whenever I make a big step forward in my recovery - like last night I did my Step 3 with my sponsor - I feel great at first then over the next day or so I also start to panic and freak out.
I have noticed this is a pattern with me - step forward, or breakthrough and then start to panic, which often leads to self-sabotage.
I would be really interested to know if anyone else experiences this and if so what techniques are you using to over come it. Also any insights into why my mind is reacting that way.
I don't have any specific thoughts of drinking or anything I just feel panicky and like I want to escape - its weird.
Idgie
i feel for you...whenever i get clean time and am doing the next right thing i.e. meetings, calling other AA friends, etc...i feel great but then when everything is going great in my life i unintentionally distruct by drinking again and losing more than what i had...its like i felt i shouldn't be happy...i know going into rehab this weekend and/or next week will give me more guidance and hopefully help me to stay clean now and forever...i really have no suggestions except when you feel that way make sure to make a meeting, talk about even more....it always helped me! when i took that direction that is! and talking to your higher power which for me is "God." it never fails handed over to that higher power when you feel you cannot handle it yourself..
i wish you the best
hugs,
jules
i wish you the best
hugs,
jules
hi Jules
thanks for replying - I am trying to figure out why I have this pattern in my life.
The good news is now I am a LOT better at working through those feelings without acting on them. But I still want to learn more coping techniques to keep myself safe.
I actually have no desire to drink right now, but still get the panicky feelings - its almost like the disease of alcoholism has a life of its own and when you start to get on top of it, it wants to fight back by playing tricks on your mind.
I think for me part of it is fear of failure - I know I'm making great strides in positive change but something inside of me says - it won't last, you know you're going to fail soon, and the further you go up the harder you will come down.
My goal is just to learn about all these thoughts and behaviours as part of my recovery so I can one day be free of them.
All the best to you Jules, I sure hope you are able to make this rehab work for you and get your feet firmly on the path to recovery - keep us up to date on your progress.
Idgie
PS edited to say - thanks for reminding me to "hand it over" I have to constantly practise doing that with many things in my life.
thanks for replying - I am trying to figure out why I have this pattern in my life.
The good news is now I am a LOT better at working through those feelings without acting on them. But I still want to learn more coping techniques to keep myself safe.
I actually have no desire to drink right now, but still get the panicky feelings - its almost like the disease of alcoholism has a life of its own and when you start to get on top of it, it wants to fight back by playing tricks on your mind.
I think for me part of it is fear of failure - I know I'm making great strides in positive change but something inside of me says - it won't last, you know you're going to fail soon, and the further you go up the harder you will come down.
My goal is just to learn about all these thoughts and behaviours as part of my recovery so I can one day be free of them.
All the best to you Jules, I sure hope you are able to make this rehab work for you and get your feet firmly on the path to recovery - keep us up to date on your progress.
Idgie
PS edited to say - thanks for reminding me to "hand it over" I have to constantly practise doing that with many things in my life.
Hi Idgie, you said you thought part of it was fear of failure. Could it be fear of success? Fear of the unknown? I know I'm happy to be sober, but I'm finding it rather unfamiliar as well... exciting and scary at the same time...
I'm afraid I don't have any wise or insightful to say but I thought I'd chime in with these few thoughts...
One day at a time.... Cookster
I'm afraid I don't have any wise or insightful to say but I thought I'd chime in with these few thoughts...
One day at a time.... Cookster
Morning Idgie...
I can relate to those feelings you described and I still get in those funks but today I am able to realize most of it is fear based and for me, I used/abused drugs and alcohol for a very long time and the old behaviors still are there but getting better each day and I see the progress and the change...Change is a scary word for this alkie and I realize that the unknown brings fear but as I walk through the fear, I grow...For me, I have learned to have faith, even when the negative talking starts up in my head, I stop and pray and have faith that God will take care of things and then he does...slowly the faith is turning to trust and even when I'm down, and life is coming at me in different directions, I no longer feel alone and I know I am having to walk through the uncomfortable changes to get to the other side and once I'm there, life is beautiful again...
There's a song that I love that goes like this..."Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride" Not every day is going to be roses but by going through the difficult times too, it sure can open me up to enjoy the good days to the fullest...
Keep doing the next right thing...I'm right with you on the steps and I know working on the 4th step is bringing to the surface things I drank/used over so I am being gentle and forgiving with myself, going slow and talking with my sponsor and friends and I'm doing a lot of praying...
Thanks for sharing Idgie and thanks for letting me share...
(((hugs)))
Stacey
I can relate to those feelings you described and I still get in those funks but today I am able to realize most of it is fear based and for me, I used/abused drugs and alcohol for a very long time and the old behaviors still are there but getting better each day and I see the progress and the change...Change is a scary word for this alkie and I realize that the unknown brings fear but as I walk through the fear, I grow...For me, I have learned to have faith, even when the negative talking starts up in my head, I stop and pray and have faith that God will take care of things and then he does...slowly the faith is turning to trust and even when I'm down, and life is coming at me in different directions, I no longer feel alone and I know I am having to walk through the uncomfortable changes to get to the other side and once I'm there, life is beautiful again...
There's a song that I love that goes like this..."Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride" Not every day is going to be roses but by going through the difficult times too, it sure can open me up to enjoy the good days to the fullest...
Keep doing the next right thing...I'm right with you on the steps and I know working on the 4th step is bringing to the surface things I drank/used over so I am being gentle and forgiving with myself, going slow and talking with my sponsor and friends and I'm doing a lot of praying...
Thanks for sharing Idgie and thanks for letting me share...
(((hugs)))
Stacey
Dear Idgie, I think part of whats happening to you is that sometimes the brain just doesn't fire it's neurons correctly. And this stinkin thinkin is just the beast that doesn't want to die quietly. That part of you is the disease speaking, panicking & feeling over whelmed when your learning knew ways to live healthier. I think many of us Alkies lived so long in the negative that we became used to thinking we are failures. So, we just have to retrain our thinking to be more positive,this takes time & practice. And thank God your not drinking over it WHOHOO! Old habits don't always die easy. I to have those panicky feelings @ times. This is a technique I've learned at rehab I hope it helps,it has helped me. When the panic anxiety comes on take 4 deep slow breaths look at a clock. You will notice the panic starts out slow then reaches it's high intensity peak then it begins to taper down. Notice this panicky feeling only last for 2-3 minutes, even though at the time it feels like forever. I also visualize daffodails & try to smell their light sweet fragrance. I was told to look around & see that nothing really bad was happening to me, that I'm ok. I keep reminding myself that I'm ok. I've noticed they don't last long but come again sometimes at quicker intervals. I ask God to help me to hold me & thank him for his help. I try to identify if there was something that triggered the attack & sometimes there is & sometimes there isn't. When there's no particular reason I chalk it up to brain chemistry a little out of whack. But the great thing is it to shall pass. It also helps me to get busy & do something. For me a I clean, I cook, I take the dog for a walk, I listen to soothing music,I fold the laundry, I eat a little protein. But the place I find the most comfort is in the Bible, Psalms & Proverbs really help me to focus & calm down. Another analogy from rehab. When I think of a car my brain see's tires, the steering wheel, the seats etc. My emotions, feelings ,my heart feels how fun it is to drive this beautiful sports car to the beach. I can file my thoughts & feelings into a filing cabinet. My mindfullness can then learn to seperate thoughts & feelings. I think this exercise is to help seperate thoughts & feelings so that I can behave in healthier way. I'm new at this so forgive me if this doesn't make sense. Idgie I hope this helps & forgive me if you think I'm out of line here, or this is not to your liking or, beliefs. Thanks for replying on the not 12 either to me. I needed to be reminded about the surrenders, the miracles & especially God loves me unconditionally. Wishing you a great day! Love, Chris
Hey Idgie...I went through and still go through some "freaking" when I "grow"...its change...and it can be scary even though we want it...It's new...its different...I was always told and still am by my therapist that it is normal....Its part of the growing pains...I pray...and talk about it...and it does get better...Congrats on all the good work and sobriety! And I loved your picture!
Love Gina
Love Gina
wow! What great responses - I just love the recovery on this board.
Cookster - your comment about fear of success really hit me hard, I thought about that on and off all night. I think you have really struck a nerve there. Its like all the plans and ideas, dreams and goals I've always had, it was my drinking that held me back now if I'm sober what excuse do I have not to move forward in my life? Hmmmmmm.
Stacey - yes you are also right it is ALL fear based on some level. I guess I figured the panic should come in the beginning not afterwards LOL - I always did manage to get things arse backwards LOL.
My faith and trust is developing slowly - it takes time because I'm so used to being let down all the time (by myself and the other alcoholic in my life). I know logically that its not possible for God to let me down but I'm still fearful of it anyway. My sponsor told me that the third step is not a once off thing but a daily practise and she is so right.
You are a great inspiration Stacey.
Cookster - your comment about fear of success really hit me hard, I thought about that on and off all night. I think you have really struck a nerve there. Its like all the plans and ideas, dreams and goals I've always had, it was my drinking that held me back now if I'm sober what excuse do I have not to move forward in my life? Hmmmmmm.
Stacey - yes you are also right it is ALL fear based on some level. I guess I figured the panic should come in the beginning not afterwards LOL - I always did manage to get things arse backwards LOL.
My faith and trust is developing slowly - it takes time because I'm so used to being let down all the time (by myself and the other alcoholic in my life). I know logically that its not possible for God to let me down but I'm still fearful of it anyway. My sponsor told me that the third step is not a once off thing but a daily practise and she is so right.
You are a great inspiration Stacey.
Hi looking up
thanks for sharing all that - glad I'm not the only one panicking!! Yes it does all come back to the same things over and over again doesn't it? I can't expect to heal 17+ years of bad habits, negative thinking, fear, failure, drinking in just a short period of time.
What happens is the panicking tends to get me far away from mindfullness and God and my mind starts speeding up and I can't focus on things and my attention span is about 2 seconds. I used to do some meditation breathing techniques, I think I will go get that book out again and start doing those - you know I used to have a big note up on my computer that just said "don't forget to breathe" - people thought I was nuts - but honestly I needed the reminder!!!
Yup I need little things to centre myself - when I get panicky I can't even remember to say the serenity prayer.
Gina - thanks for that its good to know its a "normal" part of growing and change. I hope all is well in your life.
Love Idgie
thanks for sharing all that - glad I'm not the only one panicking!! Yes it does all come back to the same things over and over again doesn't it? I can't expect to heal 17+ years of bad habits, negative thinking, fear, failure, drinking in just a short period of time.
What happens is the panicking tends to get me far away from mindfullness and God and my mind starts speeding up and I can't focus on things and my attention span is about 2 seconds. I used to do some meditation breathing techniques, I think I will go get that book out again and start doing those - you know I used to have a big note up on my computer that just said "don't forget to breathe" - people thought I was nuts - but honestly I needed the reminder!!!
Yup I need little things to centre myself - when I get panicky I can't even remember to say the serenity prayer.
Gina - thanks for that its good to know its a "normal" part of growing and change. I hope all is well in your life.
Love Idgie
