Castleache

I'm moving his post so it won't get lost... I replied to his first one. Help me out here guys.


Castlerache Posted: April 28, 2010, 1:48 AM



Posts: 117
Joined: March 22, 2010



I want to be dead.
Castleache,

Perhaps all of us have felt that deep despair at some point. The good news is...we don't have to stay that way. Ask for help. Speak to your doctor - don't wait.
There is a ton of support, knowledge, and love on this site.
Keep posting - share with us what's going on.

Donna
CastleAche, please talk to us- let us know how u r doing. I don't know u but I really am concerned and care about you. The same is true for the others here. We have all been desperate. I have been to the brink more then once.

Others, sometimes strangers who were sometimes the only ones I felt safe talking to, have helped me.

At times I have had insurmoutable problems and feeling that I could find no answer to. But I was surprised at how much others helped. First there was comfort and release and relief, knowing I was not alone & the possiblilty of something was there. Then I began to see hope & answers. My problems were insurmountable only when I kept them locked up inside myself.

Please check in. We are really reaching out as best we can to you. Grab out hands.
Rachel...
No you don't...do NOT go there. And even if that's how you feel in this moment, you will not feel that way always. I am going to look for your post in which you sounded so positive...

DO NOT GIVE UP...we are here for you.

Did your BF take your relapse badly? This too will pass, even if it doesn't feel that way now...

Come on back and talk.

Love you ~ M&M
She's usually on the H board...been in a bad relapse...feeling really down...BF not 'getting' her struggle.
I don't know anything about his/her story but I do remember the statement"I want to be dead". All I can really add is that I think the majority of us have wanted that at some point in our addiction.

It's real important to be aware that this is a feeling that will go away.I think we all hope you don't take any physical action because you feel this way right now.

It is something that is temporary but if you really start planning anything that you immediately call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255): It's open 24/7 and is free.They can also give you telephone numbers you can call about substance abuse.

Other than that,I really don't know what to say to you.You might want to give us some history about what's going on in your life.Writing all of it down could be a big help to you and then more people could give you some feedback.
Posted by Rachel a few weeks ago:
QUOTE
Today is a new day with endless posibilities. I choose to live a life full to the brim with laughter, my caring partner, our dreams in the sky, rather than give in to this insidious poison. Together we can have a wonderful future together. We are looking at buying our own land and building our own place together. Have kids, living life to the full. This can't be done with heroin in my life, pretending it is my best friend and wants the best for me. I will not listen and I will choose LIFE.


Come on, Rachel..try to remember these feelings...
Rache,

I'm always here for you as you've been for me. My life is one big disaster area at the moment too but it's slowly sorting itself out. Don't be so down on yourself. I know that the guilt, the sense of failure and utter hopelessnss can be overwhelming but reach out to one of us.

You have my email which you've used on many occasions to comfort me. Now let me return the courtesy. (I'll even throw in a pikky of my little girl that you love so much).

Get in touch Rache ok.

really rooting for you,

Reshie
i felt the same way dec 01 09..... and i did take my life...GOD interered and brought me back...what a miracle.. im 51 years old and for the first time in my life GODis in my heart....so i understand how you feel please just think about one of the smallest thing that you can be greatfull for and hang on to it.... with my prayer and other people praying for you it will make a differents even if you dont see it immidiatly. hang in there... GODbless you....
Castlerache-I just went to the heroin board and read your story.It gives me a little better perspective about what's going on.

Wow.I do understand a bit more and will try and give you some feedback.One thing that you said was
QUOTE
Yes, I want him to know. I need him to know and tell me that it's okay that he still loves me and we'll get through it together. But it wouldn't happen like that.


I have to agree with you.It probably won't happen like that.What you're doing is expecting him to be a part of your recovery.Sometimes that does happen and when it does,it's great.Many people on here have had spouses,lovers,families etc. stand by their partners through the whole process.MomNmore has done it with her daughter.Lisa has done it with her son.Tina has done it with her husband and there are many more who have not given up.The end result is usually even a tighter bond and is invaluable to the person recovering.

However,it's not a perfect world and unfortunately there are as many addicts who have burned their bridges with family and partners to the point there will be no support.I was such a case and know many others who are too.Even with long term sobriety,the damage caused is irreparable.I can't say your situation will be like that or not but doing harm to yourself will not change anything.The cycle of life will continue and your boyfriend will probably just find another addict.It sounds like that's his pattern and that is a sickness all it's own.

Let's forget about him a second and talk about you.You've obviously relapsed and are in a state of depression.I think I did read you were on a Suboxone program.When you are in withdrawls,I would pick myself up and start back up with that.That will immediately stop the w/d's and may also take care of most of the depression for now.I would try and remove myself from the current situation with the boyfriend and all the harsh criticism.You need some people around you that will give you support.Have you ever tried Narcotics Anonymous? Click this link My Webpage and look for a meeting near you.The people there will give you support and phone numbers to help facilitate your recovery.Nobody is going to judge you.

At this point you do not need anybody around you using dope,selling dope or trying to lay guilt trips on you.It may be the hardest thing you've done in your life but just tell your boyfriend "If you can't support a different way,then you are in the way".This is about life and death and not a moral issue.If this guy truly loves you,then that is not going anywhere.If he believe he's losing some sort of power over you,well.....he is.Ironically,it's only because you gave him that power.It's time for you to take it back and that alone will empower you.

If you choose to have him in your life no matter what the conditions are then nothing will change.The gear will always be calling your name.Staying on dope will buffer the situation until you either overdose on some purer junk you anticipated,or end up in prison.

I hope you choose life.
Bumping up for Rachel, so she can read Tim's wisdom and see how many peeps care. She's back, but struggling.

Thanks, Cowgirl for reaching out, you rule.
Guys, thank you so much. I've had a horrible few days. Last night I went to take all the pills in the house with alcohol but was stopped (unknowingly) by my partner who came back into the room. It's the first time I've come that close to it....

I have a long, long history of depression, so it's not new to me. I should be stronger than this as I'm plenty used to it. I'm used to not being supported and being on my own, so it should present no problem being that way now.

Thank you for all of the support on here. I'm sorry to have caused such a huge fuss and to have worried everyone.

Thanks for all you wrote, Tim. My partner doesn't use and comes from a background where if someone messes with you, then you mess with them especially when it comes to family. In his mind he's threatened my guy that if he ever sells to me again he's dead. So now he's making good on his promise. Supposedly to keep me safe and make me think twice next time (punishment). Whatever protestations I make just means that I obviously want to keep using.

I am trying to keep this about my recovery and to keep focussed. But it's really hard at times, especially when my partner always focuses on the negative and is busy telling me how I've let everyone down (in a million more words than that, so as to make me feel completely useless).

I have always been completely honest with him, telling him how I felt, etc. I've done nothing to deserve burning of bridges except for scoring once after six weeks (as far as he knows) of being clean. So I just feel like I'm being punished for trying hard.

....Oh my goodness.... I'm at work and just got some flowers delivered to me from a work colleague who knows I'm struggling--she doesn't even live in the same state as me!! So I am finishing this post with a smile, and support from an unexpected quarter. :)
Castlerache-Well essentially it all comes down to what do you want to do? Forget about all this other drama going on.It's not important whether your significant other understands addiction or not.You are not the one to educate him.He only sees what's going on at the moment and I understand his frustration because we are a pain in the a** to deal with when we're actively invoved in using and then not using.

The key here is to get help if you want it.You might not want to even get clean right now,I have no way of knowing that? The first step will be to extricate yourself either physically or mentally from the dynamics that are causing all these barriers and get help,regardless of other's opinions.

Unless you are underage and living at home,which is not the case,you are an adult with a job and has the power to call the shots about their own life.

I hope you get some resolution.
I called my parents last night and had a catch-up chat which was good, even though they don't know anything about me using or my struggles in that area.

I've been doing my best to surround myself with positives. Had a very good talk with my partner last night and I do feel very loved. He successfully got rid of my main source so is protecting me in that way (and thankfully no one got hurt). And he said he would try to be more open-minded and not put me in a box with his ex-gf.

I need to book in to see my counsellor and the doctor. I also need to call the solicitor about the bullying that I went through in my previous workplace as none of this would have happened if it wasn't for that.
Bump for Castlereach