The past couple days I've been cultivating a resentment and it surfaced this morning. Today is my spouse's birthday. In the past I've done everything--lavish gifts, massages, dinners, etc., and I managed to build up huge resentments and contempt because I deserved at least the same treatment--but it never came. I found this out only in working my 4th and 5th Steps, btw.
The past few days I thought I had a problem with her and it bothered me because I believed I'd buried the resentment. After giving it over to my Higher Power, I've found that it's my selfishness--over nothing in particular--and I think I'm okay now. It's becoming very easy to for me to realize, today, when I'm not centered and I don't need to scarf up anything I can to feed the addictions. Getting it back between the lines is difficult sometimes, but usually it's within me to do it and, when I can not seem to get my head around it in identifying it, I'm finding that if I can let go of it the problem is suddenly very easy to identify and, like usual, it's generally the plank in MY eye....
I'm an alcoholic.
Hi skg. It's strange that you should bring up the topic of resentment toward your spouse in your post.(or maybe it was meant to be) I felt a lot of resentment this morning toward my husband. Actually I was going to post about it but now that I've read your post I will reply to you.I have NO idea why I was boiling over with resentment this morning and it seems to happen so often. The only conclusion I could come to was that I was mad because his life seems so much easier and normal than mine and I don't think he fully understands the way I feel. He not been a drinker (only socially now and then) which he says he will not do anymore, dont understand what It's like to feel the emptiness that I feel without alcohol. All my life even as a child I felt like something was missing from me,some part of my soul that was not nurtured Though I had loving parents and a good home life I never felt happy or contentment.I found it or at least I thought i did in alcohol . The physical aspect of been without booze is definitely getting better but it's like I can't let go of it emotionally. There is this empty space that nothing fills. It feels good to be sober and I am thankful for that. I am thankful for the freedom that I am starting to feel. By freedom I mean I can go places and things like that. But at the same times its like a piece of me is not there. I got in contact with my sponsor who then phoned me and talked to me. I do feel somewhat better than I did earlier this morning. I know I seem selfish because as I read this I know I'm writing all about me me me but I just want someone to understand this dam dam emptiness I feel. Once again thank you all for everything. I know I must sound like a broken record repeating pretty much the same things over and over day after day. It's not easy climbing up out of the pit is it? God bless and be safe all
Pirate,
I presume you have a copy of the Big Book?
Have you read the Doctor's Opinion? It's the part about the craving. Read it thoroughly and you should begin to understand where the powerlessness comes from. Honesty is the principle of the first step. I have to keep reminding myself--playing the tape through--to remind myself of how crappy things can get in a hurry if I'm not working my Program. I also know that if I were to start up again, I'd be right back into the crap I was in before. Sick, tired, chronic physical issues, mean spirited, ematiated, and so on.
So read the Doctor's Opinion, and then find, for me, the part where it says something like, "We had to fully concede...." If you can find this statement, and what follows, you'll know more about the Big Book than most of the people in the rooms: That there is never says, "Step One...." It's a discovery of our selves that makes us WANT to get better--and then the journey can begin.
Hang in there--it DOES get better.
I presume you have a copy of the Big Book?
Have you read the Doctor's Opinion? It's the part about the craving. Read it thoroughly and you should begin to understand where the powerlessness comes from. Honesty is the principle of the first step. I have to keep reminding myself--playing the tape through--to remind myself of how crappy things can get in a hurry if I'm not working my Program. I also know that if I were to start up again, I'd be right back into the crap I was in before. Sick, tired, chronic physical issues, mean spirited, ematiated, and so on.
So read the Doctor's Opinion, and then find, for me, the part where it says something like, "We had to fully concede...." If you can find this statement, and what follows, you'll know more about the Big Book than most of the people in the rooms: That there is never says, "Step One...." It's a discovery of our selves that makes us WANT to get better--and then the journey can begin.
Hang in there--it DOES get better.
Pirate
Is your sponsor taking you thru the steps yet? That's where the recovery is. I think that since you aren't able to get to meetings that you should definitely be working on the steps by now. That would help you understand why you are feeling like you do although it is perfectly normal in early sobriety. Have you tried any online meetings?
Is your sponsor taking you thru the steps yet? That's where the recovery is. I think that since you aren't able to get to meetings that you should definitely be working on the steps by now. That would help you understand why you are feeling like you do although it is perfectly normal in early sobriety. Have you tried any online meetings?
