Hi everyone, I am new here and I am in desperate need of advice because I really feel like I am losing my mind and losing hope of ever being happy and escaping the situation that I'm in. I am going to tell you my story, but in all honesty, I don't even know if any of it matters. I know what I should do and I want to do, I just don't know how. And please forgive me, as I could truly write a book, but I will try my best not to.
I am 46, I have been married to my 44 year old addict husband for 16 years now and he has been addicted to a couple different drugs for as long as I have known him. When we met, we fell deeply in love, had a great connection, tons of intimacy, did lots of things together, talked about everything and anything, and I felt like I found the man of my dreams, he was the man of my dreams.
We used GHB together on the weekends and for me, that was great because I hated drinking and everything about it... Hangover lasted for days, blackouts on occasion, and total loss of control. GHB made it easy to maintain a nice buzz with no loss of control and no hang over. However, I was a social drug user, he was a functional, every day addict. Time went on, we got pregnant, I quit, he didn't, resentments grew, arguments grew, lies started, trust was lost. I became the controlling, non trusting, miserable codependent and he withdrew, lied a lot about nothing and anything, and created a lot of distance between us to continue his drug use. I complained, felt totally unloved and unwanted and he took all of my complaints as "I suck and nothing will ever good enough"... The vicious cycle of dysfunction and incorrect perceptions of our sicknesses continued this way until we had our second child. One year later, he cheated on me, said it was the drug addiction and his incorrect perceptions of everything that convinced him that I didn't love him anyways and that was his way to sabotage everything so he wouldn't have to quit his drugs. I eventually forgave him, but never really trusted him. He said he would quit, did quit (so I thought), went to therapy for a little while. We went to therapy together for a while too. I forgave him for the cheating because I saw how much it ruined him after. He hated himself and was filled with so much guilt. And he didn't use GHB anymore.
Life continued on for 10 years, I still loved him so much. We built a life together that was very big on the outside, we were the perfect couple in the eyes of the people in the industry we were in and sometimes I tried to believe it. Our very successful nutrition store business grew from 1 tiny little store to now 12 stores, plus an online store. We both successfully competed as pro fitness athletes and were both very physically fit, so we looked like the perfect couple. Unfortunately, it was all a big facade.... He was using opiates the entire time, worked long hours to hide the drug use from me and to avoid any and all reality and thought. He became a master at being functional with his drug use and a master at manipulating everyone into thinking he was great because he was so successful and he was and is so likable and charming. At home, he was never present in any sense of the word. He was always "in a rut" as he would say. I felt like a single parent. I did everything alone, I took care of the kids and everything and everyone, and I tried to convince myself that it was okay because he was the one working. But, I still felt so lonely, lost, and unloved and was extremely resentful and hurt. My complaints were all taken as personal attacks on him, as he thought he was doing everything to "give me everything a girl could ever want", when all I ever wanted was a connection with him and to feel loved by him. He was my ultimate provider and that was it
His resentment toward me grew, as he thought that nothing he did would ever be good enough and all I ever did was make him feel bad about himself because I was always disappointed in him. The fact that he was also a using drug addict and NOBODY knew, not even me, didn't help either. I knew that he wasn't in recovery, but I saw no suspicion of intoxication. His hatred for himself grew so big from being such a fraud and he blamed me for it.
Fast forward to 3 years ago... He came to me one day and told me that he thought we should split up because I was so unhappy with him. I was in shock because after everything I had put up with, and that all I complained about was wanting more of him, how could he think that I didn't love him? Shortly after that, he finally confessed to someone that he was a fraud and was still using, that someone was another woman that I knew. Said woman was told that their friendship had to be kept secret from me because I wouldn't approve of it, but in actuality it was because she knew his secret and didn't want me to find out. Well... Us codependents have amazing gut instincts and detective skills and I found out. I was devastated, thinking that he cheated again. It was cheating because it was another betrayal. He admitted why, told me about hi on going drug use and facade, went to therapy again, promised to quit, faked quitting even, I pressed the issue, he gave me dates of when he was going to quit, he resented me more, blamed me more. I fell apart, became so un-trusting and insecure. I should have left, because what happened next almost killed me. It's hard for me still to even write it.
We hired a girl at our store a few days a week, she was only 18, all the gross men gawked at her, my husband told me how gross they were because she was a child. He worked a lot, I got more insecure because she was there. When I voiced my insecurities, he told me I was crazy and should have therapy more often because I was getting worse, not better. He belittled me. He had me become friends with her, had our children become friendly with her too. Had me start working at the store with her there too to prove that I had nothing to be insecure about. My gut told me otherwise, but I felt bad for putting him under so much stress with my low self esteem and insecurities. Well, I was right and found out the hard way. One or more of his employees (my friend too) knew the whole time and kept it from me. It happened at the store that I co-own and was working at. After I found out, I lost it, called him a pedophile in front of our kids, kicked him out, told them as nicely as I could what happened, and I walked around like a crying zombie for weeks. I also turned to the one thing that I NEVER, ever thought I would - drugs. I became a drug addict just like him, even stole his drugs. He was angry, didn't have any sympathy for me at all, got mad at me for being so devastated, I had to beg him to fire her. It was so dysfunctional and I was so incapable of anything. He went back and saw her after I found out, eventually broke it off physically, but continued talking to her behind my back for a while. I was a train wreck for a long time, and eventually took him back because I couldn't function alone for a very long time.
It has been almost 2 years since I found out and possibly a year since he had any contact with her, but I'm not sure they don't still communicate. He used disposable phones and I can't step foot in the store anymore because of the trauma, so who knows. I am now functioning pretty well, I go to therapy once a week, work full time at a place I love and am mostly rational and it disgusts me to even tell my story and say that I am still with him. We live under the same roof, talk about nothing but kid schedules, work things, small talk, and have very non-intimate sex once in a while. I am still in the same place as I was before, but even more alone now because we can't talk about anything real. He is still using and still the ultimate provider.
I try to tell him that I don't want to be with him anymore, he turns it into a defense and an argument and then we both just don't talk and it just blows over. It's been so long since when I found out, that the kids see me as the bad guy now because I start the arguments and he says nothing. I do all the discipline, he does all the play. I am miserable because I don't want this to be my life, I am with a person who disgusts me morally and is everything I never wanted in a man, husband or father. He doesn't get it, nobody around him gets it or does anything but enable him and reinforce to him that it's me that is the problem and I think my kids think that too. Our son knows that he is an addict, our daughter doesn't, but like everyone else, our son doesn't really see the addiction. His dad's disconnect is normal to him and he is never "high".
Sometimes I just want to run away and leave it all because it feels as though it is me that is the one who is upsetting everything and if I would just leave him alone, let the past stay in the past, there would be no dysfunction. He says he isn't hurting anyone with his addiction because he never seems high and he's successful with business, but that's not true. His connection with the kids is joking and making fun, and coaching our daughter's soccer, but that's it. There is no emotionally normalcy or connection here and our family feels very disconnected and dysfunctional to me. He and I can co-exist fine, if there is no "real" communication, but that's not what I want. I don't know how to change things while living under the same roof or if that's even possible to do. I try to live for me, but I don't think I am at all.
I apologize for the length of the post, but I think I needed to verbally vomit, sorry! I would appreciate any and all feedback. I know I need help, I know I need al-anon and CoDa, but where I live the meetings are scarce and mostly at times when I am at work. I do online meetings, therapy, read a ton and I went to a recovery center for 3 weeks last year, but I feel like I need to live at one permanently sometimes. I need help, I don't want to leave my kids in this unhealthy situation, I don't want to leave them or my house and I don't want to argue any more. I am not in love with him anymore and I don't think he is a good person. He is not the same person I married, he is not present, he has lost himself completely and lives his life doing everything out of guilt and shame, not want or love.
I am so fearful of wasting more time just "coasting" with him.
Thanks for reading.
I think you should find the courage to leave. Easy for me to say,I know. My boyfriend is an addict. He promises to stop over n over but never does for more than 4 days. I don't know how hard it is and I never will I hope. What I do know is the drugs take everything they have and even there thoughts and feelings. You need to go and try and save you own sanity. I have t turned to drugs though the thought crossed my mind to see what all the fuss is about then I maybe understand it more... Crazy thoughts go hand in hand with these situations. So ive turned to self harm. No body knows. It's my way of coping. He is a lovely person, everything about him is perfect apart from the drugs. I'm watching him waste his life away and gets a little more desperate for drugs at times and hits a new low.i see myself as someone who feels unloved though he does anything I ask of him other than gets clean, he tries but can't manage. Says this will take time n time again to get off it. I would do anything for him and my mind is constantly analysing his words and moves asking myself if he does really love me or if it's the drugs. Is it the fact that he has a house and a girlfriend taht looks ideal to the world , is that why he is here? Helping him cover up the truth. Please get yourself out, long term you will be thankful. Some addicts are beyond help sad to say. God bless
I have been going through the hell of addiction with my daughter. My counsellor told me when I am sick and tired of being sick and tired then I will be willing to make a change.
I have become addicted to her addictions, to her homelessness, to the fear of her dying. Slowly I am learning to put the focus back on myself. Progress not perfection. Somedays are liveable....others it is difficult to get out of bed.
I encourage you to go online to alanon meetings as well if you can get to some in person. With meetings and readings it gets you in a more stable phase to start putting the focus back on yourself and your kids and the clarity to make the best decisions for yourself.
One moment at a time....you can do it!
I have become addicted to her addictions, to her homelessness, to the fear of her dying. Slowly I am learning to put the focus back on myself. Progress not perfection. Somedays are liveable....others it is difficult to get out of bed.
I encourage you to go online to alanon meetings as well if you can get to some in person. With meetings and readings it gets you in a more stable phase to start putting the focus back on yourself and your kids and the clarity to make the best decisions for yourself.
One moment at a time....you can do it!
