your situation. Like I said when I started ... I have a girlfriend who I have put through hell as well as other family members. But my girlfriend has stuck with me and supported me through everything. That has meant so much to me. And I applaud you in your efforts in sticking with your guy as well. I know how difficult it can be from my first hand experience. I have seen the look of dissappointment on my girlfriends eyes when I have fallen each time. I have heard it in her voice. I have hurt her badly at times and each time she has shown more Love than I thought was possible. So many people are quick to judge and will tell you to leave and so on. I have never agreed with that approach. For how can anyone know your situation well enough to give such irresponsible advice based on a few posts on this website. Instead I give you credit for hanging in there as well as I will tell you to be careful. Only you know what you have in that man. And if he can seek help and recover ... things CAN change.
Good Luck!!!
Albert R.
dear albert,
thank you so much for your reply! i have posted on here before and have never recieved a reply as hertfelt and understanding as yours. i do love him and we go to meetings but its very hard right now. i am not a enabler. i encourage him and praise him for being clean (when he is) as much as i possibly can. when he disappears all day or is 3 hours late showing up to my house, i know where he is. i try to just keep myself busy. i will take what you said to heart and i know he is better then these drugs that have such a poweful hold over him. thank you for listening to me and helping me understand better. good luck!
~melis
thank you so much for your reply! i have posted on here before and have never recieved a reply as hertfelt and understanding as yours. i do love him and we go to meetings but its very hard right now. i am not a enabler. i encourage him and praise him for being clean (when he is) as much as i possibly can. when he disappears all day or is 3 hours late showing up to my house, i know where he is. i try to just keep myself busy. i will take what you said to heart and i know he is better then these drugs that have such a poweful hold over him. thank you for listening to me and helping me understand better. good luck!
~melis
also albert..........do you have im or a email?
Hi Melissa,
I also post on ... crackrecovery.com ... if you want to check that site out. My name there is Finally_Alive and your boyfriend could Private Message me there anytime if you had something to ask of if I could help you in any way.
Albert R.
I also post on ... crackrecovery.com ... if you want to check that site out. My name there is Finally_Alive and your boyfriend could Private Message me there anytime if you had something to ask of if I could help you in any way.
Albert R.
Hello Melissa and Albert. Great posts. This topic hits home for me. I married an addict. She hid her "secret life" very well. I knew nothing about drugs so I was an easy fool for her and her using friends. She went through a treatment program for cocaine and alcohol abuse. She was off to a good start. We were married 6 months after she had completed her in- patient program. I am no expert on this subject but I have learned quite a bit the hard way. Right before we married she had some slips which is not uncommon. She did, however, quit her sponsor and stopped going to meetings. We used to go to meetings together and they were great for the both of us. Now that we were officially married she began going out with "friends" that I have never met. I never told her where she could or could not go, I am not that way. She would go out and not come home. She would tell me she was just the designated driver and she would be home shortly after 2am. She ended up staying at a hotel instead of coming home. She would go to bar hopping and then end up at a house where alcohol and coke are readily available. This happened 3 times in the first 3 months of our marriage. What happened to the "people, places, and things" she was to ignore and stay away from? They don't have NA,CA, or AA meetings in bars,hotel rooms, or at other peoples houses. She just gave up and all the lies started again. Many,many lies. She refused to go to counceling saying that I have a problem, not her. I have two kids from a previous marriage so I was home with them on these nights when she had her all night marathons.I just can't stand to be lied to and they aren't even good lies. I can see right through them. Sadly, in one month, we have our final court date. I had to change my home and cell numbers since one of her coke feen girlfriends called and began harrassing me and told me that I was out and they were back together again. She gave up her marriage for drugs. Her life is out of control. I understand it is a disease, but it is a self inflicted disease. She does not admit to doing anything wrong. Our relationship fell apart so fast it is hard to believe. It all started when she quit her sponsor and the meetings. I am devastated. Thanks for the chance to get some things off my chest. Tim from Illinois
I used herion for over 35 yrs ,went to methadone then got off both. I tried crack to for a while.Herion is more physically addicting to get off.Crack is ALL mental.I went through withdrawls from herion and methadone .Crack can be licked if you dont think about it or hang out with people who do it.If you got $1000 in the bank you will spend it all or stop only when you go 3 or 4 days without sleep.It will make you lie ,pawn mothers jewlery, steal.Its the worst drug i ever did and will make you homeless and broke quick.It seems like once your addicted to a drug and do quit you just go to another drug. I quit herion and methadone just to go on to crack.When i stoped crack i went back to methadone.you have to hit rock bottom before you really want to stop.I wish i was born in the 30s or 40s before drugs were so wide spread.I had to become a teenanger in the 60s.just my luck
